


Guiding Stars

by daedalust



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Bittersweet, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Childhood Friends, Dating, Denial of Feelings, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Funny, Getting Back Together, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, HiruHoshi, HoshiHiru, Humor, Kissing Lessons, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Pining, Romance, Schweiden Adlers - Freeform, Set during the timeskip, Slow Burn, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 101,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22797739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daedalust/pseuds/daedalust
Summary: Hoshiumi Kourai has never been in a relationship or had his first kiss. After being made fun of by his older teammates on the Schweiden Adlers for his lack of dating experience, Hoshiumi turns to his experienced best friend Hirugami Sachirou to teach him his ways. However, these lessons with Sachirou stir up old feelings from the past that Hoshiumi never knew existed. Matters get complicated as Hirugami’s longtime crush on Hoshiumi starts to cloud his judgment.
Relationships: Hirugami Sachirou/Hoshiumi Kourai
Comments: 518
Kudos: 859





	1. Lesson Number One

The only thing Hoshiumi Kourai hated more than being underestimated was being made fun of. The sound of laughter directed at him and the resulting embarrassment hit harder than any spike he had ever received.

 _“Kourai, you’ve never had a girlfriend? How old are you again?”_ Heiwajima’s teasing voice rang through his ears, accompanied with Sokolov’s laughter.

To celebrate the teams’ win and the last game of the V.League season, Captain Hirugami had decided to treat the team to drinks at the hotel bar. The other rookies had retired early to their hotel rooms-- Kageyama darted to his room saying that he had an important phone call to take with someone he refused to name, while Ushijima wanted to stick to his regular sleep schedule. Despite not being a drinker himself, Hoshiumi figured that it would be a good opportunity to mesh with the older veteran players, hoping that it would make him seem “older” in the eyes of his teammates.

However, after his teammates had a few beers and bottles of sake later, Hoshiumi realized he had made a grave mistake. Captain Hirugami, the lawful backbone of the team, had fallen asleep immediately after finishing an entire bottle of sake. With their inhibitions gone, Romero, Heiwajima, and Sokolov began to have an animated discussion about dating and women.

...where it became evident that Hoshiumi had no experience with either of the two.

_“C’mon… at least you’ve kissed someone right?” Sokolov teased, putting a hand on Hoshiumi’s back. “I’ve kissed people at parties and didn’t remember a thing!”_

_“I haven’t.”_

_“Wow Kourai, you really are just a kid!”_

“Maybe I should’ve lied.”

Hoshiumi Kourai was sitting at a cafe, scowling into the depths of his hot chocolate as he recounted the events of yesterday. As one of the most famous faces in V.League, Hoshiumi had taken measures to conceal his identity. Wearing a pair of sunglasses and a Hollywood cap as suggested by his teammate Kageyama Tobio, he wondered if his companion would be able to find him. He swirled his drink a little too violently as he felt another wave of humiliation. Why did it even matter that he never had his first kiss or been on a date? None of those milestones had any relevance to volleyball.

However, something about the way that Heiwajima and Sokolov were putting it made Hoshiumi feel as if not going on dates and kissing people was some sort of personal failure on his end. Something that they were insisting he couldn’t do, which only annoyed Hoshiumi more. After giving his drunken teammates a piece of his mind, Hoshiumi angrily went up to his hotel room alone, swallowed his pride, and sent a text to the one person he knew would be up that late. Someone that he trusted enough to share his dilemma with.

“Kourai-kun?”

Hoshiumi’s ears perked up as he heard a familiar voice behind him, immediately looking up to face Hirugami Sachirou. The young veterinary student was dressed fashionably in a navy blue trenchcoat and khaki pants, wearing a pair of designer glasses. Hoshiumi could not help but gawk at his friend, as he was only used to seeing Hirugami in their high school uniform or volleyball jerseys.

“Sachirou? How did you know it was me? And since when did you wear glasses? Have you been reading in the dark late at night? What did I tell you about overworking yourself? Also what took you so long?” Hoshiumi blurted out as his friend took a seat across from him.

“One thing at a time,” Hirugami said, with a light smile. “First, your disguise sucks, Kourai-kun. Second, these don’t have lenses in them, they compliment the outfit. I think they’re stupid too, but my older sister insisted I try them and you know how pushy she is. Third, I was running late from a lab and needed to take a shower. You should thank me for sparing you from the smell of formaldehyde.”

 _Was Sachirou even speaking English?_ Hoshiumi scowled, having second thoughts about asking Hirugami Sachirou for help, but figured it was better than asking Gao or Nozawa. Sachirou’s usual teasing was something that Hoshiumi could bear, a small price to pay for his friend’s help. “Uh-huh,” Hoshiumi said, pulling off his sunglasses, revealing his wide, seaglass colored eyes. “Well, if my disguise sucks so much, I wonder why people aren’t approaching me and asking me for autographs!”

“It’s because your temper is famous, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said with a laugh. “Though, it’s gotten a lot better from our high school years. Character development?”

While Hoshiumi had a way of keeping people away from him with his abrasive personality, as evidenced from many failed _Monthly Volleyball_ interviews _,_ Hirugami was the opposite. With his soft brown hair and cool demeanor, Hirugami Sachirou was fairly popular with the girls at Kamomedai High School. The girls that liked Sachirou were common sights at volleyball games and would stand around and ask for pictures. During their third year in high school, the Kamomedai Volleyball team became well-renowned for not only their U19 representative ace, but also their handsome captain. Hirugami would breathe a sigh of relief when Hoshiumi, who was annoyed that Sachirou’s fanclub was stealing the spotlight from his playing, would loudly swat away his admirers with his little regard for manners.

“You know,” Hoshiumi said, glaring at Hirugami across the table. “At least I’ve changed, but you’re still the same. Tell me, have you introduced the girls at veterinary school to Heartbreaker Hirugami?”

Hirugami gave a light chuckle, unmoved by Hoshiumi’s jab. With a reputation for gently turning down countless admirers, the boys on the Kamomedai Volleyball Club gave him the name ‘Heartbreaker Hirugami.’

“I haven’t heard that name in a while, but you’re starting to make me miss ‘the Immovable.’” he replied, resting his head against his hand, with his elbow upright on the table. “We’re all so busy with dissections and labs that it’s hard to focus on anything else, so no. In fact, I might be a little out of practice for what you’re asking me to help you with.”

Hoshiumi flushed angrily. “Well, you agreed to do it!”

“Relax Kourai-kun, when have I ever broken a promise I’ve made to you the past six years?” Hirugami said.

Despite coming across facetious at times, Hirugami was a man of his word. He promised Hoshiumi in middle school that he would teach him everything about blocking so that Kourai could make the starting team in high school. When Hoshiumi was struggling in classes, Hirugami would study with him to make sure he passed all of his exams and was able to attend volleyball club events. It was thanks to Sachirou that Hoshiumi was able to pass his final exams and graduate from high school. Even Hoshiumi’s mom entrusted Sachirou in the beginning of high school to keep an eye over her youngest son and keep him out of trouble.

“Never,” Hoshiumi muttered under his breath.

The waitress came over to take Hirugami’s order. Her voice was chipper as she recommended all of the popular blends of coffee that they had in-house, a list longer than the one Hoshiumi was given. Hoshiumi could not help but roll his eyes as he realized what was happening-- a scene that played out countless times in high school. Hirugami and the waitress talked for another five minutes about Hirugami’s adorable dog in his lockscreen, with her back turned to Hoshiumi. Unable to take it anymore, Hoshiumi started feigning a cough to draw the attention back to himself.

“Oh, I should help out the next table,” the waitress said, running a hand through her hair. “It was nice meeting you Sachirou! Your order will be right up.”

 _Do you think she knows who she’s turning her back on? Me? The Little Giant? Where’s the surprise? The awe?_ Hoshiumi said, crossing his arms.

Hirugami smiled bracingly as he thanked her for taking his order. “I’m sorry Kourai-kun, I promise I wasn’t ignoring you. In fact, I was hoping you were paying attention.”

“Paying attention to what? The shape of her back?” Hoshiumi said, already regretting this outing.

“Of course you weren’t,” Hirugami sighed, remembering that Hoshiumi only paid attention to what he wanted to notice. “The conversation I had with the waitress.”

“Yeah, she was definitely checking you out,” Hoshiumi said with annoyance.

Hirugami massaged his temples. “Apart from that, did you notice how I guided the conversation? Did you hear how I complimented her? Or do you only listen to compliments when they’re coming your way?”

Hoshiumi tilted his head in confusion. “Why would I? Besides, aren’t we here so you can teach me about dating? What girls want? When you’re supposed to kiss someone?”

 _He really hasn’t changed at all._ Hirugami noted with exasperation. “Kourai-kun, this isn’t like volleyball where every action has a certain consequence. You don’t just go straight to dating someone. In fact, there’s a process that leads up to it like you know… getting to know the other person. Flirting.”

Hirugami had never seen Hoshiumi this confused since the time he had to teach him the quadratic formula. “When you learned how to spike,” Hirugami could not believe he had to resort to volleyball terms, “You spent a lot of time practicing your run-ups right? Before you could get to the ball and spike. That’s kind of like learning how to flirt with someone before you know… you can go on a date with them.”

Hoshiumi blinked, trying to make sense of what his friend was saying. “Yeah but I don’t have all that time! We get a three week break until the next tournament, and then I’ll have to see Sokolov and Heiwajima again. I want to go on a date before then! The next time I see them, I want to tell them I’m not a kid anymore!”

_He’s always thinking ahead and wanting to prove himself to someone._

  
“You know Kourai-kun, what we’re doing right now looks awfully like a date,” Hirugami said, brushing his light brown bangs to the side as he gestured at the couples around them. “Why don’t we practice right now?”

Hoshiumi almost spit out his hot chocolate in surprise. “Excuse me? You’re definitely making fun of me aren’t you, Sachirou? I already spent all night getting made fun of by my new teammates--”

“Kourai-kun.”

Hoshiumi was caught off guard by the sudden seriousness in Hirugami’s voice and expression. His brown eyes were locked onto his with an intensity that reminded him of their middle school days. “Wasn’t it you who told me a long time ago, that the way you get better at something was through practice? You just have to do it. No excuses. The game starts now.”

“Sachirou, you get awfully scary when you’re intense you know that?” Hoshiumi said uneasily, shifting in his seat feeling extremely unprepared. Hirugami’s expression softened as he realized Hoshiumi was finally going along.

“Sachirou? Who’s that?” Hirugami said, in a slightly higher voice than usual. “My name is Hirugami Sachiko. You know nothing about me and I know nothing about you. We’ve been set up on a blind date by my older brother, your captain Hirugami Fukuro. There’s no Sachirou.”

Hoshiumi’s jaw dropped. “You can’t be serious.”

Hirugami’s dangerous expression came back. “Every time one of us breaks character, consider that the ball hitting the ground. I just gave you a free point to explain the rules. Every time you say and do something that makes Sachiko fall in love with you more, I’ll give you a point. I can only score points when you break character, so this match is in your favor,” Hirugami said pulling out a notebook, writing down the score. 1-1.

Realizing that he was trapped in a game, Hoshiumi felt his blood pressure rise as he felt compelled to win it despite being completely unfamiliar with the rules. No matter what the challenge was, he had to win. He racked his memories for any traces of romance in his dad’s weird manga that he read, his parents’ interactions, and movies he had watched with his mom as Hirugami grinned back at him, playing with his hair.

“So,” Hoshiumi said awkwardly. “Sachiko, do you play volleyball?”

It took all of Hirugami’s years of practicing detachment to stop him from facepalming. He added a tally to his own side of the scoreboard, much to Hoshiumi’s displeasure. The seagull-eyed boy felt a shudder run through his spine as he looked at the smiling Iron Wall in front of him. Whatever game this was, Hoshiumi noted to himself, it was a lot harder than any volleyball game he had ever played.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of this fanfic! I can't believe I'm writing ANOTHER MULTI-CHAPTER FIC as I have another one going, but literally my mind is 24/7 Hoshiumi so I figured it was going to happen. Dedicated to the HiruHoshi groupchat, thank you so much for encouraging me and feeding my headcanons literally everyone is so nice and talented and this time I want to make some crumbs. Special shoutout to Fatima (the biggest Hirugami fan I know), Court, Kita's Jacket (lol), Jun, Nix, and Mars for looking over this and also just talking to me about Haikyuu!! headcanons all the time... you are all so nice... 
> 
> I hope this fic makes you laugh a lot!! Honestly HiruHoshi are so funny I love their dynamic especially how Hirugami just can't stop talking about Hoshiumi. Also every time I reread the Kamomedai match I'm like WOW he talks about Kourai a lot. The comedy potential... it's immense. The second chapter is already written, so hopefully I'll have that up soon!


	2. Blinding Light

Before he met Hoshiumi Kourai, Hirugami Sachirou felt as if he was walking through a dark tunnel. No way to go but forward, no sight of anything else in the world that existed outside of him, and the feeling that the walls around him were endless.

Volleyball had been Hirugami’s life since the moment he was born. His dad was a volleyball player, his mom played volleyball in college and met his dad at a game, and his older siblings were on their way to play in the V.League. Hirugami often joked that if it wasn’t for volleyball, he would not even exist. For the first thirteen years of his life, he could never have conceived a life without playing volleyball perfectly, even as the sport began to wear on his psyche and body. He never had a single friend on the volleyball team, viewing his fellow starters as competition and anyone from groups below him as unworthy of attention.

And then, his downward spiral toward the dark came to a halt when Hoshiumi Kourai entered his life. A blinding light that came out of nowhere and yanked him out of the abyss, Hirugami still remembered the feeling of Hoshiumi jerking his backpack.

_What the hell are you doing?!_

Hoshiumi’s voice was just as obnoxious and large was his presence. Hirugami gasped when he looked down at his hands, cut and bleeding. The same hands he cursed moments ago for being the cause of all his mistakes and suffering. That ball boy from Group 2 was Hirugami’s unlikely savior, a rude awakening that seemed to drop from the sky in front of him, to tell him that it was okay to quit. As he helped Hirugami clean off his hands and wrap them tightly with tissue and athletic tape, they exchanged names.

“Hoshiumi Kourai. You don’t have to tell me your name, because everyone knows it. You’re the Hirugami Sachirou. The star of our team,” Hoshiumi said huffily. “It must be nice to be recognized by the whole prefecture. I hope someday I’ll live up to my name and be the star of a powerhouse team! Anyways, we should get home huh?”

The two boys faced the sunset together, frozen in that moment. Hirugami found himself staring at the back of Hoshiumi Kourai’s head. With his short white hair protruding from his head like small feathers, Hirugami mused to himself, “I wonder if he knows he actually looks like a star.”

As the sky darkened and the boys parted ways, Hirugami found himself remembering a line from a book he was reading for school. _Sailors lost at sea would find their way home by following the brightest star in the sky for reference. A guiding star._

Since that day, Hirugami followed Hoshiumi without the latter realizing it. No longer bound to existing only for the sake of volleyball, Hirugami started to allow himself to relax more. His soft brown hair that he used to shave religiously down to his scalp so that it would not get in the way of his vision during practice started to come back. His dog started to recognize him again, as he came home earlier from practice to take him on walks. He began to dress in clothes aside from volleyball jerseys, and started making friends on his team and with his classmates.

When Hirugami and Hoshiumi entered high school, everyone who saw them together would think it was generous of Hirugami to always help Hoshiumi out with school, volleyball and social matters. However, as much as Sachirou helped Hoshiumi, he couldn’t help but feel as if it wasn’t enough compared to the profound change Hoshiumi made in his life.

As Hirugami started to develop his life outside of volleyball, Kourai continued to shoot up into the limelight when it came to the sport. No longer Kamomedai’s best kept secret, Japan began to learn about Hoshiumi Kourai, an all-arounder of a player that was being hailed as the “Little Giant.” Hirugami was proud of his friend and teammate finally getting the recognition that he deserved, and yet a part of him was afraid.

It was a feeling that Hirugami had never felt before, but as he stayed rooted to the ground, Hoshiumi was flying past him to greater heights. The thought of his star disappearing from his sky filled Hirugami’s heart with a new kind of fear. One that Hirugami felt ashamed of, because it was rooted in his own selfish desire to have Kourai around him forever.

The time that Hirugami spent apart from Hoshiumi, he tried to be as detached as possible. He tried not to keep up with V.League matches and would text Kourai sparingly, choosing to respond instead of reaching out himself. He hoped that whatever strange feelings he had for his friend during their time in high school would fade over time, as they were impractical and beyond reason.

But with a series of texts, Hirugami’s iron walls came crashing down.

_Sachirou, it’s Kourai. I’m going to be home for the next two weeks, and I need you to help me with something._

_Just promise me you won’t laugh, but I figured it had to be you._

_How many dates have you been on?!?_

_DON’T SAY A WORD TO GAO!_

The idea of Hoshiumi being with someone else had terrified Hirugami in high school. He relied on Kourai’s hyper-competitive attitude, extreme focus toward volleyball, and overbearing personality to keep away any potential admirers. As a third year captain, he remembered hearing whispers of female admirers who started to notice Hoshiumi for the first time as he dominated the court. He remembered his pettier feelings, thinking to himself, “I’ve known he was a star before the world did.”

Present-day Hirugami was zoning out as he watched Hoshiumi struggle in front of him, trying to find the words to say to “win the game.” Watching Kourai get frustrated again was nostalgic for Hirugami, who thought, _At least for now… I’ve got this shooting star all to myself for a little while._

“Hey!” Hoshiumi snapped, banging his hands on the table so violently that Hirugami’s sandwich toppled over. “How come you just gave yourself two points? What’s going on? How did it get to 1-19 so fast?”

Hirugami gave an exaggerated pout. “We’ve been on this date for 15 minutes and you still haven’t told Sachiko-chan your name. Instead you’ve been boring her to death talking about your volleyball career. How is she supposed to know how great spiking a ball you’ve received is if she doesn’t play volleyball?”

Hoshiumi’s eyes looked as if they were going to pop out of their sockets. “Okay, so how does Sachiko, a member of the HIRUGAMI family, not know A SINGLE THING about volleyball? And how does she not know me? Hoshiumi Kourai? The Little Giant? The wing spiker who can do it all? How could I go on a date with someone who doesn’t even know who I am! She’d just sit across to me with her face all like “huh” and you know that’s the WORST thing ever! I’m starting to think that if all dates are like this, I’m going to be a hermit for the rest of my life!”

 _Yep, he’s still stupid._ Hirugami thought to himself, changing the score to 2-23, trying to count the amount of times Hoshiumi had just insulted his metaphorical date. _Oh, I should probably add a point for tipping over my sandwich…_

“2-24?” shrieked Hoshiumi, waving his arms around like an angry seagull. “That’s it! I’m not playing Sachiko’s stupid game. We’re settling this on the court, fair and square!”

“And set,” Hirugami said, circling his name with gusto as the winner. “You really are hopeless sometimes, Kourai-kun.”

“So are you back to Sachirou again? Can I kick your ass now?” Hoshiumi said, rolling up his sleeves.

“Sorry,” Hirugami said waving his hands, “I have to eat first Kourai-kun. You know, this is my first meal of the day. Do you want a bite?”

“I’m good, thanks!” Hoshiumi said, crumpling over on the table. “I’m starting to feel bad for everyone in high school that’s ever had to go up against you. In love AND in volleyball. How did I lose so badly…”

Hirugami finished chewing his bite of the sandwich. “Well, think about it. Wouldn’t you hate having a conversation with someone and all they can talk about is themselves? Wouldn’t you want your turn to talk about what makes you so great? You have the tendency to dominate a conversation, Kourai-kun. Think about how it feels when no one asks about you.”

“I’d hate it!” Hoshiumi said without hesitation.

“And so would your date,” Hirugami said matter-of-factly. “I try not to say anything about myself unless they ask me. People like a good listener.”

“You? A good listener?” Hoshiumi hissed, remembering the times that Hirugami had dismissed his windy motivational speeches.

 _Has Kourai-kun always been this naive?_ “Kourai-kun, I’m a bit more honest with my feelings when I’m around you,” Hirugami said, lying through his teeth. “No one tells you this, but dating requires some acting on your part. You can’t give them all of you when you’re making a first impression.”

Hoshiumi raised his eyebrows indignantly. “But what if that’s the only impression you get?”

“It won’t be if you follow Hirugami-sensei’s lesson plan,” Hirugami replied, flipping through his notebook to the calendar. He couldn’t suppress a small smile as he remembered how bad Kourai was at lying or hiding his feelings. Hoshiumi had always been too honest for his own good, the definition of a bleeding heart. If Hirugami had to be honest with himself, it was one of the qualities about Hoshiumi he loved the most.

“Hey Sachirou?” Hoshiumi craned his neck, trying to look into the contents of the book. “Is it me, or have you been looking at me weird ever since we saw each other again? Have you, Bessho, and Gao been talking about me or something?”

“It’s the Hollywood cap, Kourai-kun. I can’t take you seriously with it on,” Hirugami said, flipping pages nonchalantly.

“Ugh!” Hoshiumi let out an agonized groan, ripping the cap off his head. “That was Kageyama’s idea, not mine! Where does he even get these caps anyways?”

It was time for Hirugami to look up in surprise. Kourai’s hair was short again. Hoshiumi’s starlight colored hair was back to the boyish cut that he had in middle school. Hirugami felt as if he was staring straight into a reflection of the past.

“Are you…” Hoshiumi leaned in closer to Hirugami, his eyes larger than normal. “Am I getting a look of surprise from Hirugami Sachirou? What?”

“It’s the trick of the light Kourai-kun. Rest assured, I have been well informed of all facets of your abilities and personality quirks for a long time,” Hirugami said, while thinking to himself, _Nice save, Sachirou._ “Also when did you get a new haircut?”

“Have you been living under a rock? It’s been like this for most of the season! Do you not watch our games?”

“I lived all my life watching Hirugami Fukuro and Hoshiumi Kourai play volleyball. I’ve seen everything I need to see,” Hirugami said hastily. He would rather die on the spot than admit that he deliberately tried not to watch any of Hoshiumi’s games. Keeping Kourai out of sight and out of mind was supposed to help his feelings subside.

_Am I really letting those six months of progress go to waste?_

No, Hirugami confirmed his feelings to himself as he turned his planner to Hoshiumi. _I’m doing this with him because this is the final act to this stupid one-sided game. Within two weeks, I’m going to make sure Kourai-kun falls in love with someone else. This stupid eight year fantasy ends now._

“Anyways, back to Hirugami-sensei’s lesson plan to get Kourai-kun a girlfriend in two weeks. Since you’re not going to be home for a long time, I figured that we need to get started immediately. I’ve set up some dates for you with some of the girls from our high school, who are still in the area for college,” Hirugami said, watching Hoshiumi’s eyes widen as he looked at the calendar entries.

“Sachirou,” Hoshiumi said, admiring Hirugami’s penmanship and organization, “You’re amazing! This looks exactly like one of those training camp schedules Coach would give us back at Kamomedai!”

“I figured that the more familiar something is for you, the more at ease you’ll be. Anyways, prepare to work hard the next two weeks. We’re going on a bootcamp schedule where I’ll supplement your dates with practice lessons with me, so that if you mess up anywhere, it will just stay between us. So think of meetings with me like practicing with your teammates, and these dates like practice matches,” Hirugami said, highlighting each of the events. “My job will be to make sure you show up to your dates in prime form.”

“Wait Sachirou,” Hoshiumi said, feeling his stomach churn. “Actual… dates? With actual people?”

Hirugami nodded and gave a chuckle. “Let’s say that I still keep in touch with people from high school apart from you. They’ve actually agreed to go on these dates with you now that you’re some worldly professional volleyball player. Japan’s Little Giant.”

Hoshiumi started to blush as he recognized the names of the girls he had dates planned with. “Hey, aren’t some of these girls that you turned down?”

Hirugami waved his hand in front of him airily. “All of that is in the past, Kourai-kun. High school was so long ago, that I barely remember how any of that went down. We’re all good friends now. Any one of them could be the next Mrs. Hoshiumi Kourai.”

“Don’t say that!” Hoshiumi’s cheeks started to get hot. “Can we just have more lessons? I still need to win back that set I lost from you!”

“You’ll have your chance. We have four more meetings to prove your worth.”

Hirugami hated to admit it, but seeing Kourai worked up was especially cute to him. “Kourai-kun, wasn’t it you who wanted to get straight to dating and kissing just a few minutes ago,” Hirugami said. “Besides, we have plenty of lessons. We’re going to treat this like a volleyball match. Instead of taped matches, we’re going to sit through romantic dramas handpicked by my Big Sis so you can come up with better things to say under pressure. Giving compliments, receiving compliments, and moves like flirting and kissing can all be practiced.”

“And what credentials do you have apart from breaking peoples’ hearts?” Hoshiumi said miffed. “What about keeping a relationship once you get one? I promised my mom that I would never break anyone’s heart!”

Hirugami wrinkled his nose, suddenly overcome with the urge to laugh straight in Hoshiumi’s face for that comment. _I’ve got bad news for you Kourai-kun. You are definitely a heartbreaker and you don’t even know it._ “Let’s climb that mountain once we get there, Kourai-kun? But for now, you want to see how it’s actually done?”

Hoshiumi gulped as Hirugami moved his seat closer to him. The white-haired boy’s body immediately tensed up as Hirugami put an arm around his chair. “Alright Sachirou, do your worst. Show me the proper way to flirt.”

Hirugami gave a smirk. “Anything you say, Kourai-kun!”

The last time Hoshiumi found himself in this situation was back at Yurisei Junior High. He had chased Hirugami down the hallway, holding a basket of laundry, begging him to teach him proper blocking forms. After some obliging, Hirugami went back to the gym with Hoshiumi.

_“Are you alright if I touch your hands?” Middle school Hirugami asked timidly._

_“Go ahead.”_

He instructed Hoshiumi to put his hands out, moving his hands into a blocking position.

_“Hold this position for a bit.”_

“May I?” present-day Hirugami asked, his voice brimming with a casual confidence that Hoshiumi was familiar with.

“Huh? Yeah, sure,” Hoshiumi said, feeling his palms sweat. “It’s just for demonstration right?”

“Mhm. What should I call you? Hoshiumi-chan?”

“...that sounds too much like you’re mocking me. Maybe Kourai-chan?”

“Alright, Kourai-chan it is.”

Hoshiumi felt present-day Hirugami’s hands on his again, and instinctively shut his eyes. “Kourai-chan,” Hirugami said, laughing softly as if he was talking to a kitten. “You look like I’m about to eat you whole. Aren’t you cold right now? Your hands are freezing! What happens when you get like this during games…”

 _This is flirting?!?_ Hoshiumi thought to himself. _It’s so… fake and yet… why does being doted on like this feel so good!?_

“Here,” Hirugami said, taking Hoshiumi’s hands in his. “I’ll warm your hands up for you. You get cold so easily, don’t you Kourai-chan! Do you want my jacket? Here.”

The waitress who had talked to Hirugami was giving the pair a strange look from the hostess booth. There was something satisfying about her unpleasant expression that made Hoshiumi think to himself that he had achieved some kind of victory over her, as he was the one that was the subject of Hirugami’s display of fake affection. Despite that, Hoshiumi wanted to yell out that it wasn’t what it looked like, but his brain couldn’t string two words together.

All he could think about was the feeling of Hirugami’s heavy trench coat on his shoulders, the warmth from his gaze and hands, and the sound of Hirugami’s soothing voice issuing words of praise. Hanging out with taciturn teammates like Ushijima and Kageyama along with Sachirou’s normal teasing, it had been so long that Hoshiumi had someone’s full attention and compliments.

A cold, sharp breeze blew Hoshiumi’s bangs into his eyes. Before he could toss his head to the side, he felt Hirugami’s warm hand against his cheek, brushing his hair out of his eyes. “You have such pretty hair, Kourai-chan,” Hirugami teased, tucking some stray hairs behind Hoshiumi’s ear.

“Thanks,” Hoshiumi said, wincing. “I g-get it from my mom.”

Hirugami was glad that no one else could hear his heartbeat, as it was betraying him. He hadn’t felt his heart race like that since his volleyball days. He would have stopped if Hoshiumi showed his normal signs of discomfort, but surprisingly, Kourai didn’t push him away. “You’re such a good boy, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said, letting his usual name for Hoshiumi slip through. “Oh-”

Called out of his reverie, Hoshiumi let out a full body shudder and smacked Hirugami’s hand away from his face. “Okay, okay! I get it!” he said loudly enough for everyone in the cafe to hear. “You’re a lot better than me at this sort of thing!”

“Sorry for the slip-up, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami put a hand behind his head. “Just a force of habit. Maybe we should find a better name for you.”

“I think I’ve had enough of that for a while, thanks,” Hoshiumi said, flustered. “Do we pay up front or at the table? I might just go up front because the way the waitress was looking at us, I don’t think she wants to come back here!”

Hirugami frowned, wondering if he pushed Hoshiumi too far. “Sorry Kourai-kun… I got a bit carried away. I didn’t realize you weren’t enjoying yourself--”

Hoshiumi glared at Hirugami. “I might’ve enjoyed it a bit too much. And I know you did. You’re too good at this Sachirou. It pisses me off! This is probably second nature for someone like you, eh?”

“It’s all just practice Kourai-kun, nothing else,” Hirugami said dismissively. “If you ever want to stop these lessons, just let me know. We can go back to our normal conversations any time, just say the word.”

Hoshiumi’s response surprised Hirugami. “No,” Hoshiumi said, leaning across the table, looking directly into Hirugami’s eyes. “No matter what the challenge, I won’t back down. I’ll gladly accept this one, because it’s not just you I’m up against, but it’s my honor on the line! When I meet Heiwajima and Sokolov again, I want to show them that I’m no kid. You might be better than me at this for now, but I’m a fast learner!”

Hirugami gave a knowing smile. Of course he’d say something like that. He’s got that fire in his eyes, when he says he’ll do something he absolutely means it with all his heart. “You got it,” Hirugami said holding out a hand. “I’ll help you with your goal. Let’s shake on it.”

“Deal,” Hoshiumi said, gripping Hirugami’s hand a bit too hard. “Now ‘fess up Sachirou! What kinda technique did you use back there to make me all light-headed? Do you think it works against volleyball opponents?

_Yep. Still dumb._

“Baby steps, Kourai-kun. That’s a lesson for tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the fastest I've ever written a second chapter, mostly because it was all content I wanted to slap in the first one but I was getting worried about the length. I'm also like outlining what happens next in this fic and (spoilers) I CANNOT STOP BLUSHING every time I TRY TO WRITE Hoshiumi learning how to kiss from Hirugami... why am I like this...
> 
> Crossing my fingers that I caught all the typos and errors! Basically, I wanted to set up Hirugami's feelings early on for the tension... the drama... the flavor... (yeah, to borrow words from Hoshiumeme) and also because he's one of my favorite characters in the Haikyuu!! manga because of his back story and relationship with Kourai. 
> 
> Also fake dating AUs always make me so sad when I plan out the plot. Aaaah. (It's 1:17am here so I should probably sleep haha. I'll fix formatting errors later...)
> 
> Also can I just say I'm grateful for like everyone who puts out HiruHoshi content on Twitter and AO3? I have read pretty much every HiruHoshi fic on AO3 and I love all of it. Thank you for your service, I hope that I can add to it too! I really appreciate everyone who reads any of my works. i HAVENT WRITTEN IN A REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME


	3. Best Friends

Two days. That was how much time Hirugami gave Hoshiumi until his first date with a girl whose name he refused to reveal, much to Hoshiumi’s displeasure. After meeting for another “dating lesson”, the two boys were walking through one of the largest shopping plazas in Nagano, looking for date-suitable clothes. “There are a lot of international brands here,” Hirugami noted, gesturing at some of the stores they passed by. “But we won’t be shopping at those places, they’re fairly expensive.”

Hoshiumi breathed a sigh of relief, as he was unable to read those signs in the first place since they were in English. Playing at a national level, it was often required for volleyball players to develop proficiency in other languages to communicate with international players, but Hoshiumi and his teammates often slacked off at those lessons. Kageyama was the best out of the rookies (barely) and Ushijima was usually too embarrassed to try pronouncing English words. “Why won’t you tell me her name? I already forgot from the one minute you let me see your planner!” Hoshiumi protested, “You scheduled this way too soon Sachirou! Two days? I feel totally unprepared!”

“Don’t think I forgot the hours you spent stalking our opponents and comparing their stats to yours before Nationals,” Hirugami said in a chastising voice. “Besides, it’s better to go into a date not spitting out all the random facts you know about people, like their height.”

Hoshiumi froze up as he walked beside Hirugami. “Excuse me? You think I’d really just meet someone for the first time and yell at them to tell me their height?”

 _For someone who usually has a great sense of self-awareness, Kourai-kun lacks it for all social situations,_ Hirugami thought to himself with a sigh. “It wouldn’t surprise me if you did, given your track record.”

Hirugami narrowly dodged Hoshiumi’s swift kick toward his ankle, much to the latter’s displeasure. “Immovable Hirugami!” Hoshiumi snapped, “What a bunch of flaming lies! You move just fine even after all these years!”

“You know that nickname had nothing to do with my reflexes.”

“You really piss me off Sachirou, you know that?”

Hoshiumi was still in a grumpy mood from their most recent dating lesson. Hirugami had invited Hoshiumi over to his house, which was unoccupied as his parents were abroad to visit his sister who was playing in an international league. Hirugami sat across from Hoshiumi for three hours, practicing various dating scenarios with different characters that Hirugami came up with on the spot. Hoshiumi had to pull endless chairs out, pour water, and sit patiently, listening to Hirugami go on about the fictional life of Hirugami Sachiko. 

_If Hirugami does all of these things on dates,_ Hoshiumi thought bitterly as he pulled out Hirugami’s chair for the twentieth time, _Then it’s clear as day he treats random girls better than he treats me! His best friend!_

To add insult to injury, Hirugami wheeled out a volleyball scoreboard that was casually lying around the Hirugami household to keep record of each of Hoshiumi’s transgressions.

Unfortunately, many of these fake dates devolved into Hoshiumi either talking about volleyball, begging for compliments, cutting across Sachiko’s life story, and one occasion where he stuck his face close to Hirugami and went, “You wanna take this outside, Sachiko? Square up!”

Not wanting to test the limits of Hoshiumi’s patience, Hirugami decided switching to another activity would cool him down. He calmly suggested that they take an outing to the mall to look for new clothes for Hoshiumi to wear on his impending date, to Hoshiumi squawked, “you wear different clothes on a date?”

“Of course, Kourai-kun. First impressions are very important when it comes to dating,” Hirugami replied.

As Hirugami’s teammate and friend, Hoshiumi had only remembered Hirugami in his school uniform, volleyball attire, or a volleyball shirt and sweatpants when they jogged together. Those were the clothes he wore for most of his life, so why would all of that change for a single date? _So does Sachirou just lie to all these girls?_ Hoshiumi thought to himself with a look of distaste. 

On Hirugami’s suggestion, they stopped by a men’s casualwear clothing store stocked with a variety of simple shirts, jackets, and pants. Hoshiumi darted around looking at all of the clothes on display before running up to an unsuspecting sales associate. “Excuse me, Miss!!” he piped up, “Do you have any men’s size small date clothes!? Actually do you carry any mediums? I didn’t see any t-shirts with words on them and I was wondering, do you carry any!? Preferably with a motivational message!” 

_He doesn’t waste any time_ , Hirugami thought, walking over to his friend with a groan. “Sorry about him,” Hirugami said, pulling on Hoshiumi’s oversized jacket to drag him away. “It’s his first time buying clothes.”

“Hey!” Hoshiumi barked, slapping away Hirugami’s hand. “I’ve bought tons of t-shirts at Nationals! Wouldn’t I want to wear something that strikes awe and inspiration in the heart of my date?”

Hirugami, who spent countless years arguing with Hoshiumi’s logic, heaved a tired sigh. “Kourai-kun, those kinds of clothes are different. Also please do not overwhelm people you just meet with a list of questions. It’s overwhelming. I’ll help you pick out what looks good on you.”

As they went through countless combinations of shirts, jackets, beanies, scarves, shoes, and random accessories Hoshiumi insisted on adding to the mix, Hirugami found his mind wandering off to dangerous territory. As Hoshiumi giddly tried on different jackets and even one button-down collared shirt, Hirugami started to imagine this same exact scene set in the future. 

Someday, Hoshiumi Kourai was eventually going to get married. Hirugami, as his best friend, would be the one accompanying him to countless stores to advise him on the best suit to wear to his wedding. The thought alone of Hoshiumi being married to a faceless stranger felt like a weight in Hirugami’s heart, but it was inevitable after all.

With his fame skyrocketing so early and the amount of people that he would meet throughout the world, Hirugami knew that there would be people out there who saw Hoshiumi for the star he was. Honest to a fault, emotionally perceptive when it mattered, and the world’s brightest smile, Hoshiumi had felt like Hirugami’s best well-kept secret. As the first one to see his potential to become an amazing volleyball player the world would know from the times they practiced together as children, Hirugami watched as Hoshiumi went from the bench to national television. _My days of being the person closest to Kourai-kun outside his own family are numbered_ , Hirugami thought to himself with a bittersweet smile. 

“Sachirou!” Hoshiumi snapped, emerging in a one size too large rain jacket extremely similar to the Kamomedai one he was currently wearing. “I want this one!”

Dressed in a powder blue raincoat zipped up to the top of his nose and his hood pulled over his eyes, Hoshiumi looked like a small ninja wearing the wrong colors. Since Kourai had a distaste for using sleeves, he had his arms crossed underneath while his unoccupied sleeves trailed behind him. Hirugami wondered if he should mention to Hoshiumi that it wasn’t the most flattering image, but couldn’t bring himself to. 

“Hm,” Hirugami scratched his head. “Isn’t that a bit too large for you Kourai-kun?”

A vein popped on Hoshiumi’s forehead as Hirugami waved his hands. “No, no I don’t mean you can’t wear it because it’s too large! I’m just thinking that since you’re an athlete in prime physical form, you’d want a more form-fitting outfit. You know, to show off your hard work.”

Hirugami said a smaller prayer in his head for the girl that would be sitting down and talking to Hoshiumi for the first time.

Happy to be praised in a language he understood, Hoshiumi’s nose shot up with pride. “Oh, you’re right Sachirou!” Hoshiumi said, the words already getting to his head. “I do work hard to be in top shape!”

After another round of rejecting Hoshiumi’s bizarre clothing choices in varying shades of light blue, Hirugami finally picked out a few different outfits that suited Hoshiumi well, including some hoodies and sweatshirts. “Kourai-kun, can I trust you not to get white jeans dirty?” Hirugami said, draping the clothes over his arm.

Hoshiumi gave an emphatic thumbs up. “You can always count on me to take on any challenge! Will I get points back if I make sure they’re unstained?”

“Yes,” Hirugami said. “Also when going shopping on a date, _you_ should be the one carrying everything.”

“Fine.”

Walking out of the shop with his arms occupied and kicking the door open for Hirugami, Hoshiumi lifted the bags over his head triumphantly. He zipped up his jacket and pulled his hood over his head to enter his disguise configuration. “I’m carrying the bags and opening the door for you! They don’t call me an all-arounder for nothing, right Sachirou?”

“I suppose,” Hirugami said, checking his watch. “It’s getting a bit late isn’t it Kourai-kun? I promised your mom that I’d have you back by dinner. I wouldn’t want to face her wrath.”

As Hirugami and Hoshiumi started trying to find their way out of the giant mall, Hoshiumi’s ears perked up as he overhead girls around them. _Did you see that guy who just walked by? The tall one. Doesn’t he look like that actor Futakushi Sota?_

_He’s definitely handsome. I feel bad for his little brother, having to carry all his bags like that._

If Hoshiumi was able to see better, he would have gone up to whoever said that and spoke his mind, but had no choice but to let it go. Spending time with Hirugami while now being enlightened to the intricacies of dating and attraction made Hoshiumi feel self-conscious. He could not help but scowl every time that he caught a stranger looking at Hirugami for too long. _What do they even see about that doof anyways?_ Hoshiumi thought, seething in the confines of his rain jacket. _Why is it always him? Is it because he’s tall? Was he born with a more handsome face than I was? Whatever it is… it’s not fair!_

Hoshiumi never wanted to admit it but even in high school, he found himself questioning if he was jealous of the attention Hirugami received from their classmates and how detached Sachirou was to the whole thing. He recalled the times in high school where girls from his class would approach him to ask about his tall friend from “Class 6”, to which he would respond back with annoyance.

Hoshiumi always found it strange how differently girls viewed Hirugami than how he knew his best friend. They always described him as well-mannered, sensitive, and collected while Hoshiumi’s impression of Hirugami was wildly different. Hoshiumi had to laugh every time he heard the words “gentlemanly” and “Hirugami” together. Hirugami was far from a gentleman as he devolved into a trash-talking jerk when he blocked and served on the court. In fact, Hoshiumi kept a mental scoreboard of his own filled with Hirugami’s crimes against him. 

Hoshiumi wondered to himself, _Were these girls getting to see another side of Hirugami Sachirou that he didn’t know about?_

He thought about how different Hirugami’s voice was when he spoke to him at the cafe. During the six years in high school, Hoshiumi had always remembered Sachirou’s normal voice as detached. Sometimes, there would be the occasional teasing “Kourai-kun” or an empathic, “Nice kill!” during a game, but never the way Hirugami sounded when he pretended Hoshiumi was a girl he was flirting with. His voice was attentive, caring, and gentle. In that moment, Hoshiumi felt like Hirugami could have convinced him that he was the most special person to him in the whole world-- even though they were blatantly acting. He hated how much he enjoyed how Hirugami made him feel and had the power to do so.

 _So is that what the girls in high school loved about him? That feeling he could turn on and off like a switch?_ Hoshiumi thought to himself bitterly, remembering Hirugami’s smug face as he talked to the waitress and as he was “flirting'' with him. _Taking on a new personality, wearing new clothes… is dating just a competition to see who the best liar is?_

A new fear entered Hoshiumi’s mind. Was Hirugami lying to him too? Seeing another side of his best friend who he thought he trusted and knew like the back of his hand was startling. They were getting close to Hoshiumi’s house as the sun finally set over the mountains. Hoshiumi couldn’t help but be reminded by their very first interaction, when he saw Sachirou scrape his hand against the wall after a game. 

It dawned on Hoshiumi how much had changed since then.

“Hey Sachirou,” Hoshiumi said, waking Hirugami out of his train of thought. “I’ve been thinking about something.”

“Hm?”

“Did you actually love any of those people in high school? The ones that liked you so much.”

Hirugami froze in his tracks, feeling his heart drop for a second. “What do you mean, Kourai-kun?” he said, not daring to make eye contact with Hoshiumi as he let out a forced chuckle. “That’s a heavy question, don’t you think?”

“Well, did you?”

Hoshiumi sounded so sincere that Hirugami could not bring himself to lie. “Yeah,” Hirugami answered with a half-truth, “Just one of them.”

_The friendship I have with you._

“But you didn’t love the others right?” Hoshiumi pressed on, his wide eyes staring right through Hirugami. “So, when you were doing all those motions of being in a relationship with them like buying them flowers, waving with them at our games, and kissing them, were you lying to them?”

“Kourai...” Hirugami said, trying to maintain his expression, but Hoshiumi cut over him.

“If you could lie about something so important, how do I know that you’re being honest with me? Do I really know you Sachirou?” Hoshiumi asked, his face serious. “I feel like the past few days, I’ve been meeting someone that’s completely different from the Sachirou I thought I knew.”

Hirugami hadn’t felt this uneasy in a long time. “This is all so that you can get back to your teammates and tell them you’ve become a man right? So you can say you’ve kissed someone, gone on a date, and not have to lie about it huh? Isn’t that what you want, Kourai-kun?”

“It’s what I thought I wanted,” Hoshiumi said finally.

“And in two days, you might be able to. Isn’t that all that matters?” Hirugami said, starting to walk again.

The two walked in silence for another mile when the Hoshiumi family residence was in sight. Unsatisfied with Hirugami’s answer, Hoshiumi stepped in front of his friend and faced him again. “You know Sachirou, I used to be jealous of you in high school. There never seemed like there was a shortage of people that wanted to get close to you and understand you, and it used to really piss me off that you didn’t seem to care at all about it. Like you didn’t even want it!”

“What? What brought this up all of a sudden?”

“I’ve never been on a date with someone, but if someone wanted to get close to me and understand me like that… I’d really appreciate it!” Hoshiumi blurted out. “I’ve never been special to anyone as a person apart from my mom! It’s why I’ve gotten used to being my own cheerleader, but I know that if I sat in front of someone, and they liked me… I’d want to be completely honest with them so they knew the real me! It just bothers me you can lie to people and play with their feelings and you do it so well! Is that what makes you so good at it?”

 _You, of all people, shouldn’t be the one to yell all of these things at me! Maybe if you paid attention to anything outside of yourself and volleyball, you would have noticed!_ Hirugami wanted to shout back in that moment, but it took all of his strength to keep his composure. Instead, he looked straight into Hoshiumi’s eyes. “Kourai-kun, every promise I’ve made you, I’ve kept, including this one. The advice I’m giving you at the end of the day is just advice, should you choose to follow it. Also, you don’t have to worry about me lying to you.”

_I have been this whole time._

“You’re my best friend,” Hirugami said with a painful, forced smile. “And unlike many other things in my life and relationships with other people, that hasn’t changed the whole time. So you have nothing to worry about.”

“Okay.”

Seemingly confident with Hirugami’s answer, Hoshiumi turned toward the door before he stopped again. “By the way Sachirou,” he said nervously, shuffling toward his friend like a small bird.

“Yes?”

“I… I really liked the way you talked to me back at the cafe,” Hoshiumi looked away at the ground. Now that Hirugami confirmed to him that their friendship was real, he felt better about the situation. “Even though you were lying out of your ass, it made me feel really good. I wouldn’t mind if you did it again! Please praise me more!”

“Yeah, okay,” Hirugami said, giving a nonchalant wave. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow as usual, Kourai-kun. Good night.”

“Yeah,” Hoshiumi said, opening the door to his house and waving. “Good night Sachirou!”

Watching through the window at the dinner table, Hoshiumi’s mother caught a glimpse of Hirugami’s face before he left. Though his lips were curved into a smile, something about his eyes looked distant and sad. As she heard Hoshiumi walking up the stairs, she wondered if it was a good time to have another mother-to-son talk. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I've been going through all the comments and I am SO GRATEFUL FOR EVERYONE WHO LEAVES ONE YOU HAVE NO IDEA! I never thought anyone outside of the HiruHoshi GC would actually read this... so all of the interacts feel so nice. I felt like this chapter was a bit of a mess but I couldn't help thinking about them going to clothes shopping and Hirugami thinking to himself, that one day he might be the one helping the guy he loves pick out a suit for his wedding. That made me sad. Hoshiumi still has no idea, but he does care deeply for his best friend. Shoutout to @kouraing on Twitter for beta reading this chapter you're THE BEST!
> 
> In the next chapter we'll have some words of wisdom from Hoshiumi's mom and finally, Hoshiumi's dreaded date! I wonder if Hoshiumi realizes that he's already had his first date... with Hirugami.
> 
> >/////< alright thank you for reading again


	4. Stargazing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoshiumi and his mother have a mother-to-son talk about romance and dating while Hirugami finds himself internet stalking Hoshiumi's blind date before it happens.

After helping Hoshiumi put away all the new clothes he bought during his outing with Hirugami, Hoshiumi’s mother sat down at the dinner table with her youngest son. Hoshiumi wasted no time in telling his mother about every single game of the season, all of the new places that he went to for tournaments, a rundown of his teammates and opposing teams, and what he wanted to improve about his game next. He bragged about his best plays of the season, pulling them up on his phone pridefully while laughing at all the times he tricked his opponents with his spikes. It was refreshing to finally get to catch up with someone, without the pretense of losing another point to “Hirugami Sachiko”, Hoshiumi noted. His mother laughed as he grumpily talked about his struggles with communicating with some of his teammates. “Next time you go back, I’ll send you back with cookies so you can win over their hearts that way,” she said bracingly.

“If they have hearts!” Hoshiumi protested, taking the dirty dishes to the sink dutifully. “Anyways Mom, you can count on me to clean up. The least I can do while I’m living under your roof!” 

Hoshiumi’s mother laughed. “Oh Kourai, I remember when I used to try to trick you and Akitomo into doing the dishes by making it a competition. You two fell for that all the time when you were kids. Now it’s like a second habit eh?”

“Well, you know what the old Kamomedai banner used to say. ‘Habit is second nature!’” Hoshiumi said, drying the plates and putting them back into the cupboard.

“You’re such a good boy, Kourai!” his mother said, clapping her hands together.

Hoshiumi froze up as he remembered Hirugami’s voice saying those same words gently into his ear. Feeling his cheeks flush with embarrassment, Hoshiumi started to feel even more annoyed at Hirugami Sachirou for reasons he couldn’t explain. “Thanks Mom,” he muttered, folding the kitchen towels with a little more force than usual.

“Anyways, it’s a beautiful night today!” his mother said, pushing aside the blinds. “The forecast says it’s a new moon and the sky’s been clear all day. You can see the stars in all their glory. Why don’t we eat dessert outside, Kourai?”

Hoshiumi’s eyebrows shot up with excitement when he heard the word ‘dessert.’ “Yeah, that sounds great!” 

Hoshiumi and his mother had a close bond. His father often came home late as he worked in the city, and the eldest Hoshiumi brother now lived in Tokyo where he worked full-time and had his own group of friends. Hoshiumi’s mother had always joked that Kourai was her miniature in many ways, past their looks-- they were both easily excited, loud and passionate, and headstrong almost to a fault. Every time that she looked at Kourai, she was reminded of a younger version of herself. So naturally, the advice that she gave to him were words that she wished she had heard when she was his age.

Hoshiumi’s mom brought out a roll cake she bought at the bakery and put two slices on her plate and Kourai’s. Hoshiumi was always seated at the foot of the wooden stairs overlooking their backyard, his head tilted upwards. Her youngest son was always looking upwards, even as a baby. She smiled as she recalled to herself how she knew Kourai was destined for greatness, since childhood.

“So Kourai,” she said, taking a seat next to him and handing him a fork. “What’s been on your mind? Apart from your team and volleyball, of course.”

Just like his mom, Hoshiumi’s facial expressions always betrayed his current mindset. “A lot, actually,” he said, diverting his gaze as he felt a wave of embarrassment. “I don’t even know where to begin…”

“You’re not still upset over what your older teammates said, right? The older ones.”

Hoshiumi pouted as he took a bite of cake. “Of course I am! They talked to me like I was a kid, but at the same time they were right. I’m 23 years old, never had my first kiss or ever y’know… had a girl that liked me.”

“Oh I’m sure plenty of people have liked you Kourai! Who wouldn’t? You’re always helping out your mom, have the biggest heart, and maybe I’m biased, but you grew up to be a very handsome man! There are probably girls left and right who wouldn’t skip a beat to be your girlfriend!” Hoshiumi’s mom said, much to her son’s displeasure. “If I were a girl your age, I would think you were a real catch! You’re a good, honest boy!”

“You don’t count, Mom!” Hoshiumi frowned, hugging his knees to his chest. “Girls don’t really notice me. Usually at fan meetups, I always get fellow short guys like me who come up and ask about my training routine or tips to increase their vertical. Girls like guys like…”

Hoshiumi scowled and his voice lowered as he said the name on his mind out loud. “Hirugami Sachirou.”

Hoshiumi’s mom made a face before bursting out into laughter. “Hirugami Sachirou? Who’s that? It sounds like you’re talking about a complete stranger!”

“I might as well be,” Hoshiumi muttered, as flashes of Hirugami’s fake smiles and actions cycled through his memories. _Not to mention those fake glasses he wore the first time I saw him again. Who the hell was that?_

“Oh Kourai, did you and Sachirou get into a fight or something? I was wondering why he didn’t stay for dinner. I remember the times you two would sleep over and I’d have to yell at you guys to shut up at 11PM!” Hoshiumi’s mom recounted fondly. “Oh, and how you tore through the crowd at graduation yelling ‘SACHIROU!’ to find him since he was in another class so you could take a photo together. You know, I still have that one on the living room tab-”

“Mom!” Hoshiumi snapped, “I get it! But there’s something different about him now. Did you know in high school, we used to call him ‘Heartbreaker Hirugami’? I don’t even know why I asked him for dating advice anyways! It’s just not fair… all of this comes so easily for him!”

 _Oh, so that’s what’s going on._ Hoshiumi’s mom took a deep breath, realizing that it was time to have “that talk” with her son. She was grateful that it never came up in high school since Kourai was so preoccupied with his volleyball club and struggling to pass classes that he never really brought it up. 

“The Sachirou I knew,” Hoshiumi began. 

His voice trailed off as he recalled the tall, strong brown-haired boy with a scared look on his face every time he made a mistake in volleyball. Hirugami Sachirou was one of the best volleyball players in their region, but always worked alone and kept to himself. When he wasn’t playing volleyball, he was reading about volleyball. When Hoshiumi refilled his bottle, he never spared a second glance at him, only giving an awkward “thanks.” Hoshiumi remembered that he watched this boy grow into his best friend, a fearsome middle blocker with such a calm demeanor that announcers would call him “Hirugami the Immovable.” 

Now, it truly felt as if Hirugami had fully matured into his nickname, the Immovable. Because no matter what Hoshiumi did, Hirugami did not seem to move. As they talked, Hoshiumi felt as if he was facing a wall. Even though Hirugami smiled at him and said familiar words, his mood and expression were still unreadable.

“The Sachirou I knew doesn’t exist anymore! Ever since I asked him to help me out with this whole “dating” thing, I feel like I’ve seen a side to him that I’ve never met in all those years we’ve been teammates. He’s stupidly confident now about things like his looks and putting on this stupid act that works so well to get people to like him. He hands out compliments like candy to girls he barely knows while all he does is make fun of me. ‘Kourai-kun’ this, and ‘Kourai-kun’ that!” Hoshiumi said, mimicking Hirugami’s annoying tone of voice. “You know what he said when I asked him how many dates he’s been on in his whole life? He said he stopped counting after _thirty!_ And here’s the craziest part… HE said they asked HIM out! Why do I suck so much at this? He just has everything he wants in life, huh?”

Hoshiumi’s mom dreaded the day that Kourai would become jealous of his own best friend. “Kourai, you might not even think about it this way, but have you ever stopped to think to wonder how Sachirou really feels?”

“Confident! Sure of himself,” Hoshiumi said almost immediately, crossing his arms. “Probably laughing at me right now as we speak!”

Hoshiumi’s mom sighed. “Kourai… have you thought that Sachirou might be insecure himself?”

“Him?” Hoshiumi gave a sarcastic laugh. “Why would he be?”

Hoshiumi’s mom had her thinking face on figuring out how she was going to explain this to her son, when she had a revelation. “Kourai, take a look at those stars over there,” his mother gestured at a cluster of bright stars together. “How many do you think there are?”

Hoshiumi squinted, his seaglass eyes counting the stars. “Seven,” he said confidently. “But I don’t get it, what does this have to do with Sachirou?”

Hoshiumi’s mom let out a chuckle. “You know Kourai, there are actually thousands of stars in that little patch of sky! You just can’t see all of them because the ones you can count are so bright, that they take all the light away.”

“Huh?”

“I think Sachirou has been feeling a lot like those stars lately. You know with such a famous family, and a famous best friend, he’s always kind of been the forgotten one and for the first time, there’s this thing he’s better at than you are. So maybe that might be why he’s acting so strange!” Hoshiumi’s mom said, trying to piece her thoughts together. 

Hoshiumi on the other hand, scrunched up his face. “You know Mom,” he said, his head at a slight tilt. “You’re really weird.”

“And you wonder where you get it from!” Hoshiumi’s mom said, taking delight in her son’s momentary look of fear. “Anyways Kourai, I think you should be nicer to Sachirou. He’s been doing you a great favor. If I have to guess how he feels, he’s scared of losing his best friend and a bit proud of being better at something than you are for once.”

“Well,” Hoshiumi said thinking it over, “I guess I never thought about how it must feel like to have a best friend who can do it all. I am better than him at receiving, serving, setting, spiking, and probably blocking now! But… he’s got the power to date all of the girls in Japan!”

His mother sighed. “Kourai, if there’s something I hope you learn from all of this, it’s that falling in love isn’t a competition. It’s not a game where whoever dates the most people wins, or a race to see who hits all those typical milestones first,” she said, putting a hand on her son’s shoulder. “And the last person you should be competing with is Sachirou. I think he’s just trying to help you.”

“I wish he wasn’t so smug about it,” Hoshiumi said, looking away. “I’m scared if I ever fall in love with a girl, she’ll leave me the moment she sees Sachirou. He’s just that good at making people feel… good.”

_Being on the receiving end of that was something else!_

“Kourai, you’re thinking about it all wrong!” his mom pulled her son closer abruptly, who let out a small shriek. “When you meet the right girl for you, the only person she’ll see is you! You’ll be able to be yourself and she’ll love you with all her heart! Heck! How are you so sure it’ll be a girl? Your cousin Hiromichi found himself a great boyfriend! You remember him right? He met a guy on his college volleyball team! You’ve met him at family reunions!”

“Huh?” Hoshiumi’s eyes were boggling, remembering the last Hoshiumi family gathering six years ago, where he invited his best friend. “I thought that was a college friend. He was the spiker in the pickup game where Sachirou scraped his chin trying to receive right?”

“Well, that’s what he had to call him around Grandpa. The elders still aren’t accustomed to this sort of thing, but your dad, aunts, uncles, and I are totally on board! So don’t feel restricted with your choices. How do you remember things that happened six years ago anyways?” his mom said, scratching her head. “Anyways, just keep your heart open to possibilities! You never know when love will strike you, and who your heart will want. Don’t go around kissing just about anyone so you can yell back at Sachirou that your count is higher.”

Hoshiumi gave his mother’s words another thought. _Dating isn’t the same as love. Is that what Sachirou thinks too?_ _What about kissing…_

“Hey Mom?” Hoshiumi’s eyes were shining as he looked up at her. “How did it feel when you first kissed Dad?!?”

Now it was his mother’s turn to act embarrassed. Her seaglass eyes-- the ones that she shared with both of her sons, were like dinner plates, before she gave a light chuckle. “It felt right!”

Hoshiumi’s expression was as confused as ever. 

His mother tightened her hand on his shoulder. “Trust me Kourai, it’s one of those things I can’t quite find the words for, but you’ll feel it. It will feel like it was supposed to happen for both of you, and that it’s something both of you want without a single question in the world. If it doesn’t feel right Kourai, don’t kiss them. Save that first kiss with someone you know that ten years down the road, you’ll be smiling and laughing thinking about the memory.”

Hoshiumi nodded, leaning back on his hands to look at the stars. “Well, that sounds real nice,” he thought to himself with a smile.

“And if you want another piece of advice Kourai,” his mom said, her eyes fixed on the endless expanse of the night sky which was dotted with stars. “I hope you find someone that treats you as well as Sachirou-kun does.”

Hoshiumi scowled as he remembered every single time Hirugami had slighted him up to now. “He treats me like garbage, thanks!”

Hoshiumi’s mother’s laughter filled the night as her son shrank back to gaze up at the sky. His mother, whose encouraging words had given him the strength to find his way up to the top in volleyball, was never wrong. He thought about his mother’s words and how they contradicted his friends’ own beliefs on romance and love. His fist tightened as he wanted to prove to Sachirou that his “good boy” ways were still just as effective as Hirugami’s tactics.

_Hirugami Sachirou. In the field of love, I will defeat you!_

* * *

Staring at the same night sky out of a dirty window at home, Hirugami Sachirou let out a series of sneezes, startling his dog out of his nap. “Sorry Kotarou,” Sachirou muttered, trying to reassure him with some soft pets. “I really hope I’m not getting a cold.”

 _It better not be from when I let Kourai-kun borrow my jacket after the first day. How does he still get that cold so easily,_ Sachirou thought bitterly, remembering all the times he gave Hoshiumi his sweater in high school as well. _I was freezing too!_

Hirugami was sitting at his desk on his computer, looking through social media profiles in the many tabs he had open. His dog returned to napping at his feet, a welcome presence that made his family’s empty home feel less lonely. In the monitor next to him was a replay of one of Kourai’s games, where Hirugami took mental notes on his friends’ prowess.

 _Now that was a great receive,_ Hirugami thought to himself with admiration. _You’d never thought a spiker would be able to dig like that, but Kourai is on a whole level of his own. It made me forget about that sloppy block three points ago._

Hirugami’s entire room was decorated with volleyball accolades, relics of a time that Hirugami himself could barely remember. Even with such a gifted family, Hirugami was a standout in terms of talent even at a young age with his superior game sense, reflexes, and build which he kept through high school. Going professional for Hirugami and joining V.League was only a phone call away after he graduated high school. At first his decision to go to veterinary school was met with resistance from his family, but Hirugami insisted on following his own path in life.

However, there was someone else who was completely deserving of all those connections the Hirugami family had to professional volleyball. Though his brother’s team, often hailed as the best team of perennial champions in all of Japan, wasn’t looking for wing spikers, Hirugami continued to press on.

 _Hoshiumi Kourai,_ Hirugami said to his brother Fukuro. _You might not be looking for anymore spikers, but he’s different. I’m not just speaking as a friend when I say this, but he is a player with all the skills to make a point out of every ball. Anything your team is missing, Kourai has._

“The things I do for Kourai-kun,” Hirugami smiled, recalling his friends’ excitement when the Schweiden Adlers extended an offer to him, before his smile vanished as he remembered his other task at hand.

Pausing Kourai’s game, Hirugami went back to scrolling down a social media feed. 

_Ueno Matsuri._

Hirugami had met her through his teammate Nozawa. She was a girl who often came to their games their second year, that Nozawa pointed out at the bleachers as they were switched out. Hirugami remembered the day well since it was a difficult match for Kourai, who kept getting stuffed by blockers.

_“Hey Sachirou, do you see that cute girl over there with the long black hair? Heard she has a thing for good athletes.”_

_Hirugami glanced at the crowd, struggling to find who Nozawa was pointing at before noticing a short girl in the crowd, who was animatedly talking with her friends. She was, as Nozawa said, “cute” by traditional standards. “What about it?” Hirugami said, shrugging._

_“I wonder if we should tell Kourai, maybe letting him know a cute girl is watching him might bring his spirits up! She’s been clapping every single time he does anything,” Nozawa said with a chuckle, as Hirugami suddenly felt his insides go cold. “If you don’t make your move, all the cute girls will get snatched by Kourai! Isn’t she your year too?”_

_“How do you know her then?”_

_“Oh, she’s always hanging out with third years. She’s one of those girls that likes guys who are more mature.”_

_“Then I can sleep at night knowing she won’t like Kourai-kun,” Hirugami had said, uneasily._

_“Hey Sachirou, give Kourai-kun more credit. That guy is pretty emotionally mature for his age. I thought you of all people should know that! Anyways, let’s tell Kourai that there’s a cute girl in the audience cheering for him.”_

_Hirugami forced a laugh. “We can’t have that happen,” he replied. “It’ll all go to his head.”_

Before Ueno Matsuri could get to Hoshiumi at the end of the game, Hirugami made his move first, spotting her as she made her way down to the bleachers. They talked for a bit before Hirugami casually mentioned the famous athletes his family was in constant contact with, and offered to save her a better seat at their next game. He took her to one of the school dances and listened to her talk endlessly about her aspirations for the future and eventually, like his other relationships, lost interest quickly. However, he still heard from her here and then as they shared mutual friends.

So when Hirugami reached out to her again, offering to set her up on a blind date with one of his brother’s teammates, she accepted quickly. He figured that someone who kept up with volleyball players and had experience dating athletes would be a good starter date for Hoshiumi.

Except, as the date loomed closer, Hirugami found himself dreading that Matsuri and Kourai might get along too well. She was making her own break into fame as a gravure idol with a growing social media following, at the cusp of fame that Hoshiumi was at. Hirugami usually wasn’t someone that checked social media often, but found himself doing so guiltily as he looked for signs of incompatibility.

_The male idols and athletes she follows back are all extremely tall, even though she herself is under 160 cm at best. Her ex-boyfriend was a basketball player. Kourai doesn’t like basketball players because his brother Akitomo, who teased him, was. She eats healthy. Kourai cannot live without shrimp chips. They’ll surely fight about this._

_Sachirou, what are you doing. You’re acting like your old self, researching every single thing about volleyball and volleyball players. Why are you watching Kourai’s match. Aren’t you trying to get over him? Why are you looking at astrological signs and compatibility, you don’t even believe in that. SACHIROU!_

Hirugami clapped the sides of his face with his hands, a loud clap that startled his dog again. “What am I doing?” he said out loud, feeling as if he was waking up from a haze, the guilt settling in his stomach. He closed out all of his browsers and shut off his computer, turning off the lights before flinging himself on his bed.

He stared out of his window at the stars in the sky, as he let his hands rest beside him. The stillness and darkness of his room was oddly soothing. As he took deep breaths, he remembered how as a child, he used to think that everything was predetermined, that his fate was written in the stars and he was just supposed to follow that path. The older Hirugami knew that all of this was stupid now. The stars in the sky seemed fixed, but were actually moving around at incomprehensible speeds far, far away. All Sachirou could do was watch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I want to thank everyone who has left a comment on this work. I never expected people to like this so much and I really hope you'll enjoy it as the story unfolds. Hope this chapter isn't too messy since I skipped getting it beta-ed since the date chapter will DEFINITELY NEED BETA READERS. Feel free to reach out to me on Twitter or here if you're interested. Seriously I promise will respond to every comment and they make my day/ encourage me to continue so PLEASE KEEP THEM COMING AND DO NOT APOLOGIZE IF THEY'RE LONG BECAUSE I GUARANTEE THAT I WILL TREASURE THEM FOREVER AND LOVE THEM. 
> 
> ALSO HOSHIUMI'S MOM IS LIKE ONE OF MY FAVES EVER SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND WISE... OH TO BE HOSHIUMI'S DAD... MARRIED TO HOSHIUMI'S MOM. She loves her son so much and is a part of why our boy is so emotionally mature I cannot help but stan. I hope my portrayal of her met expectations!
> 
> Also this chapter is probably longer than it should be, but I thought it'd be important to show more of what Hirugami and Hoshiumi mean to each other and the different ways they're developing. The story is going to start moving REALLY FAST so I hope everyone is ready for the ride! HOSHIUMOM SAYS GAY RIGHTS!


	5. Flying in a Blizzard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twitter user kamomedies made beautiful art of this chapter, you can find it [here](https://twitter.com/kamomedies/status/1331505483564294145)! (Thank you I am so honored right now.)

The day of Hoshiumi Kourai’s dreaded arranged date finally arrived, beginning on a sour note as he woke up in a cold sweat ten minutes before his regular 5 AM alarm. He scrambled to find his phone, feeling somewhat disoriented as he tried to remember if he had a dream or nightmare minutes before. When he finally found his phone, which had been knocked off his bed inexplicably, he saw a text notification from the person he was waiting to hear back from.

_Okay. I’ll see you there at 6._

Yesterday, Hirugami cancelled on their planned lesson unexpectedly, sending a short apology that he studied too late the night before and needed to take some time off to recuperate. Though Hirugami wasn’t a stranger to cancelling commitments the day before, Hoshiumi couldn’t help but wonder if that actually was the reason.

Hoshiumi Kourai wasn’t usually the type of person to succumb to nerves. He was always eager at the chance of facing a challenge head-on and enthusiastic to prove himself on another stage. So why was this day any different? Hoshiumi found himself staring longer at his reflection in the mirror, feeling as if the clothes that he bought with Hirugami felt much too tight, and his hands shaking as he buttoned up the front of his shirt. He found it difficult to stomach the breakfast his mother made for him, nodding absently as she repeated her advice from two nights ago to him.

_Dating isn’t a competition. Listen to how she feels. Don’t try to rush things with her. Be nice to Sachirou. Don’t forget to spend time with Mom when you get a girlfriend._

As he got up to leave, his mother gave him a kiss on his cheek and tucked two bags of sweets into his backpack. “Give these to her. And Sachirou too, if you see him.” she said, chuckling as Hoshiumi wiped at his cheek with the sleeve of his sweater. “Now good luck, Kourai! I said this to Akitomo before he went to college, but if an absolute nerd like your dad could get a wife, it should be easy for strong young boys like you!”

Hoshiumi’s ears flushed hot with embarrassment as he walked out the door. He wondered if it was normal for boys his age to still spend that much time with their mothers. Since Hirugami cancelled on him yesterday, Hoshiumi spent all day with his mother making and wrapping sweets to give to neighbors and friends. Doing a mindless activity for once distracted Hoshiumi from thinking too deeply about any feelings he had about the newfound awkwardness between him and Hirugami and the inevitability of his first date.

That night, Hoshiumi felt those feelings crash down on him as he laid in bed trying to sleep. He couldn’t shake off the fear that his date might pan out to be a disaster like the “practice runs” he had with Sachirou, or even worse, that Hirugami might be mad at him for some reason. Though he made a mental note to give Hirugami space as he was recovering for the day, Hoshiumi couldn’t sleep until he had some kind of reassurance that everything between them was okay.

Unfortunately, the call went straight to voicemail. Hoshiumi’s heart dropped as he heard his friend’s cheerful voice in the recording. “You’ve reached Hirugami Sachirou. Unfortunately, I can’t take your call right now, but please leave a message and I’ll get back to you soon!”

“Sachirou, it’s Kourai,” Hoshiumi had said too loudly into his phone. “I… I just wanted to ask you if we can meet up before my date tomorrow. I don’t want a lesson, I just want a friend! I’ll be at the old place at 6AM. If you’re not there, I’ll jog anyways without you so just come if you want!”

Hoshiumi wondered if it was a bad omen that today was a particularly foggy day. The sunrise was nowhere to be seen, but the dark sky was gradually becoming a lighter shade of blue. As Hoshiumi spotted his old high school on his walk, he thought it was fitting that the sky was almost Kamomedai blue. Spotting the beginning of a trail and an accompanying wooden fence, Hoshiumi realized he was close to his destination.

As first years at Kamomedai, Hoshiumi and Hirugami discovered a trail on one of their jogging expeditions. It was a scenic route that was meant for horseback riding, but was seemingly abandoned as the fences were not well kept and Hoshiumi didn’t remember seeing a single horse. Whenever they wanted a temporary break from their more unruly teammates like Nozawa or Gao, Hirugami and Hoshiumi would run off together down their favorite path. 

Before Hoshiumi could reminisce about simpler times, he spotted Hirugami from a distance. The tall boy was leaning against the wooden border fence, looking down at his phone. Hoshiumi froze in his tracks as he tried to remember how he normally greeted Hirugami, his mind flooding with relief as his friend showed up after all. Sensing someone close to him, Hirugami looked up and his eyes met Hoshiumi’s, who broke the silence with a yell.

“Sachirou!”

“Kourai-kun?”

The two jerked their heads away in embarrassment, realizing they yelled each others’ names at the same time. Hoshiumi noticed that Hirugami’s eyes were as tired as his were. “Sachirou, you go first,” Hoshiumi blurted out quickly.

 _Usually Kourai-kun is eager to go first in everything,_ Hirugami said, wondering if this was cause for worry. “Anyways, Kourai-kun, I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.”

Hoshiumi gawked as Hirugami said the same words that were on his mind. “ _You’re_ sorry? For what?” Hoshiumi said indignantly, “I don’t know how you stole the words out of my mouth, but I was about to apologize to you. From the moment I came back home, all I’ve done was ask things of you and doubted our friendship, and I never once stopped to think how you felt! Aren’t you mad at me?”

“Does it seem that way?” Hirugami asked, just as confused himself. _Honestly, the past few days I’ve been more mad at myself than anything._ “I wanted to apologize to you for not being much of a friend the past few days. I’ve been too harsh on you during our lessons, and didn’t think about your feelings enough either, Kourai-kun. It wasn’t until you told me that you needed a friend that I realized I haven’t been one at all.”

Seeing Hoshiumi look up at him with such hurt eyes made Hirugami hate himself. Ever since Sachirou swore to himself months ago that it was time for him to distance himself from the boy that he loved, he was too absorbed in getting rid of his own feelings that he never thought about what he truly meant to Kourai. Hirugami just assumed that someone as outgoing as Hoshiumi would easily make new friends in the volleyball circuit, as he was surrounded by new people constantly. _All I was focusing on was how you were hurting me without realizing it, but in doing so… I think I hurt Kourai-kun, too._

“It’s my fault, too,” Hoshiumi said, feeling guilty that Hirugami seemed just as apologetic as he was. “I think this was the longest we’ve ever been apart, isn’t it? Even then, it’s no excuse for treating my best friend like a stranger. I called you a liar.”

Hirugami felt his hands going cold as he thought about how he spent the day before debating on whether to just detach from Hoshiumi forever to save himself. _I really am the worst,_ he thought to himself, closing his eyes as he felt them water up. _All Kourai wanted from me was friendship… and I was punishing it for him because I was selfish._

As Hirugami was thinking, Hoshiumi dug into his backpack for the sweets he made with his mother. Hirugami’s eyes opened as he heard a rustling in front of him, seeing Hoshiumi holding out the star-patterned plastic gift bag almost like an offering. Hoshiumi’s eyes were serious and focused, as they locked onto Hirugami’s. “The time has come for me to ask for eternal forgiveness,” Hoshiumi said in a voice that was almost too dramatic. “Sachirou, please humbly accept this gift.”

Hirugami could not help but feel his expression soften as he reached out to accept Hoshiumi’s gift without a second thought. “So you do still read your dad’s weird manga, huh Kourai-kun? Are you planning on talking to your date like that?”

“Shut up!” Hoshiumi snapped, blushing. “You should be grateful I’m just as sorry as you are! Anyways, you should try one!” 

Hirugami couldn’t help but smile as he gazed at Hoshiumi angrily waiting for him to try one of the sweets, his marble eyes wide with anticipation. He had been on the receiving end of handmade presents and sweets from girls in high school and college, but there was something about seeing Hoshiumi do it that felt different. _I wonder if it’s going too far if I point out he’s acting like one of those girls in a shoujo manga. Yeah, definitely too far. He’ll definitely kick me for that one._

“If you insist,” Hirugami said, inspecting the star-patterned wrapping paper. He unwrapped one of the sweets, which was an extra-stuffed _daifuku_ almost bursting with red bean paste. _The filling is always the best part._ “Mmm. It’s delicious. Send my thanks to your mom!”

“Ha!” Hoshiumi said, his chest protruding with pride. “You thought my mom made it? Well all the sweets in your bag were made by me. I made sure to shape them like just like the shumai with extra fillings you love so much! All of that praise is mine now! Can any of the girls you know make _wagashi_ like that?”

Hirugami laughed. “Better than my sister’s for sure. These are much nicer than the Valentine’s Day chocolates I get. You make me feel like the luckiest guy in the world, Kourai-kun!”

Hoshiumi froze up as Hirugami realized he had said too much. _Whoops._

Hirugami narrowly dodged Hoshiumi’s swift kick by a mere millimeters. “OI!” Hoshiumi snapped, crossing his arms. “I said I wanted a friend today, not a lesson!”

“Sorry, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said hastily. “Also I have a present for you.”

“Huh?”

“Close your eyes,” Hirugami said, reaching into his messenger bag for his gift. “No peeking.” Hoshiumi dutifully shut his eyes tightly, his breath visible in the cold morning.

Hirugami had spent all of yesterday in his room, fighting with himself over the future of his friendship with Hoshiumi. He spent most of the day convinced that practicing detachment was the way to go, closing his eyes to replay the scenarios where he would slowly become less involved with Hoshiumi’s life. But every time he closed his eyes, he would get flashes of memories that he held dear to him. The time Hoshiumi grabbed his hands in excitement when they pulled off a quick in a tournament. The feeling of Hoshiumi winding athletic tape around his fingers. Hoshiumi thanking him at the end of their third year, for being the best friend he’s ever had.

Before he knew it, Hirugami found himself running to the nearest store right before closing. _It’s just a small gift. Something to keep you warm because I know you get so cold easily. But I want this to be my promise to you that I’ll never think of leaving you again. Regardless of my stupid feelings I never asked for, I want to be around him forever, as a friend. Because that’s what Kourai-kun wants._

Like the tape that Hoshiumi wrapped around his broken fingers, Hirugami wrapped the light blue scarf around Hoshiumi’s neck to soothe his own broken heart. “Fukuro-nii-san will get mad at me if I let his wing spiker get sick during the break,” Hirugami chuckled lightly, stepping back to look at Hoshiumi, who opened his eyes slowly. “Do you like it Kourai-kun?”

Hoshiumi felt his face get warm again, before rubbing his face on the soft material. Hirugami thought to himself that Hoshiumi looked like one of those kittens at the student clinic, enjoying the softness of a newly donated fleece blanket. “Yeah,” Hoshiumi said, but suddenly his ears perked up and his voice got louder. “Oi! You’re not flirting with me right now right? I just said n-”

“Don’t worry, Kourai-kun. That was a friendly gift,” Hirugami said, realizing that it was going to take some time before he could win back Hoshiumi’s trust. “I figured you’re going to be traveling for volleyball a lot and it won’t be the last time that we’re apart for that long… so I wanted to give you something to help you remember your best friend Sachirou.”

Hoshiumi stuck out his tongue. “I couldn’t forget you even if I tried!”

With their vows of friendship renewed, Hoshiumi and Hirugami started walking down their old favorite path, catching up animatedly about the time that they spent apart. Finally able to talk about volleyball with a friend who understood it just as much, Hoshiumi talked about all the games of his season with great detail, with Hirugami admitting that he spent the past two days watching them all. Hoshiumi’s eyes grew wide as Hirugami pointed out areas of improvement for his blocking technique, amazed that his friend could analyze his plays as quickly. 

“You know Sachirou,” Hoshiumi laughed, his eyes bright. “I really did miss you. I almost wish _this_ was my date instead.”

Hirugami immediately began to blush, before he suddenly remembered why they were meeting that day. He had completely forgotten about Hoshiumi’s date as they were engrossed in conversation. “Right,” Hirugami said, his mind spinning as he reached into his pocket for his phone. “Your date today..”

His pleasant expression faded as he sifted through the notes he took on his phone about the arrangement he made with Ueno Matsuri. Lunch and a movie afterward, leaving the evening free if they wanted to spend more time together. Hoshiumi frowned as he tried to peak over Hirugami’s shoulder, who was subconsciously blocking his view. “You’re going to leave me alone with another stranger again, aren’t you?” Hoshiumi protested.

“Isn’t this what you wanted? I promised you that by the end of these two weeks, you’ll be able to tell your older teammates you’ve been on dates, kissed someone, and have a girlfriend that you can text when you’re on the road,” Hirugami replied with some annoyance in his voice, as Hoshiumi sighed, admitting it was what he wanted. “Anyways, she’s experienced with dating athletes and follows V.League, so you’ll have plenty to talk about. She’s also an old classmate at Kamomedai, but I doubt you remember her. Anyways, I won’t be leaving you alone.”

Hirugami pulled out a stack of cards and a strange device. Hoshiumi recognized it as a lavalier microphone, a type of audio receiving device that he would tuck down the front of his shirt to conceal during interviews. “My sister has a bunch of these for when she records vlogs with her team. It’s kind of ridiculous how popular those are becoming,” Hirugami said, pulling out an earpiece for himself. “I guess maybe since I’ve spent my entire life around professional volleyball players, I don’t see them as very different from normal people. I can’t understand why anyone would want to watch a 10 minute video of their day-to-day lives.”

“Hey! Are you saying I’m boring?”

“Relax, Kourai-kun. If you were boring, I wouldn’t be monitoring you like this on your first date. I figured since you struggled the most with holding a pleasant conversation during our practice dates-”

“Oh? As if Sachiko wasn’t throwing in some low blows herself!?” Hoshiumi snapped as Hirugami gave an apologetic smile. “So what, you’re going to spy on me the whole time?”

“Basically,” Hirugami admitted, fanning out the cards in his hand, revealing an array of colors. “But only you. The microphone doesn’t have the latency to pick up anything your date is saying, so I can’t help you there. Anyways, these are cue cards. Red means ‘stop’, the volleyball with an X on it means ‘less volleyball talk’, and the peace sign means ‘calm down.’”

Hoshiumi’s eyes bulged out of his sockets in rage, finding each one of the cards offensive. “Is this what you’re thinking when I’m talking to you? Where’s the positive feedback? The respect?”

“Fine,” Hirugami said, pulling out a picture from his wallet of his dog. “Every time I hold this one up, it means ‘nice kill.’ Keep saying whatever you’ve been saying. Anyways, we should start walking over there if we want to get there on time, Kourai-kun.”

“Hmph.”

Dejected at having to return to a more “date-suitable” persona, Hoshiumi’s face became a perpetual pout, much to Hirugami’s displeasure. _I can’t help but feel guilty trying to change you so that you can get what you want,_ Hirugami mused to himself. _If it were up to me, I wouldn’t change a thing, but the world of dating is way scarier than anything you’ve ever faced before._

* * *

Hoshiumi Kourai was not sure what to make of the girl sitting across the table, staring at him with a fascination that he was unable to read. Introducing herself as Ueno Matsuri, she was dressed in a dark linen dress lined with black lace that fit her well. As they exchanged basic introductions and pleasantries, Hoshiumi had the creeping feeling that she was reading his every move.

Hoshiumi couldn’t help but notice that everyone that passed her or glanced at their table gave her a second look, similarly to the type of expression that girls at Kamomedai would give Sachirou. She was exactly as Hirugami described her: “long black hair, bangs, large eyes, and dangerously cute.” Hoshiumi had no idea what the last descriptor meant until she sat in front of him with a calculating look in her eye, tracing over him with her gaze while wearing a coy smile. _I see,_ Hoshiumi thought, his eyes narrowing. _This girl is like a female Hirugami Sachirou. This is Sachiko in the flesh._

He gripped his fist under the table. _I refuse to lose today!_

When Hoshiumi noticed that Ueno was a petite girl who was much shorter than him, he couldn’t help but smile. _1-0. We’re off to a good start!!_ He stared at her with an intense gaze, noting she had the same shade of blue-black eyes as his teammate Kageyama, which fueled his desire to emerge victorious. 

Ueno seemed to blush under Kourai’s stern gaze, closing her eyes as she giggled. Immediately, Hoshiumi picked up his hand to slap his the table, ready to stand up and yell, “HA! You blinked first! I’ve won!” when he saw a flash of red at the corner of his eye.

Hoshiumi used all his strength to stifle his urge to screech as he spotted Hirugami Sachirou, sitting a few tables away, dressed in Hoshiumi’s Hollywood cap and a pair of sunglasses. Holding up the red card like a soccer referee, Hirugami had a teasing smile that said to Kourai, _I’m still here._

 _Sachirou!! That bastard!!_ Hoshiumi cursed under his breath as he sat down. He realized that he never got back his cap after he threw it at Hirugami, and couldn’t help but feel upset that his friend still looked handsome with such a ridiculous disguise. _Dating is a rigged game!_

“Hm?” Ueno tilted her head in confusion. “Is something wrong Hoshiumi-kun? You’re so intense!” 

Hoshiumi’s eyes flitted back to his date, who was still watching him intently. “Oh,” Hoshiumi said, realizing that he had been unusually quiet. “It’s nothing! I just remembered that I brought something for you…” 

Hoshiumi withdrew the bag of sweets from his backpack and handed it out to her. “I made these with my mom yesterday,” he muttered, watching her appreciate the packaging. “I’m not home often, so whenever I’m back she likes to celebrate.”

 _Kourai, you’re so honest and cute that it should be a crime._ Hirugami smiled to himself, imagining the bewilderment in Ueno’s eyes. _Ueno-chan’s always had a thing for bad boys. I wonder what she’s thinking right now. Maybe I should set her up with Gao next. Well, he’s not exactly a bad boy either… He’s just bad at everything._

Ueno raised her eyebrows, before breaking into a charming smile. “You’re so sweet, Hoshiumi-kun! I’m surprised… back in high school, I used to think you had a bit of a bad boy streak.”

Hoshiumi felt his temple twitch when he heard the phrase ‘bad boy.’ “Huh? Did you just call me bad? If I’m incompetent at anything, I will do whatever it takes to be good at it! There isn’t a single thing in volleyball I’m ‘bad’ at, as a player who can do it all!”

Hirugami sighed as he lifted up all three of his cue cards to Hoshiumi’s horror: “calm down”, “don’t talk too much about volleyball”, and the dreaded red card. However, much to Hoshiumi’s surprise, Ueno didn’t seem unnerved by his reaction, but rather intrigued. 

“I just meant you seemed like a rebel. You know, with that hair of yours, that eye makeup, never paying attention in class, and picking up a lot of fights. I’ve always found men like that very interesting,” Ueno said, perching her face on her face in a manner. “It seems like you find me interesting too, the way you’re staring.”

The seagull-eyed boy blushed angrily, finally blinking for the first time since the date started. “What!? It’s just my regular expression! It has nothing to do with-” Hoshiumi began defensively, struggling to find what to say next. _What would Sachirou do here? He’d probably compliment her… but what is there to compliment? She hasn’t done anything worthy of awe!_

He swallowed, looking back at Ueno’s face. Hoshiumi had to admit that Ueno Matsuri was conventionally attractive to the point he wondered how he never noticed her at Kamomedai. She looked like one of the girls that would be on a poster in Akitomo’s room or a pretty girl in a high school drama. Hoshiumi scanned her face for the optimal place to compliment, like he was at the apex of a spike when he noticed the outline of her eyes. He was so focused that he didn’t notice the plates of food being brought over to them.

_The dashes at the end of her eyes look like mine! If I compliment her, it’ll be like complimenting myself!_

“F-fine,” Hoshiumi said, looking away, feeling his ears get hot. “I was just admiring how beautiful your eyes were.”

He immediately looked toward Hirugami, who was holding up the picture of his dog. Feeling a sense of momentum, Hoshiumi pressed forward. “I don’t meet a lot of people who have ringed eyes like me!” 

“Oh?” Ueno said, pointing at the corner of her eye. “That’s a wing that I applied with eyeliner. Isn’t that what you wear?”

Hoshiumi felt as if he was struck by lightning. “Applied? Eyeliner?” his eyes wider than ever. “You mean they’re not real?”

Ueno started to laugh as Hoshiumi’s naivete continued to unravel. She had gone on countless dates since high school, with all types of people and thought she had a good grasp on what kind of man a professional volleyball player would be. Most of the men on V.League were worldly, as they spent considerable time in international leagues and were never looking for anything too serious since their careers took them everywhere. Hoshiumi Kourai was completely different from any other man she had ever met.

 _Sachirou-kun_ , she mused to herself. _You’ve done such a good job keeping him away from the rest of the world._

“Yes, it’s makeup. Since you seem like a good, honest boy I’ll let you in on some more secrets. I’m wearing blue eye contacts and eyelash extensions. Does this change what you think about me?” Ueno said, leaning across the table in a way that made Hoshiumi’s heart race. “I’m not sure if Sachirou-kun told you, but I’m a model by profession. Much like how the rules in volleyball shape the game, the rules I have to play by are what the current Japanese beauty standards are. Some men feel deceived by it, others don’t care unless they have a pretty face to look at, what do you think?”

 _It’s just like Sachirou’s fake glasses. The way he does his hair, the clothes he picks, and the way he talks. It’s not the Sachirou that I personally knew, but it was a part of him that worked well when it came to the game he wanted to play._ Hoshiumi thought to himself. _She’s playing the same game, except for a living!_

“I think it’s impressive,” Hoshiumi muttered, suddenly feeling self-conscious of his own appearance. “My appearance really isn’t something I think of too often. Maybe except if it’s how my form looks when I’m being recorded.”

Now it was time for Ueno to express surprise. “You’re kidding me!” she said, clapping her hands. “So do you actually look like that naturally? No way...”

Hoshiumi’s stark white hair and ringed pale green eyes were certainly unique features. “W-what do you mean by that?” Hoshiumi started. Ueno had moved her chair abnormally close to his before he knew it. Hoshiumi wasn’t used to people encroaching on his personal space, especially anyone outside of his family and Sachirou, since his intimidating persona usually kept perpetrators at bay. 

Hirugami was staring at the scene unfolding before him and gripped his glass of water too hard. Hoshiumi had gone quiet, and Sachirou found himself hoping that he’d push her away. _Ueno-chan is forward as always with what she wants and what’s on her mind. Dammit! I knew I should have picked an easier date for Kourai-kun._ Ueno had the potential to end Hirugami’s game with Hoshiumi in an instant; something that Hoshiumi said that he wanted and Hirugami _thought_ he wanted until it faced him. Before Hirugami could make a move, he heard a group of whispers around him.

“Oh my gosh, is that Captain Hirugami from the Schweiden Adlers!?” 

“Wait that’s totally him. I saw a picture of Kageyama Tobio with like, the same disguise! Do you think he shaved off his goatee?”

“What do you think he’s doing all alone!”

 _Could this come at a worse time?_ Hirugami swore under his breath. As the non-famous volleyball player of the family, Hirugami spent his entire life being confused as Fukuro in public and having family dinners overthrown by groups of fans who wanted to compare hand sizes, take pictures, and quiz the Hirugami family for middle blocking training tips. As a rookie, Hoshiumi was barely getting used to fame and being recognized by fans _on a date_ no less would only cause Kourai trouble in the long run in the form of rumors and leaked pictures. 

Hirugami put down enough money to cover his drink and a generous tip, and stood up to lead the fans away. Hoshiumi saw Hirugami leave at the corner of his eye at the time he needed his friend most, his eyes shining with betrayal. _Sorry Kourai-kun. It’s time for me to play decoy for you._

With Sachirou gone, Hoshiumi felt nothing but dread as this girl was getting unusually close to him, almost hanging off his arm as she marveled over his features. Just days ago, Hoshiumi would have delighted in this opportunity to brag to Heiwajima, Sokolov, and Hirugami for doubting his prowess with women, but as it was happening, Hoshiumi wanted nothing more but to run toward the mountains. _Maybe it’s time to break free of civilization’s chains and take my place in the animal kingdom, far from the complex mating rituals of humans. I do not belong in this world!_ he thought dramatically.

He froze as he felt Ueno’s cold palm on his face, tracing the corner of his eyes, feeling her breath against his neck. “Oi,” Hoshiumi started to say, “W-we’re in public. People might look at us!”

“Let them be jealous,” Ueno said boldly, admiring his face. “You know how many girls would _kill_ to wake up with natural green eyes and eyeliner? Of course you don’t. You’re so far removed from it, that you’re a little secret island.”

“Hey,” Hoshiumi snapped, “Watch it with the ‘little’ part-”

“When Sachirou-kun told me he was setting me up on a date with someone from the Schweiden Adlers, I didn’t think he would bring you, even though it only made sense… only you and Fukuro-san are from Nagano after all,” Ueno said into his ear, her hair draped over his leg at this point. “Do you know what kind of reputation Sachirou-kun has around other people? He’s quick to drop anyone he doesn’t consider interesting, after playing with them a little bit. He did it to me as well.”

“Sachirou would never do that to me,” Hoshiumi replied, starting to feel uncomfortable. “What are you trying to say?”

“That’s exactly what I’m trying to say. My friends and I were wondering what makes Kourai-kun so special? So special that Hirugami Sachirou follows him around like a loyal dog. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw you alone without him. Back at Kamomedai, he’d never leave your side. Everyone who wanted to know Kamomedai’s famous Little Giant more had to go through the Immovable Hirugami. And he didn’t let anyone through,” Ueno wrapped her arms around Hoshiumi’s. “To him you were _untouchable._ Haven't you always wondered why you never met his friends outside of volleyball? Or what kind of world Sachirou-kun is a part of? From the look on your face, I'm guessing you have no idea. It's probably because he's worked so hard to keep that separate. I wonder what changed?”

 _Sachirou… kept people away from me? But why?_ Hoshiumi felt his heart sink. “I don’t know what you’re getting at, but you’re way too close!” he snapped. “What does anything Sachirou does have to do with me?”

“You’re so pure, Hoshiumi-kun. The more you talk, the more I realize what Sachirou-kun likes so much about you. You’re so different from any man I’ve ever been with, and I promise that I won’t be the first and only girl who tries to do these things with you. Trust me, once everyone in Japan knows about the Little Giant, there will be so many girls trying to get closer to you that Sachirou-kun won’t be able to block them out anymore. But,” Ueno took Hoshiumi’s hand in hers and moved closer, “Let me be the one to give you an introduction to what lovers do. Surely you understand the significance of being first, don’t you?”

As Ueno’s face moved closer to his, Hoshiumi’s life flashed before his eyes. He remembered his coach Aaron Murphy back at Kamomedai, talking to all of the first years. 

_Seagulls hold their own in any weather-- flying against the harshest sea winds and even in blizzards. They’re famous for their ability to swim too, sea or sky, fair weather or foul. They can handle it all. Now, I can't say I know what it's like to be a seagull, but personally, I think it would be pretty fun if I could fly. Especially in the middle of a blizzard._

Facing the blizzard in front of him, Hoshiumi was faced with two choices. Fly directly into the storm and don’t run away from the challenge or turn away and fly the other direction. First and foremost, he didn’t want to kiss the girl in front of him. Nothing about the situation felt _right_ and she was still a complete stranger. However, there was nothing Hoshiumi hated more than backing down. _Sorry Mom,_ Hoshiumi said making his decision, _This kind of dating is in fact, a competition._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thank you to everyone who's been reading my fanfic! I am so grateful for any comment, kudo, or just any kind of love out there for HiruHoshi because they're one of my favorite pairings in all of Haikyuu!! and deserve so much content. This chapter was definitely the hardest for me to write and I was debating on making it 2, but figured that it would be best to see these two scenes in succession. I hope that the length of Chapter 5 makes up for how long it took to get it out to everyone! Special thanks to Jun, Nix and Court for beta reading this-- honestly I have no idea what I'd do without you two. I didn't expect so many people would want to read a multi-chapter HiruHoshi fic so every time I see anyone interact with it my day is made. 
> 
> Also I really started this fic out as a diehard Hoshiumi fan, but Hirugami has seriously found his way into my heart... I REALLY love his character and Chapter 351 of the manga is one of my faves.


	6. Simple Plans

_“Hey Hirugami!”_

_“Yes, Hoshiumi-san?”_

_“Can you teach me how to do that block you did back against Yako Junior High? The one that really pissed off the Miya Twins. Teach me how to stuff a spiker! That was so cool!”_

_“Oh… sure. Maybe after practice. It’s not that special, my brother does those better than I do.”_

A split-second before Ueno Matsuri’s lips could touch his, Hoshiumi Kourai’s instincts kicked in. He could not run from what was going to happen, but every cell of his body rejected the notion of kissing the girl in front of him. In volleyball, Hoshiumi faced this dilemma of deciding whether to go on the defense or offense when a ball was hurtling toward him at ten times the speed as this girl was closing in. His eyes lit up as he thought of the perfect solution. _A kill block. The pinnacle of a solid defense and offense. Scoring off a block by knocking the ball down._ It was a technique that Hoshiumi and Hirugami were known for in their high school days that made Kamomedai such a fearsome team. Toward the end of middle school and the beginning of their friendship, Hoshiumi asked Hirugami to teach it to him, and continued to use it ever since as a tool in his arsenal. 

“Ha ha!” Hoshiumi yelled out, startling everyone in the restaurant as his hands went upward and pushed Ueno Matsuri’s face away from his. He made sure not to put too much force behind his push, since it was against his morals to injure anyone unless it was unintentional in volleyball. “How’s that for a ‘nice kill’?”

Ueno let out a scream as Hoshiumi jumped victoriously onto his chair, bouncing up and down. “That’s for trying to score against Hoshiumi Kourai, the Little Giant! There isn’t a single thing that is ‘bad’ about my game! I am both a master of offense and defense, thanks to countless hours of training since I dedicated my life to perfecting my volleyball prowess in fourth grade!” he said, pridefully, before his expression changed to horror when Ueno looked up.

Seething with rage only inches from him, Ueno Matsuri’s eyelash was hanging off the corner of her eye. Hoshiumi gulped, being reminded of his mom’s anger whenever she caught him and Akitomo tossing around a volleyball indoors. _Oh no_ , Hoshiumi’s blood ran cold. _I knocked her eyelash off!_ “U-Ueno-chan, your eyelashes… I have a first aid kit in my backpack-”

Ueno’s beautiful face morphed into the kind of visage that Hoshiumi expected to see on a horror movie poster. He winced as she grabbed the cluster of fallen eyelashes and ripped them off, expecting to be sprayed with blood, only to be relieved as he remembered her mentioning that they were fake. “Hoshiumi Kourai,” she said, her voice building up dangerously. “What the _HELL_ is wrong with you?”

“Nothing!” Hoshiumi said a bit too quickly, his pride flaring up at the worst possible time. “My mother says that I’m perfect the way I am.”

Knowing his response was wrong the moment it came out of his mouth, Hoshiumi was not surprised when Ueno grabbed the front of his shirt with a tight fist. “You fix this right now,” Ueno said, shaking with anger. “You fix this right now or I will start screaming at you in public and cause a scene. I will end you.”

Ueno stared him down murderously, with the intensity of an enemy middle blocker marking their target. _Why did Sachirou have to leave me at a time like this? And with three other girls to boot!_ Hoshiumi said, the scarf around his neck feeling tighter as he recoiled out of fear. _I feel like I’m staring straight into the eyes of a snake right now! If I make one wrong step… she’ll eat me whole!_

“Okay, okay!” Hoshiumi said, quickly shifting into full apology mode. “I’ll make it right! Give me some time to look it up on my phone. What is ‘eyelash’ in kanji!?”

* * *

As Hoshiumi was flying straight into the eye of a storm, Hirugami was having a leisurely walk down the city streets. He successfully led the fans away from Hoshiumi, gently letting them down as he revealed himself to be Hirugami Fukuro’s younger brother, a mere veterinary student. One of the fans was kind enough to tell Sachirou that he should try his hand at acting or modeling, a request he cheerfully declined. _I’m not Fukuro-nii-san or Kourai-kun, people who were made to be on that stage._

After he broke free from the fans, Hirugami felt an overwhelming urge to run back to the restaurant and tear Kourai away from that girl. Though Hirugami kept his emotions in check pretty well for most of the day, his control started slipping at the thought of Hoshiumi kissing Ueno. If it hadn’t been for the intervention of a group of strangers, Hirugami might have blown his cover and found an excuse to intrude on the situation. 

_It shouldn’t matter to me at all._

Walking in the opposite direction of the restaurant, Hirugami kept repeating that phrase under his breath. His brown eyes glazed over, staring at the ground below him as he continued to take steps away. Those impulses and feelings to run back to Hoshiumi and take him away with him were old habits he was trying to break. They felt like chains around his ankles, shackles that bound him from being able to be a true friend to Hoshiumi. Since Kourai returned, Hirugami felt as if he was in constant conflict with himself. 

There was that part of him that was Hoshiumi Kourai’s best friend. It was the role everyone knew him as since Kamomedai, and brought Sachirou happiness. Being Hoshiumi’s best friend and confidante was an honor, the side of Hirugami that he loved the most about himself. He had a sense of fulfillment being the one to help Hoshiumi in his times of need, a base that Kourai could return to whenever he was feeling lost, and being able to support his friend wholeheartedly meant the world to Hirugami. It was a relationship that was just as sacred to him as it was to Hoshiumi, who returned those feelings in full. When Hoshiumi grabbed his hands after a miraculous block and jumped up and down, yelling, “My best friend is the best middle blocker in all of Japan!” for all of Tokyo Metropolitan Gymnasium to hear, Hirugami had never loved volleyball more. 

Hoshiumi’s best friend was the position that Hirugami wished that he could play forever, as a life without Hoshiumi would truly be one without light. It was a role he was confident that he would stick to, no matter what they had to fly through together. Blizzards, rain, water, as long as he had Hoshiumi by his side, they could conquer it all. 

Then, there was the part of him that was in love with Hoshiumi Kourai. Like creeping vines that were predating a tree, Hirugami hadn’t noticed them until they were entwined around his neck, constricting his ability to breathe. The more that he began to admire his best friend, that admiration turned into longing that spurned feelings that Hirugami felt nothing but ashamed about. Jealousy, inadequacy, insecurity, obsession, it was as if all of his negative emotions from volleyball transferred themselves to a new source. Hirugami started to feel a shadow of possessiveness come over him when he saw his best friend being admired by others. 

His intrusive thoughts only continued to worsen over time. Whenever he would see Hoshiumi, he would feel this impulse to grab him and hold him tight without any warning. If he considered his friendship with Kourai like the sun, the part of him that was in love with his friend was an unwelcome eclipse. The feeling that he wanted to keep Hoshiumi all to himself felt so wrong. _Seagulls are birds that are meant to fly free. Only someone who was heartless and cruel would ever think of caging one. Why would anyone do that, except to keep around a miserable, living trophy that they could have the pride of calling theirs?_

The part of him that loved Hoshiumi Kourai was the part Hirugami hated the most about himself. They were nothing but selfish feelings that had him constantly on guard when it came to his thoughts and actions around his best friend. He wasted countless hours of his life running through situations in his head where he could be with Hoshiumi and they would both be happy, only to be hit with the reality that a relationship between them would never work out. Unlike the time they were at Kamomedai, where they saw each other every day and spent every waking moment as teammates together, they were now at completely different stages of their lives. Even if there was ever a miniscule chance that Hoshiumi returned his feelings, which was near impossible itself, a relationship like theirs would inevitably destroy both of them, along with their careers. 

That was why Hirugami was convinced the day before, that the only ethical decision he could make from this point on was to let go of Hoshiumi Kourai completely. He cancelled their “dating lesson” for the day out of pain, unable to face the object of his emotional turmoil, as he thought of ways he could make this break gentle for both of them. _It’s like what volleyball was to me. The moment I realized that I could quit, it felt like I was free._

_Is it possible to even quit… a person?_

Hirugami knew that those two parts of him could never coexist. He could not be Kourai’s best friend while being selfishly in love with him. It was foolish for him to think he could be Hoshiumi’s best friend while teaching him about the insides and outs of falling in love and dating, so Hoshiumi could achieve his overly simplistic goal of experiencing “kissing and dating” to return to the Schweiden Adlers as a “man” or whatever that meant to him. This was supposed to be his opportunity for Hirugami to face his feelings and actively put an end to them. Seeing Kourai fumble with a romance would shake the fantasy out of his mind, and the moment Hoshiumi ended up with someone else, his shackles would fall away completely. If that didn’t work, Hirugami thought to himself that his last chance at salvation was to break up their friendship to set both of them free. 

However, when Hirugami saw the pain in Kourai’s eyes when he questioned if Sachirou ever really cared about him or knew what true love was, it burned a hole into his heart. _It was like Kourai-kun was staring me down, forcing me to choose him._ Hirugami clenched his fist as he thought of his decision, the one cemented with the gift he wrapped around Hoshiumi’s neck hours ago.

_I want to be a part of Kourai-kun’s life forever. I don’t care how much pain it brings me, but I will give it my everything to deny and reject the side of me that might destroy this friendship forever. I’ll take on this burden alone, as a final act of loving him._

_There’s no one else that can play the role I’m playing right now. There’s too much damage that his public image could incur if he tries to date with no experience as a public figure. He isn’t close to other people as he is to me. None of our other friends knows more about dating and love as much as I do, or they might mislead him on purpose out of amusement. If Kourai-kun is going to mess up with love, I rather it be in private with me instead of in front of the world._

_If we truly were meant to be best friends, then I should be able to stay detached from this game of pretend. Kourai-kun might confuse my pretend affection with intimacy and get confused, but I need to reject those emotions if it ever gets that far. He’s never been intimate with another human being, and might get confused, which has the potential to damage our friendship._

With the weight of his thoughts on his shoulders again, Hirugami took a deep breath, wringing his hands. “Ah,” he said out loud, realizing that if Hoshiumi and Ueno kissed, he would be relieved of his duty. The fact that he was able to feel this way meant that there was some progress being made, and the way that date was looking, Hirugami wasn’t surprised if they already had kissed. “I really should be happy to think about that happening. Then I don’t have to worry about what comes next, because that’ll be the end of it. I’d just have to nurse a heartbreak and then return to normal as Kourai-kun’s best friend. I should be thankful it’s just that simple.”

Feeling as if he deserved a cup of coffee on one of the longest days of his life, Sachirou thought of treating himself to coffee. He groaned as he remembered that it was still a weekday and that he had to catch the train to his evening class, musing that sometimes he forgot he had a life outside of “meaninglessly pining for Hoshiumi Kourai.” He was about to get in line at the city’s closest Starbucks when his phone vibrated with a series of texts. 

_HIRUGAMI SACHIROU!!! WHERE ARE YOU?_

_HOW COULD YOU ABANDON ME LIKE THAT YOU BASTARD!?!_

_COME BACK TO THE RESTAURANT RIGHT NOW!!!_

Hirugami’s eyebrows shot up with alarm. Hoshiumi was always dramatic and erratic in his texts. _Don’t tell me something’s gone wrong the moment I left Kourai-kun to his own devices. Maybe if I ignore them, he’ll figure it out,_ Hirugami thought with annoyance. _When I left, they were about an inch away from each other’s faces. Does he just want me back so he can brag? I always forget how annoying Kourai-kun actually is._

Before Hirugami could put his phone away, his phone vibrated, showing two more texts that sent chills through his spine.

_Hirugami Sachirou… please… save me…_

_MY BLOOD WILL BE ON YOUR HANDS!!!_

“Kourai-kun,” he said, turning to sprint toward the restaurant, “What the hell did you do?” 

* * *

After untangling Hoshiumi from the disaster that was his first date and apologizing profusely to Ueno Matsuri for the trouble, Hirugami dragged his friend back to Starbucks and demanded coffee as his fee for the stress Hoshiumi put him through. Walking out with the largest cup size that Starbucks had to offer, Hirugami made his way to the train station two miles away with Hoshiumi in tow. Hoshiumi’s mood seemed to improve considerably after being removed from the situation and he was back to his regular talkative self.

“Y’know Sachirou, a normal person would need two hands to hold that drink,” Hoshiumi said, squinting as Hirugami just held his beverage with one hand. “I was just thinking about how you and Captain probably just block by existing on the court, with hands that big. Oh! Speaking of which, I used one of your techniques on my date. It was very effective, though I think it was almost _too effective._ ”

“Oh? Which one?” Hirugami arched his eyebrows as he took a long sip of his drink.

Hoshiumi threw his hands out in front of him, making a concentrated face. “A kill block!” he said proudly.

Hirugami spat out his coffee, realizing what Hoshiumi had done to Ueno on their date. “Kourai-kun, please tell me you’re joking,” he said, “You can’t have been that much of an idiot.”

“You know Sachirou, I thought you were a real jerk for leaving me behind for three girls, but now that you mentioned they were Adlers fans, you really should’ve brought them over! I would’ve loved to meet them!” Hoshiumi said while keeping up with Hirugami’s long strides. “I’d thank them for supporting the Schweiden Adlers, and make sure they left thinking ‘Hoshiumi Kourai is my favorite V.League player ever!’”

“That’s all that you care about?” Hirugami said in awe, still in shock over the scene he returned to at the restaurant. “Not the fact that you had every chance in the world to accomplish your goal and you threw it away?”

Seeing Kourai squatting on his chair, holding up a beauty mirror for a very angry girl was a sight that Hirugami did not expect to see when he came back to check on Hoshiumi’s first date. How did Kourai even manage to get into a situation like that? The worries that plagued Hirugami all afternoon came to a halt when he saw Hoshiumi, once again, defying his expectations. “When I left, it looked like she was about to kiss you. Wasn’t that what you wanted? A kiss? Dating experience? She was handing it to you on a plate.”

The sides of Hoshiumi’s mouth shot downwards as he recalled the uncomfortable scene. “I do not consider what happened back there a failure, Sachirou! Don’t think that for a second. I just didn’t feel _right_ about the situation at all, and wasn’t going to force myself just to do something like that with a stranger to check off a few boxes. You understand?”

Hirugami winced, thinking about his own first kiss. How his sister’s boyfriend at the time had teased him about never having one, which pushed him to kiss a girl he barely knew under the cherry blossoms at the school festival. _That’s sort of how a first kiss feels like though, isn’t it?_

Hoshiumi continued on. “Sure, I may have been naive about love when I first asked you to help me out with this whole ‘dating’ thing. I _thought_ you could just rush it, find a girl that sort of likes you, and then get started on all this romantic stuff and then tell all your friends that you’ve grown up because of it. But after talking to my mom about it, y’know, I felt a bit different about it all.”

As they approached the train station, Hoshiumi suddenly got in front of Hirugami as the sun was starting to set. “I want to know how it’s like to be in love with someone. Not just dating to know how it feels like, or to go back and tell Heiwajima and Sokolov that I did it. I mean, I still want to do that, and I still want to do that in the time I have left in Nagano. When V.League starts I won’t have any time to go meet girls or anything.”

Hirugami forced a mischievous grin. “What about the cheerleaders that follow the team around? I saw them in the replays and they looked pretty cute. Added bonus, they’ll know exactly how to praise you to make you feel energized before a match.”

“It’s their job to do those things!” Hoshiumi said in exasperation. “I want to make sure that when I love someone, I do it right. I want to know more about dating that leads into actual love. You told me you loved at least one of those girls you dated in high school, right? I want to know how that feels. Once I have an idea, I think this dating stuff will come a lot easier for me. What I’m asking is-- don’t hold back with your lessons with me anymore!”

“Huh?” Hirugami raised his eyebrows, wondering what had come over his friend in the time they spent apart. He thought that Hoshiumi’s first experience with dating would have been enough to turn him off the idea forever, but there was a new determination in his friend’s eyes that scared him. It was almost as if he was even _more_ serious about his mission.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Hoshiumi snapped, the cluelessness on Hirugami’s face was not the expression he was looking for. “I want you to teach me _everything_ you know about being in love with someone, past just flirting or making a first impression.Things like how a kiss is supposed to feel, what lovers do, and this time, I won’t accuse you of being a liar. I rather learn all of it once from my best friend in the world than go out there and mess up with strangers.”

“If you mess up with strangers, you’ll have the media to follow that extensively,” Hirugami said, suddenly reminded of how fixated tabloids were his sister’s love life for seemingly no reason and the stress that caused. “Is that it?”

“Well,” Hoshiumi paused for a bit. “That’s a part of it. But can you do that Sachirou? I don’t want you to feel forced to help me if you don’t want to. You’re just the only person I really know that has the experience. As you saw how that date went, I could really use the help! Can you show me everything?”

 _Life is never that simple is it?_ Hirugami’s face formed into a defeated smile as he faced his fear head on. _Here’s the ultimate training to see how detached I can make myself from that part of me that I hate so much, presenting itself to me._

“Where do you want to start?” Hirugami said, shifting his voice to a more playful tone to mask his inner panic as Hoshiumi’s sudden request. 

“Kissing,” Hoshiumi said, as Hirugami stopped himself from spitting out his coffee a second time. “It wasn’t until I faced that girl directly and she almost kissed me that I realized how unprepared I was for a situation like that. When the time comes, I want to be able to kiss someone back and feel confident about not messing up.”

 _Say no to him, say no to him, say no to him,_ the more reasonable side of Hirugami’s brain was yelling as he pondered over that thought. The sunset cast a red light over Hoshiumi’s face, reflecting off his stark white hair. This was the perfect opportunity for Hirugami to draw the line, tell Hoshiumi that it was too weird of a request, and somehow, or make an excuse to cop out. 

However, the events of today made Hirugami feel daring for the first time in a while. Spending the past few months running away did nothing for his feelings, and he was overcome with the desire to do as Hoshiumi did, and take on the challenge. _If I can kiss Kourai-kun and feel nothing, that would be the surest sign that I can, and will get over him._

“I have classes all day tomorrow,” Hirugami said steadily, “But if you want, I have the weekend off, if you’d like to stay over starting Friday night. I’ll give you a crash course on what lovers do so you’ll be able to take on next week’s dates with ease. How does that sound, Kourai-kun?”

Hirugami wondered how he could say those words so easily, but figured that the more detached he sounded from the proposal, the less that Kourai would suspect anything was going on within him. Hoshiumi held out his hand, like they were shaking on a deal. “Deal. I promise that I’ll be a good student and not make anything weird this time!” Hoshiumi said, grasping Hirugami’s hands with both of his own enthusiastically. “Thank you Sachirou, I know I could count on you!”

“That’s what best friends are for,” Hirugami replied, giving a cheerful smile.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, sorry for scaring everyone last week with the cliffhanger, I hope that this is the satisfying beginning to the resolution of the "who will Hoshiumi kiss first" arc... I am doing my best to update at least once a week (or more if I'm on a roll). Thank you for reading always, it means the world to me to be able to read everyone's comments or help people get into HiruHoshi!


	7. Stolen Kisses

While Hirugami was spending his Friday in school, Hoshiumi Kourai was sitting on the floor of his room, figuring out what to pack for the weekend. He tore through the clothes in his closet, throwing them down on the floor as he flipped through multiple volleyball t-shirts filled with motivational quotes. “The Way of the Ace”, “The Power of the All-Arounder”, and “Wing Spiker Battle Cry” shirts used to be Hoshiumi’s go-to outfits, but today, none of them felt right. _Sachirou always said those were lame_ , Hoshiumi recalled, throwing aside his “display of willpower” shirt. 

Ever since Hirugami showed up to their first meeting fashionably dressed, Hoshiumi started to feel self-conscious about his own sense of fashion and how it affected the way he was perceived. _If the world has a fixed number of girls and Hirugami Sachirou is an eligible bachelor,_ Hoshiumi thought, clenching his fist, _Then he is another opponent I must overcome when it comes to dating! I need to look just as good as he does-- no, even better!_

Kourai looked at the pair of seagull-patterned pajamas he already folded up and put in his bag and wrinkled his nose. They had been his faithful traveling pajamas for the past few years that he brought with him to the U19 camp that paired his matching seagull nightcap well. It was a keepsake from his grandmother, who loved to take requests from him and Akitomo for new crafts to make. Back in high school, when he and Hirugami would have sleepovers regularly, Hoshiumi would wear that exact set and never thought twice about it. Hirugami never said a thing, and Hoshiumi was convinced they were the coolest pajamas in the world until now. He wrinkled his nose, cringing as he thought of the many times Hirugami had seen him wear that funny-looking seagull nightcap throughout their boyhood. _These… look like they were made for a kid. Has it always been this way?_

His mind went back to Hirugami, remembering his friend’s “boring” monocolor, traditional pajamas that he never thought twice about before, and imagined them on current-day Hirugami. _He’s definitely grown taller than he was in high school… I bet he doesn’t even fit in those pajamas anymore._ Hoshiumi blushed angrily as he thought to himself, _Not to mention he’s definitely slept over at girls’ houses now that he’s in college! He probably wears those stupid sophisticated silk pajamas that girls would like. The ones that cost a million bucks! Like his brother does… Sachirou isn’t a boy anymore! He’s a full grown man!_

With that, Hoshiumi threw out his favorite seagull pajamas, cursing as he decided that he would sleep in his Schweiden Adlers sweatpants and shirt. _You’re not the only one with a grown up job, Sachirou! I’m living your childhood dream! The one you had before you decided it wasn’t for you!_ Hoshiumi said, pumping his fist. “Ha ha!” he said triumphantly, imagining Hirugami’s face as he saw his brother’s team logo on Hoshiumi’s back. “I’m going to wi-”

“Win what?”

Hoshiumi froze as he heard his mother’s disapproving voice. “Kourai, don’t tell me you’re back to competing with Sachirou after all of what’s happened,” Hoshiumi’s mom sighed, walking into his room. “You still haven’t outgrown that competitive streak, have you? Where are you going anyways? You’re not planning on running away are you?”

“Mom!” Hoshiumi said, jumping up in alarm. “How long have you been standing there? Can’t you knock first?”

“Kourai, the door’s wide open,” Hoshiumi’s mom said, rolling her eyes. “Why are the pajamas grandma made you on the floor? You know that would make her sad.”

“I know! I’m sorry!” Hoshiumi said, bending down to pick up and fold the pajamas. “I’m staying over at Sachirou’s house this weekend, that’s all.”

Hoshiumi’s mom gave a knowing smile. “So I take it you two made up? I’m glad to hear it! Nothing like rekindling the old flames of friendship while you’re back home,” she said bracingly, as her son flinched with embarrassment. “It’s like the good old times, right Kourai? When I used to have to pry you from Sachirou’s house with the help of his mom because you didn’t want the sleepovers to end.”

The young man started making a series of unintelligible noises much to his mother’s amusement. “Please! I’m 22 years old,” Hoshiumi said indignantly, “I’m not a kid anymore and neither is he… things between us are different.”

“Oh?” Hoshiumi’s mom arched an eyebrow as her son stood up with his hands on his hips and a strange expression.

“I am no longer a mere boy,” Hoshiumi said with the same inflection in his voice whenever he quoted his dad’s manga, “Sachirou and I are settling our differences as men. I am preparing myself for a battle of wills this weekend. I _will_ win.”

 _Was I this dumb when I was Kourai’s age? He has to get it from somewhere._ Hoshiumi’s mom gave a heavy sigh, wondering if it was worth repeating her words. “Kourai, don’t forget what I said before. Dating isn’t a competition, and Sachirou isn’t the one you’re competing against. Do what feels right.”

Hoshiumi pouted. “Mom, I told you play by play how that date went. The world _that_ girl Ueno Matsuri and Sachirou are from is completely different from the fairytale ideals of love! They don’t care what’s right and what’s wrong. They only care about… decisive victory over the other person. And I cannot back down from such a challenge!”

“Well Kourai, I hope that you get the _decisive victory_ that you’re looking for,” his mother said, trying her best not to facepalm. “You know… if you really love someone and they love you, those clothes in your bag wouldn’t even matter.”

Hoshiumi’s blush returned in full force. “Mom isn’t that a bit-”

“Kourai! That’s not what I meant. Get your mind out of the gutter!” his mom snapped, “I meant that if you’re in love with someone, you won’t even care what they’re wearing. It won’t even matter, because you just love them for who they are. I don’t even remember what your dad wore yesterday or the day before! I don’t even remember what I wear around your dad if I wear anything at all!”

 _Ew,_ thought Hoshiumi, feeling an urge to stick his tongue out but was too scared of his mother to even try. “Alright!” he said, “I know that, Mom. Being in love is way better than dating! I’ll have to experience it myself to know what you’re talking about.”

 _And that’s the true purpose of this weekend,_ Hoshiumi thought with a cunning smile. _I’m going to skip the dating part and jump straight into experiencing true love so that dating will come easier to me. It’s like learning a jump serve before a regular serve! You just gotta dive into the action and everything else will be easy by comparison!_

“Don’t rush into it,” Hoshiumi’s mom reminded, a stern look on her face. “Don’t bring just anyone home to meet the family or kiss a complete stranger. You need to love them Kourai, and they need to love you. Trust me, I’ll be able to tell so don’t think once about trying to fool your mom!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Hoshiumi said hastily. “You won’t be lonely when I’m gone this weekend, right?”

His mom answered with a scary laugh, and gave him a series of hard pats on the back. “Kourai, I have tons of friends and your dad around! I’m not some shut-in loner every time you leave! You don’t go underestimating your mother and her social skills! You forget your mom is pretty popular around these parts!” 

“Okay! You’ll be fine!” Hoshiumi protested, returning around to finish packing. His mom hovered over him, looking at the articles of clothing strewn around his room. She spotted an article of clothing she had never seen before.

“Kourai, what’s this?” his mom said, picking up the scarf he received from Hirugami.

“It’s a gift I got… from someone,” Hoshiumi said in a low voice. For some reason, admitting that he received it from Hirugami felt like violating a secret between the two. Even thinking about Hirugami wrapping the scarf around his neck felt like a moment that was too intimate to share. “A fan.”

“Seems like a pretty romantic gift from a fan!” Hoshiumi’s mom said, inspecting it. “Especially with this kind of expensive material. So soft! Kourai, do be careful around some of these fans of yours, there are some people out there that will do anything just to date an athlete! You’re famous after all! Ask Sachirou more about what his siblings had to put up with!”

“Huh?” the thought never crossed Hoshiumi’s mind. He just assumed that all fans of volleyball were there to appreciate the players and their talents. His mind flickered back to the most recent fan meetup, when girls swarmed around his teammate Ushijima Wakatoshi, bombarding him with presents and signs. _It’s probably because he got the most service aces that game,_ Hoshiumi believed at the time, stifling laughter as his awkward teammate was trying in vain to retreat back into the locker room. Now that his mother pointed it out, Hoshiumi realized it made sense. _They definitely aren’t drawn to his ability to flirt or his uh… sociable personality._

“Anyways,” Hoshiumi’s mom said, checking her watch. “I need to run some errands in the city today. Promise me you’ll think about what I said when you’re with Sachirou. And don’t forget that at the end of the day, you’re his best friend. Both of you have a special friendship that should last a lifetime. Love you, Kourai!”

“Love you too,” Hoshiumi said, letting his mother ruffle his hair on her way out. He stared back at the clothes on the ground, wondering why he would care how he looked to his best friend. He pondered over his mother’s words and gave a sigh. _Even though I can’t promise that I won’t treat Sachirou as competition, at least I’ll be able to say my first kiss isn’t with a stranger._

* * *

Hoshiumi arrived at Hirugami’s house in the late afternoon. Hoshiumi was the only non-member of the Hirugami family to have a key to their nice house, an honor that Hirugami said wasn’t even granted to his sister’s high school boyfriend. Upon opening the door, Hoshiumi heard a series of delighted barks and the pitter patter of paws bounding toward him. “Kotarou!” Hoshiumi said excitedly. “My real best friend!”

He kneeled down to receive a shower of dog kisses from his favorite Hirugami family member, who absolutely loved Hoshiumi. The two had a legendary friendship that would make even the Immovable Hirugami jealous, and she had missed him as he left to go play in V.League. “I brought you some presents too!” Hoshiumi said, taking out a bag of dog treats. “Where’s your master anyways?”

Hoshiumi checked his phone, only to see his screen covered with a series of texts from Hirugami. 

_Sorry. Someone’s cat needed an emergency operation so I’m going to be late. Not sure how long._

_Feel free to use the shower while you’re there. I just put some fresh towels in the bathroom. You can use anything you see in there._

_Just don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone._

_Let Kotarou out into the yard._

_Make yourself comfortable. My parents are still abroad visiting my sister._

_Don’t try to mix any of my hair products._

_Even if you do, it doesn't matter. I'll just buy more._

Hoshiumi set his bag down and texted Hirugami back. _I’ll help myself to everything in your bathroom AND steal your dog!!_ he typed, adding a series of thumbs ups after the message, while opening the sliding door to the yard for the dog. 

After an hour or so of playing fetch with Hirugami’s dog before the sun went down, Hoshiumi figured it would be a good time to shower. He fished a sweater out of his backpack and a change of pants, and walked into Hirugami’s bathroom, only to find himself face to face with Hirugami’s entire skincare and hair routine. It reminded him of a movie that he watched after the U19 camp that Miya Atsumu recommended him to watch, _Howl’s Moving Castle._ “Now I really want to mix everything together,” Hoshiumi said, ruefully, imagining Hirugami emerging from his bathroom in hysterics as he regressed to an uglier form. “He’s lucky that I’m not the type to sabotage an opponent.”

Meanwhile, Hirugami Sachirou was making his way home. He was deep in thought about the rescue operation he just performed less than an hour before. While all the other students panicked over the cat’s declining vitals, Hirugami was able to stay detached enough from the situation to think of what to do next and take critical actions to save his patient’s life. 

_Now let’s see how that detached mindset works against Kourai-kun,_ Hirugami said, thinking about the lesson that lay ahead of them. _Why am I more scared of teaching him how to kiss someone than performing surgery?_

Hirugami was still dressed in his scrubs and black arm covers, though he had a change of clothes in his bag. While he was still at school, Hirugami debated whether he should shower and dress before seeing Hoshiumi again, but remembered his promise to himself. _No more wasting my time on my appearance for someone that I’ve sworn off my feelings for. I’m just seeing Kourai-kun. I don’t need to be dressed up like I’m going on a date. He’s just a friend. That’s all he should ever be to me._

Seeing the lights on in his house, Hirugami took a deep breath before entering. Hoping that Hoshiumi didn’t trash the place out of spite of being left alone, he opened the door cautiously, hearing the comforting sound of Kotarou's barks. “I’m home!” Hirugami called out, closing the door behind him as his dog ran at him, jumping into Hirugami’s arms and showering him with licks.

Hirugami mused to himself that at least when it came to his dog, their feelings were mutual. He rubbed his dog’s sides with both of his hands enthusiastically, looking around for Hoshiumi. “Kourai-kun?” he called out, wondering where his friend had gone. “Kourai-kun!?”

The door to his bathroom opened up abruptly, as Hoshiumi emerged from the shower. “I heard you the first time!” Hoshiumi snapped, “Also are you aware you call out my name like I’m your pet or something? It pisses me off!”

Tired from a long day at school, Hirugami caught himself staring at Hoshiumi. Kourai’s physique had noticeably changed since their time at Kamomedai. With a stronger frame and broader shoulders, Hoshiumi’s youthful face seemed out of place on this manlier body. His arms were noticeably firm and muscular, and Hirugami’s eyes wandered over his torso, noticing a defined set of abdominal muscles that weren’t present during their high school years. Though Kourai was well-built, he was still lithe and not excessively bulky. Hirugami felt a hot surge through his body as he couldn’t help but admire his friend’s physical prowess.

Catching himself before Hoshiumi could, Hirugami cleared his throat. “You’re getting water on the floor, Kourai-kun. And can you please cover up a little? It makes me feel like you’re trying to show off.”

Turning the tides on Hoshiumi, Hirugami couldn’t help but chuckle as it was Hoshiumi’s turn to be embarrassed. “Excuse me?” Hoshiumi retorted, “You’re not the only one with a strong, muscular, and super tough body now! You’re looking at a professional athlete’s body, Sachirou!”

 _When you open your mouth, it makes the whole “getting over you” thing much easier,_ Hirugami noted, wearing a dry expression as Hoshiumi continued to laugh and jump up and down. “Can you please cover up and dry your hair?”

“Fine,” Hoshiumi said, turning around toward the bathroom when he suddenly jerked his head around to look at Hirugami. It was the first time he had ever seen his best friend wearing scrubs apart from pictures they’d send each other occasionally, and he couldn’t help but smile, knowing how hard his best friend had worked to get to vet school. “Oh Sachirou! You look amazingly cool!”

“Hm?”

Hoshiumi looked his friend up and down, wearing a huge grin. “I think this is my favorite outfit of yours. It looks good on you,” he exclaimed with a thumbs up, “Keep wearing those scrubs with pride!”

 _There he goes again,_ Hirugami thought bitterly. _Reeling me in when I think I’m on my way out._ “Thanks Kourai-kun,” he responded, casting the bitterness aside and accepting the compliment. “Now get dressed so we can start on what you’re here for today.”

As Hoshiumi retreated back into the bathroom, Hirugami picked up a volleyball scoreboard lying off to the side and plopped it on the coffee table by the coach. Minutes after, Hoshiumi zoomed down the hallway and jumped to take the seat next to him, his eyes wide with anticipation.

“So,” Hoshiumi said, eagerly. “When do we start?”

“You’re sitting a bit close, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said in a matter-of-factly voice.

 _Huh?_ Hoshiumi said, scooting a bit further from Hirugami. Something felt strange between them again. Living in Nagano surrounded by the mountains, the Kamomedai team frequently visited hot springs as team outings and they had seen each other’s bodies before. Why was Hirugami making such a big deal about him covering up? Not to mention that at Nationals, they used to lean against each other as they napped on the bus and always slept next to each other on mats. _What’s gotten in Sachirou this time?_

“Before we start, I want to lay down some ground rules. First, I think it’d be easier for us to come up with names that we use when we’re in ‘pretend’ mode so none of us get confused,” Hirugami said, trying not to let his nerves get to them.

“Why would I ever get confused?” Hoshiumi said, raising an eyebrow. “I thought we made it clear to each other that we’re still going to be friends no matter what happens. Can I still use your name? Sachiko gives me bad memories… also I feel like it’d be weird if you called me anything else but ‘Kourai.’”

 _Of course it’s easy for you,_ Hirugami thought, clenching his jaw. _It’s easy for you because you’ve never had those kinds of feelings for me._

“‘Kourai-chan’ was too close the first time, remember how I messed up a little bit? We’re still playing a game after all,” Hirugami motioned at the scoreboard, “You decide what I call you when the game starts. What do you want to call me?”

“Sachirou,” Hoshiumi spoke without hesitation. “Using your real name doesn’t confuse me at all. As for my name my grandma used to call me ‘Kou-chan’ when I was little… does that work for you?”

Hirugami thought of the people he knew with similar names. There were many people whose names started with “Kou-”, figuring the name was unassuming enough. The more he distanced this game of pretend from Hoshiumi, the less pain he would feel in his heart. “Yeah, that works for me,” Hirugami said. “Also, this time, we’re going to up the stakes on my end. If I call you ‘Kourai-kun’ at any point in this lesson, you can take the set. How does that sound?”

“Okay…”

An awkward silence passed over them as they sat in the dim light of the Hirugami family’s living room, looking into each others’ eyes. Hirugami’s dog was sleeping off to the side in his giant bed and the sound of crickets could be heard outside. The familiar environment and darkness of the night added an element of calm for Kourai, compared to their other meetings in the daylight. They were facing each other, but Hirugami’s eyes seemed to dart away from Hoshiumi’s intense gaze. 

Hirugami broke the silence by clearing his throat. “So,” he said, folding his hands over his lap. “I was thinking that before you try kissing a real person on one of your dates or we start practicing, you should take some baby steps first. Can I see your hand?”

Hoshiumi cautiously stuck out a hand, almost like a dog being trained to “shake hands” with its paw and Hirugami took it in his. Despite coming straight out of a warm shower, Kourai’s hands were cold to the touch. His balled up fist felt so small in Hirugami’s large palm, and his stare bore into the side of Sachirou’s face. _It’s incredible that you’re such a capable blocker when your hands are so tiny,_ Hirugami remarked to himself.

He folded Kourai’s fingers until only two were sticking up and brought them to his lips. “See, Kou-chan?” Hirugami said in a teasing voice, lifting up Kourai’s hand. “When your index and third finger come together, they look like a pair of lips. This will be your practice partner for the evening. Do you want me to demonstrate?”

Hoshiumi grimaced, unnerved by the tone of voice Hirugami was using. _Does Sachirou forget I’m older than him sometimes?_ He looked at his own hand in Sachirou’s and felt the sides of his temple twitch in annoyance. It reminded him of their old volleyball days when he and Hirugami would compare hand sizes every week as they were going through growth spurts. _He’s definitely making fun of me right now! He’s going to watch me kiss my own hand over and over again, and laugh at me, just like when we were kids._

_But we’re not kids anymore._

“No,” Hoshiumi said, taking his hand out of Hirugami’s, much to the latter’s surprise. “I want a real demonstration. You told me you’d show me what people do when they’re in love right? I don’t want to waste time on learning how to crawl when I’m here to learn how to jump.”

Hoshiumi suddenly leaned over and took both of Hirugami’s hands in his, a movement that made Sachirou’s heart skip a beat. Even though Kourai was much smaller than him physically, his presence felt larger than Sachirou’s. “Hey,” Hoshiumi said, his eyes focused on Hirugami’s face. “Can you look at me right now?”

For a moment, Hirugami forgot that he was supposed to be the teacher, as he looked back into Kourai’s eyes, which were amber under the faint light in the room. “I want you to show me how you kiss someone that you love,” Hoshiumi said, intensely. “Just like you promised me you would back at the train station. What does it take for you to see me as an equal here?”

The words slipped out of Hoshiumi’s mouth before he could think them over, but reflected his honest feelings toward the situation with Sachirou. As Hirugami guided him through the intricacies of relationships and attraction, Hoshiumi couldn’t shake the feeling that his friend no longer saw him as an equal. It was an insecurity that only grew during Hoshiumi’s ill-fated date with Ueno, who had pointed out that Hirugami seemed to see Hoshiumi as a “younger brother” he had to “protect” from the dating world. It reminded him of the story of “Peter Pan” that his mother would read to him and Akitomo at bedtime when they were children, of a boy who never grew up who fell in love with a girl who would. Hirugami was becoming a man in front of him, and Hoshiumi felt as if he was being left behind.

“Are you asking me to steal your first kiss, Kou-chan?” Hirugami said with a wry smile, feeling like a rabbit trying to outsmart an eagle. “Don’t you want to save it for someone more worthy than a sleazy flirt like me? I thought you wanted to save your first kiss for someone special.”

“Isn’t this just practice for the real thing in the future?” Hoshiumi replied, without missing a beat. “Besides, all I promised my mom was that the first person I kiss is someone who’s special to me, that I’ll want to remember many years down the line. Who else is more special to me than my best friend?”

Hirugami gave a defeated sigh, resigning himself to facing his fears head on. _What makes this kiss different from the hundreds of kisses I’ve had before, with girls that I barely remember? All of those kisses had no deeper meaning behind them, just social transactions that didn’t bear the weight of being in love. Here he is, right in front of me as a friend and nothing more, just asking me to do an action that comes so natural to me, that I have no excuse to avoid it._ Hirugami thought to himself. 

“Let’s do this standing up,” Hirugami said, getting up from the couch. “I’ll go first and show you how it’s done, okay? Close your eyes.”

Satisfied that Hirugami was finally treating him as an equal, Hoshiumi obeyed. He stayed completely still as Hirugami cupped Hoshiumi’s face in his hand, his thumb resting on Kourai’s bottom lip. Hirugami stopped to marvel at how small Kourai’s face was in his hand, and how beautiful his eyes were even when they were closed. It almost looked like Hoshiumi was sleeping tanuki, a sight that tore at Hirugami’s heartstrings. "Kou, are you sure?" Hirugami asked, his own heart pounding.

_Kourai-kun, why does it feel like once I kiss you, we're never going back? I feel like I’m in control of myself and yet, I feel like all that control I’ve built up might fall away._

"Go ahead," Hoshiumi said softly. "Sachirou."

"Okay. No blocking me out, Kou-chan," Hirugami whispered into Hoshiumi's ear, sliding his hands down Hoshiumi's shoulders to tightly grab his wrists, to which Hoshiumi let out a gasp. Hirugami’s grip was as tight as iron shackles, closing around Kourai’s unsteady wrists. _I have to block you out. This is the ultimate test of my feelings. If I can do this with you, and control myself, then I can get rid of the part of me I hate the most._

_The part of me that wants you so much, that I was willing to break our friendship over it._

He could feel Kourai's fast heartbeat against his own hand, a tempo that his mind latched on for reference. _It’s just like a read block. I have to raise my guard at the right time, and make sure I don’t let anything through. Three… two… one…_

 _Block_.

As their lips came together, Hoshiumi felt his chest flood with warmth. If Sachirou wasn't holding down his wrists so tightly, he had the impulse to draw him closer to him. Feeling Hirugami’s lips work against his, Hoshiumi started finding it hard to balance as all he could think about was the movement of Sachirou’s mouth. _Damn it_ , Hoshiumi thought, feeling his mind slipping from his grasp with every passing. Hirugami was such a good kisser that Hoshiumi forgot to move his own lips and stayed frozen in place.

The kiss started as soon as it ended, with Hirugami’s hands slacking around Hoshiumi’s wrists as he drew away. Hoshiumi opened his eyes, coming face to face with Hirugami’s wide brown eyes. There was a strange look in Hirugami’s eyes, his brown eyes seemed to stare past Kourai and had a glazed look to them. “Oi…” Hoshiumi said, his heart dropping, “You didn’t have your eyes open the whole time did you?” _Why is he looking past me? Is he thinking of something else? Someone?_

Hirugami looked down at Hoshiumi, watching the blush fade from his friend’s face. Hoshiumi seemed to be searching for a change in Hirugami’s expression, his eyes reflecting disappointment as Hirugami was still immovable. _He knows._ Hirugami thought, feeling nauseous. _He knows that I blocked him._

“I had to see what you were doing as it was happening,” Hirugami said, his voice heavy with guilt. He closed his eyes and gave a wan smile. “It’s a lesson, after all.”

Not getting the response from Hirugami that he desired, Hoshiumi started to feel anxious. “How’d I do then?” Hoshiumi asked, making a face. “I could have done more with my lips, huh? Compared to all the people you’ve kissed before who are more experienced, that probably felt pretty weak. Nothing special.”

Hoshiumi seemed disappointed, making Hirugami regret his choice of words. _I can’t let him know._ “No one starts off an expert kisser,” Hirugami said, reassuringly. “Actually Kourai-kun, that kiss was just fine.”

“Just fine?” Hoshiumi asked, his voice flat. “Then-”

Before Hirugami could react, Hoshiumi grabbed the front of Hirugami’s scrubs and pulled him into a passionate kiss. _I want to give you a kiss that’ll make you forget everything around you._

Hirugami’s heart jolted as he felt the full force of Kourai’s body pressing into him, forcing him to yield as he fell back gently into the couch behind him. Hoshiumi moved onto his lap as he continued the kiss, his hands working their way through Hirugami’s soft brown hair, pulling him closer as his grip got tighter. Hirugami couldn’t help but gasp as he felt Hoshiumi’s teeth clash against his, as Kourai’s hands pulled at his hair. _Don’t run from me,_ Hoshiumi thought, feeling Sachirou’s eyelashes against his. _This kiss is mine._

Hirugami Sachirou had years of experience dealing with matters out of his control. Taking control in the midst of chaos was second nature to him, as he spent his life fencing in enemy spikers as a middle blocker and wrangling bewildered animals as a veterinary student and shelter volunteer. However, for the first time, Hirugami Sachirou felt as if he was dealing with an uncontrollable force. His mind went into a blur as he felt Hoshiumi gently bite his bottom lip, feeling a mixture of desire and fear, wanting nothing more but to emerge on top with this exchange he had with Hoshiumi. As Hirugami’s hands on Kourai’s hips gravitated up his shirt, Hoshiumi felt a shiver run down his spine from his touch and broke off the kiss prematurely. “Sachirou! What are you doing?”

Coming back up to the surface, Hirugami jerked away from Hoshiumi immediately, wiping his mouth on his sleeves. Everything became clearer by the second the moment his hands were off Hoshiumi, his control over himself returning. “Kourai-kun!” he said loudly, “D-don’t kiss anyone like that on a first date unless you’re asking for trouble! Where did you learn things like that anyways?”

Satisfied with Hirugami’s reaction, Hoshiumi gave a triumphant smile as he realized he managed to fluster the Immovable Hirugami with a kiss alone. “You called me Kourai-kun,” Hoshiumi said, moving toward the scorecards. “I take this set, don’t I? Also while you were studying all day in school, I couldn’t let you show me up! I did some research on my own and practiced those hand kisses you tried to show me thousands of times.”

 _Kourai-kun, you bastard,_ Hirugami thought, feeling like a fool as Hoshiumi had a smug look on his face. _He knew exactly what he was doing._ Something about that kiss reignited a competitive spark in Hirugami, reminding him he was still many kisses away from being able to close his heart from Hoshiumi forever.

“Let’s keep going, Kou,” Hirugami said, moving closer to Hoshiumi again with a more determined stance. “I gave you that first set way too easily.”

Drawing Hoshiumi close to him again, with his hand gently pressed against the white-haired boy’s jawline, Hirugami bit his own lip as he collected himself and resumed full control over his mind and body. _I’m going to keep kissing you all night until my heart is numb. Sorry Kourai-kun. It seems like I have to be selfish again for the sake of our friendship._

As Hoshiumi let Sachirou take the lead again, he closed his eyes, anticipating the next kiss of many as Hirugami leaned in closer to him. Making contact for the third time, Hoshiumi couldn’t ignore a feeling that was building up within him. Every time he kissed Sachirou, he felt his chest ache, an uncomfortable sensation he had never experienced before. 

Hoshiumi wondered to himself, _Are kisses supposed to hurt?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still cannot believe we got Hirugami Sachirou's character sheet... I searched the depths of the internet for samples of his seiyu and there are times when his characters speak that I can hear Hirugami. It's so EXCITING TO THINK ABOUT THIS WEEK! Hoshiumi and Hirugami stans we MOVE. Also hope everyone is staying safe and healthy in these times!! I'M SO EXCITED FOR EPISODE 12 FEEL FREE TO YELL ABOUT IT WITH ME, I LOVE OUR BOY HOSHIUMI SO MUCH!!!
> 
> Writing this kissing lesson was a huge block for me, but I hope that I was able to do it justice. It hurt to write... also Hoshiumi's mom is back for everyone who loves her!! (I love her...) Thank you to Jun for beta reading this really challenging and dense chapter, and I'd like to thank XD79's art, the Hirugami character sheet, Nix and Rin's encouragement, and MARS FOR GIVING ME THE IDEA OF KOURAI BEING A PASSIONATE KISSER the momentum it took to get this chapter out. I'm so bad at writing romantic scenes I literally start blushing and need to stand up and walk around believe it or not. I hope that you all enjoy this week's update and look forward to the next, and don't worry-- this fanfic is probably not going to end for a whiiiile.


	8. Reminiscences

**_Nine Years Ago_ **

Standing outside the door of the Hoshiumi residence, a tall boy dressed in his full volleyball uniform gripped the strap of his volleyball bag. His brown hair was freshly shaven down to a buzz and his rigid posture was as straight as an arrow. Based on his grave expression alone, it looked as if he was headed to a funeral, rather than a playdate. Hirugami Sachirou took a deep breath before raising his fist to the door to knock. It was the first time that he had ever been personally invited to a friend’s house for matters outside of volleyball.

However, just to be safe, Sachirou still brought a volleyball with him. He couldn’t imagine that anyone would just invite him over to just sit and talk. Even when his family had gatherings, the main event would be the Hirugami Family Reunion Volleyball Match, a game with players straight out of V.League and college-level talents. _I wonder what Hoshiumi-san wants to learn today_ , Hirugami thought to himself, _I hope he doesn’t want me to teach him receives again… I’m not so good at those._

The door opened, and Hirugami came face to face with a short woman about his height, who resembled Hoshiumi greatly. She had the same lined, wide eyes, except her starlight hair was tied up into a ponytail. “Hello! You must be the famous Sachirou-kun!” she said, brightly. “Kourai’s been talking about you non-stop! You’re that ‘super awesome middle blocker’ on the starting team at Yurichu! Heck, I’ve been to your games. You’re definitely taller up close. You got tall parents?”

 _She’s just as exuberant as Hoshiumi-san. His mom? His sister?_ Hirugami’s eyebrows were knitted together in confusion as Hoshiumi’s relative inspected him. _How do I address her? Should I ask? No, that’s rude…_

“T-thank you for having me over,” Hirugami blurted out, bowing suddenly. “M-my name is Hirugami Sachirou, and it is an honor to meet my teammate’s family. Hoshiumi-san is a very hard worker! Sorry for not introducing myself earlier.”

Her eyebrows shot up in response to Hirugami’s gesture, noticing that he was already on edge. “Please! Don’t worry about that at all, Sachirou-kun! I’m just happy to see Kourai make friends at volleyball. Don’t tell him, I told you this, but he doesn’t have many friends over. Believe it or not, but it’s really hard for him to find people he gets along with!”

The past month, she had listened to Kourai talk endlessly about a teammate that he was especially worried about. While other teammates would go home after practice, this "big, strong guy" Hirugami would stay behind and practice serves endlessly at the gym. At first, Hoshiumi expressed annoyance over Hirugami dirtying the floor he just finished mopping. He complained that Hirugami would ignore all the towels, refilled water bottles, and warnings about practicing on a wet floor.

However, that annoyance quickly became concern as Hoshiumi would watch Hirugami continue at his strenuous training regiments like a robot. Sometimes, he would see Hirugami rip the tape off his hands and return back onto the court, his hands bare as he caught the enemy’s spikes. It was as if he considered any minute “not playing volleyball” as a waste of time, even if it was at the expense of his health. When attending their games, Hoshiumi’s mom would notice it too-- while their teammates would go out to eat together after matches, Hirugami would pack up and return home alone. No one seemed to say anything about it, except Kourai who would wonder where Hirugami went.

_“Kourai, why don’t you talk to him?”_

_“I don’t think he even knows my name. Besides, every time I try to talk to him, he doesn’t even seem to notice I’m there!”_

One day, Kourai came home late, looking as if he was on the verge of tears. Hoshiumi’s mom remembered comforting her son, who was upset over something that he saw. He explained that after a loss, he caught Hirugami Sachirou scraping his hand against a wall hard enough to draw blood. 

_“You should’ve seen him, Mom. He looked like a lost dog. I couldn’t just stand there and watch him do that to himself. I just don’t know if I said the right thing. I didn’t know what to say, so I told him he should quit. What if he quits volleyball forever?”_

_“It will be okay, Kourai. At the end of the day, it’s up to Sachirou-kun if he quits volleyball or not. You just saw someone who was hurt and acted out of concern. I’m proud of you, son! It takes strength to just walk up to someone in need and talk them out of hurting themselves. I’m sorry you had to see that, but if I was Sachirou-kun, I would be very thankful.”_

_“Yeah… but I barely know the guy.”_

As Hoshiumi’s mom was recalling everything Kourai had told her about Hirugami the past month, she heard light footsteps coming down the stairs, with a loud _thud_ as Hoshiumi jumped from the last five stairs. “Hirugami Sachirou!” Hoshiumi yelled excitedly. “You’re here! I thought I heard you from the bathroom!”

“Kourai!” his mother snapped, “What did I tell you about jumping off the stairs! It’s bad for the floor, and it’s bad for you! Anyways boys, I’m going to go make some lunch for all of us. Feel free to make yourselves comfortable.”

“Thanks Mom,” Hoshiumi said in a low voice, running a hand through his hair. He started to inspect Hirugami up and down, making a face before turning around to point at Sachirou. “Hey! Why do you look all dressed for practice? You look kind of silly!”

“Kourai, it’s rude to point and talk about someone’s appearance!”

Hoshiumi scowled, muttering something under his breath about feeling “attacked in the comfort of his own home” as Hirugami wondered if he was overdressed for the occasion. “Are we not playing volleyball today?” Hirugami said, confused.

Hoshiumi looked equally confused. “Does it look like I have a volleyball court at my house? I mean, we have a yard, but… aren’t you tired of volleyball?”

“Tired… of volleyball?” Hirugami repeated Hoshiumi’s words. Despite not being a starter, Hoshiumi seemed even more invested in the sport than Sachirou came to realize he was. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

“Well, I could play volleyball all day, but even I take breaks here and there. Just like everyone else, if you do something too much, it stops becoming fun,” Hoshiumi began, before realizing that Hirugami, of all people, would know. _Oh man, he probably thinks I’m preaching to him again or being smug_. “Not that you don’t know that already! I was just talking about it in general!”

“Oh,” Hirugami nodded. “I understand.”

Hoshiumi took a deep breath. After their encounter in front of the stone wall at school, he could not help but worry if his words came across a bit too strong.

Though he was a member of Squad 2 and never had a chance to get on the court unless he had ball boy duties to attend to, Hoshiumi never gave up hope that someday he would be able to play. By building up good rapport with the team, Hoshiumi hoped that at Nationals he would finally have some precious court time. However, like Hirugami, Hoshiumi didn’t have any close friends on the team as his personality made it difficult for him to befriend others. His presence and zealousness toward volleyball made members of the starting team wary of the looming threat of him replacing any of them, while his fellow Squad 2 members tired of his antics.

“So,” Hoshiumi said, motioning for Hirugami to follow him into the living. “Do you play video games?”

“Video games? What do you mean?” Hirugami asked, as Hoshiumi shot him a look of disbelief.

“You don’t know what video games are? What about movies? Got any favorite movies?” Hoshiumi pressed on, leaning in a bit too close for comfort.

“Netherlands versus Italy at the 1996 Olympic Finals?”

“That’s not a movie!” Hoshiumi snapped, “And I thought _I_ was the bigger volleyball idiot of the two of us!”

_Volleyball idiot? Is he mad?_

As they entered the living room, Hoshiumi ran toward the shelf, selecting DVDs of movies while Hirugami looked around. It really felt strange to be in a house outside his own, let alone a teammate’s. Before, he used to believe that making friends in volleyball was a waste of time-- in the end, they were just people to compete with for time on the court. 

“Which one do you want to watch?” Hoshiumi said, fanning out the DVDs. “Your pick, since you’re my guest!”

Hirugami glanced at the array of covers in front of him. He blushed in embarrassment seeing one with a man and woman passionately kissing each other, getting unpleasant memories of walking in on his older siblings with their significant others. There was one that looked like a superhero movie, but it was a sequel and Hirugami hadn’t watched the first movie. His eyes fell on a DVD cover with a fluffy Akita puppy on it, feeling his interest peak. Hirugami was fond of dogs, and his own dog was an Akita. “This one,” Hirugami muttered, pointing at the dog. “It looks… cute.”

Hoshiumi’s eyes popped out hearing the normally stoic Hirugami mutter the word cute. “Hachiko Monogatari?” Hoshiumi said in shock. “You want to watch _Hachiko_ over _Kamen Rider: The Next_? What are you, an old man?”

Hirugami felt his usually non-existent temper flare for a second. _What are you, rude?_ “I like dogs,” he said defensively. _Maybe even more than volleyball._

Hoshiumi’s face softed, into a smirk. “Ha ha!” he declared, “So there are other things that you like outside of volleyball! Well, I like dogs too. Let’s watch it then. My mom said this movie is super sad. Whoever cries first, loses!”

 _Of course Hoshiumi-san could turn something like watching a movie into a competition,_ Hirugami thought to himself, remembering how Hoshiumi recently started trying to join in on his lonely serving practices.

Hoshiumi set up the television, while sitting on his knees. “Hey, Hirugami! I’m used to sitting on the floor, but you can sit up there” Hoshiumi said, motioning at the couch. “Usually my big brother Akitomo sits up there. It’s more comfortable, so I’ve heard, but I’ve been on this floor so long that I’m used to it.”

“You’re a little brother too?” Hirugami said, finding some comfort that he and Hoshiumi had something in common.

“Tell me about it,” Hoshiumi said, annoyed, as he scrambled away from the TV and back to his normal spot on the living room floor. “Akitomo has a basketball game today, but I bet if he was over, he’d be all up in our faces. Usually people I invite over think he’s cooler than me.”

As the youngest brother to two well-known volleyball players who were primed to enter the pro-circuit, Hirugami couldn’t help but relate. In fact, most of the attention Hirugami would receive outside of middle school volleyball would be focused on his family. “Me too,” Hirugami replied quietly, taking a seat on the couch. “Well, I don’t really have friends, but whenever people talk to me they’re always asking about my sister or Fukuro-nii-san. Or my parents. I think the only one who likes me the most is my dog, Kotarou."

Hoshiumi looked back with a smile. “I want to meet your dog someday, Hirugami! I love animals!”

Hirugami gave a small smile back. “He's not so great with strangers..."

"Neither am I!" piped Hoshiumi without hesitation.

"Well then, maybe you'll get along over time then," Hirugami chuckled, admiring Hoshiumi's pluckiness. "Kotarou doesn't really like my sister's annoying boyfriend, which is convenient."

“You know, I’m glad Akitomo doesn’t have a girlfriend! I think that’d be gross!” Hoshiumi made a small “eugh” noise before hitting the play button on the remote.

 _Hachiko Monogatari_ proved to be the sad movie that Hoshiumi’s mom warned it would be. Even Hoshiumi had abandoned his normal pose on the floor to assume a fetal position, when Hachiko’s owner passed away. With snot dripping out of his nose by the time the credits ran, Hoshiumi thought about how beautiful it would be to ever wait for someone for so long without knowing they’d return.

“So, what’d you think of the movie?” Hoshiumi said. He turned around to look at the tall boy sitting on the couch, expecting the same concentrated look that Hirugami usually gave whenever he was focused. 

He was surprised to see Hirugami Sachirou, the Immovable, staring back at him with tears in his eyes. Holding back sniffles, the usually reserved middle blocker had tears streaming down his eyes as the ending credits rolled. “Oi! Hirugami, are you okay?” Hoshiumi said, alarmed as he stood over Hirugami, staring down the top of his shaved head. “I’ll get you some tissues.”

Hoshiumi sprang to action as Hirugami suddenly felt embarrassed, realizing this was already the second time Kourai had seen him cry. The white-haired boy returned with a box of tissues, holding them out as an offering. “You cry a lot, don’t you,” Hoshiumi said bluntly, watching Hirugami wipe his face down.

“Not usually,” Hirugami choked out.

Hoshiumi’s eyebrows narrowed as he looked back at the screen. “Must’ve really hated the movie, huh? I thought it was pretty good. My parents love _Hachiko Monogatari._ Akitomo thinks it’s pretty boring. Well, there were times I wished there was more action, but-”

“I…” Hirugami started, his voice muffled by the tissues. “I liked the movie a lot, Hoshiumi-san. It just reminded me of my dog. I was just thinking about if something ever happened to me, I wouldn’t want him to wait like that.”

An intense expression came over Hoshiumi’s face as he loomed over Hirugami. “Hey! Don’t talk like that! Nothing’s going to happen to you. You’re strong, young, and healthy. Also if anything happens to your dog,” Hoshiumi said, pointing at himself. “You can count on me to look after him. I don’t know a thing about owning a dog, but as your friend, I will do what it takes to learn what I must!”

Hirugami’s face immediately started getting warmer at Hoshiumi’s dramatic proclamation, which felt far too close to come from just an acquaintance. “Friend?” Hirugami said, his brown eyes like perfectly round marbles.

“Yeah,” Hoshiumi said, as if it was the most obvious label in the world. “You’re my friend Hirugami! Speaking of which, I was thinking, Hirugami’s pretty formal isn’t it? That’s what everyone calls your brother, too. I was thinking about your name… Sachirou. It’s really nice. Can I call you that?”

Hirugami blushed at Hoshiumi’s straightforward compliment. He never thought of “Sachirou” being a name that anyone would consider “nice.” It was a name that complimented his brother Fukuro’s name, a part of a “lucky” whole. “Sure,” Hirugami said, thinking about Hoshiumi’s name. He had seen it written down in the roster, and thought to himself that those characters were quite pretty. _Starry Ocean. Incoming light. What a fitting name for such a bright person._

“Also you’re the only one on the team who calls me ‘Hoshiumi-san.’ I like my first name too!” Hoshiumi said, feeling proud of the name that his mother chose for him. “Call me Kourai!”

“Kourai…” Hirugami said, giving a genuine smile as a mischievous thought crossed his mind. _He did say I was like an old man..._ “Kourai-kun.”

* * *

**_Present Day_ **

_I thought I knew him._

Two hours ago, Hoshiumi woke up in the early hours of the morning to find himself alone in Hirugami’s house. He shoved aside the thick blankets over his makeshift sofa bed, looking frantically for his friend, only to find Kotarou napping away on Sachirou’s bed. _He didn’t take Kotarou with him,_ Hoshiumi said, feeling a sense of dread. _Did he just get up and leave? What did I do this time?_

Flooded with negative emotions, Hoshiumi’s energy levels took a sharp decline. Was it like Sachirou to be up doing errands this early? The Hirugami he knew never got up on weekends until noon… but did that Sachirou even exist anymore? Hoshiumi paced back and forth, agitated before he came to the conclusion that he had no idea what was on Hirugami’s mind anymore. He collapsed back onto the sofa, pressing his face against a pillow. “Sachirou,” he muttered, his voice muffled. “Where did you go? Did I do something wrong again?”

A part of Hoshiumi yearned to return to those halcyon days of their youth when everything was much simpler. Back when he and his best friend were practically telepathic and before Hirugami grew out his hair and grew into his strong, handsome frame. He missed when it felt like it was just two of them, taking on the volleyball world and life together as constant companions. _I can’t believe I’m saying this,_ Hoshiumi thought, ashamed of the thought. _But I miss when it was just the two of us, before Sachirou grew his stupid hair like that. When everything made sense and we weren’t surrounded by all these stupid people… and all these stupid concepts like relationships, dating, different types of people, public image, I could go on!_

The night before felt like a distant dream. They had practiced kissing into the late hours of the night, bringing out unfamiliar sensations in Kourai. The sequence of motions kept playing in Hoshiumi’s head, much to his displeasure. The feeling of running his hands through Sachirou’s impossibly short hair, softer and slower kisses, it was like Hoshiumi was getting tangled up in a spider’s web that Sachirou intricately laid out for him. He hated admitting to himself that it felt as good as it did, cursing Hirugami’s prowess at the activity. _Well, it felt good until the end for some reason,_ Hoshiumi thought, remembering that unpleasant hollow feeling in his chest. _Was I not breathing properly? Why’d it hurt?_

He sighed, remembering how toward the end, it looked like the usual gentle look in Sachirou’s eyes was replaced with a strange, hardened expression. It was strange, Hoshiumi felt that the more they kissed, the more distant they became. How did that even make sense? Though it was the most physically close he had ever been with another person, and yet...

 _Dammit_ , Hoshiumi thought, gripping his pillow with one hand. _Sachirou, why did you have to leave me like this. You could’ve said goodbye on your way out and I’d feel a lot better about this whole situation._

His face buried in his pillow, Hoshiumi was dramatically reliving last night’s events when he felt something lick his hand excitedly and let out a long whine. He opened a single eye to see Hirugami’s dog at his side, watching him with curiosity. He had been too engrossed in his own feelings to notice that he had woken up. “Kotarou, you old man,” Hoshiumi said, sitting upright on the couch to give him pets. “You’re probably wondering where Sachirou is now too, huh?”

Hoshiumi started to wonder about where dogs thought their owners went during the day, but scowled as he realized his own behavior was dog-like. _He praises me to get me to do things_ . _He picks me up when I’m misbehaving. He leaves without telling me where he’s going, and I get all worried for no reason._ Hoshiumi thought bitterly, _What does he think of me now? After all of that? This is just supposed to be a game of pretend… I shouldn’t be worrying or feeling all these things so why am I? Are we still friends?_

As Hoshiumi agonized over sorting the new emotions that were piling up inside of him, the front door opened. Hearing Kotarou bark excitedly and run toward the visitor, Hoshiumi flushed as he realized the answer to all of his questions had returned. Getting off the couch, Hoshiumi ran to the door to come face-to-face with the source of his worries.

Hirugami Sachirou.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, hope this chapter isn't coming in too late! If anyone wants to know what took me so long, I started an interactive "Hoshiumi Dating Sim" thread on @Hoshiumeme on Twitter (ok listen I never set off to run an RP account, I basically was using that account to screenshot things for a socmed AU since I didn't know how to do those, and then people started RPing with it so since then, I've just run with it) where you play as Hirugami Sachirou (who's lost his memory after being hit by a spike) and it's 100% comedy UNLIKE this fic so if you're interested in that here's a link: https://twitter.com/Hoshiumeme/status/1244148034398638080
> 
> Also, I decided to add a flashback to show how Hirugami and Hoshiumi became friends and how much has changed between them... something I love about their relationship is that back in middle school, both of them were so alone before they ultimately found each other, with Hoshiumi literally saving Hirugami's life and stopping him from his self-destructive habits. Hirugami really was this tall, awkward bald kid who was extremely intense about a sport before Hoshiumi came along, which is wild when you see how different he is in high school. Also if you really think about it this way from this chapter... Hirugami's first date was actually Kourai in this case XD Anyways, expect to see more of Hoshiumi's perspective for a while!
> 
> Also oh my god I cannot believe we got to see Hirugami animated. His voice is PERFECT for him and also I can't stop rewatching all of Hoshiumi's scenes. Hoshiumi is my favorite Haikyuu!! character and I LOVED the animation + VA work for him, Natsuki Hanae is such a legend. Feel free to get excited in the comments with me over that because I can't stop watching Episode 12.
> 
> Thank you for @kouraing for looking over this draft! You're the best!!


	9. Hearts In Our Hands

Standing in front of the doorway with balled up fists, Hoshiumi stared down Hirugami Sachirou, who was plainly dressed in an athletic t-shirt and shorts. Setting down his grocery bags, Hirugami cocked an eyebrow as he noticed Hoshiumi was glaring at him intently. “Oh, Kourai-kun? Good morning,” he said, while taking off his shoes. “Did you sleep well?”

Hoshiumi’s eyes twitched in annoyance. He scanned Hirugami with an angry glance, processing pieces of visual information in his head rapidly. _Is he really going to pretend nothing happened? Does he not know how WRONG it was of him to leave me home alone after a night like that? Why is he wearing athletic clothes? Did he go out to play volleyball without inviting me? Did he go jogging? No, he would’ve brought Kotarou if it was just jogging. Was he meeting with someone else and didn’t feel like telling me? Don’t tell me he’s coming back from a date… that bastard! Some friend he is!_ As he was deep in thought, Hoshiumi’s body began to tremble like an angered dog about to strike.

“Kourai-kun?” Hirugami repeated, feeling sweat drip down his brow. It had been a while since he dealt with Hoshiumi’s silent anger. The only thing worse than Hoshiumi’s outbursts was whenever he went dangerously silent. Whenever Kourai was quiet and actually thinking, he became completely unreadable, even to Sachirou. 

Hoshiumi didn’t answer and instead, turned his back on Hirugami. _If he really is still my best friend, he’d know what I was thinking!_ Hoshiumi thought, crossing his arms and walking away as Hirugami followed him. “Kourai-kun, did something happen when I was gone?” Hirugami said, wondering if Hoshiumi had seen something that pissed him off in the time Sachirou was gone. He reached to put a hand on Hoshiumi’s shoulder before Hoshiumi turned around and swatted it away.

“‘Fess up,” Hoshiumi snapped, straightening his back as he faced Hirugami without blinking an eye. “Where were you? Why did you leave me alone?”

 _Don’t tell me he’s mad over waking up after me…_ Hirugami let out a small chuckle in an attempt to lighten up the mood. “You’re acting like a jealous boyfriend, Kou,” Hirugami mused, figuring it was best to diffuse his friend like old times. “Be careful with that, some girls like it, but most people like freedom. Would a kiss make it better?”

The hair on the back of Hoshiumi’s neck stood up at the casual suggestion. “I’m _not_ pretending right now!” he said angrily, “Where were you? You could’ve woken me up or texted me on your way out! I was worried!”

“Worried?” Hirugami raised his eyebrows. “Of what?”

Hoshiumi let out a disparaging noise at Hirugami’s response. The oblivious look on Sachirou’s face made his stomach turn with anger for reasons he couldn’t explain. Hirugami was acting as if absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happened between them, and his tone of voice was aggravatingly detached. He wanted to grab Sachirou and throw all the questions in his mind at him, but struggled to find the words to say. 

Admitting that the kissing lesson left him disoriented felt like admitting defeat before a confident, smug opponent. It meant that in the game of love, Hoshiumi was no different from the countless girls that fell for Heartbreaker Hirugami’s antics; an idea that went against Hoshiumi’s fundamental belief of being lost in a crowd. Not to mention that they were operating in the constraints of a mutually agreed upon game, one that Hoshiumi was confident about following through with after he and Hirugami renewed their vows of friendship and trust. The returning sense of distrust Hoshiumi was feeling toward Sachirou felt like invalidating that sacred promise they made to each other.

Besides, kissing Sachirou was supposed to feel good, Hoshiumi noted bitterly. Hirugami had way more practice than he did, knew the right approach when it came to touching and curating an ideal experience, and was simply playing the role that Hoshiumi asked him to play. Before answering Hirugami’s question, Hoshiumi clenched his fist as he thought to himself, _When was talking to my own best friend so difficult?_

“Nothing! I’m not worried about anything,” Hoshiumi snapped, feeling the ball roll back on his side of the court. “Just wondered why you didn’t invite me to wherever you were going, that’s all.”

Hoshiumi turned his back on Hirugami again, who let out a heavy sigh. He figured that it had been a while since Hoshiumi went into one of his ‘moods.’ He forgot that one of Hoshiumi’s pet peeves was the feeling of being left out, which translated to Kourai as “you’re not important enough to remember.”

“Kourai-kun, I didn’t want to wake you up on my way out,” Hirugami said, massaging his temples. “I don’t know if I told you again, but I’ve been playing volleyball again for fun, on a community team. Actually, I’m pretty sure I told you that-”

“You what?” Hoshiumi turned around so fast that it made Hirugami dizzy watching him. “Volleyball? You play again? Why didn’t you ask me to join, huh?”

 _He can’t be serious._ Hirugami sighed. “You’re a professional volleyball player now for the best volleyball Division 1 team in Japan, and everyone in the community league just plays for fun. You’d probably wipe the floor with all of us. Not that I’d let myself get shone up by _the_ Hoshiumi Kourai from the Schweiden Adlers, but you’d steal the spotlight without meaning to. Is that what you want to hear?”

Even though Hirugami was complimenting him, Hoshiumi still didn’t feel pleased and pressed on. “How long has this been going on? Since when did you start playing volleyball for fun again?”

Hirugami ran a hand through his hair, feeling a twinge of annoyance. _I remember every single thing Kourai-kun tells me, and he can’t be bothered to pay attention to things that I say sometimes._ “I’ve definitely mentioned it to you, Kourai-kun, but I think it went over your head. I’ve been doing this for a while actually. I decided I didn’t hate volleyball after all and just wanted to play it on my terms,” Hirugami said steadily. “We have practice early in the morning because some members have work later in the day.”

Hoshiumi searched his memory, before realizing that he didn’t remember much of what Hirugami told him about his daily life in the time they were apart. His ears burned hot as he started to feel ashamed. “I’m sorry,” Hoshiumi blurted out. “You’re right. You probably told me, but I forgot. I was probably too caught up with everything on V.League and the team…”

Hirugami gave a small smile. _It’s fine, Kourai-kun. I’m used to it by now. It’s me who shouldn’t get my hopes up any more._ “As you probably should be. Volleyball is your career after all. You don’t need to waste time thinking about what your childhood friend from high school is up to. Use that brain of yours on the court,” he said, tapping the side of his head. “I’m just grateful you still want to spend time with me, honestly. Oh-”

Hirugami kneeled down to search for something in his grocery bag as Hoshiumi watched over him, withdrawing a bag of chips. “I saw they had these on sale,” Hirugami said, pulling out a bag of Kappa Ebisen Ume Flavor chips and rustling them. “They’re your favorite right?”

Hoshiumi’s eyes grew as big as dinner plates as he grabbed the bag from Hirugami, recognizing the bright pink packaging anywhere. Hirugami couldn’t help but smile seeing the look in Kourai’s eyes. Surprising Hoshiumi never got old for Hirugami, as the young man was always so infectiously expressive. “Sachirou!” Hoshiumi said, momentarily forgetting that he was upset as he eyed his favorite snack food of all time. “You remembered! You even got the right flavor! Can I eat them now? I’m starving!”

“Sure,” Hirugami said, grimacing as he remembered his brother Fukuro’s words. _“Sachirou!”_ the elder Hirugami had said, _“You spoil Kourai way too much! Don’t forget who has to fill those big shoes of yours when the Adlers are on the road.”_

 _Sorry Fukuro-nii-san,_ thought Hirugami as he watched Hoshiumi munch down on handfuls of his favorite shrimp crackers. _I’ll be sure to buy some more of these to give to you before the season starts again._

“Captain Hirugami tries to bribe me with Kappa Ebisen during practices,” Hoshiumi said with glee, “But he always gets the wrong flavors. There’s nothing as refreshing as the light taste of tangy umeboshi with the savory, light crispness that is Kappa Ebisen. You can’t just eat one! Don’t you agree, Sachirou?”

“Uh-huh,” Hirugami said, sensing the beginning of a rant. “Oh, I have some good news for you. I think I figured out who your next date is going to be.”

Hoshiumi almost spat out his handful of chips. “Another one?” he said in disbelief. “It’s been _two days_ since the last one!”

“And you’ve made a lot of improvement since then,” Hirugami said with an encouraging smile. “Besides, we only have a little more than a week and a half before you go back to the Schweiden Adlers. You’re still interested in these dating lessons, right?”

 _Has it really been a week already!?_ Hoshiumi said, his mind racing. It felt as if the time he spent with Sachirou was much longer than just a week. “Wait, it’s still just Saturday,” Hoshiumi said, wishing time would slow down. “I have a week and a day left. That’s plenty of time, right?”

“Depends on what kind of relationship you want,” Hirugami said, taking a seat on the couch. His legs were still tired from exercising. “Some people get married after knowing each other for a week, like a ‘whirlwind romance.’ Some take years before falling in love. It’s all about tempo, though if you try to make a move like the second time you kissed me, that might speed up things a bit.”

“Hey!” Hoshiumi blurted out, clenching his fist so suddenly that he crushed some of his chips. “How can you say that so casually!? You’re way too blunt about this!”

Hirugami frowned. “I’m just analyzing the situation at hand, Kourai-kun. What I’m saying is we don’t have much time left. Unless you want to quit, of course.”

With those words, Hoshiumi found himself despairing. _Did he really have to word it like that? Quitting? He knows that I never back down from a challenge…_ Hoshiumi said, while a series of groans involuntarily left his mouth. It felt wrong to quit at a point like this, after everything he had gone through the past six days. “No!” Hoshiumi snapped. “Of course I’m not thinking of quitting, are you? Tell me more about this girl.”

Hoshiumi took a seat next to Hirugami, as his friend seemed to be pulling up the girl’s social media profiles. “Her name is Yamashita Rina. She’s a third year vet student, just a year below me,” Hirugami said, showing Hoshiumi pictures of a professional looking girl with a middle-part. “In terms of personality, I’d say she’s the complete opposite of Ueno Matsuri. She’s pretty shy, and is a hard working and honest student. Do you think she’s pretty?”

Hoshiumi stared at the pictures, unable to draw an opinion. _I could be looking at my future wife or something, and I’m just drawing blanks. What even makes someone pretty?_ Hoshiumi thought to himself, wondering if he was thinking too hard. “I don’t know her well enough yet,” Hoshiumi said. “I mean, the last girl was pretty, but I don’t think… I’d ever want to see her again if I have to be honest with you. So I don’t know. Do you think she is?”

“Hmm,” Hirugami said, “I guess she’s pretty cute. I mostly see her at school, so we’re always dressed in scrubs and masks. We had the same shift at the hospital for a while, shadowing one of the veterinary surgeons. Anyways, I ran into her at the store today, and we were reaching for the same bag of chips. It was like straight out of one of those romance movies. She likes Kappa Ebisen Plum Flavor chips as well.”

“Does she?” Hoshiumi muttered, still replaying the scene of Hirugami and this strange girl reaching for the same bag of chips at the store. A petty thought crossed his mind that he would be able to swipe it faster than both of them. “Well, this bag is mine now.”

“It sure is,” Hirugami said, suppressing the urge to roll his eyes at Hoshiumi’s smug expression. “Anyways, I was thinking about yesterday’s lesson... ”

 _So now he’s talking about it!_ Hoshiumi gave Hirugami a pointed look as he continued.

“And I think it may have been a bit too early,” Hirugami finished, looking as nonchalant as ever. “I think we should dial back a few steps and start with something easier. Even though we’re pressed with time, I think starting off with kissing was too fast. Normally, people don’t kiss right off the bat, Kourai-kun. Don’t you agree?”

The color left Hoshiumi’s face as he stared at Hirugami, who seemed perplexed by Hoshiumi’s expression. “Kourai-kun?” Hirugami said, tilting his head to the side. “It’s my fault this time. I was supposed to stick to the lesson plan, but with everything happening on my end, I forgot to stick to it. Some teacher I am, huh?”

 _I spent all morning worrying for nothing!? And yet… Why do I want to strangle him right now?_ Hoshiumi’s thoughts were back to racing as fast as a bullet train. _I don’t make sense to myself any more!_

“So…” Hoshiumi said, steadying his voice. He had no idea why Hirugami’s behavior was making him feel like he ran face first into a brick wall. “So you think we should take this whole thing slower? Is it because… are you saying… is it because I wasn’t… are you saying I wasn’t good enough?”

Though Hirugami’s hands weren’t outstretched in front of him, Hoshiumi felt as if his friend was blocking him again. His breathing started to get faster, as he stared away from Sachirou. _What’s this feeling again?_ Hoshiumi thought, remembering the pain before. _Why does it feel the same as… some kind of rejection?_

“Kourai…”

Normally, Hoshiumi was good under pressure, so it was rare to see him get so anxious. He had always radiated with an air of outward confidence and focus on the court, but those close to him knew that his proud personality stemmed from harboring deep insecurities that few knew. Hirugami had come to notice them over time the closer he and Kourai became, noticing that Hoshiumi was always thinking of proving himself to other people. He was obsessed with not being perceived as inadequate or helpless, and this insecurity would manifest itself in erratic outbursts that interviewers, opponents, and teammates would be unwittingly subjected to during his high school years. The one to act as Hoshiumi’s anchor and impulse control would be Sachirou, who learned how to talk him down.

Without thinking, Hirugami grabbed both of Hoshiumi’s hands in his. In his years of vet training, Hirugami learned that bewildered animals could be comforted by physical gestures of closeness and touch, and something about Kourai reminded him of a wounded animal. _I did this to you, Kourai-kun. I’ve gone and wounded your pride? Is that it?_

The shaking in Hoshiumi’s hands lessened as Hirugami’s closed over them. There was something comforting and familiar about Hirugami’s touch that gave him reassurance. Memories of high fives between points, winding tape around each other’s hands, and shaking hands at the end of practice matches flooded Hoshiumi’s mind. 

“Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said, his voice deeper and more serious. “That’s not what I mean. It’s not a matter of if you were enough or not. You did fine yesterday. Any girl would be lucky to get kisses like that from you. When you have your first kiss with someone that you love, I’m sure it will be the most amazing thing in the world. As a matter of fact, it’ll definitely be better than my first kiss.”

Hoshiumi looked up into Hirugami’s eyes, noticing that there was sadness in his hardened brown eyes. It reminded him of when they had watched Hachiko Monogatari together as children, and Hirugami cried in front of him again. “Sachirou,” Hoshiumi muttered, breaking away from his friend’s intense gaze. “I never asked you about your first kiss. I was just so caught up in myself again, did you ever tell me about it when I wasn’t listening? Was it with the girl that you loved when we were at Kamomedai?”

“I didn’t tell anyone about it,” Hirugami said gravely. “Actually, I was embarrassed about it. It happened near the end of our first year, at the sports festival. And no, it wasn’t with someone I loved. I…”

He lowered his hands, holding Kourai’s before letting go. “I did it because my sister and brother used to tease me for never having a girlfriend or kissing anyone. I used to look away whenever those parts would happen in movies. I felt like I had to do that too, so I could stop being seen as the ‘baby’ of the family. I wanted to be taken seriously, too. So there was a third year girl who confessed to me under the cherry blossoms. I didn’t even know her name, but she seemed to expect that because she liked me, I had to like her back. It was her last sports festival before she graduated, and it had to be me. Because isn’t that what boys dream about? A pretty girl coming up to them, confessing their feelings, asking for a kiss? It takes out all the work you have to put in to make it happen.”

Hoshiumi’s face fell, realizing that Hirugami was describing the same kind of encounter that made him and the rest of the volleyball team envious of him. However, Hirugami seemed miserable as he was recounting the experience.

“There was every reason in the world to do it- the atmosphere was perfect, she seemed nice enough, I wanted to kiss someone by the time my first year ended, and she liked me. The only thing about it was that it didn’t feel right.”

Hoshiumi couldn’t help but think how different Hirugami’s face was to his mom’s when she described how it felt kissing his dad. That it felt “right.” The same feeling that was missing on his date with Ueno Matsuri, which almost ended in kissing. _If it doesn’t feel right, don’t kiss them…_ His heart sank as he finally understood the meaning.

“Anyways, I did it,” Hirugami said with a defeated sigh. “Just like you, I always thought a first kiss was supposed to be this sacred, idyllic thing that changed your whole world when it happened, but it really wasn’t. It felt like something I had to do out of societal obligation.”

“Did it hurt?” Hoshiumi found himself asking, much to Hirugami’s surprise.

“Hurt?” Hirugami laughed, “No. It just felt weird, but it didn’t hurt. Kind of like if you eat something and it leaves an unpleasant taste. It’s not like I wanted to remember the experience or see her again.”

Hirugami cracked a wan smile. “Maybe that’s where the ‘Heartbreaker Hirugami’ title came from. She was pretty upset that I avoided her until she finally graduated. Maybe if she meant something to me, the whole experience would’ve been more painful. Anyways, I don’t want your experience to be like mine. I think you’re too good for that, Kourai-kun.”

_That’s why I shouldn’t kiss you any more. Save it for someone who will be able to love you with all their heart, not me. I’m trying to stop doing that._

“What is that supposed to mean?” Hoshiumi said, almost angrily, gripping Hirugami’s hand harder. “Why do you even feel that way? If that’s supposed to be a compliment, I hate the way that it sounds.”

“You’re too kind, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said, squeezing Hoshiumi’s hand back. “But you’ve always been destined for greater things than I have. Anyways, Kourai-kun, you’re killing my hand right now. There’s a proper way to do what we’re doing right now.”

Hoshiumi let go of Hirugami’s hand reluctantly, still bothered by his friends’ words. Even though Hirugami’s words were meant to reassure him, Hoshiumi felt even more restless. The idea of Sachirou feeling forced to kiss some nameless, faceless girl due to a reason as stupid as social pressure made Hoshiumi nauseous. Before he could space out and get even more angry, Hoshiumi was startled as he felt something gentle lace fingers with his hands, filling him with a sense of ease.

“I thought for today’s lesson, we could start with holding hands,” Hirugami said, his voice lightening as he looked at Hoshiumi. “It’s a pretty intimate gesture, and if done well can give your partner a sense of security and reassurance. Isn’t it nice, Kou?”

 _He’s back to calling me Kou!?_ Hoshiumi felt as if he was going to get whiplash from the different roles Hirugami was playing before him. Hirugami had seamlessly transitioned from friend to teacher in the blink of an eye. “Wait,” Hoshiumi said uneasily, “Are we starting another lesson already? I liked what we were doing before. It’s nice to just hear you talk to me so honestly like that.”

Hirugami gave a sad smile. “Kourai-kun, I promise when this is all over you’ll get your best friend Sachirou back. For now, let’s just focus on getting over this week together. We don’t have much time left,” he raised Hoshiumi’s small hand to his face. “Let’s just take it easy with this lesson, okay? Trust me, I know how it feels like to compare yourself to others and feel like you have to do everything perfectly, but today, I just want you to let go of all of that. Let’s just have fun with this.”

Seeing the truth in Hirugami’s words, Hoshiumi took a deep breath. He had been too focused on trying to “outcompete” the nameless people that Sachirou had done these things with before, along with Hirugami himself, which took away from the immersion of these lessons. “Yeah,” Hoshiumi said, looking down at their hands. _It’s just supposed to be a fun game of pretend after all. That’s all this is. I should be glad to have someone to play it with, instead of going out there and getting hurt in real life._ In spite of the tense situation, Hoshiumi managed to crack a smile. _I’ve really been overthinking all of this, huh?_

“I guess we have been pretty stressed out lately.”

“That’s… definitely one way to put it,” Hirugami said, thinking to himself that it really did feel like a long week. “Imagine if Coach Murphy could see us now. We’re breaking all of his rules of mental fortitude. Getting our feathers all ruffled like this.”

They looked at each other and both burst out laughing. Hirugami wiped away at his eyes, feeling a weight come off his shoulders. _That’s right. I’ve been thinking way too hard about this. Letting go of you doesn’t mean that I’m quitting our friendship. Besides, the thought of even holding your hand or wanting to kiss you used to kill me inside, but the more we do this… it gets easier._ “Anyways, dating is supposed to be fun, Kourai-kun,” he said bracingly. “I think both of us forgot that. Let’s start with the top again, alright, Kou-kun? I won’t take points this time, so don’t feel pressure when it comes to making mistakes. Can you be the _best_ boyfriend ever?”

Hoshiumi stuck out his tongue in response to Hirugami’s teasing tone of voice. “That’s the same voice you use when you say ‘who’s a good boy’ to random dogs on the street,” he complained, grabbing Hirugami’s hand indignantly. “Whatever the challenge is, I _will_ win.”

He looked down at their hands which were in an awkward handshake position. Hoshiumi was unsure what to do with his fingers, which was significantly shorter than Hirugami’s. “Your hands are a lot… softer than they were in high school,” Hoshiumi said, hoping to stall time as he figured out how to correct his form.

“It’s probably because all I do is wear latex gloves nowadays,” Hirugami said, pretending he didn’t notice Hoshiumi’s current struggle. 

"So,” Hoshiumi said awkwardly. “How am I supposed to hold this thing?”

“Kou-kun, do you know how awfully unromantic it sounds to call your partner’s hand ‘this thing’ and hold it up like it’s a used towel?”

Remembering that moments ago, Hirugami laced his fingers between his, Hoshiumi had an idea. He attempted to slide his fingers in between the gaps between Hirugami’s only to be met with resistance. _Huh!?_ Hoshiumi said, trying to weasel his fingers in between Hirugami’s. 

“Hey!” Hoshiumi glared at Hirugami. “Are you making my life hard on purpose!? Lemme in!”

Hirugami flashed a mischievous grin at Hoshiumi. “It’s like five tiny wing spikers against five scary tall middle blockers. Who will win?”

Hoshiumi’s nose twitched in annoyance as he continued wrestling with Hirugami’s one large hand. “Wipe that cocky smile off your face, Hirugami Sachirou!” Hoshiumi said, whipping out his other hand as he tried to pry Hirugami’s fingers open. “How do you even text with hands this large?”

“Very carefully,” Hirugami teased, continuing to push back against Hoshiumi. “My hands are a lot smaller than Fukuro-nii-san’s, you know. It should be easy for The Little Giant to break through such a weak defense… unless…?”

“You could pollute an ocean with all the trash coming out of your mouth!” Hoshiumi had both of his hands around Hirugami’s middle and index finger. “I’m starting to think _you_ suck at dating people more than I do! Don’t you hate the lovey dovey stuff anyways?”

Hirugami swatted Hoshiumi’s hands away, laughing. “Yup! But Kou-kun seems to like it so much. Especially getting doted on, it really gets to his head. Maybe that’s why he’s so weak right now.”

“Sachirou!” screeched Hoshiumi, jumping onto the couch and tackling Hirugami. “I’m going to kill you!”

Hirugami silently thanked his layer of soft brown hair, passively protecting him from Hoshiumi’s furious swipes at his head. _Kourai-kun is kind of cute when he gets annoyed._ Hirugami thought, fondly remembering their continuous play fighting through their years as teammates. This momentary distraction gave Hoshiumi the opening he needed, and Kourai grabbed both of Hirugami’s hands, jabbing his fingers in between them.

“Ha ha!” Hoshiumi wore a gremlin smile as he intertwined his fingers with Hirugami. “I’m not letting you go, Sachirou! I got you!”

“That you do,” Hirugami said, giving a cocky smile. “I’d clap for you, but I’m a bit tied up right now.”

Out of nowhere, he felt something jump on both him and Hoshiumi, knocking them off the couch. Attracted to the commotion, Kotarou sensed an opportunity to play and took it, barking eagerly as Hoshiumi let out a groan, lamenting that it suddenly became a battle of two against one. Hirugami freed himself as his dog showered Hoshiumi with slobbery dog kisses. “Stop!” Hoshiumi cried out, giggling. “Stop, Kotarou, it tickles!”

 _If I could stop time for just a moment,_ Hirugami thought, feeling his heart swell as he gazed at Hoshiumi laughing. _It’d probably be here._

His dog, Hoshiumi Kourai, the sound of laughter, nothing else felt more pure and wonderful to Hirugami Sachirou. In that moment, he felt a sense of contentment, a feeling that this was as good as reality would ever get. 

Hirugami broke into a smile that reached his eyes, but unfortunately, his happiness was short-lived as his phone went off, disturbing his perfect scene. As he saw the Caller ID, his heart fell.

_Why is she calling me, now of all times?_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: this hiruhoshi fake dating fanfic was supposed to be a comedy where in chapter 3, kourai would try on an extra extra large sweater and get stuck in it because he wanted to wear a size bigger than sachirou. also on his date, he was supposed to be caught stealing shrimp out of the girl's salad because hirugami usually lets hoshiumi eat off his plate. it was supposed to be 5 chapters. how did it get so sad.... whenever i see that i tagged this as "comedy" i laugh to myself... it is a comedy because the author is a clown. thank you for reading and stay tuned for more, and also i'd like to thank everyone who makes hiruhoshi content. for such a long time i was eating at the buffet of content in the hiruhoshi tag without contributing so now i hope that i have brought my own cake to this picnic. i am a hoshiumi stan but writing this has made me realize that hirugami sachirou truly is haikyuus best kept secret. what a guy. alright thank you for reading again i sincerely appreciate it


	10. Turning Tables

“Hello, this is Sachirou.”

Hoshiumi’s ears perked up as he heard Hirugami answer his phone, his hands occupied with holding Kotarou’s paws in place as he tried to jump onto his chest. He was still in a playful mood, barking loudly as her owner was talking on the phone. “Kourai-kun,” whispered Hirugami covering the speaker on his phone. “Can you take Kotarou to my room?”

Hoshiumi nodded and gave him an exuberant thumbs up. “You can count on me!” he said, grabbing Hirugami’s dog by his collar. “Come on, Kotarou! Let’s stop bothering your owner.”

As Hoshiumi led the dog away, he heard Hirugami let out a chuckle. “I didn’t expect to hear you again so soon, Rina-san. Did you get home safely?”

_Rina… isn’t it that girl from Sachirou’s class?_ Hoshiumi remembered, narrowing his eyes. _The ‘pretty cute’ one._ _They’re already on a first name basis? They must be closer than I thought._

Hoshiumi furrowed his brow, unsuccessfully trying to suppress the urge to eavesdrop. Why was this girl from school calling Sachirou on a weekend, especially when she had just seen him? Did he forget something at the store? Did she want him to cover her shift? Was she going to resort to tactics in order to convince him to cover her shift? Hoshiumi’s eyes narrowed as he played the scene in his head with a scowl, thinking about what he would do if he was a cute girl who wanted to get out of a Saturday shift. _I would definitely do the same!_

Hoshiumi peeked from behind the stand of volleyball trophies in Hirugami’s living room, watching Sachirou pace back and forth on the phone. He stuck his tongue out in disgust as Hirugami started twirling his curly hair around his index finger. “The secret life of Hirugami Sachirou,” Hoshiumi whispered, doing a mocking narration. “Still trying to look good even if no one’s watching. Talk about wasteful.”

As Hoshiumi was muttering under his breath, Hirugami stopped for a moment. “I’m with a friend right now,” Hirugami said, tapping his fingers on the small coffee table next to him. “No, you don’t know him. Believe it or not, but I do have friends who are guys, too. He’s not from class, just a teammate from high school. Why did you ask?”

 _Friend!? Teammate? That’s it? Not even ‘best friend’!?_ Hoshiumi stared blankly at Hirugami, his mouth gaping open. Hirugami continued to talk, blissfully unaware of the daggers that Hoshiumi was staring into his side. “It was nice seeing you at the store today, too,” Hirugami said with a laugh. “Thanks for letting me have the last bag of Kappa Ebisen Plum Flavor chips. My little cousin loves those. It’s the only way we can get that mischievous boy to do anything. You have great taste by the way, it’s a shame they’re seasonal.”

Hoshiumi could not take what he was hearing any longer. Bolting at Hirugami, Hoshiumi planted a well-aimed kick at Hirugami’s side, who was too slow to react, dropping his phone in the process. “This is Hoshiumi Kourai erasure!” Hoshiumi shrieked. “Little cousin? What’s with the lies!?”

“Hirugami-kun?” the girl’s voice came from the phone as Hoshiumi climbed on top of his friend. “When I’m gone, do you just pretend I don’t exist or something?” Hoshiumi snapped, pointing accusingly. “Aren’t we best friends? Why are you hiding me like I’m some… dirty little secret?”

“Kourai-kun, I can explain,” Hirugami said, putting his hands up as Hoshiumi stared down at him intensely. “It’s just a classmate from school, she asked if I wanted to get drinks with our friends tonight since she ran into me at the store. I figured you had no interest in meeting my friends and hate social situations where people aren’t familiar with what to say with you! Why are you so mad, it’s not like you’re my girlfriend or something!”

Hoshiumi suddenly bolted up straight, recalling something that Ueno Matsuri had mentioned on their date. _“Haven’t you always wondered why you never met his friends outside of volleyball? Or what kind of world Sachirou-kun is part of? From the look on your face, I’m guessing you have no idea. It’s probably because he’s worked so hard to keep those sides separate. I wonder what changed?”_

_“You know, I thought that Sachirou-kun kept you away from other people because he was scared you’d take all his friends away! But now I realize it’s because you’d embarrass him!”_

As Hoshiumi remembered Ueno’s harsh words, he couldn’t help but cringe violently. “I…” Hoshiumi said, making unintelligible noises. “I want to… I want to be a part of your life… too. Let me try.”

“What did you just say?” Hirugami said, unsure if he heard Hoshiumi correctly. Rarely did Hoshiumi ever go out of his way to learn someone’s name outside of volleyball or ever ask Hirugami about his social life. Though Hoshiumi had a reputation for taking offense to being left out, this usually applied to activities he was comfortable with like sports or hanging out with their teammates at Kamomedai; never with complete strangers, let alone people who only knew Hirugami.

“Take me with you,” Hoshiumi said hoarsely. “I want to meet your friends. The girl on the phone… she’s the one you wanted me to go on a date with, right?”

“Well, it was just a suggestion,” Hirugami said uncomfortably. “I didn’t think you wanted to do it.”

Hoshiumi grabbed the front of Hirugami’s shirt and looked straight into his eyes. “Sachirou, I will take on any challenge. I want to prove myself to you. I can and _will_ get along with your friends and not embarrass you. You can introduce me to them. I will be on my best behavior. Do not turn down their invitation for my sake. Besides, I know nothing about college and people who go to college. It’d be a learning experience for me.”

Hirugami gave a defeated sigh. “I’m just worried Kourai-kun won’t enjoy it, that’s all. They’re my friends after all, and there’s nothing in it for you. The focus won’t even be on you, and it’s not really a ‘date situation.’ You won’t get any alone time anyways.”

Hoshiumi wondered why none of Hirugami’s words seemed to bother him. If this happened a week ago, Hoshiumi would have simply said ‘whatever, hope you have fun!’ while opting to spend that time on practicing his serves instead. However, this time Hoshiumi felt differently. “That doesn’t matter to me. Let’s go together, alright? I haven’t really talked to anyone besides you and my mom since I’ve been back.”

“Fine,” Hirugami said, struggling to push Hoshiumi off him. _Kourai-kun is all muscle now_ , he thought, groaning. Back in high school, when he was still in shape, being able to pick up Kourai was as easy as slinging a backpack over his shoulder. “Can you please get off me, Kourai-kun? You’re so heavy.”

“HUH?” Hoshiumi snapped, grabbing Hirugami’s shirt again. “That’s an awfully blunt thing for you to say!”

“Listen, I’ll let you meet my friends!” Hirugami repeated, squirming. “On the condition that you get off me, you’re crushing my-”

Unfortunately as the two men were struggling, Yamashita Rina was still on the other side of the line. “Hirugami-kun, are you okay? Hirugami-kun?” the girl’s worried voice came out through the phone. “Sorry if I was intruding on something intimate!”

Hirugami pushed Hoshiumi off of him to retrieve his phone. Hoshiumi crossed his arms, feeling apologetic as he realized that he put his friend in an even more awkward situation. “Sorry about that, Rina-san,” Hirugami said, softly. “Er, my friend… and my dog… Thanks for understanding. I’ll explain more when I see you later tonight. Actually, I’m going to bring my friend with me, too if that’s okay. Just text me the address and I’ll be there. Thanks... Bye.”

Hirugami hung up and put his phone back in his pocket, giving Hoshiumi a dry smile. “You’ve won, Kourai-kun. You get to meet my friends,” he said, rubbing his back. “Also, I think Rina-san isn’t thoroughly convinced that I have friends who are guys, too. Before she hung up she said, ‘I’m looking forward to meeting her’ before I could say anything.”

Hoshiumi let out a sputtering noise as he tried not to laugh. “I think I know exactly what she thought was going on here,” he pointed at Hirugami mockingly. “Sounds like you’ve built yourself the same reputation you had in high school! She probably thinks I’m a girl staying over who’s upset you won’t let me meet your friends. Ha! Well she’ll be in for a shock. I can’t wait to see the surprise on her face…”

Hoshiumi rubbed his hands together gleefully as Hirugami rolled his eyes. “Kourai-kun, you have a very colorful imagination as usual. That’s a very childish way of thinking about the situation. Rina-san isn’t the type who would think anything that stupid,” he said dismissively. “Anyways, my apologies for the distraction. Did you want to continue where we left off?”

Hoshiumi stretched out his arms and gave a loud yawn. Something about waking up early and spending most of his day trying to pin down his evasive friend left him feeling more tired than usual on a Saturday. As someone who normally disliked meeting strangers, the thought of meeting new people later in the day made Hoshiumi feel as if he deserved a nap to recharge. “Sort of,” Hoshiumi said, flopping back onto the couch. “Maybe something less involved than competitive hand holding though.”

“Hm,” Hirugami said, thinking of what to do next. His eyes flickered to the stack of recorded volleyball games that his family kept around. “You wanna watch an old game or something? Are you feeling like professional-league, high school, or Hirugami family fun level games? Actually scratch off the last one, I know those just make you frustrated to watch since everyone’s just messing around.”

“You know what,” Hoshiumi said with a lazy smile. “I think I could use seeing Sachirou suck at something for once on TV. Not to mention, I’ll have some dirt on Captain Fukuro once I’m back.”

Hirugami started the tape and went back to the couch with Hoshiumi. The tape started with a much younger Hirugami Fukuro, sans goatee, serving at the sound of a whistle blow. Hirugami couldn’t help but make faces of discomfort as he saw his nine year old self, awkwardly fumbling with blocks while his big brother and his friend were laughing at him. Hoshiumi was peering over the pillow he hugged to his chest, giving a small laugh as he saw small Sachirou get faked out of a high five by one of his brother’s friends. “That isn’t Meian Shugo from the MSBY Black Jackals, huh?”

“Can’t stand that guy,” Hirugami muttered, patting his hair instinctively as he remembered his brother’s friend’s choice nickname for him as a child, _Baldy Bean._ “This was back when I used to take volleyball so seriously that Fukuro-nii-san’s friends always made fun of me.”

“I’ll beat him for you,” Hoshiumi said. “Sachirou, I always wondered how you were so good for a middle schooler and now I realize, you’ve been playing with the pros since you were a kid. That’s pretty cool.”

“Are you just saying that because you’re tired?” Hirugami teased, easing up on the sofa. “Did you sleep well last night?”

“Not really,” Hoshiumi said, pulling his legs onto the couch. “It gets cold in the living room. I’m too used to sleeping in your bed when I’m over, but I figured you might’ve wanted your own space. Y’know… the kissing lesson was pretty intense.”

“It sure was,” Hirugami said with an uneasy smile, bringing back Hoshiumi’s attention to the screen. “Anyways, that guy on the other side of the net with the nasty jump floater was on the Tachibana Red Falcons for a while. Pretty much everyone in this game except me went pro, or at least tried to.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Hoshiumi said, pointing at one of the players. “That libero on your brother’s team is really good. I don’t think I’ve seen him before in a professional game. Whatever happened to him?”

Hirugami’s shoulders stiffened as he recognized the player. “That’s Kazuo-san,” Hirugami said. “He’s a Kamomedai alumni. He and my brother were the cornerstone of the team’s defense and led them to Nationals, but his career was cut pretty short. He-”

Hirugami’s voice trailed off as he recalled what became of Kazuo-san, a story that gave him a sense of lingering dread whenever he remembered it. Kazuo-san was one of Fukuro’s closest friends growing up, who also came from a volleyball family close to the Hirugami family. He was a promising V.League Division 1 recruit after high school, but his career was damaged when it came to light that he had been in a relationship with a teammate. It was a scandal that ruined his chances of being on the National team and lost him numerous sponsorships at the time. To avoid public scrutiny, Kazuo was forced to step down from his professional career and pursued coaching instead. It was a cautionary tale that Hirugami’s parents repeated to him often that being a professional volleyball player was more than just individual skill, but protecting one’s image. It was the same basis that disqualified many suitable candidates for the U19 Youth Camp, and one of the reasons Hirugami could never see himself pursuing volleyball professionally.

 _That’s why even if, by some minuscule chance, Kourai-kun ever loved me back, it couldn’t work out. I would hate to be the one that plucked off his wings and let him give up his lifelong dream for what… a relationship? Something that’s not guaranteed to last forever?_ Hirugami was deep in thought, spacing out as he stared at the television. _Even if we were together and happy, it’d ruin what we’ve built our lives around. That’s why… I have to keep these boundaries between us._

Before Hirugami could descend into the thoughts that plagued him the past six years, he was interrupted by the feeling of Hoshiumi’s head leaning gently into his shoulder. “Kourai-kun?” Hirugami said, alarmed that Hoshiumi had moved so close to him without noticing. “Are you asleep?”

Knowing that Hoshiumi got cold easily, Hirugami figured that he must’ve unconsciously gravitated toward him for warmth. It was a habit of Kourai’s that made for awkward moments whenever there was a long bus ride or overnight tournament, where Hirugami would wake up to Hoshiumi directly next to him. Hirugami stared down at Hoshiumi’s peacefully sleeping face, his expression distant as he realized the old stirring feeling in his heart was more muted than before.

“Damn,” Hirugami said, wiping aside the drool that formed at the corner of Hoshiumi’s mouth. Instinctively, Hoshiumi reached for Hirugami’s waist, but Sachirou pushed away his hands gently, a hollow feeling in his chest. “You can’t let me go, can you Kourai-kun? Every time I think about going far away, you keep coming back… Why…”

Without thinking, Hirugami wrapped his arms around Hoshiumi, holding him to his chest. Hoshiumi seemed to reciprocate the feeling of someone else’s touch, nestling his face into the crook of Hirugami’s arms, an unconscious gesture of comfort. “I want this to be real, too,” Hirugami whispered, petting the top of Hoshiumi’s head. “Sometimes, when I look into your eyes, I wonder if there’s a part of you that feels the same way… and then I feel like the worst person in the world because you shouldn’t. I’m so sorry I’ve confused you so much, Kourai-kun. I promise it’ll be over soon.”

* * *

Walking down a busy street in the city, Hirugami Sachirou was leading the way with his phone in hand as Hoshiumi Kourai took leaps and bounds to match his speed. Donning one of Hirugami’s large hoodies and a beanie, Hoshiumi skipped around the tiled pavement under them, skillfully landing on specially colored tiles to the chagrin of random strangers. “Sachirou, remember when we used to do this as kids? The white tiles were minus one point, the blue tiles were three, and the green tiles were five,” Hoshiumi exclaimed, full of energy after his afternoon nap. “Now I can just do green tiles with my superior jump!”

Hirugami felt an urge to hit his palm against his face as Hoshiumi pointed accusingly at his feet. “You know how many white tiles you’ve stepped on? C’mon, it’s no fun when you’re actively trying to lose,” Hoshiumi crossed his arms. “Are you paying attention to me? Sachirou? Hirugami Sachirou?”

The top of Hoshiumi’s head and his extremely wide eyes bobbed over the top of Hirugami’s phone screen, his eyebrows deflected downward in a way that communicated his displeasure. “Kourai-kun, I’m trying to follow the directions,” Hirugami said tritely, grabbing Hoshiumi’s wrist and holding it at his side. “Can you stop flitting around? I might lose you in the crowd.”

“Lose me? In a crowd? That’s not even possible. Also hey!” Hoshiumi said, lifting up Hirugami’s hand on his arm. “When did you get so comfortable grabbing me like that?”

“It’s always been that way, Kourai-kun. Besides, you didn’t seem to mind this the time we were kissing and holding hands. Why are you acting like you’ve never been touched before?” Hirugami said plainly, flustering Hoshiumi in the process. 

“Don’t say that out loud!” Hoshiumi snapped, swiping his wrist back from Hirugami’s clutches. “Also it’s disturbing how you can say things like that so shamelessly, without a second thought! Anyways, it’s because it was with you that none of that even mattered… but we’re in public!”

Hirugami sighed, wondering if introducing Hoshiumi to his friends was a mistake. It seemed like a lot better of an idea when Hoshiumi was in his less energetic state, but the moment they stepped out of the door, Hoshiumi reverted to his bouncier self. “I still can’t believe that you only packed Schweiden Adlers jackets for the weekend,” Hirugami said, eying Hoshiumi. “It’s like you want to be stopped in public or something.”

“I mean, is that a bad thing? Anyways, I’m a master of disguise,” Hoshiumi said, slipping on the hood of his sweater to obscure his face. It was one of Hirugami’s old hand-me-downs, an oversized hoodie that served Hirugami up until middle school, but was still one size too large for Hoshiumi. “You can’t see my face… but I have a perfect vision of my surroundings. Like a ninja.”

“Sure.”

“Speaking of which, I think those people are waving at you, Sachirou!”

As they passed the window of a restaurant, a group of people turned to wave at Hirugami who looked up from his phone. Hoshiumi’s eyes widened as he saw the number of people at the table. _Six people!? That’s enough for a volleyball team_ , Hoshiumi thought, feeling a sense of nervousness again as he counted four girls and two boys. Normally, Hoshiumi had little care for what other people thought of him, but suddenly found himself wondering what Sachirou’s friends would think of him.

“Nice to see everyone outside the library for once,” Hirugami said pleasantly, greeting his friends as he walked in. Hoshiumi trailed behind him, his eyes darting from face to face, before he saw the girl that Hirugami had talked about before. Yamashita Rina.

Hoshiumi noted that Yamashita Rina’s expression seemed much softer in person, with a beauty mark under her nose that wasn’t noticeable in professional pictures that Hirugami provided him with. There was something about her that made him less uneasy than when he faced Ueno Matsuri, but she seemed to be staring at him intently, trying to make out his features. “Hirugami-kun,” said one of the girls, “Is your friend shy or something? Why are they covering their face?”

Hoshiumi’s face flushed with color as he realized he forgot to take off his hood. “Sorry about that,” Hoshiumi muttered, revealing his face.

Yamashita Rina’s eyes widened in shock as she saw Hoshiumi’s face, much to his pleasure. He had forgotten the sheer joy that he felt whenever anyone gave him a look of surprise. Wasting no time, Hoshiumi pulled out the seat across from her. “Aha!” Hoshiumi said, pointing at her, “It’s me! That friend from Sachirou’s house. You’re surprised I wasn’t a girl staying over huh? See Sachirou, I told you!”

 _Kourai-kun…_ Hirugami’s cheeks were bright red with embarrassment, while Rina was bewildered by the spunky white-haired man that was pointing at her without introducing himself. She cleared her throat while diverting her gaze away from Hoshiumi, and her friends around her started laughing.

“Poor Rina-chan was so embarrassed, she thought Hirugami-kun was in the middle of an affair of something,” one of the girls giggled, while Hoshiumi relished in his friend’s humiliation. “All she heard was Hirugami-kun yelling ‘get off me’, ‘it’s not like you’re my girlfriend’, and ‘I’ll introduce you to my friends’ over the phone. We were just trying to piece together the story.”

Hoshiumi gave a high pitched laugh at Hirugami’s expense. “Well, Sachirou always embarrasses me wherever I go so I had to get him back! I think I’m winning,” Hoshiumi said jovially. “Right, Sachirou?”

Hirugami winced as Hoshiumi slung an arm around him. “Hirugami-kun?” Hoshiumi said in a teasing feminine voice.

“Anyways,” Hirugami said, nudging away Hoshiumi’s arm. “This is my friend from high school, Hoshiumi Kourai. He’s a professional volleyball player. Anyways ladies, he’s also single, for reasons that don’t need to be explained.”

Gagging noises came out of Hoshiumi as Hirugami flipped the table on him. “Hey! Aren’t you single too?” Hoshiumi said accusingly.

“For now,” Hirugami said, leaned back in his seat, pursing his lips. “Actually, spending the past weekend with you has made me realize that maybe it’s about time for me to have a girlfriend again. It’s been a while.”

Hirugami’s friends started to laugh, while Hoshiumi almost spat out the water he was drinking. The guys in Hirugami’s group made funny noises in response while the girls looked at each other nervously. “Well, let’s hope that we don’t end up fighting over the same person,” Hoshiumi muttered under his breath, wondering why that humorous exchange felt as if Hirugami socked him in the stomach. “I wouldn’t forgive myself if I lost to someone as flighty as Sachirou over here.”

“Hey,” one of the guys said, putting an arm on the table next to Hoshiumi. “At least you’re a pro-athlete. Those get a ton of girls by default. You have a whole ocean to fish from compared to us normal folk. Besides all of us are so busy, our social lives just consist of each other!”

 _So these people are like Sachirou’s teammates._ Hoshiumi pondered over his own social life, thinking about how even in his team, he spent the most time with his fellow rookies Kageyama and Ushijima. “That’s not too different from my situation actually,” Hoshiumi said thoughtfully. “I’m so busy playing, practicing, and traveling that I only ever really see my teammates. Sometimes fans if I go to gatherings. You know, Sachirou over here always describes meeting fans as the worst thing ever, but I’ve actually started to like it. I used to be pretty bad with crowds. I always had to rely on someone else to monitor my impulse control if someone else said the wrong thing.”

Hoshiumi’s expression soured as he recalled the countless failed interviews of his youth. Hirugami cracked a nervous smile as Hoshiumi looked up to him. “You’ve been doing a lot better lately, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said encouragingly. “See? You don’t need me with you anymore. Anyways, let’s order some drinks. I’ll cover everyone except for Kourai-kun. You don’t want to see him drunk.”

“Huh?” Hoshiumi snapped across the table. “Not like I’m going to drink anyways.”

“I won’t be drinking either,” Rina said with a hand up. “Thank you for offering, Hirugami-kun. I have to go home early to look after my siblings.”

“Rina-chan,” her friend said teasingly. “You need to have more fun! Not everything is about school and family. Anyways, Hoshiumi-san, one reason we vet students have to work so hard is because of these two.”

She gestured at Hirugami and Rina, the latter who started to blush. “All of our exams are graded on a curve so scores are relative to each other. These two are Mr. and Mrs. Perfect when it comes to school. Our top scorers. Except Hirugami-kun knows how to have fun and take it easy. Rina-chan… not so much,” she said, giggling.

 _Top scorers… so, on this ‘veterinary school’ team, Sachirou and this girl are like the “aces.”_ Hoshiumi furrowed his brow as he took in the information. _Just like Sachirou and I were the standout players at Kamomedai. This is his new world. I wonder if they study together too._

“Well, the fact that she’s here with you guys today is a good sign,” Hoshiumi chimed in, remembering Hirugami’s middle school days, where his friend was so intensely devoted to the sport that he never went to any social gathering. “Even people who have everything together need a break now and then. Especially in sports. People who push themselves too much get hurt or burn out.”

“Wow Hoshiumi-san,” one of the guys said in awe. “You’re just like a motivational speaker! Sachirou, why didn’t you bring this guy around more?”

Hirugami laughed, scratching his head. _It seems like all my worries were meaningless. Kourai-kun seems to be getting along with my friends pretty well._ “Kourai-kun isn’t usually the type to enjoy social gatherings where he doesn’t know a single person and no one plays volleyball. Usually volleyball is his go-to conversational topic, apart from his life story,” he said while taking a long sip from his glass. 

“There’s a lot of lessons you get from volleyball that can apply to real life. Besides, I’m not the only one who’s changed since we were kids,” Hoshiumi protested, staring down Hirugami. “Like you! It’s not my story to say, but when I first met Hirugami Sachirou, he was quiet, scared, and intense.”

“Huh, Hirugami-kun? Intense?” his friends inquired in disbelief. The Hirugami Sachirou that they knew from class was an easygoing straight-A student who made even the most complicated problems look easy as he worked through them like a robot. He fit in effortlessly with new teams when they did operations at the local vet clinics, and never showed any signs of distress during difficult situations or exams. In fact, many of their classmates saw him as a mystery- the perfectly balanced, handsome, and well-mannered colleague whose only known weakness was how long he could ramble about his dog.

“Yeah,” Hoshiumi said, a smug look on his face as he took in everyone’s look of surprise. _That’s the reaction I want to see._ “In fact, if any of you want to know more about Hirugami Sachirou, you’ve come to the right place. I’ve known him all through middle school. Ask away!”

As drinks were brought out, Hoshiumi spent the rest of the night talking to Hirugami’s friends excitedly about Sachirou’s life before vet school, volleyball, workout routines, and asking each of his friends about their college experiences. Hirugami felt as if he was watching a movie unfold before him, thinking to himself on how he never thought he’d see the day that Kourai was animatedly discussing topics that had nothing to do with him. _Just like a shooting star, blazing past my eyes,_ Hirugami thought, not even noticing one of Rina’s friends holding onto his arm and leaning into him. _Kourai-kun definitely doesn’t need me any more. I should be happy about that. Isn’t that what all of this was for?_

Hirugami recalled his first meeting with Hoshiumi almost a week ago, and how distant of a memory it felt. Hoshiumi was incapable of paying attention to anything Hirugami did or said, but would only go off about himself or volleyball. Now, Hoshiumi was effortlessly melting into the crowd, a sign of times changing. _You’ve really flown from the nest, Kourai-kun,_ Hirugami said, his mind blurring as he continued to passively partake in his surroundings. _Ugh, how much did I drink? I feel like I have a fever._

An hour or two passed, and the girl by Hirugami’s side was slowly inching onto his lap, calling Hoshiumi’s attention away from the basketball game he and the others were watching on the screen behind him. _Don’t touch him_ , Hoshiumi felt the urge to stand on the table and hiss at her before the sound of a chair abruptly scraping the floor interrupted the scene, loudly diverting everyone’s attention. Rina Yamashita had gotten up, her face unreadable as she bowed stiffly. “I have to go,” she said, slinging her purse over her shoulder. “Sorry.”

“Rina-san, we were just talking about heading to a karaoke place after this,” Hirugami said, alarmed by her demeanor. Though she was hiding it well, she seemed upset. “It’s dark outside, do you want someone to walk you home?”

“It’s fine,” Rina said, turning around. Hoshiumi knew that tone of voice well. _It’s definitely not fine…_ “I’ll see you in class, Hirugami-kun. It was nice meeting you too, Hoshiumi-san.”

Hoshiumi, whose spirits had noticeably declined as everyone started to get more sluggish from drinking stood up as well. “Hey,” Hoshiumi said, shooting an annoyed glance at Hirugami. “I’ll walk you home. I have to get up early tomorrow to do some exercise. Sachirou, if I wake up tomorrow and you’re not home, I’m going to call your brother. Don’t leave me waiting and don’t bring anyone else home.”

Hirugami and Hoshiumi stared at each other across the table for a long time. _Why do I feel the urge to strangle you right here and right now,_ Hoshiumi thought. “Thanks, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami responded uneasily. “I promise.”

Saying goodbye to the others, Hoshiumi followed Yamashita Rina out the door and into the night with heavy footsteps.

* * *

The pavement under Hoshiumi’s steps felt hard and cold as he walked against the brisk evening breeze with a complete stranger, who seemed to silently share his pain. They walked silently beside each other for almost an hour, making small talk as Hoshiumi sensed that there were things she wanted to ask him. Though Yamashita Rina hadn’t explicitly said it out loud, Hoshiumi was perceptive enough to pick up on her true feelings.

“You love Sachirou, don’t you?”

Hoshiumi let the words escape from his mouth without thinking, watching the fog from his cold breath swirl around him. He turned around to face her, his seaglass green eyes luminous under the moonlight. Something about that statement felt like a self-admission as Hoshiumi thought to himself that watching Yamashita Rina’s expressions tonight felt like looking straight back at a mirror. 

Rina stopped walking, her hands balled up beside her. “It’s obvious isn’t it,” Rina said, wiping away at her face. “All of my friends know, too. I’ve liked Hirugami-kun for a long time. Everyone tells me I shouldn’t, because he’s…”

“A heartbreaker?” Hoshiumi finished, giving a sad laugh. “It was hard for me to watch too. Your friend wasn’t acting like much of a friend back there. He’s popular with the girls at college too, isn’t he?”

“Yes,” Rina answered, shaking her head. “I felt like a fool. I guess that’s their payback you know? For studying too hard and ruining school for everyone. Then being like everyone else and going for the same boy.”

 _Yeah,_ Hoshiumi gave a stupid grin as he commiserated with the girl beside him. _Me too._ “Hey, I just met you, but I don’t think you should feel guilty for wanting the best for yourself. If I had to count how many times people tried to make _me_ feel guilty for wanting things they didn’t think belonged to me, I’d be the richest man in this prefecture,” Hoshiumi mused, crossing his arms. “If you work hard, you deserve it. If you love him then don’t feel ashamed of it.”

“Hoshiumi-san,” Rina said almost breathlessly. “You know, when I saw you were Hirugami-kun’s friend, I was relieved. I just met you and yet, I feel like I can trust you already. You’re so honest and straightforward, you care about Hirugami-kun so much and know all these things he doesn’t show other people… I’m relieved that he has you.”

“Me?” Hoshiumi shook his head with a laugh. He thought of how Hirugami passingly mentioned wanting to date again, all of the times he had forgotten details of his friend’s life, and the doubts he pushed onto their friendships. “I’ve known this for a long time but today it was clearer than ever. I’m not enough for him. I absolutely suck at making Sachirou feel like he’s special in any way. I think I did that again today.”

Hoshiumi’s startling confession of insecurity disturbed his companion. _How… how can he say something like that so easily?_ Rina thought, watching Hoshiumi uncomfortably. “What do you love about Sachirou?” Hoshiumi asked, even though he was sure the response would hurt him further. “He’s handsome, isn’t he?”

“Hirugami-kun is kind,” Rina said, without missing a beat, thinking of the reasons that kept her going with her hopeless crush on her classmate. “Even though other people tell me he has a habit of ghosting girls, I see the way he treats his peers and classmates. He listens to people. He treats all of the animals at the hospital as if they are his friends that he’s helping out. He talks to them softly, and if they don’t have names, he gives them ones. You know how his voice sounds when he knows someone well?”

_“Kourai-kun.”_

_“What are you doing, Kourai-kun?”_

Hoshiumi smiled to himself as he remembered Hirugami’s warm voice calling his name throughout his life. “Yeah,” Hoshiumi replied, his eyes watering. “Sachirou has a way of making people feel special doesn’t he? Whether it be a person or an animal in need. You know, whenever we would play outside as kids and stumble across an injured animal on the road, most people would go ‘ew!’ or think it wasn’t their problem. But Sachirou wasn’t squicked out by blood or anything. Never has been. He sees something in need of help, and he goes to them. You know why he’s like that? Because once upon a time, he was someone who needed help.”

_She answered all the right things, too. I think that out of everyone I’ve ever met, this is the person who can make him happy._

“I’m glad Sachirou has a friend like you, Hoshiumi-san. I’m sure he thinks you’re enough.”

“There are things I can’t give him,” Hoshiumi said, biting his lip. He would rather die than admit that the past weekend, he and Sachirou had done what lovers usually do under the guise of pretending, and yet… Hirugami still wanted a real relationship. “Y’know? Anyways, I think you should tell him how you feel. Are you planning to?”

“I’ve thought about it,” Rina said softly. “But… is it okay with you, Hoshiumi-san?”

“Okay with me?” Hoshiumi stood in the dim light from the streetlamps, his back illuminated. “It has nothing to do with me. In fact, it’s more than okay with me. I think Sachirou needs someone like you in his life, who likes him for who is. Someone who can see past the guard he puts up around himself.”

 _Why does this hurt so much? Why does it feel like I’m giving him away to someone else?_ Hoshiumi thought, his throat feeling dry as he pressed on. 

“Sachirou comes from a famous family and has me as his best friend, so I think he might need some extra reassurance that he’s special. I try to tell him that all the time, but I don’t think he listens when it comes from me. I wish I could’ve given him that, but I think all I’ve ever done was take the spotlight from him. Maybe like my name, I shine too brightly,” Hoshiumi continued, unsure why he was rambling to a complete stranger late at night. “Anyways, it looks like there are other girls that really like him too out there, so you should act soon. Y’know, Sachirou told me he thought you were pretty cute, so I think you have a good chance.”

Hoshiumi wanted nothing more than to disappear into the night as he looked back at Yamashita Rina, wondering if in another life, he’d be in her position. “Anyways, good luck with Sachirou,” he said too enthusiastically, walking ahead. “Let’s get you home.”

“Hoshiumi-san,” Rina said, too timid to interrupt his passionate monologue. “We’ve been standing in front of my house for a while. I just didn’t want to interrupt you.”

“Oh.”

The wind seemed louder as Hoshiumi realized he had been talking for a long time. “Sorry, I have a tendency to go off when Sachirou isn’t around,” he said apologetically, sticking his hand out toward her. “It was nice meeting you. I hope we meet again, and uh- if you want me to put in a good word for you, I guess it helps that I’m his best friend.”

“Thank you for your words, Hoshiumi-san,” Rina said, overwhelmed by Kourai’s large presence as she shook his hand. “I’ll call you if anything comes up. Also please, be a bit kinder to yourself.”

“I think I’ve been a bit too kind to myself all my life,” Hoshiumi said, recalling his normal prideful demeanor. “Anyways, good night.”

Hoshiumi gave an over-done thumbs up and slung his backpack over his shoulder, before running as fast as he could up the hill behind him. The cold wind lashed against his skin and the darkness was unforgiving, but something about these uncomfortable sensations made Hoshiumi feel more alive. As he slowed down, his breathing raggedy, Hoshiumi looked up at the stars above him with a shattered heart. He flung himself onto the grass, thankful that he was finally alone before descending into his dramatic outburst. 

“Damn it, Sachirou,” Hoshiumi said, laughing as tears ran down the sides of his eyes. He grabbed at his chest, wishing that his heart could stop feeling for a moment. He looked up at the stars, feeling smaller than ever under the expanse of the night sky. “I don’t want our time together to ever be over. I don’t want you to do those things you did with me with other people. Even someone as kind as that girl… it hurts to think about you with her.”

The words caught on his throat, before he could say them out loud. Memories flooded his head of his beloved friend, from the moment that he had stopped Hirugami at the stone wall of their middle school to the day they stood over the envelopes with Sachirou’s veterinary school decisions. The look of Sachirou’s smile, the warmth of his hands, and their highlights working together as partners on the Kamomedai High Volleyball Team flashed before Kourai’s eyes as he finally realized the source of his pain. It was the first time Kourai realized that his days with Sachirou were numbered. 

_I love you, Hirugami Sachirou. I don’t want this game to end._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am in pain i will add more author notes in due time but i wanted to get this chapter out because it's HOSHIUMI'S BIRTHDAY WEEK (best boy) and also there's no hq chapter this weekend so i wanted to give everyone something who reads this something to look forward to. thank you to @noknockbacks, @biscuityskies, @babyamas, and @mangopanels for beta reading this chapter... i hope that i was able to convey kourai realizing his feelings well. i have also updated this fanfiction with an "angst" tag because i am told it will fit. 
> 
> ALSO ALSO here is the fanart that inspired me to write a scene with hoshiumi sleeping on hirugami on the couch: https://cindyhxd.lofter.com/post/1dfd0d4d_1c7c425d5 CindyHXD/XD79 is one of my favorite HiruHoshi artists ever PLEASE CHECK OUT HER WORK!!
> 
> ANOTHER NOTE THE BALDY BEAN REFERENCE IS FROM twitter user @bentomi7's hirumei (hirugami fukuro x meian shugo) high school rivals AU which is a masterpiece: https://twitter.com/bentomi7/status/1236243910801973252


	11. Relapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sad, if you do not like sad I would skim this chapter with caution.

_I don’t want this game to end._

Hoshiumi Kourai never forgot his first game of volleyball. It wasn’t volleyball in the traditional sense- he wasn’t able to get enough kids from his neighborhood together to form a six-man team and didn’t have the stamina to last a full set, but it was his first real taste of the sport. Finding an opening in the packed gym schedule, Hoshiumi and his cousin decided on forming 3-man teams where the first to 15 points would win. He didn’t even know what the different roles were called at the time, but the moment he heard the sound of the ball rebounding off his wrists, he thought to himself that it was the most beautiful thing he’d heard in his life.

He had tried other sports before like tennis, baseball, and even basketball with his brother Akitomo, but none of them had ever felt _right_ for him. Hoshiumi wondered if the day would ever come where he found the one sport where he could shine the brightest, when he came across volleyball. The moment he felt the stinging pain of the hard ball hitting his soft skin, he was hooked.

However, as soon as Hoshiumi fell in love with volleyball, his first game was over. Just like that. The moment the ball touched his side of the court, his cousins and teammates were eager to walk off the court, talking about getting ice cream afterward. All of the intense emotions they felt minutes before were gone. Enemies who once ruthlessly defended their side of the court became friends again, and no one could be bothered to remember what happened every single point. 

Hoshiumi was the only one who stayed on the court, holding the ball in a daze as his mind went through every single point they played. At the time, he couldn’t understand how everyone could forget so easily. But as he got older, he realized that it’s because to most people, volleyball was just a game, and every game ended when one side got enough points to win.

Volleyball was Hoshiumi’s first love, and it was a painful one. It was a sport that was stacked against him from the start, and the first few months, all Hoshiumi knew was losing and pain. The ball covered his arms with stinging bruises, and his opponents were always taller and more capable than him, but it was a pain he was willing to take. Because there was nothing more Hoshiumi loved than volleyball. 

However, at the end of the day, volleyball was just a _game._ It was a sad truth of the world, no matter how many different ways Hoshiumi looked at it. It was a neatly contained battle of wills driven by a goal to win that was locked away by rules that had to be followed to achieve victory. Almost like a well-conceived simulation of a battle that had a definite beginning and end. 

If heaven existed, Hoshiumi always joked that it’d look like an everlasting volleyball match. It was a sentiment that his teammates Kageyama Tobio and Ushijima Wakatoshi agreed with, and the first joke that Hoshiumi made that got a response from his teammates. The feeling of being in a game was indescribable, filled with the highest of highs and sometimes the lowest of lows. When Hoshiumi entered the court, all of the shackles of the real world fell behind him and all that mattered were his teammates, his opponents, the court, and the ball. It was a love that Hoshiumi never thought he would experience again. In fact, he was so used to playing volleyball that he’d forgotten the feeling of love entirely. 

That was until Hirugami Sachirou came back into his life. His trusted companion through middle to high school, and someone that Hoshiumi used to think, knew him better than anyone else. The past week as Hoshiumi entertained the idea of how being in love might feel like and it wasn’t until he spilled his heart out to a complete stranger who had the same feelings he had, that he realized he’d known all along what love felt like. Hoshiumi couldn’t help but laugh to himself as he thought of how his best self-realizations came from running his mouth at a rival.

Just like volleyball had hurt unbearably in the beginning, falling in love with Sachirou felt the same. Hoshiumi had entered yet another world where the odds were stacked against him, against an opponent who was far more knowledgeable about the game than he was. When it came to love, Sachirou was _better._ He knew all the right things to say and do to spin a web of love, and Hoshiumi could feel himself fly straight into it like a novice. On top of that, while the girls in Sachirou’s life were obvious targets for his affections, Hoshiumi couldn’t help but wonder if being his best friend, and another man to boot meant that the odds were stacked against him. He wasn’t like Ueno Matsuri, who honed attractiveness like a skill or Yamashita Rina, who had everything that he thought Sachirou would need in a relationship.

 _I want to be enough for you. Enough that you don’t feel like playing these games anymore when it comes to dating,_ Hoshiumi thought to himself, standing in a house that felt too big for him to be alone in. _But you keep looking for excuses to grow apart from me. Even if we did all of those things, you still want a real relationship too._

Kissing Hirugami Sachirou, holding his hands, sleeping in the warmth of his arms, and listening to Sachirou pour out his heart, all of those feelings felt more passionate and real than anything he’d felt before. But just like volleyball, this relationship was just a game. In fact, the longer it went on, it was a game that Hoshiumi felt like he was playing alone.

It was 2AM and Hirugami still hadn’t come home from going out with his friends. _Do promises still mean anything to you?_ Hoshiumi wiped the sides of his eyes with the sleeve of the jacket he borrowed from Hirugami. _You’re making me feel this way, so I don’t feel bad about dirtying up your jacket. I’ll take your bed too since you’re not using it,_ he thought spitefully. 

Giving up on sleeping in the living room, which was much too cold for Hoshiumi’s liking, he moved to Hirugami’s room. When they were kids, Hirugami and Hoshiumi used to share the same bed together without a single care in the world during their sleepovers, staying up to talk about random things from volleyball strategy to team gossip. It felt strange being in Hirugami’s room alone. The volleyball posters that used to decorate the walls of Hirugami’s room were replaced by informational posters of canine anatomy, a dog calendar, and a wall of pictures over his desk. Hoshiumi gravitated over to the wall, looking for himself in Sachirou’s memories.

In the center of it all, Hoshiumi spotted the infamous picture taken on Hirugami’s 20th birthday of the two of them, posing in front of Matsumoto Castle at night. Though Hoshiumi could hardly call what he was doing in the picture “posing”, because he was hanging off Hirugami’s arm with his eyes shut since he was fighting the urge to puke. _So you did keep this picture,_ Hoshiumi muttered to himself, remembering how he had tried in vain to make sure no one kept it.

It was a night that Hoshiumi could barely remember, as he bit off more than he could chew in alcoholic beverages in an attempt to out-compete Gao. The old Kamomedai team had come together to take Hirugami out to dinner for his birthday, fulfilling an old promise that their captain Suwa Aikichi made at 2013 Nationals. “Once you’re all old enough, let’s promise to get drinks together and share our walks of life!”

 _I used to hate this picture. I mean I look pretty terrible in it after all,_ Hoshiumi cracked a soft smile as he looked at the photograph with a new light. He remembered how he snapped at Gao for insinuating that he and Hirugami looked like “one of those tourist couples” after taking the picture on his phone, and demanding that the tall boy delete it immediately. Back then, all Hoshiumi cared about was how unflattering he looked, but for the first time, all he could see was Hirugami’s genuine smile.

_Sachirou, you looked so happy here. I wish..._

Hirugami’s warm brown eyes were filled with light, and his smile was so large that Hoshiumi could make out his dimples, even in the darkness of the night. Tearing his eyes away from the picture he wanted to stare at forever, Hoshiumi jumped into the comfort of the empty bed behind him, the image burned on the back of his eyelids. He burrowed himself in Hirugami’s sheets and shut his eyes, thinking to himself that they smelled just like Sachirou. Letting his imagination paint a picture in his mind’s eye, that sleeping in Hirugami’s arms would feel just like this, Hoshiumi’s heartbeat began to slow as he started to drift to sleep peacefully. 

_I wish that I can make you smile like that, at least one more time._

* * *

Early in the morning, Hirugami Sachirou was running back home as fast as he could in spite of his pounding headache from the night before. His heartbeat echoing in his brain with every step, he cursed himself as he realized that he left Hoshiumi on his own again. The running soon became sprinting as Hirugami started to berate himself.

“I’m such a coward,” Hirugami snapped to himself, thinking about how he elected to go off to karaoke with his friends instead of go home with Hoshiumi. There was a part of him that was anxious about being alone with Kourai, who tugged at his heartstrings unwittingly as he was trying to pull away. There was another part of him that didn’t want to know exactly how well Hoshiumi and Rina would hit things off, because Hirugami knew that she was much more compatible for his friend than Ueno Matsuri had been. In fact, the first thing that Hirugami saw when he woke up were a series of polite texts from Rina asking him to “thank Hoshiumi” for the evening before.

After Kourai had left dinner, Hirugami was inexplicably irritable; a mood that carried on to the late-night karaoke session with his friends. The girl that wouldn’t leave him alone kept trying to find excuses to touch him, something that Hirugami found “gross” and on top of that, kept singing at him directly off-key the entire time. She kept insisting that Hirugami stay over at her place after karaoke to get over his hangover, but he had enough before anything began. It was at that moment he finally understood why Hoshiumi would ever use a “kill block” on another person. Unable to take it anymore, Hirugami snapped in the most polite way he could, stringing together the best words his drunken mind could manage.

_“If my life depended on getting a girlfriend and you were the only girl in this world, I’d close my eyes and hope that the next thing I saw was God.”_

What happened next was completely out of his hands, and all he remembered was sleeping on a mat at his friend’s house. As the boys called their girlfriends to let them know they were staying over, the thought of calling Hoshiumi crossed Hirugami’s mind, but he shook it off. _I need to stop acting like we’re dating outside of lessons anyways. It’ll confuse us both._

However, when Hirugami woke up, his stomach dropped as he remembered that he _promised_ Hoshiumi that he’d be home that night. And if there was something that Hoshiumi cherished, it was promises. Until then, Hirugami had a track record of fulfilling these promises-- even their current arrangement arose out of a promise, but as his feelings for Hoshiumi waned, Hirugami found himself slack off for the first time.

“Kourai-kun!” Hirugami burst into his house frantically, looking around for Hoshiumi. The mound of blankets on the sofa were unoccupied, but Hoshiumi’s bag of clothes were still there. He had to still be around somewhere. _Don’t tell me…_

Hirugami walked into his room instinctively, coming face to face with Hoshiumi’s sleeping face, pressed against his pillow with his legs tangled around Hirugami’s sheets. Hoshiumi was a deep sleeper and an aggressive one to boot, but the soft sound of his kitten-like snores gave the false pretense of innocence. “Kourai-kun,” Hirugami breathed a sigh of relief.

Hoshiumi’s stark white hair looked golden in the sun as he slept peacefully. Hirugami wondered if it was safe to sit beside him, carefully tip-toeing around to the empty side of the bed, when he was startled by the sound of Hoshiumi’s voice.

“This bed is mine now,” Hoshiumi said flatly, his eyes still closed as he was playing asleep. He had been awake since the front door opened, but was waiting to see what Hirugami would do next. “You broke your promises.”

“Come on, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said, giving a defeated sigh. “My head is killing me and I need to lie down. I’m sorry for breaking my promise to come home last night. It won’t happen again.”

Hirugami flopped down in the bed next to Hoshiumi, who had hoarded up all of the blanket on his side of the bed, like an angry parasite. “I always wondered when the day would come where you’d go back on a promise. You say it won’t happen again, but this feels like just the beginning,” Hoshiumi grumbled. “Besides, there’s another promise you forgot about.”

“Oh?”

“You promised we’d play this game of pretend to the very end,” Hoshiumi said softly. “The weekend isn’t even over yet, but it feels like the only one playing it anymore is me. Do I matter less to you?”

A silence fell between the two, with Hirugami unable to find the words to reassure Hoshiumi. Even though they weren’t facing each other, Hirugami felt the same as if Hoshiumi was staring straight into his soul. It was true that Hirugami’s romantic feelings had faded over the past few days. The kisses they shared hurt less and less as Hirugami’s feelings became more numb. He started to finally accept his place in the universe as Hoshiumi’s best friend, a title that used to feel like a backhanded insult, and Kourai’s demands no longer felt like binding contracts. He even entertained the idea of starting to date other girls for real again, and yet…

There was still no one else Hirugami Sachirou was more afraid of than Hoshiumi Kourai. It felt as if the harder that Hirugami pushed away from the boy he used to love, Hoshiumi pulled even harder to call him back. It made no sense for Hoshiumi to act this way- after all, he was the one that stressed that they were, at the end of the day, just ‘best friends.’ 

“You’re right,” Hirugami said, breaking the silence. Hirugami found himself in another situation where no words could capture the right emotions he wanted to communicate to Hoshiumi, and moved close to him on the bed. “Come here, Kou. The game isn’t over yet.”

 _Why can’t I stay mad at you?_ Hoshiumi thought to himself as he moved closer toward Hirugami’s warmth, letting the taller boy wrap his arms around him. It only felt natural for them to rest together like this, searching for comfort in the other. After all, Hirugami and Hoshiumi’s friendship began exactly like that-- two lost boys who found themselves by meeting the other.

“Do you like this?” Hirugami asked, resting his head on Hoshiumi’s soft hair. “Let me know if you’re uncomfortable.”

“It’s fine,” Hoshiumi breathed, not wanting to admit that it was exactly what he wanted. He could feel Hirugami’s steady heartbeat against his back, wondering if Sachirou could read his mind. “It’s nice, I guess.”

Hirugami rested his head on Hoshiumi’s soft hair. “Does this count as an apology?” he asked, softly, holding Hoshiumi’s hand. “I promise I haven’t forgotten our arrangement. Even if it isn’t real.”

“Yeah,” Hoshiumi said, his heart sinking with Hirugami’s gentle reminder. He swallowed his feelings and gripped Hirugami’s hand again. “It’s just a game.”

 _Just like volleyball._ Hirugami thought to himself wistfully, remembering the game that used to define his entire life. There used to be a time he was so wholly immersed in volleyball that any mistake he made in a game translated to real life consequences. It was like his love for Kourai felt like. So much of his self-worth and identity came from following Hoshiumi like a guiding star, and only recently, he started to see what a life without that looked like. The game they were playing together was coming to an end.

“You’re getting a lot better at this game, too,” Hirugami said, “Really fast. You’ve always been a fast learner, especially when it came to volleyball. You left a great impression on Rina-san last night, you know? She texted me to ask me if you got home safely, and wanted me to pass along a ‘thank you’ for last night.”

“She’s… a nice girl,” Hoshiumi said, staring down at Hirugami’s hand in his, thinking about her confession to him. “I hope that she doesn’t get hurt.”

“Hm? So you’re not interested in her?”

“Well, it turns out she’s got her heart set out for someone else. Besides, V.League has me traveling and playing so much, I don’t know how often I’ll be in the area. It wouldn’t work out anyways, but it was nice to just talk to someone,” Hoshiumi felt no need to lie, figuring that if the universe was going to put Hirugami with someone, he hoped that it’d be Rina. “You can ask her more about that, her feelings aren’t mine to share.”

 _The way that I don’t feel relieved at all_ . _I really am getting over Kourai-kun, aren’t I? All those years of loving him really are falling away. It kind of hurts, I guess._

"I see. We’ll just try harder with the time we have left then, okay? There’s still a lot of girls out there and chances to fall in love. You never know when it’ll just happen either,” Hirugami said reassuringly. “Sometimes, you’ll just be jolted around left and right by life and all of a sudden, something will pull you back down to earth and come out of nowhere. Like some kind of spontaneous reaction. Some blinding light might come out of nowhere and change your life. I hope you’ll get to experience that, Kou. That’s how love felt for me.”

“Sachirou,” Hoshiumi said, his voice barely a whisper. “We can’t do things like this anymore once the game is up right? You know like… lie down here together and talk like this.”

“If you keep doing a great job like this and I get my life together,” Hirugami said. “We’ll have actual lovers to do these things with. You won’t need me to do these things anymore. Besides, if it gets out to _Nii-chan_ or your mom that we’ve been doing things like this the past week, it’d be awfully embarrassing right?”

“Maybe.”

“Anyways,” Hirugami said, letting go of Hoshiumi’s arms and hands. “I thought of another fun impromptu lesson for our game. To make up for having you wait so long for me. Are you interested?”

Hoshiumi shifted in the sheets, his mind racing. He wasn’t sure if he felt up to playing any more games with Hirugami now that he wanted nothing but the real thing. With time running out for both of them, Hoshiumi was grateful for any excuse to spend time with Hirugami, even under false pretenses.

“Sure,” Hoshiumi muttered under his breath, wondering if he’d regret his decision. “What lesson did you have in mind?”

* * *

Wakasato Park on a Sunday afternoon was the pinnacle of an idyllic scene. Boasting acres of grassy fields, trails, and bordered by trees that provided excellent shade, it was a popular location for family picnics and leisurely dog walks. When Hirugami told him that it was the chosen site for their next “lesson”, Hoshiumi assumed that it would be easy riding- a literal walk in the park.

That was, until Hirugami made a stop by a neighbor’s house to “pick someone up.” Wondering if Hirugami had scheduled another date without telling him, Hoshiumi waited outside the house in anticipation with Kotarou in tow. Before his imagination could start running wild, Hirugami returned with a snarling, fluffy white dog that thrashed around in his arms.

“Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said with a disarmingly pleasant smile that contrasted the image of snow-white beast that was scratching at his arms. “Meet my friend, Yuki-kun! He’ll be your companion for today.”

“Eh?” Hoshiumi stared down at the dog, who was squirming so wildly that he could barely make out its beady black eyes. Wrangling a small, wild dog wasn’t something Hoshiumi expected to do on what might be one of his last lessons with Hirugami. “Is this a joke?”

Hirugami gave a small chuckle. “I can explain, Kourai-kun. Every Sunday, I volunteer to walk my elderly neighbor’s dog since it’s the one day that her grandchildren aren’t free to and he’s a very excitable little guy. A bit of a handful, if you will. I’ll walk him for you until we get to the park, and then he’s all yours. He’s a Japanese Spitz. They’re quite a small breed,” he dropped the dog to the ground, taking care to untangle Yuki from his leash. “But very active and strong. Just like you, Kourai-kun.”

“Uh-huh,” Hoshiumi said, already irritated that Hirugami was comparing him to a savage animal. Under normal circumstances, Hoshiumi would have been fine listening to his friend ramble about various dog breeds and their temperaments, but he still felt a weight in his chest from their conversation in Hirugami’s bed.

Though he was by no means an expert at reading moods, Hoshiumi could tell that Hirugami was playing up his own happiness in an attempt to cheer him up. “So, what lesson about love is Yuki going to teach me today?” Hoshiumi said flatly. “Does he magically sniff out soulmates at the park?”

“Close actually,” Hirugami said. “Anyways, the dog park is full of girls who love coming up to dogs and their owners to pet them. It’s a great excuse for conversation and probably one of the most effective tactics for drawing people to you and setting a first impression. This dog in particular works like a magnet. Also Kourai-kun, couldn’t you have picked something else to wear? That’s not very conspicuous of you.”

Hoshiumi glanced down at his gold and white Schweiden Adlers jacket, emblazoned with his name on the back and an eagle emblem on his chest. “What’s wrong with standing out a little bit?” Hoshiumi protested, adjusting his collar with one hand. “Besides, I like this jacket. It feels like _me._ ”

Hirugami gave Hoshiumi’s jacket a cursory glance, a bittersweet thought crossing on his mind. _Golden and white. He really does look like an obnoxiously bright star in the sky, yelling “look at me.” How was I such a fool to think that there was a chance in the world that someone like me could admire it all to myself._ “It’s pretty flashy,” Hirugami replied, making a face. “I’ve always thought things that stood out too much were gross. Personally, I like when things are more subtle.”

Hoshiumi’s face fell in response to Hirugami’s remark. Subtle? If there was a word to describe the polar opposite of Hoshiumi’s entire personality and look, it would be “subtle.” Something about Hirugami’s remark felt scathing, even though Hirugami said it matter-of-factly. “I hope you’re talking about colors and not people,” Hoshiumi shot back. 

“Well, I guess it could apply to people. I’ve been surrounded by some pretty strong personalities all my life. Nii-chan, my sister, and I guess you as well, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said thoughtfully. “I mean, I enjoy spending time with you a lot, but we don’t see each other all the time. Walking a dog like Yuki-kun once in a while is fun here and then, but I can’t live with a dog like that. Ah, we’re here!”

They finally reached the park, reaching an area overlooking the expanse of the grassy fields in front of them. From their vantage point, Hirugami and Hoshiumi could see all of the people lounging in the grass, along with frolicking dogs of various colors, shapes and sizes. Hirugami took a deep breath, taking in the scenery. “Isn’t it nice, Kourai-kun?” he said, trying to get Hoshiumi to look at him. “The fresh air is doing wonders for my headache.”

 _This is killing me._ Hirugami thought to himself, as it became more obvious than ever than Hoshiumi was avoiding his gaze. “Kourai-kun? Are you alright? Here, let’s swap dogs.”

Even as they passed leashes, Hoshiumi still was making an effort to look away from Hirugami. _I gave you everything you wanted,_ Hirugami thought impatiently. _So why are you giving me the silent treatment?_

“Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said, his voice more urgent. “What’s wrong?”

“Sachirou, can you continue that thought you had back there,” Hoshiumi said, staring away into the distance. “You like more ‘subtle’ people right? I’ve been wondering this whole time… but what exactly is your type of girl?”

“What does this have to do-”

“Just answer my question.”

Hirugami took a deep breath. _Just exactly what answer is he looking for?_ “You mean like a girlfriend?”

“Yeah,” Hoshiumi said, trying to steady his voice. He felt as if he was playing with fire, asking a question that would end with an answer that would definitely hurt him. “Y’know, what’s your perfect girl?”

“I’ve been thinking about that a lot myself, actually,” Hirugami said, leaning against the fence with his hands balled up. “I never told you this, Kourai-kun, but the past few years I’ve been trying to get over someone.”

“Your mystery first love from Kamomedai?” Hoshiumi said with a grimace. He had wondered who out of the sea of girls that went to the high school had the honors of taking Hirugami Sachirou’s heart, but figured it was better if he never knew her identity. He already spent too much time obsessively searching up his opponents’ statistics, comparing them to his own.

“Yeah,” Hirugami said, feeling a weight come off his shoulders. As he was admitting to his own half-truth, it felt as if he was finally closing the chapter of his life that was hopelessly dedicated to loving Hoshiumi unnoticed. “It was all I could think about. For a while, I used to date people who had the same traits, but it never worked out. It made me realize that I wasn’t compatible at all with my ideal, which kind of helped me get over the fantasy.”

“Anyways, what I’m looking for in a girl now is pretty predictable,” Hirugami continued, smiling sadly to himself as he imagined the polar opposite of Hoshiumi. “Someone who’s not too crazy about volleyball and has other things going on in her life. I’m already surrounded by a bunch of volleyball freaks, and can just get my fix from you.”

_Stop._

“Not too loud, well-mannered. I think I’ve had too much excitement in my life. You know, everyone I know is off doing these crazy things, my future job is going to be super stressful…”

_Please._

Every word coming out of Hirugami’s mouth hit Hoshiumi like a hammer. “Sachirou,” Hoshiumi blurted out, unable to take it anymore. _I can’t take this._

_I don’t want any more lessons. I don’t want to waste time on anything that isn’t real._

“I can’t keep doing this anymore,” Hoshiumi said pleadingly, alarming Hirugami. “I-”

As they were wrapped up in their own world, Hirugami and Hoshiumi failed to notice the small scuffle going on between the two dogs in their stead. While Hoshiumi found himself at a loss for words to say, Kotarou let out a threatening bark that sent Yuki into a frenzy. Feeling a sudden jolt in the leash around his wrist, Hoshiumi almost fell over as Yuki took off running down into the field below them. He tugged back on the leash, only to feel it snap in his hands.

“Damn it!” Hoshiumi said, giving a hard look at Hirugami. “Stay here, I’ll take care of it!”

He hopped the fence and took off after the dog. A part of him was grateful for the temporary reprieve that the Universe gave him from one of the most stressful situations he’d faced in his life. Running past the crowds of people, chasing down the small white dog in front of him, Hoshiumi heard whispers in the crowd.

_“Hey, isn’t that The Schweiden Adlers’ Little Giant?”_

_“Yeah, that’s number 16. Wow, he really is that fast in person.”_

Hoshiumi was grateful that his athleticism was finally of practical civilian use as he closed in on the dog. “Lock on!” he thought victoriously as he prepared to leap in the air and grab Yuki, only to collide with something in front of him that he overlooked in his tunnel vision.

As Hoshiumi fell back in the grass, he could see stars in his vision. “Oh my gosh!” said a voice above him, looking down. “Are you alright?”

Dazed by the collision, Hoshiumi had never felt as far away from ‘alright’ in his life. All he could think about was Hirugami Sachirou and the words that came out of his mouth. _Sometimes you’ll be jolted around left and right by life, and all of a sudden, something will pull you back down to earth and come out of nowhere. I hope you’ll experience that for yourself, Kou. It’s how love felt for me._

 _No,_ Hoshiumi held his head. _No Sachirou, love is pain._

“Hey!” Hoshiumi felt something tug on his jacket. “Is this your dog? Wait… Hoshiumi Kourai?”

Hoshiumi opened his eyes, coming face to face with a strange girl, who had somehow managed to grab Yuki with one hand. “Huh?” he squinted, taking a good hard look at the brown-eyed girl in front of him. _Brown eyes… just like his._

_But kinder._

“I can’t believe it’s actually you,” the girl said with wide eyes.

* * *

His composure thrown out of the window as he tried to trace back Hoshiumi’s steps, Hirugami realized that he’d managed to lose Hoshiumi a third time this weekend. The park was mercilessly crowded that day, and he asked countless people on the grass if they saw a “white-haired boy chasing after a dog” to no avail. He searched around for almost an hour, panting as he remembered that Wakasato was at least several acres big. “Kourai-kun?” Hirugami called out, trying to look over peoples’ heads to spot Hoshiumi.

_Kourai-kun, what were you trying to tell me before you ran off?_

He wondered if Hoshiumi had gotten lost running after Yuki. Hirugami cursed himself under his breath, thinking about how much worse Hoshiumi must’ve felt for losing the dog. The mental picture of Hoshiumi being upset and alone made Hirugami immensely guilty, realizing that he had orchestrated possibly the worst weekend of Hoshiumi’s life. In his attempt to rid himself of his feelings for Hoshiumi, Hirugami had selfishly set up his friend for a series of unintentional failures. It was no surprise that Hoshiumi was so upset.

“Mom, look! It’s the Little Giant!”

 _Little Giant!?_ Hirugami whipped his head around, noticing that a large group of people were formed around something. “Kourai-kun?” Hirugami said loudly, running over to the scene.

What Hirugami saw next made his blood run cold. His worries that Hoshiumi was scared and alone dissipated immediately, as he saw Hoshiumi posing cheerfully with groups of younger fans. “Hey, don’t be shy, get closer!” Hoshiumi said motioning toward the shy child next to him. “Smile at Hana-chan!”

 _Did he just call a girl… -chan._ Hirugami felt as if the world had stopped and he was viewing Hoshiumi’s life without him. Holding multiple phones and cameras was a girl with short hair, frantically taking pictures of Hoshiumi with his fans. “I took about 10 pictures just in case,” she said. “Is that good, Kourai-kun?”

All of the feelings that Hirugami had repressed all weekend came flooding back. Last night, he was so sure that he had gotten over Hoshiumi for good. The thought of him falling in love with someone else was no longer a persistent pain, and he was so sure he had moved on. He had tried all day in vain to get Hoshiumi to smile, only to watch as he continued to bruise his friend’s ego in the process. Seeing Hoshiumi smile, for the first time all day, at a girl he had presumably just met, shattered Hirugami’s resolve. It was a feeling that Hirugami hadn’t experienced for a long time… not since the final point of that practice match where his hand was only inches away from the ball whizzing past him. The failed block that led him to blame his own hands.

“Sachirou?”

Hirugami didn’t realize how long he was standing there, spacing out. Hoshiumi noticed him in the crowd, his eyes staring out into the distance. For a moment, the two locked eyes for a long time. _It seems like the one that’s actually moved on… was Kourai-kun._ As Hoshiumi approached him with the girl following close by, Hirugami felt detached from what was happening in front of him, as if he was in a fog.

“Sachirou, you won’t believe who I ran into! Do you remember Hana-chan? She was on the Kamomedai Girls’ Volleyball Team. She’s a middle blocker, just like you…”

“She’s trying out for some Division 1 and Division 2 V.League teams. We’re going to do some blocking and spiking practice on Wednesday. You can come if you’d like.”

_Sure._

“Anyways, I told her that you might have some good ideas on improving your middle blocker game. Hana-chan, definitely listen to Sachirou. Everything I know, I learned from him. His brother is super good, too. Anyways, I’m starving. I’m going to go get some taiyaki for us to share. I thought I smelled a cart close by. Oh! I see it now. Wait a minute.”

Just as soon as Hirugami found him, Hoshiumi shot off like a shooting star, his vitality restored, leaving him alone with a girl he barely remembered from high school. He looked down at the bright-eyed girl in front of him. Something about her enthusiasm reminded him of himself in his old middle school days. He gave a weak smile in response, listening to her go off on every single little anxiety about blocking.

“I’ve always thought you were so cool, Sachirou-san!” she said. “I remember our coach used to have us watch your tapes from Nationals. Do you still play? Also your sister is amazing too!”

Hirugami never thought the day would come when he faced someone that was clearly interested in Hoshiumi, seemed to be able to converse with him like a normal human right off the bat, and was just as obsessed about volleyball. He couldn’t help but feel a sense of bitterness about the entire situation, thinking about how the end to whatever he had going on with Kourai was standing right in front of him. Hoshiumi had successfully found a girl he could talk to, and even invited her to something without needing Hirugami’s help at all. The realization that his game of pretend with Hoshiumi was finally coming to an end gripped Hirugami’s heart like a vise. And for the first time all weekend, Hirugami felt a sense of panic.

_I don’t want this game to end._

Though he was carrying a pleasant conversation with the girl on the surface, Hirugami felt like he was crumbling inside. It felt like there was nothing he could do. Except, there was.

It was a call to their high school days, the same move that Hirugami had pulled on Ueno Matsuri and countless others. Whenever another girl would express interest in Hoshiumi, he would take it on himself to divert her attention away from Kourai and to him. It was a selfish game that he’d abstained from for a long time, but as he faced the imminent threat in front of him, he found himself relapsing.

“I don’t normally share all my middle blocking secrets with everyone since my family would kill me, but you’re special,” Hirugami said, glad that Hoshiumi wasn’t around. “I’m surprised we never got to talk in high school.”

_I’m sorry, Kourai-kun._

Meanwhile as Hoshiumi went back with food in hand, he thought about how much happier he felt being acknowledged by so many people again. He never thought the day would come that he’d be readily able to make friends. In fact, when he joined the Schweiden Adlers, he struggled initially with getting along with some of his teammates, only being familiar with Kageyama from their Youth Camp days. As he made his way back to his friends, he thought to himself that if anything came out of the time he spent with Hirugami, he felt more confidence just talking to strangers and girls. They were people, just like him, and there was no need to enter every social situation on guard. It wasn’t a competition after all. Besides, it was comforting for Hoshiumi to be able to make a new friend so quickly. It was proof that he was truly growing from the old Hoshiumi, who would have told off the girl for being in his way.

“Sachi-” Hoshiumi called out before his voice fell as he saw Hirugami in the distance. 

Hirugami was standing over Hana with a charming smile on his face and the look in his eyes that Hoshiumi remembered from their reunion at the cafe. As Sachirou’s hand reached out to tuck a loose strand of hair from Hana’s face, Hoshiumi felt as if the wind in his body was knocked out of him. It was the same move that Hirugami had used on him days ago, one that made his heart race as Sachirou doted on him.

It wasn’t the first time that Hoshiumi had confronted how unfair the world was. It was the same cruel lesson that Akitomo taught him when they were kids as he easily spiked balls by virtue of being tall, while Hoshiumi struggled. Hirugami Sachirou was the type of person who really could date any girl he wanted to. The obstacles for Hoshiumi to win Hirugami’s love were far greater than any regular girls’. Girls could love Hirugami openly and proudly. The way the world was, Hoshiumi could not. Hirugami flirting with a random girl was more real than any of the romantic gestures that he shared with Hoshiumi. 

That thought alone, shattered Hoshiumi’s heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of update the past two weeks! I've been working from home and it's gotten a lot busy, plus I was really struggling with writer's block. I almost apologized for making this update too long, but people have reassured me before that they like long updates, so I hope you enjoy it! I'm so sorry if I made anyone sad :(. This was a pretty challenging chapter to write since I don't normally do angst, and I also personally want to see Hoshiumi and Hirugami happy together forever. If you do want some laughs, one thing that delayed this update was a joke thread I made of Hoshiumi x Jungkook on Twitter (https://twitter.com/Hoshiumeme/status/1255589102360997888) if you want to cheer yourself up after this. I also recommend @noknockback 's and @championstunic 's recent HiruHoshi fanfics, they kept me sane while writing this! 
> 
> Shoutout to Bri (@/ushijimwah on Twitter, a trusted and proven angst overlord), Court, and Nix for reading this over and helping me work through the block. Also thank you to artists who have drawn HiruHoshi from this fic-- I'd love to link your work in the comments if that is ok! Thank you to everyone who leaves comments on this work, I swear when I'm stuck I read through all of them and it gives me momentum. Expect another update from me 1-2 weeks! I have a clear idea on how it's going to end now. I promise I will make it worth it!


	12. The Mistake That Killed Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: minor injury, accidental self-harm, break-ups... there is nothing happy about this chapter, so just a warning.

Even though he’d left his days of volleyball behind, Hirugami Sachirou still associated the sound of the ball hitting the ground with mistakes. It was a cruel, jarring noise that reverberated in his mind, lingering as he remembered what he hated the most about mistakes— the fact that their consequences would haunt him long after the mistake was committed. As he looked at Hoshiumi, his expression betrayed his emotions of guilt for being caught.

Hirugami thought that he’d seen the last of his unhealthy relationship with making mistakes. They were inevitable and tolerable, as long as he loved what he was doing. But that logic stopped applying when it extended past veterinary school, and when it came to dealing with _someone_ that he liked. When he saw Hoshiumi Kourai slipping away from him before his eyes, Hirugami Sachirou acted out of fear. Even though Hoshiumi had just become acquainted with the girl who was already calling him “Kourai-kun”, Hirugami had thought too many steps ahead, recognizing this pattern of courtship well, as he had seen his own siblings go through it.

He knew from the day that he and Hoshiumi entered each others’ lives, their paths colliding in front of a cold stone wall, they were always destined to go separate ways. After all, Hoshiumi loved volleyball to the point of obsession, and Hirugami didn’t. As teammates on Kamomedai, they had a brief period of time where they grew together, maturing into unrecognizable people from their middle school years. However, Hirugami knew that it was inevitable that they would grow apart as Hoshiumi’s love for volleyball burned stronger and brighter each year. The hunger in Hoshiumi’s eyes for volleyball was the same light he saw in his siblings Fukuro and Shouko, and he knew it was the world Hoshiumi was destined to belong to.

His only relevant friends would be other volleyball players. Other high school bonds wouldn’t hold the same weight as teammates, managers, and everyone part of that “scene.” His entire social life would be insulated from the rest of society, because you become too famous to go anywhere without a ruckus and the public would start paying way too much attention to your personal life. Most volleyball players ended up dating each other, as they were the only ones that could truly “understand” one another, and Hirugami knew this all too well because that was how his own parents met. This girl was exactly the type of person to understand Hoshiumi. She was after all, part of that world too. In fact, Hoshiumi seemed genuinely interested and familiar with her already, a sign she had overcome the first step to getting along with his difficult personality.

All Hirugami had to do was watch as the stones fell in place, but the part of him that loved Hoshiumi Kourai and desperately feared losing him acted before Hirugami could think. It was the part of him that made mistakes against his better judgment. As Hirugami tried to grab hold of the thin string that still connected him to Hoshiumi, he pulled too hard. The bond between them broke just like that, a snap that disconnected years of memories they had woven together.

_It’s ironic, isn’t it. The boy who taught me how to let things go… is the one that I have to let go of._

Hirugami thought that he had long overcome his aversion to mistakes, but as he stared back at the reflection of his guilt in Hoshiumi’s eyes, he realized that he had made a mistake that would haunt him for the rest of his life. As he doted on the strange girl in front of him, Hirugami knew it was the same as when he would privately charm away Hoshiumi’s potential admirers. He always made sure to do it while Hoshiumi was out of the picture, knowing that what he was doing was inherently wrong and filled him with guilt. Every Valentine’s Day followed a routine: Hirugami would receive chocolates, Hoshiumi would get depressed over getting none and would lament about being liked for once, and Hirugami would be on the receiving end of his complaints. To soothe his conscience, Hirugami tried to rationalize that he was simply making sure that Hoshiumi wouldn’t encounter distractions as he pursued his goals.

This time at the dog park was different. As Hirugami touched the side of the girls’ face, he no longer felt any desire to hide what he was doing. They had been going back and forth with compliments, and she hesitated as her hair blew into her eyes, giving him an indication that she wanted him to act on it. The worst side of Hirugami wanted Hoshiumi to see it. He normally despised public displays of affection, but seeing Hoshiumi’s laugh belong to someone else was unbearable. 

_See Kourai-kun? This is who your best friend really is._

With Hana long gone as she left to rejoin her friends at the park, Hirugami and Hoshiumi were finally together, but alone with an insufferable wall of silence between them.

Hoshiumi stared at the ground, unable to handle looking at Hirugami. His small frame twitched and Hirugami braced himself for the full brunt of Hoshiumi’s righteous anger. He deserved to endure whatever outburst that Hoshiumi wanted to unleash on him, only to be confronted with an even worse sight. 

Hoshiumi looked up at Hirugami with tears rolling down his face. His expression was so miserable that it startled Hirugami, who backed away instinctively. _Wait, no. Anything but this._ “Kourai-kun?”

“Sachirou,” Hoshiumi’s voice was unsteady. Seeing a proud person like Hoshiumi looking broken for once was a disturbing sight. “How? How could you do this to me?”

Hirugami was torn between consoling Hoshiumi and feeling frustration. He was caught off guard by Hoshiumi’s unexpected reaction. Hoshiumi was an emotional soul, but usually expressed it in upset outbursts rather than tears. For Hoshiumi to cry, it had to be over something that he truly cared about.

 _You just met her… and you’re already this upset?_ Hirugami caught himself before saying those words out loud, realizing that bystanders were already staring at them. 

“Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said, his face completely stone-cold as he suppressed his emotions for Hoshiumi’s sake. If people recognized Hoshiumi and they had a fight in public, it could ruin his reputation. “Let’s talk about this when we get home. I don’t want to cause a scene in public. It’s bad for both of us.”

Hoshiumi stared up at Hirugami with anguished eyes. The absent look in Sachirou’s eyes felt like someone had splashed him with ice water. “I don’t care about how it looks. Why do appearances matter to you so much? The look on your face says it, Sachirou. You knew what you were doing.” Hoshiumi said, his voice getting louder. “Who are you anymore?”

_“Two boys fighting over a girl, it’s straight out of a movie.”_

_“I feel bad for the small guy, I almost want to root for him.”_

Hirugami felt so nauseous that he wanted to vomit. If he wasn’t the one causing Hoshiumi’s pain, he would have reached out to hold him tightly until he calmed down. Even so, he realized he wouldn’t be able to do that in public either. It wasn’t like his sister Shouko and her boyfriend who could hold hands and hug in public without a second thought. But whatever was unfolding between them, Hirugami knew he had to get Hoshiumi away from the public eye. “Please, Kourai-kun. Calm down. Let’s go home,” Hirugami said, reaching for Hoshiumi’s hand, but he slapped it away.

“Don’t touch me!” Hoshiumi yelled, flinching. “I don’t want to go home with you. I don’t even know who you are to me. Sachirou, why would you do this to me?”

_Why are you being so dramatic? All I did was flirt with her. It’s not as if you haven’t seen me doing this with people before. It’s not like someone belongs to you because you talk to them once. Kourai-kun, don’t tell me that you already care for this girl… you just met her!_

“Please, I promise I’ll explain when we get home,” Hirugami said, dropping to his knee, his voice pleading. “It’ll be the last time you’ll ever have to go back. You need to get your stuff anyways. Kourai-kun-”

“Don’t call me that.”

_I fucked up..._

“Hoshiumi-san,” Hirugami said, his voice wavering. “Everyone’s staring at us. Let’s take the dogs home and walk home together. One more time. You can yell at me as much as you want. You can take your hurt out on me, but not here. I need to take my dog home, too. Okay? I’ll listen to whatever you have to say. You never have to see me again, if you hate me that much.”

Hoshiumi’s heart dropped as he looked back at Hirugami. He felt like the biggest fool in the world, falling for someone who didn’t think twice about hurting him for reasons he couldn’t fathom. _This is the end, huh?_ Seeing the genuine sadness in Sachirou’s eyes, Hoshiumi couldn’t help but pity the man that just betrayed him. _You’ve taken my heart and broken it without realizing it, Sachirou. And yet, here I am… wanting to surrender to you one last time. Love really is the worst._

“Okay,” Hoshiumi said, choking back on his tears. “I’ll go home with you, but I don’t… I don’t want to see you anymore. You win this time. Are you happy?”

 _I’ve… won!?_ Hirugami had to bite his own tongue to stop himself from lashing out. He gripped both of the dogs’ leashes in his hand until his knuckles turned white as he felt a surge of annoyance. _So was this all a game to you about winning over girls? You’re so upset about losing and winning that it’s making you cry like this?_ “That’s fine,” Hirugami replied.

The last walk home felt unbearably long. Even though they were walking together in the company of two lively dogs, it felt as if they were walking in solitude. The buildings blurred into each other as Hoshiumi outpaced Hirugami at an alarming speed, with the latter ceasing all attempts at keeping up. It was as Hirugami had always imagined it-- Hoshiumi blazing past him like a shooting star, destined to stay in his sky for a few seconds before finding a home somewhere else past the mountains. He didn’t imagine that someday, he would be the impetus that pushed Hoshiumi forcefully out of his life, but it only felt deserving. As he dropped off Tarou at his neighbor’s house, Hoshiumi was already far out of the picture, not wasting a moment to collect his things from Hirugami’s house.

Folding up his clothes and the blankets on the sofa, tears stung Hoshiumi’s eyes as he thought about the coldness in Hirugami’s eyes and the fact that he had given up his heart to someone who hurt him. He recounted the incident that started the whole mess between them, the time that his teammates had poked fun at his lack of dating experience. He knew on the surface that it was just harmless, drunken banter that wasn’t meant to upset him as much, but there was something about the topic that breached Hoshiumi’s deeper insecurities.

To succeed in the harsh world of volleyball, an unfavorable environment to people like Hoshiumi, he _had_ to project an air of confidence to survive. As everyone around him lacked confidence in his abilities before even watching him play, Hoshiumi knew that the only thing he could guarantee was faith in himself. He was already surrounded with people that would nitpick his plays and mistakes and attribute it to his stature as if his failures fell within their expectations of short players. It was why he always kept his insecurities in life at bay, keeping them as secrets that he only confided to people he trusted. Apart from his family, the person he trusted the most was Hirugami Sachirou.

Hirugami had known about Hoshiumi’s insecurities about love, dating, and even socializing. It was difficult for Hoshiumi to find people he would be comfortable opening up to, and his abrasive personality, stemming from his overwhelming confidence, would often rub others the wrong way. He struggled to relate to others and fit in without having a medium. Even among Schweiden Adlers, Hirugami’s brother Fukuro would be the one to explain Hoshiumi’s behavior or privately help Hoshiumi understand what others were trying to say and think.

When it came to love, Hoshiumi spent all of high school never being the target of anyone’s affections that he knew about and watched Hirugami weave in and out of relationships. Watching his friend be loved and admired made Hoshiumi wonder what he was missing to not receive the same things. He wondered if it had to do with his personality, his height, or even his appearance as his peers would frequently make fun of his strange hair and eyes. However, he tried not to dwell on those feelings. After all, he had to remain confident no matter what as a matter of survival.

Then, everything fell apart when he realized he loved Hirugami Sachirou. He loved the way that Hirugami made him feel in their game of pretend. For once, Hoshiumi felt loved and special, even though Hirugami was just a good actor. The holes in his confidence that he took great care to cover up finally revealed themselves the more that he realized that Hirugami was moving away from him for reasons he couldn’t understand. But as he saw Hirugami leaning into Hana at the park with the same playful expression on his face that he pretended to show Hoshiumi, his world crashed down on him. The words that his mother and Ueno said finally made sense.

 _“You know Kourai, there are actually thousands of stars in that little patch of sky! You just can’t see all of them because the ones you can count are so bright, that they take all the light away. I_ _think Sachirou has been feeling a lot like those stars lately. You know with such a famous family, and a famous best friend, he’s always kind of been the forgotten one and for the first time, there’s this thing he’s better at than you are. So maybe that might be why he’s acting so strange!”_

_“Everyone who wanted to know Kamomedai’s famous Little Giant more had to go through the Immovable Hirugami. And he didn’t let anyone through.”_

When he saw Hirugami look back at him like a deer in the headlights, Hoshiumi knew that Hirugami meant to hurt him with his actions. It was a move that said clearly to him, _“I’m still better than you at this”,_ and worse, an act that Hirugami seemed eerily comfortable with doing.

The sun had already set outside and Hoshiumi texted his mother that he was on his way home. He barely noticed as Hirugami entered the house, calling out for him with words he couldn’t stand hearing. He stood over Hoshiumi who was kneeling on the floor, zipping up his backpack as he started to head out.

“Ko- Hoshiumi-san, please. Can we talk this out? I thought you two just met and I had no idea. If I knew how much it mattered to you, I wouldn’t have done it. I promise I won’t talk to her ever again if it upsets you so much.”

“You of all people should’ve known how much making connections on my own means to me,” Hoshiumi snapped, standing up immediately to close the gap between the two. “Or is that not enough for you? How many times have you done that before? It seems like you’re a real professional.”

Hirugami took a deep breath, shaking his head. “They don’t mean anything to me. I can barely remember their names. What does matter to me is our friendship, and I don’t know what I was thinking. I promise I haven’t done that since Kamomedai and I don’t know what came over me. If it ever comes to that again, I won’t overstep my boundaries.”

“That’s… even worse that you don’t think anything of them. It says a lot about who you are,” Hoshiumi huffed scornfully. He glared at Hirugami as he pressed forward. “Y’know it’s so funny, Sachirou. I came to you to ask you to teach me about love, thinking that because people loved you so easily, you had to be good at it. You only know of going through the motions of love, tricking people into believing that they’re special to you, because you feel like you don’t get that anywhere else. Isn’t that right?”

Hoshiumi’s words hit Hirugami like a sledgehammer, catching him off guard. “Is that really how you see me?” Hirugami countered, attempting to level his voice. Something about Hoshiumi’s words filled him with an urge to break something. “After everything we’ve gone through and what we’ve done for each other, this is how you see me? I think you’re really overreacting here, Hoshiumi-san. She’s not even your girlfriend and you’re acting like I just stole something from you. Besides, you have her all to yourself later this week. You can just _win_ her back from me, if this is all that you’re upset about.”

“It’s more than that,” Hoshiumi shot back, raising his voice. “That’s why you can do all these romantic things with pretty much anyone and it doesn’t mean a single thing to you. You’re completely incapable of love.”

Hoshiumi saying those words with complete certainty shook Hirugami to the core. He was bewildered at how _wrong_ Hoshiumi was, and yet so sure of himself that Hirugami couldn’t restrain his anger anymore. _If only you paid attention to more than just volleyball and yourself, you would have known better about what other people feel. But no, it’s always been about you, Kourai-kun._

_You never listened to things that I told you while I remember everything about you. I’ve just been a background character in your life. Is what I’ve done so bad, compared to the times you’ve hurt me with your own selfish attitude?_

_It’s just one girl, and you already think you can stand here and lecture me about love? Everything I’ve put myself through has been out of love for you!_

The words came out of Hirugami’s mouth before he could control himself.

“What do you even know about love? You’ve never been in a relationship before. Your only experience has been having _me_ pretend to be some ideal boyfriend to you so you can massage your bruised ego. Then, you get mad when you ask me to pretend and get upset that I’m lying to you, when you’re _asking me_ to lie!” Hirugami shouted, barely feeling like himself and unable to remember the last time he lost his cool. When it came to Hoshiumi, it felt as if all the rules that held him together no longer applied.

“All of those girls you think I’ve hurt knew what they were getting into. Just like you, I gave them exactly what they wanted… they want some cut-out of an ideal man to be next to them as a trophy; I wasn’t anything to them either. They don’t _know me_ and they wouldn’t have known you either! You’re just The Little Giant to them. I’ve been trying to save you from ending up in relationships like that, but you don’t even notice. Because you think this is about something as stupid as jealousy and competition, don’t you? Why would I ever be jealous of you anyways? You act like you know so much, but you can’t tell the difference between loving a person and loving volleyball, just like a kid!”

As the words left Hirugami’s mouth, he froze. He didn’t think it was possible to make an even bigger mistake than what had happened earlier. His heart seemed to slam against his chest as he realized what he had done. 

Hoshiumi gripped the strap on his backpack tightly, giving Hirugami a hard look. He never thought it was possible to feel this much pain, trumping over every physical injury he had ever experienced. Knowing that Hirugami didn’t see Hoshiumi as “enough” was too much for Hoshiumi already. But Hirugami looking down on him just like everyone else further worsened the wounds he desperately tried to nurse.

“You know Sachirou… for the longest time I thought I was unworthy of love. I wondered if it was because I wasn’t tall enough or handsome like you are, or if I just can’t get along with people to save my life. I tried not to think about it too much because someone like me can’t afford to lose faith in myself. Not when the world is already trying to tear me apart. I thought you were someone I could trust with everything. It’s why I could do all these things with you and it just felt right. You were my first friend Sachirou, but I wish you could’ve told me sooner that this is all you think about me. Maybe this was why you were so great at spotting decoys— because you were the biggest decoy of them all. I… can’t bear to look at you anymore. I hope you have a good life.”

Hoshiumi started moving toward the door as it sunk in that this was the last time he was probably going to be in Hirugami’s house. It was as if the years that they had spent together as boys, once sacred memories, would only exist to haunt him later. _It feels like the only dignity I have left is that I haven’t told you that you played me so well that I… even I’ve fallen in love with you._

Before he could leave, he felt something jerk him from behind as Hirugami grabbed the bottom of Hoshiumi's backpack. “Let me go!” Hoshiumi yelled, alarmed at Hirugami’s reaction.

“I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t want you to think any of that was true, I’m sorry, I was just frustrated,” Hirugami said. “Please don’t think that you’re unworthy of love because I-”

As he watched the light in his life leave, every cell in Hirugami’s body wanted to yell out what the truth was even though it was the most awful time in the world to say it. _I loved you the whole time. It was always you, Kourai-kun. There was no one else._ Those were the words that he wanted to say, but as he saw how much he had already hurt Hoshiumi, he finally realized why he couldn’t ever bring himself to say them out loud. _But…_

_You deserve better than me._

Hoshiumi deserved to have a love that he could show off to the world. A love without betrayal or hurt, unlike what had happened between them. Someone that he could hold hands with in public, have a grand proposal, loudly brag about to everyone that he knew. It would be what made Hoshiumi the happiest. Nothing would be more selfish than to pull Hoshiumi back to him with some out-of-place confession out of desperation to not lose him.

Hirugami decided that his final act of love would be one of silence. This game of push and pull had hurt both of them in irreparable ways, and if there was a lesson that Hoshiumi Kourai taught him that he swore he’d never forget, it was the act of letting go.

“I think that you’ll find someone that loves you, Hoshiumi-san. I know that you will make them very happy. You are worthy of love.”

“Please,” Hoshiumi said, without sparing a single glance at Hirugami. “If you really care about me, just let me go home.”

Hirugami let go of Hoshiumi’s backpack, the lights of day finally faded away as night fell upon them. 

_Good bye, Kourai-kun._

Hoshiumi’s bangs fell into his face as he ran as fast as he could from Hirugami’s house, feeling his hot tears streak his face. He stopped as he reached the bottom of the hill, glancing over his shoulder at what he left behind. A part of him wanted to run back and check on Sachirou as a sudden thought crossed his mind that his friend used to possess a self-destructive streak at times like this. _He’s not like that any more. He’s changed,_ Hoshiumi reassured himself. _Sachirou will be fine. I think I will be too._ He pulled out some tissues from his backpack, wiping at his face. He looked at his phone, which alerted him of a worried text from his mother.

“Sorry Mom. I guess I did give away my first kiss to the wrong person after all.”

* * *

Hirugami lost track of the time that passed after Hoshiumi left. The whole ordeal left him in a daze, as he felt more lost than ever. Now that he was left with a starless sky, the future ahead felt uncertain and empty. “It finally happened,” Hirugami said, looking out at the window into the empty darkness before him. “Kourai-kun is gone.”

The years that he spent worried over how every little action would affect his friendship with Hoshiumi and the anxiety he had over potentially losing him were finally relics of the past. He used to have nightmares about this very moment that left him in cold sweat, but when it finally happened, he couldn’t get himself to feel. The feeling of numbness was alienating as Hirugami yearned for the ability to feel something. To cry, to feel pain, just anything instead of the nothingness that settled in his stomach.

It was as if a part of him died when Hoshiumi left, and Hirugami felt like doing something drastic to feel alive again. Running a hand through his brown hair, he had an errant thought about cutting it all off. _Maybe I should go bald again. It’d be a callback to less complicated times. I could be like a monk or something, and swear off love forever_ , he thought, thinking about how girls didn’t start noticing him until he started to grow it out. He pulled out his phone and started endlessly scrolling through his directory, lingering over Hoshiumi’s name and contact. He felt nothing as his eyes glazed over the contact photo he used for Kourai, an unflattering close up of his scowling face from their times in high school that he never changed. Their messages probably dated back to the beginning of the decade, filled with memories like all of the times Hoshiumi would ask for homework help, long conversations talking about their futures, and pictures that gave glimpses into their new lives.

“I won’t need these any more,” Hirugami said quietly, deleting their years worth of conversations in seconds and removing Hoshiumi’s contact information.

_“Hirugami-kun? Are you doing anything tonight?”_

Texts from one of the girls in his classes popped up as he erased Hoshiumi from his phone, thumbing through pictures he had saved of them. _Kamomedai Reunion. Going to the arcade with him and Nii-chan. Kourai-kun trying to feed pigeons. New Year’s pilgrimage._ Hirugami opened the text messages, grimacing as he noticed he had several unread messages from the same girl asking for the same thing. A fleeting thought crossed his mind that maybe having a companion for the night would fill the void he felt from Hoshiumi leaving, but frowned at how off-putting it sounded.

_“I’m busy every night. Don’t text me unless it’s related to classes. Sorry.”_

Normally Hirugami would mask his blunt remarks in a more courteous way, but at the moment, he felt as if nothing really mattered. In fact, he felt envious of people who could get their feelings hurt. At least it felt like something. He felt a sense of restlessness as he juggled the intrusive thoughts in his head. It felt as if he could do anything in that moment and be immune to how the consequences felt.

Getting up from the couch quietly to not disturb his dog who was sleeping at the other end, Hirugami decided to move into his room. He gazed at the bed, thinking about how only hours ago, he and Hoshiumi were lying down in it. He could still remember how small Hoshiumi felt in his arms, and the feeling of his back against his chest. Was it really less than 10 hours ago? It felt like an eternity.

Turning away from the bed, Hirugami faced the pictures on his wall. At least half of the pictures had something in them that featured Hoshiumi or something that Hirugami associated with him. “I should get rid of these too,” Hirugami said nonchalantly. “What are these memories worth any more?”

As he started to take them down, his eye caught on the picture of Hoshiumi drunkenly clinging onto his arm in front of Matsumoto Castle at night on his twentieth birthday. Unable to stand still for the picture as he swayed back and forth, Hoshiumi’s head looked like a little white blur as Hirugami stared straight into the camera smiling. It was his favorite picture of the two for a long time. It really felt like them. He remembered dangling his phone over Hoshiumi, who demanded Hirugami to delete it because it wasn’t the best picture of him and Gao laughing at how they were like an old, married couple.

_“Sachirou, I really feel for your future wife. She can’t hold a candle to Kourai,” Gao said teasingly, as Hoshiumi gave him a middle finger._

_“Whoever she is, I’ve known Sachirou for longer,” Hoshiumi said, sticking his tongue out. “No matter how much time she spends with him, I’ll always win.”_

Hirugami moved his hand toward the photograph, the only framed one on his wall and thought about what to do next with it. _I want to throw this out of the window._

_“Sachirou! You better delete that picture,” Hoshiumi pouted, flitting around him like a bird. “I look super ugly. We can take better ones later! Come on… I look like I’m one of those damsels in distress in the samurai movies or something. You can’t even see my handsome face!”_

_“Well, I think I look good in it. You forgot my birthday present, so this will have to do.”_

_“Hey, I told you that if I win a tournament this year, I’ll buy you a car!”_

_“I take the train anyways, I don’t have any need for a car. Try again.”_

_“Fine, you can have my friendship for the rest of my life! There’s your present. Isn’t that the greatest one of all? Being Hoshiumi Kourai’s bestest friend ever? I’ll give you a shout out when I’m famous!”_

Hirugami’s hand started to shake as he remembered that train ride home back from the party. He recalled examining that photo of him and Hoshiumi, unable to repress the smile plastered on his face. Gao was right, it really looked like they were a couple, something that Hirugami had dreamed about countless times to cheer himself up. A memory like this was the best thing that he could have gotten for his birthday, and though he deleted it off his phone as per Hoshiumi’s wishes, he did so after he sent it to the local photo shop to get it printed and framed.

“Stop,” Hirugami said to himself, as memories of Hoshiumi continued to flood his brain, one after another. He tore at the pictures around centerpiece, ripping them off his wall with fervor. Their middle school team picture, the picture that Hoshiumi took when he stopped by Hirugami’s dorm the time he had a match in the area, and lastly a picture of him and Hoshiumi standing in front of the steps at their middle school taken by a random passerby. The place where they would come together, watch the sunset, and talk earnestly about their plans for the future and what was on their minds. “I don’t want to remember them any more. Make it stop.”

_“No matter what happens Sachirou, let’s return to this place every year and watch the sunset and see how much we’ve grown. We might not be teammates any more but… let’s make a promise to be in each other’s lives forever.”_

In a desperate attempt to shut out Hoshiumi’s voice in his head, Hirugami slammed his hand into the wall hitting his hand against the framed photograph so forcefully, the glass covering it shattered, falling over his desk. An excruciating pain pulsed through his hand that jerked Hirugami out of his reverie, the shock bringing tears to his eyes. The detachment to his surroundings began to wear off as he immediately sprung to action to stop the bleeding. It was fortunate that as a veterinary student, Hirugami always had gauze and medical equipment somewhere in his room or in his school bag.

As the detachment faded, Hirugami felt his mind resurface as he started fully processing what had happened. He inspected his knuckles which were badly cut, and from a glance he could already tell he needed stitches. Wrapping tape around the gauze on his hands by holding it in between his teeth, he remembered how Hoshiumi would help him tape his hands back when they were teammates. _How did he do it again? He was always such a good helper,_ Hirugami thought as he wound the tape around his fingers, the numbness giving way to pain. He averted his eyes to stop the tears from soaking into the gauze as they started to drip onto his hands. _It’s so hard doing this alone._

Unsatisfied with his makeshift job, Hirugami stood up too quickly, his head still dizzy from everything that happened. He learned again the wall for support as he breathed heavily, sorting his feelings in his mind. _I hurt myself… I said some awful things to Kourai-kun out of frustration without telling him where that frustration came from... I lost him… I didn’t feel anything… but now I’m feeling everything. I fucked up and I hurt both of us. I feel like my head is going to explode… I hurt my right hand so I won’t be able to do surgical practices for a while and I can barely wrap this tape without pain._

_How much is this mistake going to cost?_

“What have I done?”

Staring at his reflection in the broken glass, tears started rolling down Hirugami’s face at last as he slid down the wall and sat on the floor. His love for Hoshiumi, a feeling that he thought had gone away, was back in full force as he recalled the smile of the boy he loved. Finally, the tears and honest feelings that he wished he could’ve shown Hoshiumi hours ago poured out like a waterfall. “I was terrible to you Kourai-kun,” he said, his heart filled with pain. “You didn’t deserve any of this. You’d be so mad at me if you saw me right now, but I promise you…”

Hirugami swallowed as he looked back down at his hand and back at his phone. “I promise you that was my last mistake,” he said, deciding what to do next. He scrolled through his phone book, thinking of who to call next as he lingered on three people he could trust; his friend from classes, his most reliable study partner Rina, and his brother. He couldn’t go wrong calling any of them, but made a choice in his head, bringing the phone to his ear.

After two rings, the other person picked up. “Sachirou? I was just about to sleep. Are you alright?”

Hirugami Fukuro had his own apartment in the city that he usually stayed in during the off-season. He was the sibling that Hirugami could trust to keep a secret, as Shouko was usually nosier and would let things slip to their parents.

“Nii-chan,” Hirugami said, trying to swallow back the tears that were threatening to choke him. His non-dominant hand shook violently as he struggled to get a grip on his phone,“I’m sorry to bother you at this time, but I’ve hurt myself pretty bad. Can you come over? I’ll explain when you get here. I need someone to take me to the emergency room.”

_Recovering from this mistake will take a long time, but I’m going to be alright. I’m going to be okay, because of what he taught me._

_I’m sorry for all the pain I put you through Kourai-kun. I hope that someday, there’s a place in the world for us to be friends again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sad.... i am kind of worried about how this chapter will be received, but thank you to jun, sara, and court for talking me through it and bri giving me really good feedback on writing the argument portion. i still can't believe it got to ~6k words at this point, but i PROMISE the pain will have meaning. also i want to thank my readers for everything, for following this story and im still so shocked that so many people have read it, i really wasn't expecting an audience and was nervous about publishing a fanfic again but all of you have really encouraged me. i am so grateful and feel free to talk to me any time about it! i've made so many friends through this and am really happy with the reception. you're all the best and i hope not to let anyone down!
> 
> the backpack scene is what hurt me the most... because in the beginning... hoshiumi pulled on hirugamis backpack...
> 
> sad thoughts (feel free to skip): it was really hard for me to write, but i hope that it was worth waiting the two weeks for! i felt like this was a moment that was been built up to, because these two have been lying to each other so much that it was bound to hit a critical point of misunderstanding. it's hard adding the realism of what their relationship would face in the real world, along with just the feeling that they're playing a game where they have to protect their feelings without admitting defeat to the other or jeopardizing their relationship. yes i want to shake both of them and have them talk, but now wasn't the time for that. however i will say that the moment it happens is what the fic was written for. my update schedule has been largely inconsistent because (1) it takes a lot of time for me to write in general (2) work has really ramped up for me since i haven't stopped working full time and work on pretty critical things... i guess in my profession, if i make a mistake, people could very well die (lol.) sometimes i get things like "i've been waiting forever for you to update" and it kind of makes me anxious-- trust me i am working on it and always thinking about it. i know it's not meant to be rude, but just wanted to say that i am always working on this! usually i stay true to my 1-3 weeks of updating, given that my last update was 2 weeks ago. 
> 
> happy thoughts: first off, I am still in shock that we got a HiruHoshi moment in Chapter 393... I was not expecting the Hoshiumi POV so soon so when I opened the Viz app and saw Hirugami and Hoshiumi standing at the OLD PLACE together I actually thought I was having a fever dream. i think their relationship/friendship is absolutely beautiful and that it was so meaningful that it goes both ways; this time hirugami was comforting hoshiumi. i am so glad hoshiumi got such a badass chapter and am still thinking about it today. ALSO INTERVIEWER-CHAN HAS A NAME fumi enaga!! and she is beautiful! also hoshiumi's face when he recalled what sachirou taught him before that spike-- was so soft for a character who usually is very expressive and lowkey feral. thank you furudate for showing us how loved hoshiumi is in canon he is such a great character. also hirugami really is living his best life as a vet.
> 
> thank you for reading this highly emotional chapter and hope that I've tagged everything accordingly. please feel free to leave comments, i normally do not write angst (for those who follow me on twitter... i am a shitposter LOL) but sometimes the story kind of guides me in another direction. also let me know what songs go well to this fic i want to know!! also PLEASE FEEL FREE to share excerpts on twitter someone asked me if that's ok with me and it is!! im so honored anyone talks about this fanfic in the beginning!! anyways sorry for the long author's note, i hope everyone has a good day and i did tear up a little bit writing this. i can relate to the numbness so well.
> 
> edit: expecting to update by around june 5th-- but not 100% sure since I've been bogged with work T_T  
> edit 2: updates may take longer than usual given the current situation the U.S. is facing and i have been trying to stay as active as possible regarding this. sorry, but just wanted to keep everyone informed!


	13. Falling In/ Falling Out

The fragrant smell of incense filled the warm air as Hirugami Sachirou stared at the ground beneath his knees. With his hand wrapped in a cast, he relied on Fukuro to light and carry his incense as they knelt before the altar, asking for blessings from the gods. “Remember Sachirou, try to limit yourself to one or two big wishes,” Fukuro said seriously, after tossing some coins into a wooden box. “Focus on your speedy recovery and your studies. If you ask for too many wishes, the gods will think you’re greedy. Remember what grandma used to tell us?”

Hirugami resisted the urge to roll his eyes. The time he spent away from his siblings and parents, he forgot that his family was needlessly superstitious, as were most athletes. Those who worked in sports were more concerned with health and physical fitness than the average person, and as a result, constantly worried about events that happened out of their control. Visiting the shrine after any injury was a Hirugami family tradition, one that Sachirou always found bothersome and impractical, as healing was a bodily process rather than the doing of the gods. He tried to convince Fukuro of this logic, but his older brother remained steadfast in upholding the tradition.

“Yeah,” Hirugami muttered, fixing his gaze on the stone ground. 

_What do I even want?_

As Fukuro uttered his prayers with certainty, Sachirou still felt unsure if he was even worthy of asking the gods for anything. Even if he didn’t believe in faith and Fukuro had outlined Sachirou’s prayers so clearly, Hirugami was overcome with a sense of shame that left him without words. In a single act of selfishness, he had ruined love for the person he thought deserved it the most, and inconvenienced countless people along the way. Every time he closed his eyes, he could still remember the pain and hurt in Hoshiumi’s voice and his expression at that final breaking point.

 _I don’t want anything for myself,_ Hirugami thought, the pain coming back to him. _I just want Kourai-kun to be happy again._

For the first time in his life, Hirugami truly hoped that the gods could hear him as he whispered a prayer under his breath. He was never one to enjoy expressing sentiments out loud, especially romantic ones as he found discomfort in voicing his feelings. However, he had reached a point of desperation where his discomfort mattered less.

“Please take care of Kourai-kun, and guide him to a love that will never hurt him again. One that will be free from lies, one that will last forever, and make him the happiest. Give all the luck that you’ve given me to Kourai-kun. I don’t want anything for myself, except maybe a long life for my dog,” Hirugami whispered. “That’s all.”

* * *

_Did everything we went through together mean nothing to you?_

Sitting on his bed, Hoshiumi felt as if the wind was knocked out of his chest as he went through his phone. It had been three days since their fallout and the longest that Hoshiumi had ever gone without talking to Sachirou. He tried in vain to pretend to everyone around him that things were still normal, avoiding his mother’s questions about the weekend and returning to his regular exercise and practice routines. An invasive part of his mind wondered if Hirugami had already moved on without mentioning anything. Against his better judgment, Hoshiumi curiously went through his social media only to search up Hirugami Sachirou’s name and find…

Absolutely nothing. It was as if a person with that name never existed on Hoshiumi’s end. As he frantically searched for pictures and memories that they had left littered online, they were all gone.

“Sachirou,” Hoshiumi said, on the verge of collapse. He wiped his face with the back of his palm, wishing he could stop feeling. It was clear to Hoshiumi that Hirugami had taken the care to block him on everything, and thoroughly remove any proof online that they had ever been even friends. The action felt so cold and calculating that the tears Hoshiumi had done a good job holding back the past few days began to reappear. “I never knew you were so cruel.”

_Even with him, I was just dispensable because I wasn’t enough. At the same time, I want to know how he’s doing right now… is he okay? Should I ask Captain to check on him?_

Before Hoshiumi could despair further, he heard a soft knock on his door. “Kourai?” his mom’s voice called outside. “Are you free right now?”

 _Great timing, Mom._ Hoshiumi thought to himself sarcastically, throwing aside his phone. “No,” he said flatly. “I’m busy.”

“No you aren’t,” his mom said obnoxiously, continuing to knock. “Don’t lie to me Kourai! I know that V.League doesn’t give its players homework during the off-season! What are you really doing right now? C’mon! You’ve been spending way too much time in your room or the gym! You’re worrying your mom here! Hoshiumi Kourai!”

Once his mom got started, it was hard to get her to give up. Hoshiumi gave a deep sigh and got out of bed. Scowling, he opened the door to face his mother.

“Hi Mom,” Hoshiumi said flatly, hoping that it wasn’t obvious that he had just been crying.

His mother’s face softened as she saw her youngest son’s face. “Oh Kourai,” she said, putting a hand on his cheek. “I’ve been worried about you the past few days, but if you don’t want to talk about what’s on your mind, it’s fine. I was just thinking it’s been a while since your last haircut!”

 _It’s impossible to sulk in this house because you can count on Mom to always be in everyone’s business,_ Hoshiumi thought grumpily. He glanced at the mirror in the hallway back at his reflection, noticing for the first time that his hair had grown past his ears again. He brushed his bangs out of his eyes gingerly, figuring that his mother had a point. “Okay,” Hoshiumi said quietly.

Sitting on a chair in their living room, Hoshiumi faced the bright, sunny day outside as his mother wrapped a towel around his neck to catch the hair. “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it Kourai? A good time to go out with friends!” she said teasingly, giving him a playful nudge. “Did you get to go outside this weekend?”

Hoshiumi let out a small _hmph_ , feeling as if the idyllic day outside was taunting him. “Yeah. A little bit,” Hoshiumi said, thinking about the disastrous outing to the dog park.

A rare silence settled between Hoshiumi and his mother as she meticulously cut away at the ends of his hair. Hoshiumi’s hair fell onto the towel like soft white feathers, brushing his neck lightly. Something about the sound of light snipping noises gave Hoshiumi a sense of ease. His body had been tense for the past few days, with his muscles in knots.

“You know, whenever I’m feeling down, I like to give myself a haircut,” Hoshiumi’s mom said pleasantly. “It just feels like a fresh start, you know? Like you’ve been holding on to all of this hair for so long, and you just want to let it go. Start anew.”

The old Hoshiumi used to struggle and bicker with his mother over her strange, quirky sayings that he didn’t understand, but today, her words felt different. “I know what you mean, Mom,” Hoshiumi said, forcing a chuckle as he thought of all the things he wanted to let go. A lump formed at his throat as he remembered the sensation of Hirugami running his hand through his hair. How their last heart to heart talk went, with Hirugami pressing his face onto the top of his head. These memories seemed to fall away with each clump of hair.

“You have such pretty hair, Kourai,” his mom mused, ruffling her son’s hair fondly.

_“You have such pretty hair, Kourai-chan.”_

The first drop of rain was always unexpected. No matter how hard Hoshiumi worked to keep his mind clear and still, the rain would come at the most unexpected times, freezing him in his tracks. The tight feeling in his chest returned as he glanced back at his mother with a helpless look. “Thanks. I get it from you, Mom,” he said, repeating the same words he had said to Hirugami back at the cafe. 

“Kourai…”

Once the rain started, it was impossible to stop. Before Hoshiumi knew it, words poured out of him as he told his mother everything that had happened between him and Hirugami Sachirou. It was as if he was a child again, confessing to his mother how weak and powerless he felt facing a formidable opponent. Except instead of his brother or some tall, faceless person on the other side of the net, his opponent was love itself.

“I’m sorry,” Hoshiumi said, his voice breathless from rambling. He noticed the shock in his mother’s face as he admitted his feelings for Hirugami, realizing that it was the first time he had ever said those words out loud to another person. “That kind of came out of nowhere, huh? I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying. You probably didn’t want to know any of th-”

Hoshiumi’s mother emphatically drew her son into a tight embrace, knocking the wind out of him again. “Oh Kourai,” his mother said, growing emotional herself. “You don’t have to apologize to me at all. Who you fall in love with is something that you can’t control, and I’m sorry things between you and Sachirou-kun had to be that way. Now, I’m not going to say it wasn’t a stupid idea in the first place, Kourai, but you probably already know that.”

“I think I’ve known for longer than I wanted to admit,” Hoshiumi said, a sad knowing smile crossing his face. “The past few days, I’ve been thinking about it and why this hurts so much. I think a part of me has always liked Sachirou that way. I think it’s why I asked him of all people to do these things with me in the first place. I just feel like when I’m with him, nothing else matters. Whenever it’s just me and him, it feels like we’re the only people in the world. That sounds so self-centered, doesn’t it…”

“That’s how love feels, Kourai,” his mother said, taking a deep breath. “And that was one crazy way of experiencing it. I’m sure you and Sachirou were both really confused toward the end.”

“Maybe he was, but I wasn’t,” Hoshiumi said, facing the cold hard truth. “I know how I feel about him. I think he didn’t know how to let me down and was just avoiding the subject. Besides, love is supposed to hurt, right?”

To his surprise, his mother shook her head. “Where’d you get an idea like that, Kourai? Love _isn’t_ supposed to be anything. It’s a unique experience from person to person, but it certainly doesn’t have to hurt. Love only hurts when the two people involved are hiding things from each other.”

“Well, it’s too late for any kind of talk now,” Hoshiumi muttered, thinking of how Hirugami had removed all channels of communication between the two. “It’s clear he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again. Guess I’ve already failed my one and only chance at true love.”

“Kourai, listen to yourself,” his mother said exasperatedly. “This isn’t volleyball where if you make a mistake, it’ll haunt you for the rest of your career. People can fall in love many times. Heck, your dad isn’t even my first kiss! Does that make me a failure?”

“N-no…”

“Good answer, son! I think this whole ordeal has left you confused. You probably don’t see it yourself, but with the world at your fingertips, there are so many opportunities to fall in love again for someone like you,” his mother said bracingly, patting his back. “I think you’ve forgotten who you are.”

The more his mother rambled on, the more confused Hoshiumi got. “Who I am?”

“You’ve been friends with Sachirou for how long now? 12 years? You’ve almost spent half of your lives together. When you’re with someone for so long, you start growing into each other. Your sense of identity gets blended!” his mother said. “Now, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes you forget who you are without them.”

_Who I am… without Sachirou?_

“Right now is a great opportunity for you to start anew, Kourai. What happened between you and Sachirou-kun is definitely awful, and I don’t blame you for taking some time to grieve, but this could also be a fresh start for you,” his mother said brightly, taking his hand. “You’re strong in mind and body, Kourai. I gave you the name ‘incoming light’ because it means that even in the dark, you’ll find your way in the end. Actually who am I kidding? I just named you that because it was cool. A real _kirakira_ name! Hah!”

“You’re losing me, Mom.”

“Sorry Kourai, but right now is a great time to lean on your friends. Do you have any plans for the week with anyone else now that your schedule is more free?” she asked curiously. 

Hoshiumi gave a small pout, remembering the promise he made to Hana. “I’m meeting with that girl from the park soon. Her name is Hana. I said I’d help her practice before tryouts and she seemed pretty interested in getting to know me before er… things happened,” Hoshiumi said steadily. 

“What do you think of her?” his mom pressed on, as Hoshiumi made another face.

“She’s pretty nice, knows a lot about volleyball, and I guess she’s… cute.”

“Oh!” Hoshiumi’s mom clapped her hands together. “Why don’t you ask her to the big fireworks festival at the end of the week. I went there with your dad when we were younger. It’s a beautiful display, right by the river. There’s lots of food there, if you remember…”

“...and a lot of couples,” Hoshiumi grumbled, remembering how as a kid he was embarrassed at the sight of couples walking together in yukata. “I don’t know if I’m ready to go on a date again, but I’ll think about it.”

He paused, still feeling uneasy as he weighed another thought in his mind. “Anyways Mom, I wanted to ask. It doesn’t bother you that… you know… I liked a boy, right? I mean, I don’t even know if I have a preference or anything yet.”

His mother let out a loud laugh, much to his embarrassment as Hoshiumi regretted asking in the first place. “Not one bit! And if you ever needed someone to talk to about it, your cousin Hiromichi and his boyfriend would be open to help you out,” she said with a cackle. “You know Kourai, I was actually surprised it was _that boy_ in particular. For a while, you were _all about_ this other guy you met at a tournament… what was his name… oh! Hinata Shoyo!”

Hoshiumi blushed angrily at the name. “He’s my rival, that’s all! It’s different!”

“I’m sure it is. Anyways Kourai, just remember. Moving on isn’t one big jump, but a series of little steps. You will get through this, and I hope that someday, you and Sachirou-kun can be friends again,” his mother said, smiling fondly at him.

_Moving on from you will be hard, but it’s not impossible._

* * *

“Look at all the sun outside, Sachirou!” Fukuro said with a chipper smile. “It’s too bad about your hand, or I’d ask you if you wanted to grab the old ball and do some passes with me. You know, just like the old times.”

Hirugami gave a resigned look, remembering his grueling practices with his older siblings. Small talk with his brother was always awkward given the seven year gap between their ages, with volleyball being their common thread. To bridge the gap, Fukuro and Sachirou would usually practice or watch a game together. “You want to watch a match right now instead, don’t you?” he said.

“Oh,” Fukuro noticed his younger brother’s sour expression. “Do you not like watching volleyball? Or did you want to talk instead?”

Back at the emergency room when Hirugami was still experiencing the height of his emotions, he tearfully told his brother that he and Hoshiumi had gotten into a bad fight. As the captain of Hoshiumi’s team, Hirugami Fukuro was someone else who knew Kourai well, but he avoided the topic as it seemed like a sensitive situation.

“Sachirou, if it’s Kourai we’re talking about, I don’t think you need to worry so much. You know how he is. Even still, he gets mad at the smallest of things. If you give him an hour he’ll be over it,” Fukuro said, scratching his head. “You should have seen him working with Wakatoshi in the beginning. Ushijima Wakatoshi, that is if you remember him-”

“Of course I remember Ushiwaka,” Hirugami said curtly, shuddering through an unpleasant memory of going through half a roll of tape playing him in middle school. “Shiratorizawa went to nationals every year he was there along with Yurisei and Kamomedai.”

“Oh sorry Sachirou, sometimes I forget you know all of this,” Fukuro said uneasily as he noticed his younger brother’s annoyed expression. “It’s been such a long time since you’ve played volleyball…”

“I know all of this because I went to Nationals every year since the beginning of middle school. Anyways, please continue,” Hirugami muttered with a pout.

“Anyways, poor Kourai thought Wakatoshi had something against him for a whole week during training since you know, he expects reactions and Wakatoshi isn’t the type to express his emotions. Once Kourai figured out that was just how Wakatoshi is, they got along just fine as teammates.”

 _What happened between Kourai-kun and me is nothing like that at all_.

“I can promise you it’s not as big of a deal as you think it is, Sachirou. I get into fights with my friends all the time, especially over volleyball. Sometimes the taunts can get a little too much, you know? So usually I just offer to buy the next drink to smooth things over,” Fukuro continued, looking satisfied with his response. “Now, I have to rewatch some Schweiden Adlers match tapes to take notes anyways. Don’t you feel lucky to see your big brother in action when he’s also right next to you? Great learning opportunity!”

 _Nii-chan is still completely out of it as usual. Stuck in volleyball world,_ Hirugami glared at the line-up on the screen. _I’ve been thinking of the Schweiden Adlers as Kourai-kun’s team for so long, that I honestly forget he’s on it._

“Well, it looks like both teams are warming up right now! Before we head straight to the action, we have a very special feature for you,” the announcer said, panning away from the court. “He may be short, but that’s just his strength! A pre-warm up interview with Schweiden Adler’s very own Hoshiumi Kourai, the Little Giant, conducted by our own Enaga Fumi!”

Hirugami’s expression changed into a painful grimace. “Er,” Fukuro said awkwardly, noticing his brother’s face. “We can skip this part, if you want…”

“No, it’s fine,” Hirugami said against his better wishes. “I should get used to this feeling.”

It was a surreal experience watching Hoshiumi Kourai talk on the screen. Someone that he had grown up with, someone that used to be a permanent fixture by his side, being presented as a stranger. As Hirugami watched Hoshiumi animatedly talk to the interviewer, he couldn’t help but smile as he thought of how years ago, he had to step in to stop Kourai from yelling at the poor lady. _It’s like they’re old friends._ Hoshiumi looked like a happy dog greeting his owner after work as he talked to Fumi.

_“Enaga Fumi! Please interview me again next time!” Hoshiumi said excitedly, shaking her hand with both of his. “You’re the best! Are you going to play the highlight reel next? I love seeing those. Did you get the clips I sent you?!”_

“That’s so Kourai. Breaking all the PR rules on how you’re supposed to conduct interviews. He just says whatever he wants. It’s a good thing this interviewer in particular knows him so well.” Fukuro laughed nervously while putting a hand on his face. “She still remembers you too, Sachirou. I had to tell her your name wasn’t _‘Sumimasen Boy.’_ ”

Hirugami couldn’t help but smile at Hoshiumi’s infectious happiness. Though it was as if they were a world apart, he still couldn’t help but feel a fondness in his heart whenever he saw Hoshiumi as a professional volleyball player. _Kourai-kun,_ Hirugami thought, watching the highlight reel of Hoshiumi’s spikes that showed off flattering angles of his superhuman jumps. _You finally made it. All of those worries you’ve had… everything you’ve gone though, look at you now. I always believed in you._

Hirugami peered over his knees as he stared at Hoshiumi on television. “He’s like an angel isn’t he, Nii-chan,” he said with longing in his heart. “Kourai-kun, that is. It’s like he has wings.”

_To think I lost something so beautiful…_

Fukuro let out a jovial laugh. “I suppose you’re right,” he said with a mischievous look in his eyes. “You could say it’s because he’s a _wing_ spiker.” Fukuro gave Sachirou a smug smile.

 _Of course I can count on you to ruin the moment, Nii-chan,_ Hirugami made a repulsed face at how proud Fukuro seemed of his joke and realizing how cheesy he sounded. “Nice kill,” he murmured.

With Hoshiumi stuck in his mind, Hirugami was struck with a profound feeling of restlessness, his foot bouncing with the rhythm of the music blaring in the arena. He had been so quick to cut off all ties to Hoshiumi, mistakenly believing that it would minimize the pain for both of them. It was what he thought Hoshiumi wanted as well, when he had asked Hirugami to let him go, which was what Hirugami had been trying to do the whole time. He was so focused on that goal of liberating himself from those emotions, that Hirugami forgot what Hoshiumi meant to him in the first place, and everything that they had been through together.

A reckless idea crossed his mind. _Lies are what got us here. So the truth will set us both free._ Realizing that he was on the verge of losing his window to correct this mistake, Hirugami stood up, much to his brother’s surprise. “Sachirou, the game just started,” Fukuro said with alarm as Hirugami grabbed his backpack.

“I’m sorry Nii-chan, there’s something that I have to do. Something that I should have done a long time ago,” Hirugami said urgently, heading out the door. _I need to get out of here. There’s no way I’ll be able to process my emotions with Nii-chan here. I can’t face Kourai-kun again right now, but once I finish this, I’ll give it to him._

_Kourai-kun, I’m going to write you a letter that starts from the very beginning. Please wait for me one last time._

* * *

**Nine Years Ago**

With Nationals in three days, the Yurisei Junior High School team was practicing harder than ever. It was the most time on the court that Hoshiumi had gotten in all of his three years on the team, as he filled in for their missing ace. Four days earlier, Hirugami Sachirou had taken a mysterious leave of absence citing injuries, and everyone was speculating what had happened to him.

_“He was pretty upset after missing that quick set at the end of that practice match. I tried to tell him it was nothing to sweat over. Most blockers can’t do much about those. You know how hung up he gets on mistakes.”_

_“He didn’t look like he was injured at practice. You think he hurt himself practicing after practice? He’s way too intense.”_

For the first time in his life, Hirugami Sachirou didn’t feel a sense of urgency to return to the volleyball court. After heeding Hoshiumi’s advice and realizing that he needed a break, Hirugami had gotten the school nurse to sign off on his injuries to excuse him from practice. The past four days not playing volleyball felt surreal to Hirugami. What Hoshiumi said was true, people weren’t going to die if he stopped playing volleyball.

Well, after the Yurisei coach stopped by his dorm to beg him to return to practice, Hirugami wasn’t so sure about the last part. _Following the same logic, I won’t die if I play volleyball again,_ Hirugami thought. He packed up his volleyball bag and headed to practice, albeit arriving later than he usually would.

The weather was far from auspicious. The mountain range that was usually visible on a clear day was shrouded by a blanket of gray clouds and Hirugami swore he heard a distant clap of thunder. Raindrops started to steadily pour out of the clouds, splashing over Hirugami’s head and sliding down his face. He thought about the times that he would run through storms to get his daily run in, and how that kind of recklessness felt like a distant memory. As he walked through the light shower, Hirugami felt as if his own conceptions on volleyball and life were being washed away. For the first time in a long time, Hirugami was excited to return to the court again. He missed the feeling of catching a good block or moving his body to match the ball.

Wiping his wet shoes on the mat and drying them with a towel, Hirugami stood in the doorway of the gym as he watched his team play without him. _Ah, Akatsuki-kun is back,_ Hirugami noted, remembering his teammate who had gone through a “slump” months prior. _I understand you better now. Sometimes a break is what you need the most._

“Kourai!”

The name that had been on Hirugami’s mind the past four days. His eyes flickered toward a fast, bright white blur on the court, hustling for what would have been an impossible receive otherwise. Despite being completely out of position and off balance, Hoshiumi had gone for the receive only to fall over in the process as he attempted to do so with good form. Hirugami winced in secondhand embarrassment, remembering his own mistakes as a rookie. With the blow of a whistle, the coach signaled the end of the set.

 _He didn’t get it but his receiving form,_ Hirugami thought with a shine in his eyes. _It’s perfect. I wonder if he’s read Volleyball Training, too? He has such good footwork and fundamentals, a sign that he will improve quickly. Hoshiumi-san has the potential to be really good… it’s a shame that he’s too-_

“Sorry!” Hoshiumi said, embarrassed as the teammates on his side stared him down.

“Kourai, I don’t care how your form looks as long as you get it,” snapped his teammate, a boy named Obata. “With Hirugami out, we’re gonna have gaps in our defense and no time for people who can’t cover it. What position do you usually play again?”

“Outside hitter. I’m a spik-”

“We don’t need a spiker right now. We need a defensive core,” Obata said firmly, cutting Hoshiumi off. “Learn how to be a libero now or you’ll never have a place to play in high school.”

Hoshiumi balled up his fists, his posture getting rigid as his eyes got wide and angry. He opened his mouth, and Hirugami was sure that he would yell, but instead, the white-haired boy closed his mouth and walked away. Seeing the exchange happen in front of him, Hirugami suddenly felt guilty about not intervening. _He helped me and yet, all I can do is stand here and do nothing._

“Hirugami!” the coach said loudly, calling to attention the return of their ace. “Sachirou, we’ve been waiting for you. Kourai, we’re switching you out.”

Hirugami grimaced as he saw Hoshiumi’s face fall. Before Hirugami knew his name, he always recalled “that kid from squad 2” because of Hoshiumi’s signature stare. His large eyes would gaze hungrily at the volleyball court, as if his only dream was to be out there, playing in the game. He looked apologetically, putting a hand up. “We can practice later together, Hoshiumi-san,” Hirugami said nervously as Hoshiumi glanced up at him.

“How’s your hand?” Hoshiumi asked much to Hirugami’s surprise. He expected the smaller boy to be more upset at him for stealing back his time on the court.

“Better,” Hirugami said, feeling his face get warm. “T-thanks for asking.”

“I hope you’ve been feeling better, too. Don’t force yourself to play volleyball because you think you have to as our ace,” Hoshiumi muttered under his breath. “Or think that you owe me lessons because of what I did a few days ago.”

“Thanks for looking out for me, Hoshiumi-san,” Hirugami was unable to find the words to say to articulate his feelings. _How do I even thank you?_ “I usually practice alone, but I was thinking that maybe I would like volleyball more if I had someone to practice with.” His voice trailed off as he was overcome with shyness.

Hoshiumi’s eyes lit up. “Yeah,” he said, a smile forming at the sides of his pout. “I’ve always wanted a practice partner, too! Especially a super good one!”

A strange sensation started to rise in Hirugami’s stomach as his ears got warmer. He was used to receiving compliments for his playing many times before, but for some reason as Hoshiumi said them, it made him feel lighter. _Did I forget to eat enough..._ Hirugami thought to himself as he experienced this strange sensation. _I’m not catching a cold am I?_

As Hirugami pondered if he was catching a cold, Hoshiumi’s nose started to twitch almost synchronously. “A-ah,” Hoshiumi started before letting out a muted sneeze, “-chu!”

A jarring contrast to his normally loud voice, Hirugami was pleasantly surprised that Hoshiumi had such a soft sneeze. 

_Cute._

As the thought escaped Hirugami’s mind before he could catch himself, he blushed again. Hirugami had never been so flustered in his life. Cute was a word Hirugami rarely used except to describe animals such as kittens or puppies. He didn’t even use it to describe human babies, like his younger cousins who were loud and cried often. It was the first time he had ever thought that about a person and flushed as he was embarrassed by his own thoughts. Hoshiumi seemed to pay no heed to it and pulled out a tissue from his backpack. “I should’ve brought a thicker sweater,” he grumbled, shoving his hands into his jacket. “I get cold too easily.”

Hirugami stared down at Hoshiumi, his mind still in a frenzy. _Should I offer him my jacket? I won’t even need it when I’m playing. Wait, do people even do that with friends? I only see it in the gross movies that nee-san makes me watch with her. My jacket doesn’t even fit him anyways. Do they even make humans this small? Or am I too tall? No, he seems too proud to ever be the type to..._

“Anyways, don’t you dare tell anyone about my sneeze. My brother Akitomo calls it the ‘Pikachu’ sneeze. I’ve been trying to work on making a more intimidating sound when I sneeze. Like the big _CHOO_ sound that the big guys make. Do you even know what Pokemon is, Hirugami?” Hoshiumi continued talking, unbothered by Hirugami’s silence. It was clear that despite his intimidating scare and scowl, Hoshiumi was a motormouth. Another contradiction to add to the long list of ones that Hirugami already made of his new acquaintance.

 _He’s small, but projects an air of strength. He’s proud and yet sensitive to the emotions of strangers. He has a loud voice, but the sneeze of a newborn kitten. You’re such an interesting person… how did I not notice you before, Hoshiumi-san?_ Hirugami thought, privately hoping that the break in between practice matches could be longer. _I want to get to know you better._

“Hey!” a loud voice from the entrance of the gym woke Hirugami out of his reverie. “Look who’s back!”

The rest of the starting line-up had taken a break outside and were heading back in. Hirugami frowned as he watched the boys barely use the mat to wipe their feet as they walked into the gym. It almost seemed like a deliberate gesture. They glanced at Hirugami and Hoshiumi in surprise, making questionable faces that Hirugami couldn’t quite read.

“Kourai!” the coach said, pointing at the cleaning supplies that were already out. Hoshiumi gave a hard look at the other boys, before giving a resigned shrug. Had it always been like this?

“Hoshiumi-san,” Hirugami blurted out, reaching for the mop. “Let me help you with that.”

Hoshiumi snatched the mop away from him, clutching the mop almost protectively. “You have your job out there,” he said, jabbing a finger at the court. “I have mine here. I don’t need your pity. All of this is still volleyball. One day I’ll join you guys out there, but until now, there’s nothing I can say or do.”

 _It’s not that I pity you, Kourai-kun_ , Hirugami thought sadly, looking at the muddy footprints on the court. _It’s just that I think people are making your job harder than it has to be._ “They really should have cleaned their shoes before walking inside,” Hirugami mumbled to himself.

“Sachirou! You’re in!” the coach yelled as Hirugami continued to wonder why his teammates dirtied the floor on purpose.

Though it took several points to get re-acclimated, Hirugami continued to play volleyball as if it was the most natural thing in the world. It was as Hoshiumi had said, all the hard work that Hirugami had put into honing his instincts and tall stature he was lucky to be born with wouldn’t fade over time. As a matter of fact, he barely had to overthink when it came to volleyball. Unlike life, the decision-making was more linear and absolute. It was as if something in Hirugami’s mind had changed over the four days he was away from the court. Instead of feeling trapped in a web of thoughts and fears about scoring, Hirugami felt as if he could see a clear path ahead for each of his actions. _If I move to the left, it’ll force their spiker to score down the line. They’ve only been able to make about 20% of their lineshots, and even then the libero is ready to cover that opening in the back. So by adding this pressure, I can almost guarantee this point is ours._

“Good job, Sachirou! Happy to have you back!”

_I hope you’re watching me, Hoshiumi-san. I’m playing well today._

Hirugami’s eyes searched around for the white-haired boy, but while the game was happening, Hoshiumi seemed to have gone off somewhere else after mopping the floor. Disappointed, Hirugami went to wipe the sweat off his face with a towel when he started to hear Obata and his other teammates talk.

“I can’t be the only one that finds that kid so annoying right? The way he just stares at us while we’re practicing, hogs up all the coach’s time with questions, and acts so proud to be on this team even though he’s a benchwarmer. You know the one I’m talking about, right?”

Hirugami’s heart fell as he immediately realized who they were talking about.

“Are you guys talking about Hoshiumi Kourai? Kid’s got a weird name. He even looks pretty weird. I sent a picture to my brothers and we think he’s half pigeon. Want to take bets if it’s his mom or dad?” another voice chimed in. 

_Don’t listen to them..._

“Do you think he paid off Hirugami to sit out so he could get some court time? I saw them talking before the game.”

“Nah, more than likely he’s trying to win over the ace to increase his chances of playing or whatever. Hirugami is a really well-connected guy. His family is full of pros and coaches. Too bad he has the social skills of a rock. You know Sachirou. He’s basically possessed by the spirit of volleyball, ” Obata’s friend said, checking to see if Hirugami was in the vicinity. 

“Anyways, at least Hoshiumi’s good at doing our laundry. Maybe he’ll make it as a maid or someth- AH!”

Obata let out a cry in terror as he felt something strong grab the collar of his jacket and hoist him upward. He turned around to face Hirugami Sachirou, who stared back at him coldly with a murderous look in his eyes. The rest of his teammates cowered in fear, wondering if their normally quiet ace had finally snapped. “Hey Hirugami, what the hell are you doing?” Obata said, struggling under Hirugami’s ironclad grip.

Hirugami didn’t know what had come over him, but he was nearly shaking with anger as he stared at the rest of his teammates. “You guys take back what you just said about Hoshiumi-san.”

“What’s gotten into you lately?” Obatasnapped. “You didn’t care about anything else before, and now what are you? Willing to fight your teammates three days before Nationals over that _shrimp?_ ”

 _What has gotten into me?_ Prior to this week, Hirugami had never taken a break from volleyball. Within a single day, his entire mindset and view toward volleyball evolved to where he realized it wasn’t an absolute in his life. Almost an hour ago, he felt butterflies in his stomach for the first time, and blushed over another boy’s sneeze. And now, he felt blinding rage toward his own teammates, for the kind of gossiping they had done all season that he ignored. “I-” Hirugami began, feeling guilt as he saw how terrified his teammates were at him. He let go of Obata, dropping him onto the ground. “I don’t know?”

“You don’t know, huh?” Obata snapped, pulling back a fist. “I’ve been saving this all season, but you really think you’re above us just like that shrimp does!”

“Obata, stop!” yelled one of their teammates too late as the punch grazed Hirugami’s shoulder. Defensively, Hirugami grabbed Obata again and knocked him to the ground. “Someone go get Coach!”

“Don’t get anyone involved in this,” Hirugami snapped, giving Obata a cold stare. “I’m not going to fight you. Until Nationals is over, I don’t want to catch you saying anything about the other rookies again. Especially Hoshiumi-san. You already have a starting place on this team and what he wants. Isn’t that enough? If you keep talking… I’ll leave this team right now and I’ll tell Coach that it’s what you all wanted.”

Hirugami didn’t want Hoshiumi to get wind of what their teammates were saying about him, and knew that the coach’s intervention would lead to unnecessary punishment. With Nationals looming over them, he knew it was important to keep the fighting between teammates minimized. By using his position as the team’s ace as a way to negotiate, Hirugami saw a chance to get the others to listen to his demands.

“Are you serious? What are you, crazy?”

“I’m serious. No one will die if I stop playing volleyball. But Coach might,” Hirugami said, leveraging his favoritism over the others. “So if you really care about the team as much as you say you do, you’ll never bother me or Hoshiumi-san again. Got it?”

Silence fell over the other boys as Hirugami was confident his message came across. Despite the tense atmosphere, Hirugami had an urge to smile as he saw the terror in his teammate’s faces. It had been the first time he had ever spoken out this year, and hopefully the last. “Let’s have a good time at Nationals then,” he said finally. “Besides, even if you keep talking like that about Hoshiumi-san, it’s all for nought. It’s clear he loves volleyball. Don’t some of us wish we could say that we did too?”

Hirugami left his stunned teammates behind in his wake, heading back toward the school. Ever since the day he met Hoshiumi Kourai, something had changed within him that he couldn’t quite explain. The rain had started to die down and the clouds were opening up, exposing a ray of sunshine from the setting sun. As Hirugami glanced at the sun with a heavy heart, he began to piece together all of the new feelings he had experienced. Sorting through all of the information, Hirugami’s eyes started to water as he finally found the words to describe his new, hopeless feelings that seemed to be directed toward this strange boy that he was lucky to meet.

“Is this… what a crush is like?”

* * *

Standing in front of the Matsumoto City Gymnasium, Hoshiumi leaned against the railing of the stairs as he waited for his companion. These were the same stairs that he and Sachirou used to race up together, whenever they had the chance to watch professional matches together. These were memories that used to make Matsuomotoshi one of his favorite arenas to play in, especially since it was the premier venue of his home prefecture, but those recollections no longer brought him joy. _Was he only hanging out with me out of pity?_ Hoshiumi thought, the lights in his eyes dimming.

Before he could sink further into his bad mood, he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Kourai-kun!”

He looked up to see Hana, appearing next to him with a bright smile. “It’s so good to see you again,” she said, glancing at the giant gymnasium behind him. “How did you manage to get this place to practice?”

“It helps being a well-known pro player,” Hoshiumi said, twirling the keyring around his hand before catching it. _That’s who I am, right?_

“Wow,” she said, her lights lighting up. “Then I’m lucky to be with you right now!”

Hoshiumi forced a smile as they started making their way up the stairs. “Is that so? Maybe I’m lucky, too.”

Walking up the stairs with a new companion, Hoshiumi breathed in the frigid air as he watched the sun set from a distance. As Hana chartered animatedly next to him about what she wanted to practice next, Hoshiumi unlocked the doors to the giant, empty gymnasium. 

_I guess it’s time for me to start a new game with someone else._

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy HiruHoshi (6/5) Day AND COURT'S BIRTHDAY HI @TIMSHEL_11! Saw that it was HiruHoshi Day right now in some parts of the world, so I had to make my contribution. I had to do a lot of cuts on things I wanted add like a deeper Hoshiumi POV, but I was really itching to write in this flashback of middle school HiruHoshi to show that they've always believed in each other since day one. It kind of feels wrong updating this fic on HiruHoshi day since they're not... technically together yet, but I have another fanfic where they get together that I wrote for Nix! Also that Hirugami really, really loves him. Also I felt as if the Hirugami family canonically is very superstitious because their kids' names have to do with "luck." God, even though they weren't technically in a relationship, this feels like a breakup in every sense of the word. Please feel free to reach out to me on Twitter at @KurapikasDad to yell about HiruHoshi with me! Thanks to @ushijimwah and @lovingmiyas for beta reading. Sorry for how long this chapter is >.<
> 
> As usual, expect updates in 2-3 weeks. I'd love to promise weekly, but lately I've been pretty stressed given a multitude of things in real life. I can't wait to get to the parts of the story that everyone (including myself) is waiting for... it's all about the yearning... Also to everyone who comments thank YOU for giving me the motivation to keep on writing. Your comments sincerely make my day and I promise over time I will try to respond to all of them, I am so grateful for the readership this story has and want to make sure it'll be worth it in the end. Thank you so much for being patient with me, leaving such nice comments, thanks to all of you, I feel more confident when it comes to writing :) (Trust me, I was too nervous to share my writing in the past and was just comfortable with shitposting...)


	14. Someone That I Like

_"I understand now that sometimes things aren't going to be fine, and that's okay. Besides, I'll be doing something I like. Though... because it's something I like, I'm sure there will be times when that makes it all the harder.”_

Five years ago, Hirugami’s words were what gave Hoshiumi the impetus to charge down his divergent path without a single doubt in his mind. At their fateful last sunset, Hoshiumi remembered how the weight of the scarf around his neck felt on his shoulders. The sensation of his breath curling up like smoke in the cold air. _So this is the end we’ve always known was coming._

It was an unspoken understanding between the two that since the day they met, their paths would too inevitably diverge. Though Hirugami was better at hiding it than he was, Hoshiumi knew that they were too similar when it came to love. They were two people who would rather die than force themselves down a passionless path, and it so happened that what they loved were two worlds apart. For a long time, Hoshiumi thought these worlds were just as simple as “V.League” and “college”, but he had come to realize that it was more fundamental than that. 

Watching the brilliant red rays of light pour through the openings in the mountain ridge, Hoshiumi closed his eyes, wanting to hold in the intensity of that last sunset forever. He wanted to save Hirugami’s words in his mind and that exact moment, so that it could serve as a source of comfort during the hardships he was bound to face. Though Hirugami wouldn’t be a constant presence in his life moving forward, Hoshiumi felt as if Sachirou was still with him through the lessons they shared with each other. Every time he experienced pain as he faced inevitable losses and failures, Hoshiumi embraced the feeling. 

_All of this hurts more because it’s something that I love. If I didn’t love it, then I wouldn’t care._ That pain was constructive to him, a sign that he was going down the right path. Otherwise, outside the realm of love, pain was a sign that something was going wrong. Hoshiumi was always quick to let go of anything that caused him too much turmoil, whether it be dealing with people that put him down or activities that he wasn’t suited for. Quitting basketball as a child held no weight to him as he agonized over losing to Akitomo time and time again and had no investment in the sport. 

Hoshiumi thought his compass on right and wrong was a well-honed machine, a keen sixth sense that served him well in life. That was until a few days ago, where he found himself tangled up in a series of kisses with who he once thought was just his best friend. Everything about kissing someone that he wasn’t formally in love with fell under what he thought his definition of “wrong” was, but for some reason all he could think about was how much more he wanted it. 

_Even though this is wrong, why do I want it so much?_

The longer the night went, the shorter the break between the kisses. The light that Hoshiumi used to search for in Hirugami’s warm eyes was absent as he continued to repeat the motions of a kiss like a man possessed. The hand in Hoshiumi’s hair felt stiff and the warmth between them had completely dissipated, and Hoshiumi kept coming back for reasons he couldn’t justify to himself. Practice? Experience? He wasn’t sure, but at some point, the pain in his chest became unbearable as he realized that Hirugami was giving him everything and nothing at the same time. Their kisses became rougher and more frantic as Hoshiumi wondered if Hirugami was just as lost as he was. They were two sailors lost in a turbulent sea without the stars in the night sky to guide them, grasping for straws in the dark with their lips.

 _This is definitely not how people who love each other kiss_ , Hoshiumi thought to himself, feeling Hirugami’s arm cover graze the side of his face as Hirugami leaned over him imposingly. Though Hoshiumi was much smaller in frame, he had to admit he had become much stronger than Sachirou. _I can fight him off so easily, and yet I don’t want to stop._

“Sachirou, not so rough,” Hoshiumi muttered, his lips still pressed against Hirugami’s as he fumbled with his words and emotions. He broke free easily from the kiss, pushing himself away from Hirugami with ease. “Please, if you don’t want to do this anymore, we can stop. I don’t want you to do anything for my sake.”

“Kou, I’m doing this for mine, too. If you don’t want this anymore, we can call it a night,” Hirugami said, his expression confused as Hoshiumi continued to stare at him accusingly. “I can be gentler if you’d like, or we can just say this lesson was a failure and sleep it off...”

Hoshiumi racked his brain. Their first kiss had been gentle and yet Hoshiumi still felt the same level of dissatisfaction. The problem wasn’t roughness, but rather the feeling that something was missing between them. “No, that’s not what I want either.”

“Then what do you want?”

Hoshiumi stared up at Hirugami, opening his heart to a closed off wall. “I want one last kiss with you, because I’m getting a feeling this is my last chance to. What do you want?”

“I want to help you, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said, his voice wavering as he gave a sad smile. “But I’m not so great at it, am I? Of course these kisses aren’t going to feel good, Kourai-kun. It’s not the same as getting a kiss from someone that you love. Anyways, how would you like your last kiss?”

Their faces were so close together that they could see themselves reflected in each other’s eyes. “Kiss me like how you’d kiss someone you love then,” Hoshiumi said, gripping Hirugami’s hand tightly. “Just so I know how that feels for once in my life.”

“I’ll… have to refuse,” Hirugami said, his eyes flickering away from Hoshiumi’s intense stare, if he was too ashamed to meet his gaze. “Anything, but that. You’ll want to save kisses like that for someone that loves you, Kourai-kun.”

“What are you talking about?” Hoshiumi snapped.

Hirugami gave a knowing, but distant smile, as if he was imagining something far away. “Someday, you’re going to meet someone and everything will be right,” he said easily, bouncing Hoshiumi’s hand on his lap. “She’ll look at you as if you’re the best volleyball player in the whole world, and you’ll kiss each other like there’s no tomorrow. You’ll get to show her off to the world, and if you’ve settled down enough, you’ll have a nice volleyball family like mine. I don’t want to stand in the way of that, Kourai-kun.”

“I don’t care about the future, Sachirou. I only care about now,” Hoshiumi said steadfastly, staring up at Hirugami with his luminous eyes. “Let’s make the most out of this game we’re playing. I don’t want to end it on a point like that. It doesn’t feel right.”

“If I kiss you again, you have the right to call me the most selfish man in the world,” Hirugami said easily. “I’ve done this a lot of times, Kourai-kun. Kissing someone and not kissing someone feels the same.”

“Then I’ll absolve you of that guilt and prove you wrong. You’re not kissing me,” Hoshiumi said firmly, his free hand reaching out for Hirugami’s face. He was surprised as Hirugami made no movement to avoid it, simply resigning himself to what was going to happen next. “I’m kissing you. Can I?”

Hoshiumi wondered if it was the light playing tricks on him, or if the immovable Hirugami was actually blushing under the dim light. “Alright,” Hirugami whispered, his hand resting on Hoshiumi’s waist. “One more time, Kourai-kun.”

Squeezing his eyes shut, Hoshiumi leaned into Hirugami one last time, a passionate kiss that burned like the blinding red light from their last sunset. His heart swelled up as he gently caressed the side of Hirugami’s face, muttering his name under his breath. Hoshiumi knew in his heart that it was just like the time they had met; that this kiss was the beginning of an inevitable end. What was right and wrong no longer mattered, what was real and pretend blurred together as they kissed one last time. Hirugami and Hoshiumi knew that once they resurfaced, there was no place for them to return to tomorrow.

_I see it now._

_It’s… because I love you that makes this all harder._

* * *

“Kourai-kun?”

Hoshiumi flinched at the sound of his name, a familiar sound uttered by an unfamiliar source. He was standing at the entrance of the empty volleyball court, staring out into its depths for a final time as his eyes traced the patterns of ghosts. His hand lingered over the light switch, his mind paralyzed by a sudden memory. Six years ago, around this same time, he remembered the sounds of the ball coming off his right palm and slamming down onto the opponents’ side of the net. He still remembered Sachirou’s excitement, reflected in his luminous brown eyes as he grabbed Hoshiumi’s hands in awe. _“Kourai-kun! We’re going to Nationals!”_

 _That’s all you are now. A ghost. Ghosts can’t hurt me._ Hoshiumi thought to himself, his resolve surging as he swallowed back his pain one last time. He shut off the lights to the stadium, and faced the new lights by his side. The concerned look in his new companion’s eyes grounded him back in the present. _They’re a different shade of brown than his. But still nice._

“I’m fine, Hana-chan. Just checking if I forgot anything, that’s all,” Hoshiumi said with a reassuring smile. “Turns out it’s just in my head. Let’s go home now.”

He locked the gymnasium behind him, realizing that he had in fact forgotten something. _I don’t even remember what shade of brown that was. Was it like coffee? Chocolate?_ Hoshiumi shook his head as he pulled out a jacket from his backpack. _Whatever it is, I’ll be sure to avoid it._

“It’s fine, you don’t have to walk me home all the time Kourai-kun. Especially if you have things to do,” Hana said, almost apologetically. “I feel bad that I’ve taken up so much of your time since you’ve been home.”

“Oh?” Hoshiumi said, sticking his head through his jacket. “It’s no worries. I’m doing it because I want to.”

If there was anything that Hoshiumi learned from the past few days of unlearning Hirugami Sachirou, it was seizing every opportunity to keep busy and not be alone. His days were filled with reacquainting himself with old friends in Nagano and practicing volleyball with Hana, a one-time session that ended up becoming a series of daily and nightly meetings. It was strange going from a student to a teacher in the course of a week, but helping Hana get over her many fears in volleyball kept him busy.

“Do you need me to give you the address?” Hana asked, catching up to Hoshiumi’s large strides.

“Don’t worry. I have it memorized now,” Hoshiumi said. “I probably can’t stay for dinner this time, there’s something that I wanted to do in the city.”

“Oh okay,” Hana said, nodding. “Of course! Are you going to see your friends? It’s too bad that Gao-san couldn’t make it today.”

“Huh? It’s just something I’m doing alone,” Hoshiumi said, putting his hands in his pockets, feeling out some loose change. _Good, I haven’t run out._

The hardest parts of moving on were the times that Hoshiumi found himself alone with his thoughts. It was as if his mind was trying to fill the absence in Hoshiumi’s life with unbearable memories and thoughts of the brown-haired boy he was trying to keep off his mind. The fear of being alone forced Hoshiumi to be constantly on his feet, searching for new ways to avoid the continuous waves of pain. He even found himself reconnecting with his old teammates from Kamomedai, notably Hakuba Gao, who was also enjoying the break between the V.League seasons. After getting together with Gao and some of his teammates from the Tachibana Red Falcons to go out drinking, something that Hoshiumi never thought he’d end up doing, he invited Gao to come catch some blocks with him and Hana the next day. 

_“Kourai, you’ll thank me later for saying this, but no.”_

“Besides,” Hoshiumi scowled, reflecting on how he didn’t understand what Gao meant. “I’m not in the mood to deal with Gao today anyways. I’ll just beat him during the season.”

They continued walking in a comfortable silence, walking under the trees that cast pale-pink petals and shadows across the walkway. Hoshiumi gazed at the ground, sniffing the perfumed air as he stepped on the fallen flowers. Though his heart felt closed off to emotions, he had to admit that walking a pathway filled with flowers felt auspicious. The time he spent with Hana felt as if he was being slowly directed away from the past and into a new future.

“Kourai-kun, isn’t the sky so beautiful today?” Hana exclaimed, pulling on his jacket to point at the sky. “Don’t you love sunsets?”

Hoshiumi had taken care to avoid looking at the sunset, as it filled him with the same empty feeling he was walking away from. Seeing her animated face, Hoshiumi obliged her with a glance at the pink sky, catching sight of the early moon peeking from behind a cloud. “That’s how you look when you’re too nervous to stand in the path of the ball,” Hoshiumi teased, forcing himself to think about their lessons. “Also, I prefer sunrises.”

Hana retorted indignantly, causing Hoshiumi to let out a laugh. Bickering back and forth comfortably, Hoshiumi wondered how he ever dreaded talking to other people. He enjoyed listening to their stories, sharing feelings, and learning more about how others thought. Before, all he thought about was himself and his place in the world. However, meeting people who were like him and other people who weren’t like him at all filled his life with variety and color. 

As he took in the scenery around him, his eye caught the glimpse of something white and fluffy wagging back and forth. Hoshiumi felt a rush of emotions, walking toward it instinctively. The sight of a happy dog was a comforting sight, one that he always gravitated toward no matter where he was. His teammates on the Schweiden Adlers frequently teased him about his peculiar affinity toward dogs. “Kourai-kun?” Hana called out as Hoshiumi shot past her toward the woman walking her dog.

“Excuse me, Miss!” Hoshiumi said, too excitedly as he startled the woman with his exuberant presence. “Sorry to bother you, but can I get a picture of your dog? They’re really cute!”

“Oh, sure!” the woman said, watching as her dog jumped onto Hoshiumi, who bent down to pet them. Running his hands through the dog’s soft fur, Hoshiumi stifled a giggle as the dog licked his face. _Dog-breath… what a nostalgic smell._

The owner took her dog gently by the collar and pointed at the camera on Hoshiumi’s phone as he backed away for the optimal shot. “Look at the camera Kouta-kun!”

Hoshiumi squatted on the ground, keeping his phone level with the dog. Snapping his fingers to get their attention, he snapped a satisfactory picture, shooting a grin as he admired how cute the dog looked. “Thank you very much!” Hoshiumi said eagerly, giving a wave before rejoining Hana.

“Kourai-kun,” Hana laughed gently, watching Hoshiumi flip through the pictures on his face with amusement. “I haven’t seen your face light up like that for a while. I didn’t know you liked dogs that much.”

“Oh, it’s not for me,” Hoshiumi said, going through the contacts on his phone. “It’s for S-”

Hoshiumi froze, feeling a pit in his stomach as he remembered. He gripped his phone tightly, cursing himself for succumbing to a decades long habit. No matter where he would go, Hoshiumi always made a point to seek out dogs to take pictures of to send to Hirugami, in hopes of brightening up his friends’ days.

“It’s for someone else on my team. Waji-san loves dogs,” Hoshiumi said hastily, deleting the picture before facing Hana again. He closed his phone and slipped it into his pocket. 

_Just wish that habit wasn’t second nature sometimes._

The silence between them went from comfortable to awkward as Hoshiumi’s eyes were glued to the ground again. Everything about this outing felt strange. Practicing blocks with someone else. Staring into a pair of brown eyes that weren’t the ones he was used to. Admiring the beauty of the sunset with someone else. _How could he do these things with other people without feeling guilt,_ Hoshiumi thought to himself, imagining Hirugami taking girls from his school up to their old spot to watch the sunset. _Of course he has._

Finally, they reached Hana’s house. The smell of home cooking wafted out of the windows and Hoshiumi’s stomach rumbled as he realized he forgot to eat lunch. He thought of where he was going to eat in the city and turned to leave, when Hana spoke up again.

“Kourai-kun, before you go, I wanted to ask you something. How did I do this time? Thanks for meeting with me, even if it was such short notice,” Hana asked nervously, cutting across Hoshiumi’s errant thoughts. “You can be honest.”

“You’re getting better,” Hoshiumi said. “I don’t mind the short notice, I’m always ready no matter what the situation.”

“I know,” Hana said quietly, looking at Hoshiumi with serious eyes. “You’re pretty amazing, Kourai-kun. At everything. My friends keep telling me about what you’ve done after high school graduation and what people think about you.”

“Oh yeah? What do they say about me anyways?” Hoshiumi said, curiously.

“How you’ve become this world-class athlete despite your well… sorry if this isn’t the right thing to say, but your disadvantage,” Hana said, glancing away from Hoshiumi’s intense stare. “But I don’t think it’s a disadvantage at all! Because of it, Kourai-kun is so fast to react to anything in the air. I kind of wish I could do that too. Also that since graduation, you’ve gotten a lot more…”

“More…” Hoshiumi raised his eyebrows. He was usually good at anticipating what people were going to say next, but for once he found himself at a loss for words.

“Surely you know,” Hana blurted out, her face now completely red. “Do you ever read what other people say about you? Outside of volleyball?”

Hoshiumi frowned, imagining what kind of tabloids existed of him. As someone who played volleyball for the sake of volleyball, he had little care for anything that existed outside that sphere. “There’s only really one interviewer that I trust,” Hoshiumi said, wondering what Hana must have read about him. “So I only read and watch the ones where she has input. Her name is Enaga Fumi by the way, I’ve known her for six years. Did you see something bad?”

“No, not bad,” Hana continued, still blushing. “It’s good actually. Well… did you know that a lot of people like you, Kourai-kun?”

“Huh?”

Hoshiumi had an inkling of what Hana was talking about from the way she was acting, but it was still a foreign concept to him. A week or two ago, this news would have filled him with positive validation and pride that would take days to die down. Instead, all Hoshiumi felt as a confusing emptiness. “Are they people I know?” Hoshiumi said, narrowing his eyes. 

“No, I don’t think you know them,” Hana said quickly, noticing the change in Hoshiumi’s mood. “But you know, you’re so incredible that my friends and I were wondering… why are you spending all this time on me?”

Hana’s words closed on him like a cage slamming shut on his face. If they weren’t surrounded by people around them taking their own post-sunset evening strolls, Hoshiumi would have made a loud, unintelligible noise that could be heard for miles. _I thought I was just… just helping you out?_ Hoshiumi thought, before realizing how it all looked. _Wait._ He was about to blurt out the words on his mind when he noticed her expression fall.

“Someone as insignificant as me,” she continued, almost shocked at her own admission. “You’re such a good player, and I can’t even block any of your spikes on my own. I still need to watch those blocking tapes you sent me, and my passes are still off-target… I appreciate you’re helping me get ready for tryouts net week, but aren’t there better people for you to practice with than just a stranger like me?”

For the first time, Hoshiumi felt a sense of familiarity radiating from Hana. There was something about her words and demeanor that reminded him of something that he was missing. He glanced back down at her, remembering the scared boy from the starting lineup at Yurichu. The awkward, tall first year who Hoshiumi had to drag away from the court by his arm to stop him from practicing one thousand serves in the gym. Someone who was hampered by feelings of insecurity, confidence, and lack of reassurance. 

_What do I want to say to him now?_

“Hana-chan,” Hoshiumi said softly, looking reassuringly into her anxious brown eyes. “You’re a great volleyball player with lots of room to grow. You don’t have to say sorry so much. It’s alright to make mistakes as long as they don’t impede what you’re doing next. Not everything in volleyball has to be perfect, y’know? Are you taking breaks in between our sessions?”

“I feel like I don’t deserve to rest when I’m still not happy with my game,” Hana said, her words coming out like a stream. “My friends and old teammates all had offers out of school. My sisters also play in the circuit, and I’m just trying to aim for Division 2. I feel like I don’t deserve to play with someone like you, Kourai-kun.”

Hoshiumi’s ears were hot as he recalled Hirugami’s words. _“You deserve better, Kourai-kun.”_

_I need to stop thinking about you._

“I… I hate when people talk about deserving things,” Hoshiumi said, thinking out loud. “If someone wants to give you something, just take it. You don’t know if that offer will be around tomorrow or not. I’m playing with you because I want to, and I think you’re too hard on yourself. You can’t keep that mentality once you start playing professionally. Everyone is going to be hard on you, but you need to trust yourself, okay?” 

Hana seemed surprised at the intensity of his voice, but nodded. “I understand what you mean, Kourai-kun. I guess that what I’m talking about is outside of volleyball… you see… I really,” she began before she glanced away from him again. “No, it’s stupid. So many people like you, and I feel like I’m just-”

_This is my chance to move on._

“Hana-chan,” Hoshiumi said. He stared out at the fog forming on the mountains and the sunless sky, filled with a deep blue that consumed the light. “There’s a festival going on later this week. Are you going with anyone?”

_I can’t trust myself on what feels right and what doesn’t. But hasn’t this been my goal all along? To go on a date with someone on my own?_

“If you aren’t going with anyone, I was thinking we could go together. I like spending time with you,” Hoshiumi said. “I don’t really care what other people think about it.”

“Kourai-kun,” Hana said, her eyes shining as she looked back at him. “I’d love to go with you.”

“I’ll pick you up from your place and we can walk together. It’d be nice to do something else apart from practice volleyball all the time,” Hoshiumi said, dazed as he realized he had taken the first large step forward in moving on. 

“Is this a date?”

“Yeah,” Hoshiumi said with a faint smile. “This is a real date.”

* * *

Even though where he lived was close to Hana’s, Hoshiumi ran as fast as he could in the other direction. As the scenery shifted from the earthy shades of the neighborhoods and into the jarring, vibrant lights of the city, Hoshiumi checked his phone to make sure that he still had time before the doors closed. Making a beeline through crowds and passing groups of students, he spun around to shoot down a dark alleyway with no lights. Following the nature trail to the peaceful front of the temple, Hoshiumi gave a sigh of relief as he still saw lights on.

The monk at the front nodded at him knowingly, and Hoshiumi gave a quick bow before heading to the usual place he knelt at. He never believed in luck or fortunes, always considering himself one of the few “born unlucky” and that success in life came from diligent practice. It was a belief that he shared with Sachirou, as the two would laugh over Fukuro’s superstitious behavior before matches and the nonsensical spiritual lessons that their grandparents would pass down. However, with his usual guide missing and feelings inside him that he couldn’t even feel comfortable telling his mother about, Hoshiumi found himself in the counsel of quiet statues as he needed the feeling of being listened to.

Tossing the coins into the altar and clasping his hands together agitatedly, Hoshiumi muttered the same prayer that came straight from his heart. A plea that was between him and the gods, and under his breath. He opened his eyes and stood up as soon as he was finished, making a final request in his thoughts as he turned his back.

_Please help me find my way._

* * *

Sitting at a desk in the far corner of the prefectural library, Hirugami Sachirou let out a melodramatic sigh as he heard the sounds of taiko drums outside. Though he was only 22 years old, Hirugami had the temperament of an old man, preferring peace and quiet as his choice in music instead of any noise. _Well, today is the last day they’re here,_ Hirugami frowned, looking at the fireworks-patterned flyer on the side of the bookcase he was sitting near. 

As children, the Hirugami family used to have him dress up in yukata along with his siblings to watch the fireworks together. While Fukuro and Shouko would yell in excitement, Sachirou would squint at the loud noises up in the sky and lament that they covered up the stars. He sighed at this childhood memory, realizing that he had felt like an old man even back then. _At least with the festival going on, there will be less people in the library and I’ll be able to get more work done,_ Hirugami thought to himself.

The prefectural library had become Hirugami’s new home the past three days, a place that he would bike to first thing in the morning, live off food from the vending machines outside, and leave later in the evenings. He started to know the janitor by name and they would converse at length about their shared past playing high school volleyball. He scratched his chin, feeling some sharp hairs that weren’t there a day ago.

“By the time I finish this damn thing, I’m probably going to look like Fukuro-nii-chan,” Hirugami groaned, glad that he had progressed past the need to keep up appearances. He had worn the same brown jacket the past three days, and his hair was unkempt as he kept messing it up as he struggled to write the most difficult letter of his life. He flipped through the papers in front of him, his left hand already aching as he started to pen his memories from his second year at Kamomedai.

_You were quiet after that game with Karasuno. I don’t know what was on your mind, but I remember we sat on that hotel balcony, looking at the city skyline. It was as if meeting Hinata Shoyo changed you in ways I couldn’t understand, as if for the first time you learned that the limits you placed on yourself were in your head. That there were heights you could reach if you stopped denying yourself. I felt like that day, I met a whole new Kourai-kun._

Hirugami sighed as his train of thought was broken by a surge of pain in his wrist. With his dominant hand injured, he had no choice but to write with his much weaker left hand. Though it was a struggle to produce legible handwriting at first, Hirugami worked through with practice. Writing the letter by hand instead of typing it out felt just to him, as if he was properly atoning for what he had done to Hoshiumi. “I just have six more years to cover,” Hirugami said, pursing his lips. “I should finish this on time to give it to Nii-chan before he leaves so he can give it to Kourai-kun.”

He looked out the window, staring at the people outside walking by as he stayed indoors, chaining himself to the past with each word. He was suddenly filled with an urge to crumple up the stack of papers forming in front of him, wondering if he was devoting himself to a futile task. Would Hoshiumi even want to read something like this? What was it all for, if not to be the final nail in the coffin for their friendship?

There was still a part of Hirugami that hoped that Hoshiumi would forgive him, and that they could resume their friendship again. It was foolish to believe that things would ever be the same, but it was better than being completely absent from each others’ lives. As he was writing the story of Hirugami Sachirou and Kourai-kun, a part of him couldn’t help but imagine how it was supposed to end. 

_Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. We stay friends, but not as close as we used to be. End up with different people. Then just live in peace as we pretend everything that happened between us is just water under the bridge,_ Hirugami thought to himself, reopening the painful wounds in his heart. He began to wonder what ending he would be satisfied with, when he heard someone call his name.

“Hirugami-kun?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp our story is starting to come to a climax. thank you so much to everyone who's stuck with it, picked it up, and has been here since the beginning. i honestly never know how a chapter is going to go until i write it or whether these two characters get closer together or farther apart-- i kind of just go with how they would feel and think during these times. i've always said i had a solid idea on how things end but now i think im like the reader, im kind of going for a ride myself! also ive been asked this before but im 100% fine with people sharing screenshots of my fics on twitter so no need to ask before doing so. as you can see i reread ch 393 a lot. im still shocked we got that chapter honestly.
> 
> also to explain the delay in updates and possibly future updates, i have been going through a hard time personally. last week one of my best friend's moms passed away and she used to be a teacher to me and an incredibly sweet person. then this week, my aunt had a medical procedure that went wrong in every way and i'm not sure what the prognosis is-- it's going to be a really tough week. im kind of just taking it day by day and writing is a very welcome escape right now. i thought i wasnt going to write for a long time but last night i was just hit with a stream of consciousness and was like... i should put this down. hope you enjoy the updates and thank you to people who leave really nice comments they make really happy.


	15. Nothing Lasts Forever

Mountains, cliffsides, stone. Those were objects that came to mind when Hirugami thought of the word “immovable.” He always hated his high school nickname, one that announcers christened him with to describe his on-court demeanor and infallibility. After all, there was no such thing as a truly immovable object. 

Mountains could be split apart by earthquakes that struck with no warning. Cliffs were doomed to a slow death, being eaten alive by hungry, relentless waves. All stones eventually erode over time. Hirugami felt that at this point in his life, he was caught in the intersection of all three of those calamities. Losing Kourai knocked his entire world off balance. His complicated feelings of love, guilt, and confusion, adolescent emotions that only continued to gain strength over time, tore into him one final time, leaving him with the emptiness that came with loss.

The last thing that Hirugami wanted to see as he chose to grieve privately was a familiar face. For some reason, the universe never let Hirugami Sachirou experience the lowest points of his life alone. 

Gazing down at him with an expression of great concern was his classmate, Yamashita Rina.

“Hello Rina-san,” Hirugami said as pleasantly, giving the most unaffected smile he could. Despite his inherent misery, he figured that the more well-tempered he seemed, the faster she would leave him alone.

Unfortunately, Hirugami’s disheveled appearance betrayed his weak attempt at normalcy. Like the rest of their classmates, Rina had always seen Hirugami Sachirou at his peak form, the ultimate dependable colleague. Girls and guys alike referred to him as “Mr. Perfect” when they were out of earshot because of his impeccable grades, unshakably pleasant demeanor in all situations, and clean appearance. In fact, he was often the person in their friend group who helped other people figure things out, whether it be in school and life. The man in front of her was unrecognizable. His clean-cut swept bangs were now wavy and scraggly, falling over his eyes as he was hunched over a stack of papers. His right hand was bandaged heavily as he clenched his pen in his left hand.

Hirugami looked into Rina’s eyes, expecting a look of pity. He never expected to run into a classmate here, especially during a day of celebration. However instead of pity, her eyes reflected something that he had been searching for.

Was it compassion?

“It… must be hard to be you, Hirugami-kun,” Rina said, pulling the seat across from him. It was clear that despite his best efforts, she was not leaving any time soon.

The look in her eyes was unsettlingly familiar. The empathy in her eyes and genuine concern reminded him of the boy that never left his mind. It was the same look that Hoshiumi gave him years ago.

“What are you doing?”

_ What are you doing? _

The same words that once unlocked a new world to Hirugami rippled through his mind. Right before him was another invitation to open up again, to finally let go of the feelings that had shackled him down for the past days, months, and years. And yet, every cell in his body was yelling at him to stay closed.

“Catching up on homework,” Hirugami said mildly. “And yourself?”

“We don’t have any. Exams were last week,” Rina said, undeterred. “I’m just here to read books. The library is emptier on days like this. I like the quiet.”

“Me too,” Hirugami replied, absently fumbling with his pen with his left hand.

The faraway noises of the taiko drum practice happening outside of the window resounded through the empty library like a heartbeat. For once in his life, Hirugami wished that there were more people around him.

“Hirugami-kun,” Rina pressed on, looking at his hand. “What happened to your hand?”

“I fell when walking the dog,” Hirugami said, wondering if it was impolite to just get up and leave. “Those damn stairs.”

“I see.”

Hirugami felt like a ghost being stared through by a mortal. Rina finally tore her eyes away from him, leaning down to take something out of her bag. Even though she showed no chance of leaving him alone, Hirugami stifled a sigh of relief as he figured that she was done with her questions. That was, until he felt something soft and wrapped in plastic shoved under his hand. 

_ Tissues? _

He looked up in disbelief at Rina, who was gesturing at the sides of her eyes. “You’ve been crying, haven’t you Hirugami-kun?” she asked. “Go on. Feel free to use as many as you need.”

Gingerly, Hirugami moved his left index finger to the corner of his eye. To his shock, the area was wet and warm. He had been so numb to his own feelings again that he hadn’t even fully processed the feeling of pain from holding it in. Instead of blaming his hands like the last time a stranger offered him a pack of tissues to wipe away the pain he caused himself, he had been blaming himself.

“I…” Hirugami started to feel his throat close up, realizing that the feelings he kept inside had become insurmountable. “I messed everything up with Kourai-kun. I was so selfish.”

With that, Hirugami broke down at last. The walls that he put so much maintenance into keeping up completely disappeared as if they never existed in the first place. All of the emotions that he was holding back, the game he was playing with Hoshiumi and how it led to the ruin of their relationship, and what he intended to do with the letter he was writing came pouring out. The love he had for a boy he couldn’t face ever again flowed from him painfully and gracelessly as he admitted exactly how convoluted it had become in his mind.

_ I wanted Kourai-kun to belong to the world, but also wanted him to be mine. I thought if I could experience what it’d be like to love him, I’d see that it could never happen in reality. Then when I thought I was over him, everything fell apart because I wasn’t. I hurt his pride because he broke my heart. The thing is, he didn’t even think I had a heart to break or that it belonged to him. It’s really messy isn’t it? _

Hirugami never thought in a million years that the memories and thoughts he kept contained in his mind would materialize in the form of casual admissions to a classmate. If the Sachirou from better times could see him now, he knew he’d find himself “gross.” At the same time, he found himself enjoying the release. It was something he was unable to do for years, or even with Fukuro around in the house, and even though he barely knew Rina, he felt safe. 

“I’m sorry,” Hirugami said, stopping himself from going too far into the details of what transpired between him and Hoshiumi. “I have a bad habit of pouring my heart out to strangers. It’s only happened to me twice in my life.”

“Telling your secrets to strangers or just talking about your feelings like this?” Rina said, watching Hirugami blow his nose.

“Both actually,” he replied. “The last time it was like this was the day that I met Kourai-kun.”

“Do you plan on talking to him ever again?” Rina asked sympathetically. “I’m sure that the letter you’re writing may explain things to him, but it is different hearing you say those words out loud.”

“I can’t. The way things left off, I don’t think Kourai-kun and I are ever going to be able to talk face to face again. I really let him go believing that no one in the world has ever loved him and that I stole his chances at true love because I was jealous of him. So, I’m writing him a letter so he knows that someone has loved Kourai-kun this whole time. I’m going to give it to Nii-chan, and he can read that when he’s far away from Nagano. It’s what I’d want if I were him. Time and space,” Hirugami sighed. “I don’t want to make it a dramatic ordeal when it’s already become one.”

“Why are you still so scared of saying that you’re the one who loves him? It’s not someone, Hirugami-kun. It’s clear to me at least that it’s you,” Rina said in a strained voice. 

“Because it feels like two different people. My feelings and my actions. The part of me that loves Kourai-kun and the other part of me that hurt him like that. How can they be the same person when they’re fighting each other?” Hirugami responded, absently fidgeting the corner of his letter.

“They’re the same person to me,” Rina said wisely, before reaching over to stop him from damaging the papers. “Hirugami-kun, life is messy. Love is one of the messiest parts of it. I haven’t been in many relationships myself, but I can tell you this. Your relationship with Kourai-kun is one that you can still save. Believe me, I know what a terrible relationship looks like. I’m the oldest daughter in a broken home. It’s why I’m always taking care of my siblings, because my mom and dad have ruined each other.”

“Rina-san, I’m sorry,” Hirugami said, shocked before Rina shook her head.

“Don’t be. Figuring out how to get past that is what made me stronger. I think you understand that more than anyone else. You’re telling me your secrets, so I feel like I should reciprocate. Besides, every single time that I’ve fallen behind work because of it, you have always been there to help me, Hirugami-kun.”

“Of course,” Hirugami said, wondering how he ever deserved to make a friend like this in spite of the fact he just admitted how awful he was as a person. “I know that you still learn when you copy off my work. You’re still solving the problems, unlike others. You have a good character, Rina-san.”

“So do you. I have always known, even when our classmates have their doubts. You’ve never been competitive and I can tell you’re happy to share all of your knowledge because you truly love animals,” Rina said, motioning at the stack of papers. A quick inspection showed her that though Hirugami was capable of writing with his left hand, the text was barely legible. “But for someone who always helps others, you’ve always been stubborn to accept help, Hirugami-kun.”

“What are  _ you _ doing?” Hirugami said incredulously. For someone who seemed so quiet, Rina was incredibly assertive.

“Helping you,” she said, taking a pen from her pencil case. “What kind of friend would I be if I just sat here and watched you struggle? Just tell me everything you want to say and I’ll write it. You don’t have much time left, and there’s not much use for a letter that Hoshiumi-san can’t read.”

Feeling a surge of gratitude, Hirugami finally gave in to the first genuine smile in days. “I don’t have a choice but to trust you then. Thank you, Rina-san. This helps a lot.”

* * *

The late afternoon breeze flowed through the window, accompanied by the sound of birds singing amongst themselves. The wind tickled the back of Hoshiumi’s neck as he finished typing a knot around the garment he was wearing. Though it was the transition between spring and summer, the weather was inexplicably colder than normal.  _ That’s what living in the mountains is like I guess,  _ Hoshiumi said, thinking about sneaking a sweater with him.

Standing in front of the full-body mirror in the studio of his parents’ house, Hoshiumi stared back at his reflection. He turned around to inspect his body, his eyes following the pattern of ocean-waves that decorated the navy blue yukata that his mom offered to him. Looking over his shoulder, Hoshiumi squinted at the mirror, imagining his starlight hair as a moon and the folds in his clothes as the ocean. 

“Do you think other people my age wear yukata to these things?” Hoshiumi said finally, wrinkling his nose. He grimaced at his expression in the mirror, draping a loose sleeve over his face to mask his embarrassment. “What if I show up there and I’m the only one dressed like this?”

“Seriously Kourai?” his mother walked in with a smirk on her face, much to Hoshiumi’s displeasure. “It’d be uncool if you showed up in your normal clothes. Besides, it looks like uncle’s yukata fits you perfectly!”

Hoshiumi scowled at the sight of his mother, thinking to himself that it was impossible to get any privacy as long as he lived at home. “I liked Dad’s better,” he muttered, to which his mother burst into laughter.

“Well that’s too bad!” his mother said, on the verge of howling. “There’s no way you’d fit in that. Your dad is a giant, and unfortunately you’re my son! The Little Giant! Good thing your uncle is just about the same size.”

“Lucky me,” Hoshiumi grumbled, shooting a resigned look at the mirror as his mother came closer.

“Oh Kourai,” she gushed, slinging an arm around her shoulder. “You sure are a handsome guy. Now don’t tell Akitomo this, but you’re a lot stronger than he is now. The moms around the neighborhood keep asking me if you’d like to meet their daughters, you know?”

Hoshiumi blushed angrily, feeling an urge to retreat into the folds of his yukata. Though he was extremely receptive to compliments regarding his gameplay, the idea of other people perceiving him as ‘handsome’ felt alien to him. “Stop that,” he muttered, his ears getting red. He uncomfortably recalled Ueno Matsuri’s close inspection of his eyes and face, and the remarks from Hana and her friends. 

“You know, your dad asked me out to this same festival when we were in college,” she quipped, placing her arms on his shoulders. “I didn’t know him that well, but apparently he was working up the courage to ask me for months. I always thought he was such a big nerd and probably incapable of romance, but he really surprised me. When we got there, he took me to this special hill by the river and brought a blanket for us to sit on. While everyone was sitting by the river and had to pay for tickets to see it, we had the best spot in the town all to ourselves, and spent all that time getting to know each other. You asked about our first kiss right?”

“Yeah,” Hoshiumi said, exaggerating a grossed out look.

“Well! That’s where it was! Maybe your first kiss will be tonight, too,” Hoshiumi’s mom exclaimed, violently shaking him back and forth. “You didn’t forget what I said about that first kiss, right?”

_ Right.  _ Hoshiumi thought to himself, realizing that though he confessed to his mother almost everything that transpired between him and Hirugami, he left out some key details. Admitting that he had feelings for the other boy was a struggle in itself, let alone telling her that he had broken their promise.  _ She doesn’t know I kissed him. A few times.  _

“Sure.”

Hoshiumi’s mother gave a satisfied smile as she stared at the reflection of the two of them together in the mirror. Hoshiumi might have been small among the sea of giants in volleyball, but had grown to become a man taller than his mother. “Remember when you used to go up to my shoulder, Kourai?” she said wistfully, straightening the wrinkles out of his yukata. “When we went to the store, the old lady used to call you my mini-me. Now look at us. I’m growing old and look at who you’ve become!”

“Who I’ve become?” Hoshiumi blinked as he suddenly noticed the crows feet by his mom’s twinkling eyes. The inevitability of time and change was something that Hoshiumi had always pushed to the back of his mind. He used to firmly believe that the constants in his life would stay constants to infinity.

Six years ago, if Hoshiumi had to name the pillars upholding his life that he thought would never change, it would be volleyball, his mother and family, his height, and his friendship with Hirugami Sachirou. That answer would have stayed the same if he named them a week ago; that was how sure Hoshiumi had been about them. However, he realized he was foolish to think that any of these things would last forever. Volleyball was the sport of the mind and body, two parts of humanity that were both strong, but fragile. Retirement, injuries, and losing were occupational hazards that plagued even the most prepared of players. The number that used to define his height changed gradually, to the point he didn’t even notice until he had to take his official measurements. Whether he liked it or not, his mother and family members were growing older. And then, there was Hirugami Sachirou. What were they any more? His friendship with Hirugami had collapsed on itself in the worst way possible.

“Mom,” Hoshiumi said, staring back at his reflection as if he was a stranger. The man in front of him may have been named Hoshiumi Kourai, but he didn’t feel like Hoshiumi Kourai. Gone was the confident, self-assuredness that Hoshiumi recognized in himself and his identity.  _ I don’t even know if what I’m doing is right any more. Am I moving on from the past too fast? Is it supposed to be that way?  _

“What is it, Kourai?”

“I don’t think I know who I am anymore,” Hoshiumi breathed, fighting the strangest urge to rip off the delicate cloth on his shoulders. “What am I doing?”

Hoshiumi’s mother put her arms around him in alarm. “Kourai, if you don’t want to go out tonight then you can call it off,” she said, holding her son’s hair. “Are you thinking about him again?”

“It’s not just him,” Hoshiumi muttered, cursing the defects in his resolve. “Everything’s just happening so fast you know? Things are changing faster than I can adapt. Can you believe that? Me? Having trouble adapting for once… it sounds like a joke.”

“You don’t have to come in first place in everything, Kourai. Especially moving on,” his mother said, reassuringly. “Don’t force yourself to move on if you’re still in pain.”

“I’m not in pain, Mom. Not over that,” Hoshiumi protested, a hot surge of anger flowing through him as he remembered the last time he saw Hirugami’s face. “And definitely not over him. I’m not that weak. I  _ do  _ want to go to the festival today with Hana-chan. I just need to stop worrying about the past and the future and focus on the present, that’s all.”

Hoshiumi’s words were too earnest to be lies. His mother sighed, realizing that he had already made up his mind even if his actions were contradictory. “I think you’re just confused because what you feel like you should do doesn’t align with what your heart wants, Kourai,” she said softly.

“What my heart wants doesn’t exist,” Hoshiumi said flatly. “If I’ve learned anything lately, hearts change. Besides, I think I like this girl. I just don’t know her as long as I’ve known him, but turns out time didn’t matter. I didn’t know him at all. I feel like in the short time I’ve known Hana, she’s already been more honest with me than he ever has been.”

_ He still won’t say his name, _ his mother thought sadly.  _ Kourai, you never stopped thinking about Sachirou, have you? Not even right now.  _

Hoshiumi checked the time on the clock, noting it was almost time. His mother put a hand on his arm as he turned away. “Kourai, are you sure that this feels right to you?” she asked, waiting for his response.

“It’s right,” Hoshiumi said. His conviction was slowly returning as he started collecting his thoughts. “Thanks Mom. I’ll let you know how it goes okay?”

Shoving his phone, keys, and wallet into his inner pocket, Hoshiumi gave his mother a kiss on the cheek before walking out into the hazy blue evening. The rhythm of his steps matched with his heartbeat as Hoshiumi felt more determined than ever, that what he was doing was what he wanted.

_ It’s time I make peace with the fact that everything’s changed. Every step forward is going in the right direction. If I don’t keep moving, then I’ll be stuck while the world continues without me. If I hang on to every mistake, then I’ll forget how it feels like to score. _

_ If nothing lasts forever, then the only choice I have is to live.  _

Standing in front of Hana’s place, Hoshiumi thought to himself if life was a game, he reached another point of no return. He ran a hand through his coarse, white hair, checking his appearance one final time in the reflection of his phone when he heard the sound of sandals tapping stone. Dressed in an elegant flower-patterned yukata and wearing her hair in an intricate bun was Hoshiumi’s date. Feeling like the first time he had been reacquainted with Hirugami at the cafe two weeks ago, Hoshiumi felt short of breath as he stared intensely back at her nervous brown eyes. He no longer remembered the shade of Sachirou’s eyes to compare them to. It was as if the colors he used to associate with Hirugami had become forgotten relics in his mind.

_ If nothing lasts forever, then the memories of you will fade away too.  _

“Hey,” he said, offering his arm out to her with a shy smile. “Let’s go.”

* * *

By the time Hirugami finished talking about his memories of Hoshiumi Kourai from his second year at Kamomedai to present time, the evening lights flickered on in the completely empty library, turning on with a hum. People had left hours ago to get ready for the fireworks festival, and Hirugami never felt more comfortable in public than he did now. “I never expected that you were the type to keep an entire novel’s worth of thoughts to yourself until today, Hirugami-kun,” Rina mused as she organized the pages. “But I guess it makes sense for someone who is so analytical. You think a lot.”

Hirugami had been watching Rina’s handiwork in admiration, wearing his signature “wow” expression as his mouth was hanging open. “You are much faster at taking notes than I am,” he said, passing her a binder clip from his bag. “I’m really impressed.”

“I know,” she said with a laugh. “You’ve been watching me like my little brother whenever I tell him about all the things we have to do in school. You really are the baby of your family.”

“I’ve spent most of my life being picked on by my much cooler siblings,” he said with a quiet laugh, taking the stack of papers from Rina. “I thought that this would take days, but I guess the timeline was much longer in my head than it actually was. Time moves by so fast.”

Both of them looked out the window as they heard the sound of the first firework of the night, a bright flash in the sky that disappeared as fast as it appeared. The imprint of the explosion still hung in the sky, blending in inconspicuously with the clouds. 

“I think that was just a test,” Rina said, arching her brow. “There’s still plenty of time before the show starts I think. Are you going to see them tonight, Hirugami-kun?”

Hirugami shook his head. “Not this year. I don’t feel like celebrating this year and I’d rather be alone. Fukuro went back to his apartment today. He’s probably going to go out drinking with some friends like he does every year,” Hirugami said, thinking to himself about the time he had to go to the emergency room because his brother had succumbed to alcohol poisoning trying to out-drink his rival, Meian Shugo.  _ Nii-chan and I are tied now, at least.  _

“I might just watch it from home with my siblings. It’s been a pretty emotional day and I’d like to rewind at home,” Rina said, glancing back at Hirugami. “You know Hirugami-kun, I think that this letter will mean so much to Hoshiumi-san. I hope that I was able to capture how much you loved him.”

“I can’t express how grateful I am that you would do something like this for me. Please, when I’m well again let me treat you out to as many meals as you want and anything related to school,” Hirugami said, suddenly overwhelmed with guilt. “You really didn’t have to do all of this for me. Is there anything you want from me to repay your kindness?”

Rina lifted her hand up meekly. “There’s no need, Hirugami-kun. Doing this helped me too,” she slung the strap of her bag over her shoulder and brushed the hair out of her eyes.

“Rina-san, I understand how it’s like to repay a favor to a friend,” Hirugami asked, confused. “But at the same time, why would you do this for me? I am very thankful, but I feel like I don’t deserve this kindness from you.”

“Hirugami-kun, you need to stop thinking that kindness is something that you have to earn,” Rina said with a deep breath. “Hoshiumi-san was kind to you because he saw someone who was suffering a long time ago. That’s what I saw today, and I couldn’t leave you alone. Also, I have to admit that you’re not the only one who feels selfish.  _ I’ve  _ been selfish this whole time. You see, Hirugami-kun… I loved you too.”

Hirugami was at a loss for words as Rina gave him her own admission. The interest she took in him in particular since the day they met, her reaction to her friend getting close to him at the dinner he brought Hoshiumi to, and the caring gazes she gave as he spilled his heart to her all made sense. Even if she was being selfish, Hirugami noted, her actions were still generous. “I am so sorry,” Hirugami said, lamenting over the fact he had been so careless when it came to noticing her affections. “This… probably wasn’t pleasant for you at all then.”

“I actually understood you for the first time today. I feel like you understand this more than anyone else, but when you truly love someone, this kind of work doesn’t feel like work at all. Knowing how you felt about Hoshiumi-san helped me get over you in a way,” Rina said, giving Hirugami an unexpected warm smile that reached her eyes. “I always wondered what kind of person you were when it came to love. The hurt that I might feel from not having my feelings returned is nothing compared to the decades you’ve spent loving Hoshiumi-san in silence. Anyways, this helped me get over my silly schoolgirl crush and satisfy my curiosity.”

Touched by Rina’s words, Hirugami felt a warmth spreading through his body. “I hope that’s all true. Well, at the end of this week I’ll send this off to Nii-chan and my chapter with Kourai-kun will have closure,” he said, stashing the letter away in a folder. “Anyways, now that we know so much about each other, I guess we have no choice but to be friends right? Feel free to call me Sachirou. I almost wish you told me sooner about your feelings. If I knew, I wouldn’t have put you through this trouble.”

Rina’s eyebrows shot up as she seemed to remember something she forgot. “Sachirou,” she said in a hurried voice. “There was a reason that I didn’t tell you about my feelings sooner. It has to do with the time that Hoshiumi-san and I walked home together. You see, I actually wondered if Hoshiumi-san was in love with you.” 

The silence throughout the library was deafening as Hirugami struggled to process the words that came out of Rina’s mouth.

“What?”

“The way he was talking about you,” Rina said slowly, trying to remember the look in Hoshiumi’s eyes as they stood under the streetlights together. “He was trying to convince me to go after you and tell you how I felt and that we’d be right for each other. But the whole time, he looked so sad. Almost as if he was trying to convince himself that he was okay with losing you. After you told me your story, I thought that I probably misinterpreted his words because as you said, he’s only seen you as a friend. But the first time I heard them, I thought to myself… is  _ Hoshiumi-san _ in love with Hirugami-kun? It’s probably a foolish thought now, but… he seemed heartbroken over the idea that he wasn’t enough for you. That maybe having a girlfriend instead would give you the happiness you needed.”

_ No…  _ Hirugami sank back into his seat, the sound of glass shattering replaying in his head. He had replayed their fight in the back of his mind for days, wondering why Hoshiumi was so upset over an action that Hirugami thought was so miniscule. He had been so convinced that Hoshiumi had developed fast-acting feelings for the girl they met at the park and that had been the cause of their fallout and insecurities, but what Rina was telling him painted an entirely different picture. The way that Hoshiumi was so upset even before that at the mention of Hirugami moving on, something he brought up to reassure Hoshiumi that their friendship was still intact should have been a clear indicator of deeper feelings. “Wait,” Hirugami said in a shaky voice. “Rina-san, are you sure about this?”

“He really cares about you,” Rina said, biting her lip as it dawned on her. “Hoshiumi-san can talk about how much he likes you for days. He named things I didn’t even know about you. It felt wrong to admit my feelings to you after Hoshiumi-san told me all of those things in confidence. Anyways, I think that’s why you shouldn’t wait.”

“I need to see Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said, standing up with a sense of urgency. “I need to talk to him right now. I think I might have fucked up even more than I thought I did.”

* * *

The path to Hoshiumi’s house was second nature to Hirugami at this point. In that moment, Hirugami was far from immovable as he made his way up the hill that led up to the house he visited countless times. From faraway, he could smell meat cooking over charcoal and the sound of fanfares and drums, running past the colorful processions of festival-goers and into the quiet suburbs of Nagano. As he passed the fireworks festival, Hirugami felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that there was a chance he was heading toward the wrong direction.

_ Why do I have the feeling that I’m going the wrong way,  _ Hirugami thought to himself, wondering if Hoshiumi was among the sea of people.  _ No, there’s no way Kourai-kun is going out already. He doesn’t like crowds that much still. He’s probably at home with his mother. I hope he is. _

About half an hour later, Hirugami arrived at his destination, huffing as he approached the door. The lights were still on in the house, a promising sight. He paused before knocking gently on the door with his good hand, composing himself as he imagined Hoshiumi opening the door.

Instead, he was greeted by a familiar surprised face that looked far too similar to Hoshiumi’s. Standing in the doorway with her eyes bulging out and almost an entire foot below Hirugami was Hoshiumi’s mother. “Hirugami Sachirou?” she said so loudly that her voice resembled a squawk. “I thought you were Kourai and that you forgot something at home! Also what happened to you?”

“I…” Hirugami said, just as surprised to see Hoshiumi’s mother.  _ This is far from ideal.  _ “I’m so sorry Oba-san… I thought you were Kourai too for a minute. Is he home?”

Hoshiumi’s mother gave a worried frown. “I’m sorry Sachirou-kun, Kourai isn’t around right now. He left an hour ago to pick up his date. He’s been seeing someone the past week.”

Hirugami’s blood ran cold as he stood outside the door. As another stray firework went off, he remained unshakeable as his mind could only think of one word.

“Date?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh first off sorry for this sad author's note in general. im sorry for the delays. let's just say everything that could have gone wrong in life went wrong this week, but having something to work on is helping me stay normal. everyone remember to love the people around you when you still can, and thank you to everyone who's kept up with this story. it's been such a source of comfort for me to share my writing with everyone, and if anyone wants to send me me hiruhoshi art i will owe you my life... anyways ahh, hoshiumi's mom i love you so much i keep writing you in more than i should because i think of you all the time. also thank you bri for beta reading this chapter your mind is so big and i appreciate you so so much <3 also LISTEN I think that hirugami would have a lot of friends who are girls. i feel like he would get along really well with them, be able to come up with clever comebacks, and has experience listening to shouko all the time... also girls are awesome.


	16. Lost At Sea

The fireworks festival was a larger event than Hoshiumi ever remembered it to be. What once was a fairly small event frequented by fireworks hobbyists and families had become a prefecture-famous spectacle that attracted tourists from around the country. The Suwako fireworks festival was a celebration under the stars, an idyllic setting to watch an elaborate display of explosions that framed Nagano's famous mountains.

The familiar river _Suwako_ that Hoshiumi used to bike by as a child had been transformed into a mesmerizing ocean of colors, sounds, and smells. Following his companion, Hoshiumi plunged headfirst into a sea of strangers, his eyes darting around wildly for something to anchor onto. The trees that he used to climb by the riverbank were now unrecognizable houses for lanterns upon lanterns. With thousands of people gathering tonight to see the fireworks including tourists from around the world and outside the prefecture, Hoshiumi knew it was wishful thinking to run into someone he knew. 

_Can too much light be a bad thing?_

Hoshiumi’s mind started spinning as he wondered if something was wrong with him. The joyful music that was no different from the excitable fanfares that would play before matches sounded harsh and discordant. He had no appetite for the welcoming aromas that wafted from the open food stands, his usual weakness when it came to spending money on those kinds of occasions. The dancing lights around him seemed to call out his name, beckoning him to partake in the infectious parade of light.

“Kourai-kun, isn’t this beautiful?” Hana exclaimed, her eyes shining with glee as she turned around to take in their surroundings. “All of these lights… I can’t tell where I am anymore. Is this even Nagano?”

The brightness in her voice and expression was almost blinding as she looked at him, awaiting a response. _Right,_ Hoshiumi thought, feeling his palms sweat. _I’m supposed to be like that too. Light._ He had only seconds to remember how to be light before she suspected something was wrong.

“Ha!” Hoshiumi flashed a smile. “That’s what I was thinking too!”

As she smiled back at him, Hoshiumi remembered that this was a real date. He had asked her to come with him to the festival, and they were indistinguishable from the hundreds of other couples existing around them. It was exactly the situation that he pictured in his mind’s eye two weeks ago, as he swore to his teammates that he was going to go on a date and find a girl that liked him. In spite of what happened along the way, being here tonight with Hana was the best outcome. 

_I can’t let anything ruin this. This is real. That smile for me is real._

“Hana-chan, let’s take a picture together,” Hoshiumi said suddenly, recalling his old bet with his teammates.

“Oh?” Hana’s confusion was quickly replaced with a nod. “Of course!”

“Can I send it to my teammates?”

“Sure!”

Snapping a candid picture of the two of them, Hoshiumi thanked her as he sent the picture to members of his team. _“First date :)!”_ he captioned the shot, thinking to himself that at the very least, he had gone against his teammates’ expectations. A man of his word, he had accomplished exactly what he set out to do. He smirked as he imagined the responses of surprise and insistence that they would never doubt his ability again, especially when it came to achieving the impossible.

“Do you miss your teammates when you’re away?” Hana asked curiously. “How is being part of a team like?”

“Well,” Hoshiumi started, giving the question some thought. He was grateful that she asked about something that he knew well. “When it comes to volleyball, everyone has their own different playstyles and personalities…”

Finding his anchor in talking about volleyball, the words and thoughts in Hoshiumi’s mind seemed to flow easier. As he explained the intricacies of being part of a team to Hana, Hoshiumi wondered if he was leaning too much on volleyball as a middleman. _Am I talking about myself or volleyball too much again? Is that wrong?_

“You don’t mind that I’m talking about volleyball right now, right?” Hoshiumi asked cautiously. 

“Not at all!” Hana said bracingly. “I like volleyball. Besides, all of this information is really useful.”

Hoshiumi breathed a sigh of relief. _Good, because it’s the only thing I really know how to talk about right now._

“I’m glad,” Hoshiumi said, raking his hair nervously with his hand. The time that he was spending with Hana was different from any other outing he had in his life. Her presence was overwhelmingly _bright_. He wasn’t used to the sight of someone’s eyes lighting up at him with admiration, clinging to every word. It was everything that he thought he wanted out of life and love, and yet he was as far from relaxed as possible. 

“Speaking of teammates, I was wondering if you were okay with meeting up with some of my old teammates from Kamomedai. They’re here tonight and really interested in meeting you,” Hana said, walking next to Hoshiumi steadily. “Of course, if you don’t mind!”

“Hm?” Hoshiumi said, idly flicking a pinwheel on display to vent out his unintelligible feelings. “Sure, I’m interested in meeting your friends. What did you tell them about me?”

Feeling a rush of wind from children running past them, Hoshiumi realized that he was already meeting her friends. Though it passed by him as a casual suggestion, it dawned on him how fast this was moving compared to what he had known before.

_“Sachirou, please take me with you. I want to meet your friends. I want to be a part of your world, too. Please!”_

Hoshiumi flinched as he felt a sharp pang in his heart when he remembered his past desperation only days ago, coupled with the memory of Hirugami's resigned, faded brown eyes looking down at him. 

_“Okay. But there’s nothing in it for you.”_

The color brown was for lifeless objects. Dead leaves, tree bark, hardened vines, and Hirugami Sachirou, Hoshiumi reminded himself. They were ghosts, after-images of halcyon days that were painful to remember. The first time that Hoshiumi wondered that brown wasn’t necessarily the color of death was when he faced his rival, Hinata Shoyo, a force of life that shattered his own preconceptions about height. Apart from that, whenever he thought of brown, he thought about the boy that he failed to bring to life. 

_Maybe the more time we spend together,_ Hoshiumi said, watching Hana’s eyes light up with warmth as she talked about her friends. _I’ll start unlearning that color and fill it with memories of you instead. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to go?_

In the world of volleyball, Hoshiumi’s world, the only concepts that existed were today and tomorrow. Echoing a sentiment that his high school coach Aaron Murphy used to say, there was “no use in crying over lost yesterdays.” As he let the past slip away from him unconsciously, Hoshiumi finally found beauty in the bustling, crowded festival full of welcome distractions.

Catching Hana staring longingly at the plush toys hanging from a ring toss stall, Hoshiumi felt his competitive spirit flare. “Hey, do you like festival games? If we both play, we have a higher chance at winning a prize,” he said encouragingly.

“Well, not really,” Hana said shyly. “I’m not so good at them. My sister tells me they’re all rigged so that the vendors don’t run out of prizes.”

“A rigged game is just a bigger challenge!” Hoshiumi said, rubbing his hands eagerly. “You can argue that volleyball is a rigged game because the bigger you are, the greater the advantage. But there are other ways to game the system. My brother Akitomo and I used to go to every stall finding out what each person’s trick was.”

Hoshiumi pulled out a handful of coins from his wallet. “Five rings please!” he said a bit too loudly, startling the vendor. Slipping the rings around his wrist he suspended them in the air for his date to see, letting out a knowing snicker.

“I thought so,” Hoshiumi said, giving an impish smile. “It’s hard to tell, but each of these rings is weighted with something inside. Like little metal balls. Can you see it? It’s to throw off the player so they don’t make the three in a row needed to win a prize. Like that’ll stop me.”

Hana’s eyes widened with fascination as she watched Hoshiumi scope out his surroundings for the right target. “Y’see, it’s just like volleyball. Every little detail has an effect on your toss. How much the ball weighs, how fast it’s coming at you, and how to position yourself. The best setters know if anything has changed about the ball- whether it’s brand new and inflated to maximum capacity or losing some of its air. It changes how you toss. Except instead of a pass, ring toss is about how you pick your target and flick your wrist,” Hoshiumi said expertly, ignoring the puzzled expressions on both the vendor and his date. “Okay, I’ve found the center on this ring. I’m gonna go for that target at two o’clock.”

With the precision of threading a needle, Hoshiumi nailed his target with ease. Resisting the urge to follow up his success by pointing upwards, he grinned confidently as he lifted up the next rings. “Let’s do that four more times.”

True to his word, Hoshiumi effortlessly tossed the rings on target, adding an extra flair on the last one as he flicked his wrist to add a spin. Watching the ring circle the peg like a small neon tornado, he smacked his lips with satisfaction. “How’s that?” Hoshiumi said, with the gusto of a performer.

“Kourai-kun,” Hana said in awe. “You’re pretty amazing, you know that?”

Hoshiumi let out a laugh to compliment his sudden surge in pride. “This is all yours on one condition,” he said, holding up the giant panda and giving it a squeeze. “I get to be its first hug.”

Hana wrinkled her nose before chuckling at Hoshiumi’s eccentricity. “You’re a pretty strange guy, Kourai-kun. But in a good way.”

Spotting his next challenge in the distance, a ball scooping game, Hoshiumi’s expression lit up with delight. He motioned for Hana to follow him as he blazed a path through the sea of people to the next stall, feeling like a child again. “I’ll win them all!” Hoshiumi exclaimed, basking in the admiration from passing children and their parents who watched him play from the sidelines. 

_That’s right. This is who I am._

* * *

“Am I still welcome here after everything that’s happened?”

Staring down at the cup of tea nestled between his good hand and his cast, Hirugami found himself unable to meet the luminous pair of eyes that gazed sympathetically at him. It had been a while since he visited the Hoshiumi family home, a place that he used to feel more comfortable in than his own home. His relationship with Hoshiumi’s mother had always been a polite one. As she exuberantly thanked him and doted over him for “looking after Kourai” and “making her proud”, Hirugami would always respond courteously and formally as to not overstep any boundaries. Sitting on the steps leading to the backyard, Hirugami figured this was a long past due reunion.

However, in the wake of his sudden panic over his plans changing so drastically, Hirugami found himself pouring out his feelings to yet another person that day. He couldn’t help but feel a wave of embarrassment as it dawned on him that he poured his heart out to _Hoshiumi’s mother_. The woman that birthed, loved and raised Kourai and shared his same unique eyes. He awaited her response with baited breath, instantly regretting every word that left his mouth.

“Of course you are, Sachirou-kun,” Hoshiumi’s mother said tenderly, slipping a hand to lift the cup of tea to Hirugami’s face. “Please drink some tea. Your throat sounds strained.”

_Huh?_

Hirugami tore his eyes away from his wretched reflection and looked at Hoshiumi’s mother in disbelief. “Why?” he asked hoarsely, confused at her reaction. “Aren’t you mad at me? Wouldn’t you be? You’re his mother… not mine.”

“You will and always will be welcome here,” Hoshiumi’s mom said firmly, but kindly. “No matter what happens between you and Kourai. Because I know from the bottom of my heart and yours now that you would never do anything to hurt him. Besides, you’re basically a part of our family, too.”

Hirugami took a long sip from the clay cup, trying to keep his hands from shaking. As the liquid touched his cracked lips, he was filled with the sensation of warmth. Even the bitterness of the tea was comforting as he savored the hints of toasted rice, and for a moment all of his troubles seemed to fall away. 

“Akitomo always asks Kourai if he’ll bring you over so he can have a worthy opponent for one-on-one basketball. You might not know it, but you’re popular around this house. It’s always Sachirou this, Sachirou that. Kourai is really proud of you,” Hoshiumi’s mother mused, looking up gently at Hirugami. “I think he still is.”

“I don’t deserve him anyways,” Hirugami laughed sadly. Watching a firework go off with a resounding boom, he wondered to himself if Hoshiumi was enjoying the same sky. “I should have stuck to the original plan. I don’t know what came over me.”

Hoshiumi’s mother let out a guffaw. “After all of this, you’re still thinking like that? That’s exactly what got you in this situation in the first place,” she said, her hands on her hips. “You had everyone fooled! Even me! Not in a million years did I think that the reason you did all of this was because you loved him. If I knew, the advice I gave him would be a lot different. It’s a real mess.”

Hirugami winced, forgetting that the entire Hoshiumi family was brutally honest in a way that never minced words. Hoshiumi’s mother pressed on, cutting him off before he could open his mouth. “I don’t blame you one bit, Sachirou-kun. Fortune really didn’t favor you two when it came to love, did it? You must have been so terrified, so scared of your own feelings for so long. I can only imagine,” she said, compassionately putting a hand around Hirugami. “But please know one thing at least. You’re safe here.”

“Thank you,” Hirugami said quietly, a sense of ease falling over him.

“You’re really not used to all of this kindness are you?” Hoshiumi’s mother teased affectionately, giving the larger boy a small hug. “C’mon Sachirou-kun, I’m asking you to take it. I’m not going to yell at you for every mistake you made when it comes to my son. Heck, I’m sure you know it more than anyone else if you wrote a novel like that of a love letter!”

“It’s not a love letter,” Hirugami said hastily, as Hoshiumi’s mother let out a cackle.

“It basically is!” she howled. “Just call it what it is already, you’re driving me crazy! Stop pretending to be someone you’re not to Kourai is all I ask. It does more harm than good. I’m sure that what he wants more than anything is the honest you. Maybe then you can be friends again.”

 _Friends._ Hirugami pursed his lips as he gave a wan smile. “Well, that’d be nice,” he said, rubbing his hands against the cup for warmth. “I guess it’s the best I can hope for after all of this. He’s on a date right now, isn’t he?”

Hoshiumi’s mother made a funny face. “Of course he is. I mean, did you really think that Kourai would be that hopeless with love? A _world-class athlete_ ? Haven’t your siblings told you about things like fans, other athletes... _Olympic Village_? Kourai could breathe and find someone that wants him back. You could have just told him this the moment he expressed his doubts and that’d be the end of that! Did you really think he had no chance?”

“I think that was wishful thinking on my part. I’m really awful aren’t I,” Hirugami said, dodging an elbow attack from Hoshiumi’s mother. _God, they really are too similar._

“The point is, even with all of that I think deep in his heart he knows that isn’t the kind of relationship he’s looking for. But what do I really know about his love life? I’m his mother!” she continued with a maniacal laugh. “What young man tells his mother about his love life? If your mom heard everything you’ve done, she’d have a heart attack! Heck, even I get secondhand worries for you based on what Kourai tells me.”

“I’m sorry,” Hirugami muttered, feeling a thump on his back as Hoshiumi’s mother let out another loud, “don’t be!”

Hirugami sipped at his tea idly as he fixed his gaze on the moon appearing above the mountain ridge. So much had changed the past five years in ways he couldn’t begin to explain. Compared to his teammates who continued playing volleyball professionally and still knew the same people, Hirugami started all over again the moment he went to university. He was quick to find out that he wasn’t the type to be too attached to the past, save for his feelings for Hoshiumi and his dog. He never found himself missing a sense of familiarity or seeking comfort the way that Kourai often did, but as he sat next to Hoshiumi’s mother, staring at the mountains of Nagano that hadn’t changed since he was a child, Hirugami thought to himself that it was nice. 

“So what do I do now?” Hirugami said, thinking out loud.

“Hm?” Hoshiumi’s mother said, a hand on her chin. “That’s a good question.”

“I feel like I’m choosing whether I move forward and accept what’s happened between Kourai-kun and I or go back and try to fix everything. I mean, he could very well be having the time of his life right now, and who am I to come out of nowhere and ruin all of that with a years late confession. That’s selfish isn’t it? That, or I make the most painless decision possible: I give Kourai-kun all the time and space he needs and see if we find each other again,” Hirugami admitted, weighing the options in his mind.

Feeling a sharp elbow in his side, Hirugami let out a yelp as Hoshiumi’s mother glowered at him unexpectedly. “You’re thinking about it all wrong!” she snapped, crossing her arms. “It’s not a matter of what direction you take. You owe Kourai the truth. And telling me isn’t going to do anything either, I’m Kourai’s mom, not Kourai. There’s no such thing as fate and finding each other again. It’s a miracle that you and Kourai found each other back at Yurichu! There’s nothing in the stars that will tell you it’ll happen again. As a mother, there’s only one thing I ask for someone who loves my son. You be honest to him, and let Kourai _choose_ what he wants instead of what you think you deserve!”

It had been a long time since Hirugami was on the receiving end of another person’s rant, but he was immensely grateful for it. He had felt largely detached as of late, but Hoshiumi’s mother’s words pulled him down to the ground another time. His feet planted firmly on the ground, Hirugami could finally answer his own question.

“Asa-san,” he said, his voice trailing off. “I’m so thankful-”

Hirugami was cut off by a strong hug from Hoshiumi’s mother, one that almost knocked him over as they sat on the steps facing the backyard together. “No matter what happens next, you’re always welcome back here Sachirou-kun. If you need someone to talk to, I can be your mother for a minute, alright?” she said with a big smile, her arms wrapped around the large boy. “Y’know? You might be a big guy but some things are too large to shoulder alone.”

“Asa-san,” Hirugami asked, suddenly feeling overwhelmingly emotional. Perhaps it was the excess of fireflies taking advantage of the mild summer night, but a dancing light returned in his warm brown eyes. “Can I ask you something? Has Kourai-kun talked about this with you at all? How does he feel about the whole thing?”

“Those are Kourai’s feelings to share with you, not mine!” Hoshiumi’s mom said with a hearty laugh. “Why don’t you go ask him yourself?”

* * *

After beating all of the festival games with finesse, Hoshiumi begrudgingly followed Hana away from the games stalls to the rendezvous point where they would meet her friends. Nearing a gaggle of girls dressed in yukata who were of remarkable height, Hoshiumi knew these had to be volleyball players.

“Kourai-kun, these are my friends,” Hana said, excitedly, pulling Hoshiumi gently by his sleeve. “See, he’s real!”

Hoshiumi gave a satisfied smirk as the girls’ expressions seemed to change to shock and awe upon seeing him. Feeling recharged, Hoshiumi’s chest started to swell with pride. _That’s right_ , Hoshiumi thought to himself smugly. _You’re looking at a Division 1 V.League champion._

“Hoshiumi-san from the Schweiden Adlers?” one of the girls said loudly, drawing some attention from festival-goers. “Hana, you weren’t kidding were you?”

Exchanging pleasant introductions, Hoshiumi gave courteous smiles and nodded accordingly as the girls bombarded him with questions and compliments. As they ripped out notebook paper for him to sign, Hoshiumi imagined that he was at a fan meet-and-greet. He came to realize that a part of him truly enjoyed the attention; it felt like a reward for all the hard work that he had put into polishing his skill. “Signed, Hoshiumi Kourai #16, the Little Giant,” Hoshiumi said flashily, putting a star by his name.

“ _Little_ Giant. What a fitting nickname for you, Hoshiumi-san,” one of the taller girls said, a comment that would have ticked off his high school self. Hoshiumi paused for a bit, registering his feelings to see if that twinge of annoyance was still there.

Instead, he could hear the echo of another sentiment deep within him. _"When people compliment you like that, they're just trying to compliment you. You of all people are fully aware that it's a disadvantage, yes? Overcoming a disadvantage to perform well is an amazing thing, no matter how people happen to phrase it."_

A strange expression crossed his face as he tried to trace the origin of those words. “You’re right,” Hoshiumi said with a nod. “I can’t think of a nickname that fits better.”

Without the distraction of games and the peculiar feeling of orbiting around other peoples’ conversation, Hoshiumi started to tune out Hana’s reunion with her teammates. _Everything was going great,_ he thought, fidgeting with the side of his yukata. _So why is this weird feeling back?_

As Hana and her friends continued chattering about their old classmates and their whereabouts, Hoshiumi’s attention was drawn to loud, splashing noises. His eyes falling on the glistening pond full of koi, Hoshiumi watched as kids gleefully scooped out the fish in bowls for prizes. 

“Mommy!” one of the kids said gleefully, grabbing the fish by its tail. It was a strikingly beautiful koi, orange and white but flecked with gold specks that were certainly eye-catching. “Look! I got a pretty one! It’s all mine now.”

Hoshiumi couldn’t help but wince as he saw her drop the fish roughly back into the bowl. 

_“I hate that game.”_

The hairs on Hoshiumi’s neck stood up as he was hit by another intrusive memory. One where he stood next to Hirugami at the Kamomedai Sports Festival their second year, staring down at a basin full of koi only a bit smaller than this one. As Hoshiumi gleefully watched his friends fight over fish with their bowls, he was interrupted by the unexpected gloominess in Hirugami’s voice.

_“Huh?”_

It was rare for Hirugami to show too much emotion even back then, but for once Hoshiumi had a clear read on his mood.

 _“People don’t think about how the fish are probably suffering in there. Cramped in such a small basin. Pulled out like prizes for people to show off, and then dropped back in the water to repeat the process,”_ Sachirou said sadly. _“A lot of the fish end up losing their color or dying from the stress. What do you think of it, Kourai-kun?”_

 _“I guess I never thought of it before,”_ Hoshiumi said, frowning at Hirugami bringing down the mood. _“I just thought about how nice it feels to catch a fish.”_

Hoshiumi winced, recalling his adolescent foolishness as he reluctantly tore his eyes away from the _kin_ _gyo-sukui_ game. _It’s not even like they’re living creatures. Just trophies._ The thought made him uneasy.

“Hoshiumi-kun!” one of Hana’s friends called out to him, drawing his attention back to their conversation. 

Hoshiumi snapped out of his train of thought, cursing the wound that kept reopening itself at inopportune times. “Huh?”

“You were good friends with Hirugami Sachirou right?” Another one of Hana’s friends asked eagerly, peering off to the side of Hana’s tall friend. “We were just talking about him. How’s he doing after graduation?”

 _Talk about ripping the band-aid off and salting the wound,_ Hoshiumi thought to himself bitterly, as he faced the eyes looking back curiously at him. “I don’t know, why don’t you ask him?” he said, no longer caring about social etiquette. 

Unexpectedly, all of the girls started to laugh in an annoying chorus. Hoshiumi was grateful to see that Hana did not laugh with them as one of the girls continued to talk. “Hirugami-kun isn’t the kind of guy you just talk to. We were just wondering why he isn’t here tonight. Do you think he had a hard time choosing which girl to bring with him to the festival?” Hana’s friend said, jokingly. “I think everyone on the girl’s team had their Hirugami-kun phase.”

“Yeah, but only Karin-chan got to date him her third year,” another girl protested, crossing her arms. “Well… sort of if that counts as dating. She told me they kissed at the sports festival. It’s because he has a weakness for short girls I heard.”

“I heard this story. She basically cornered him, didn’t she?” Hana said uneasily before another girl cut over her.

“The short girl thing was definitely a rumor. Didn’t he have a girlfriend his second year who was about 180cm tall from the basketball club? She was so pretty, like one of those models. I used to see him wait outside before practices to walk her home. That lasted for about four months I think.”

Hoshiumi’s stomach dropped as he continued listening in from outside, trying to curb his desire to throw something. Instead, he channeled his remaining energy on the mountains framing the night sky in the distance. 

“Hana, didn’t you see him recently? Is he still handsome? He rarely updates his profiles, it’s just pictures of his dog. The really, really old one,” her friend complained.

“Ah, I saw him at the park with Kourai-kun recently,” Hana said, giving Hoshiumi a worried look. “He seemed to be doing alright. He looks the same as high school, but a bit different in casual clothes. I think he cut his bangs, but apart from that, he was very kind to me. He was giving me some good advice for bl-”

“Oh Hana, you’re so boring,” her friend teased, giving her a playful shove. “He’s a frivolous guy. If he’s being nice to you, he’s flirting with you. If he’s cold, then he’s trying to keep you away. You totally blew your chance.”

 _How many peaks are in that ridge? 12? 10?_ Hoshiumi tried to focus his thoughts away from the dull pain in his heart that pulsed with each word. The bad feeling from the beginning of the festival had returned with full force as he was forced to face its root in the form of vapid gossip. _The clouds are definitely covering a few._

“I wasn’t looking for one,” Hana said, frowning as she looked at Hoshiumi whose eyes were glazed over as he stared far away.

“Well, guess you won another big prize,” her friend said playfully, gesturing at Hoshiumi and speaking in a low voice that she assumed he couldn’t hear. “He’s a lot more handsome than he used to be in high school. Not to mention internationally famous. I think at this point Hoshiumi Kourai is a bigger household name than Heartbreaker Hirugami.”

“We’re not,” Hana said, embarrassed as her friends closed in on her. “Well… I don’t know, I haven’t been thinking like that at all.”

“Yeah,” Hoshiumi said all of a sudden, startling the girls as he spoke a bit too loudly. The light in his eyes had dimmed completely as he abandoned his futile attempt at distracting himself from the emptiness in his heart. “I sure am a prize alright. Still alive and kicking.”

He could hear crying come from the _ki_ _ngyo-sukui_ game as he heard a child wail over one of their caught fish dying unexpectedly. Suspended in the air by the child’s concerned parent, the same beautiful koi from before with gold specks had a duller color than before, its lifeless eyes staring back at Hoshiumi like a bad omen.

“Hirugami-kun’s not the type to go on dates anyways or do anything publicly. I bet whatever girl he has over is at his house right now doing who knows what. Definitely not the type that Hana-chan likes anyways,” her friend said, trying to cover her tracks as she realized Hoshiumi heard himself being referred to as a prize. “Hoshiumi-san is a better guy. I would trust my best friend with him. You know, Hoshiumi-san? I’m usually a territorial best friend and I don’t support most of my friends’ relationships so you’re a special one, alright?”

“I don’t need your approval,” Hoshiumi said darkly, looking back at her with a terrifying gaze. “And I don’t want to hear you guys talk about Sachirou any more like that. None of you know him at all.”

 _I didn’t know him either_ , Hoshiumi thought, gritting his teeth as he tried to stifle his anger. _That’s what’s killing me right now. We’re all the same. None of us know him because he won’t show anyone his true self. And it wasn’t me. But I want to believe that out of everyone here, I’ve seen the most of it._

“Sorry, I had no idea you two were that close,” Hana’s friend apologized, realizing she had struck a nerve with Hoshiumi. “We’ll stop talking about him if it makes you feel better.”

“Just don’t talk about him at all. Let him rest,” Hoshiumi said in a tired voice, thinking of the pain in Hirugami’s voice when he talked about his first kiss and his bleak outlook with relationships. Even though all of his anger felt directed at Sachirou for what happened between them, Hoshiumi still felt loyalty for his old best friend. “I don’t think Sachirou would appreciate being talked about like this. By that way, he likes that name better. Hirugami-kun is also what they call his brother.”

“So do you know where he is right now then? If you two know each other so well?” one of the girls said defensively, much to Hana’s horror.

“I don’t,” Hoshiumi responded flatly. “Are you happy? We don’t talk anymore. Go try your luck. There’s no guard dog Hoshiumi-san to be worried about. But just know one thing. No one deserves to be treated like a prize. Especially someone with hopes, dreams, and feelings. How would it feel if I just went around this circle right now and reduced you to a bunch of looks? Your heights? Your volleyball skills? It’s all stupid, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter.”

Throwing all of his social progress out of the window for a noble cause, Hoshiumi no longer cared that he went on another one of his uncharitable rants. The girls looked back at him stunned and speechless, and he realized he had gone against everything in the rule book for being a well-known public figure. With one long-winded speech, he knew he lost his favor with Hana’s friends, a big no-no in the world of dating because he couldn’t help but let the past overtake the present and future.

Before the impact of his failure could settle over him, Hoshiumi and the others heard the loudspeakers go off to announce the commencement of the fireworks show. “Everyone, the fireworks show is starting in twenty minutes! Please gather at the viewing area, and if you haven’t paid for your tickets, please do so now to enter. For now, please enjoy the live music.”

The fanfare of trumpets and drums drowned out all sound in the crowd as everyone started to move toward the riverbank. Hana’s friends motioned at her to join them, mouthing over the noise that they were going to buy tickets when Hoshiumi pulled her hand gently.

“Let’s go somewhere else,” he said in a low voice, wrestling the pit in his stomach that arose from their conversation. “I know a good place and we don’t need tickets.”

“Oh, okay,” Hana said, looking up at him bewildered. “Kourai-kun, are you alright?”

“I just need to get away from here. I promise we won’t miss the fireworks show. It’s the best view in the house,” Hoshiumi said. “Do you want to come with me?”

Hana gave a quick look at her friends who responded with confused looks back before nodding. “I’ll go with you,” she said, following Hoshiumi as she made apologetic gestures at her friends. “I think my friends understand.”

Breaking free from the crowd, Hoshiumi felt as if he was walking against the ocean tide as he went against the steady flow of strangers. His mind was still hung up on the girls’ words and the bleak reality that this was what Sachirou would face when it came to love. Disgust passed over him as he imagined how long they thought of his friend like that. Years? Did Sachirou ever entertain those thoughts about himself? Hoshiumi knew that Hirugami had to be aware. _It’s why he can’t love anyone properly huh? Why the people that really love him suffer as collateral damage,_ Hoshiumi’s heart pounded with anger. _Love is just an illusion._

“Kourai-kun,” Hana said cautiously as she followed him up the grassy hill. “I’m sorry about what happened back there. I don’t think they meant any harm, and I think that they know you’re right. They should have known better, I think.”

“It’s not your fault,” Hoshiumi said, helping her up as she struggled with her yukata. “Sorry about losing my temper back there. I should have known better.”

“I understand how you feel, Kourai-kun,” she said, her voice getting higher. “If someone talked about my best friend like that, I think I’d be mad too.”

Spotting the vantage point that his mother described vividly to him, Hoshiumi made his way to that part of the hill overlooking the entire expanse of the river, the mountains, the stars, and the sky. Pushing away some stones in the ground with his foot, he put his hands on his hips as he took in the view. “We’re here,” he said, turning to Hana, who pulled out a blanket from her messenger bag. “Isn’t this a lot nicer than being down there?”

He jabbed a thumb at the sea of people and blankets, sitting down at the foot of the hill. “The only price is braving the wilderness a little bit,” Hoshiumi said, kicking off some mud on his sandal. “What do you think, Hana-chan?”

“I feel like I can think a lot clearer when I’m up here,” Hana said breathlessly, in awe of the stars in the absence of light. The night sky was filled with mystery and substance, a map of galaxies that existed beyond not only Nagano, but the entire world and lights that shone brightly millions of light-years away. “It reminds me of the stars at Achi Village. My parents used to take me up there when I was a little girl. There’s no light around for miles, but that’s the beauty of it. It really just feels like you and an ocean of stars.”

“I’ve never been there,” Hoshiumi said, leaning back as he propped his arms behind him for support. “Do you want to go back someday?”

“Yeah,” she said, turning to face the sky with him. “But this is nice, too.”

“It’s nice for now when the sky is all clear. But when the fireworks start, the stars won’t even matter any more. They’ll be drowned by the light,” Hoshiumi said, catching the pessimism in his voice too late. _That’s a very Sachirou thing to say._

“You know Kourai-kun? I wanted to root for you back there,” Hana continued, looking at Hoshiumi directly. “I think that Hirugami-kun would have, too. My friends always call me the old woman of the group because that’s what I think about love, too. I mean, I understand why they think that way but I’ve always felt like I couldn’t do it.”

Far away, the woman on the loudspeaker announced the beginning of the fireworks as the taiko band stopped playing. “Yeah,” Hoshiumi said, grateful that his date seemed to understand his feelings. “I don’t think I could do it either.”

“My friends always laugh at me and tell me I’m naive for thinking the way I do, but I’ve always wanted to fall in love truly and honestly. I know that sounds so silly, like I’m looking for a prince or something,” Hana laughed nervously, glad that it was so dark that no one could see her blush. “I mean, it’s the kind of relationship only children dream about. Not so exciting or dramatic like those shows that my friends and I get so invested in, but the kind of love where it feels like it’s just you and that other person. Like nothing else exists in this world. Am I making sense?”

The fireworks started with a loud bang above them, a fiery red explosion of color that echoed through the night, followed by a golden shower of smaller ones. Hoshiumi could feel Hana shift her weight closer to him instinctively, startled by the noise and the strange desire to be close to someone under the stars. He could feel her warmth and the sound of her breathing beside him when he felt his phone vibrate.

_I’m on top of the world, sitting next to someone whose company I don’t mind. As a matter of fact, I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be sharing this moment with right now. This is everything I’ve ever wanted in love. It’s like a perfect toss ready for me to spike._

The world around them became a brilliant symphony of colors and light, one that burned so brightly that Hoshiumi’s eyes started to water. He began to notice the closeness of their hands as they rested close to each other on the same blanket. It was as if this moment was the culmination of the past two weeks, an obvious success if Hoshiumi were to seize it for a second. The only thing missing was the reaction from his teammates to seal the victory as Hoshiumi would have proved everyone wrong by showing the world he, too, was worthy of love.

Sensing his phone vibrating in his pocket, Hoshiumi saw that he finally got a response from one of his teammates. There it was. The validation that he wanted all along in the midst of an ideal moment. He pursed his lips together as he looked at the message on the screen, expecting to finally feel like he’d really won something for the first time that night. Feeling the ground beneath him shake with the resounding cloud of a particularly large firework blooming, Hoshiumi gazed at the text on the screen.

_Cute date, Kourai! Hope you have a good time. - Waji-san_

As soon as the firework blossomed, it wilted into obscurity, falling from the night sky as quickly? as it was born. The feeling that Hoshiumi expected never came as he looked wanly at the message, flicking his phone off as he didn’t bother to respond.

_It’s not enough._

Overcome with a sense of emptiness, Hoshiumi felt lost in the expanse of the world that unraveled around him. Everything felt too grand, and too bright all of a sudden, and the satisfaction of accomplishing his goal wasn’t registering. 

_What’s enough, then?_

Hoshiumi thought about the opportunity that the universe was handing to him on a silver platter. He was surrounded by nothing but the most beautiful things in the world one after another in a way that felt like destiny. Maybe his own parents sat in the same positions he and Hana were in years ago, two individuals blissfully unaware of the future that anticipated them, sitting with baited breath for the other person to make the first move. As his eyes found hers, Hoshiumi thought to himself that he didn’t deserve a situation like this again if he didn’t make this one count.

“Do you-” Hoshiumi started, before he realized that her face was already close to his, as if she shared his thoughts. Over the sound of the fireworks, he could hear her saying his name as she slid her hand over his, like an invitation to do exactly what was on his mind. The sound of her heartbeat and the feeling of her breath on his face, Hoshiumi remembered the same sensation from his own first kiss. The feeling of Sachirou’s breathing and the feeling of his hands on Hoshiumi’s wrists, along with the asynchronous pattern of their heartbeats came back to him in that moment.

 _This has nothing to do with you. So why can’t you leave me alone?_ Hoshiumi thought, trying to fight away the feeling of incompleteness that he started to feel as the memory melted away in his head and he faced reality. Moving his hand to touch her face and guide her closer, Hoshiumi braced himself to kiss her back.

_I can’t do it._

Instead of a kiss, Hoshiumi’s entire body froze. It was as if every muscle in his body had suddenly locked itself upon impact as his blood ran cold, violently rejecting what was about to happen. Though what was in front of him had to be the definition of right, Hoshiumi recoiled from the feeling of how wrong he was acting. “I can’t do it,” Hoshiumi gasped, resurfacing from the kiss that never happened and to Hana’s surprise. He looked back at her with a mixture of guilt and fear, “I’m so sorry.”

Just like that, the moment that Hoshiumi had built up in his mind fell apart in a split second as Hana blinked at him with confusion. It was as if he was given the most perfect toss that could ever exist in volleyball and let it fall flat on his face, bearing the disappointment of all eleven other players on the court. “Kourai-kun, it’s okay if you’re not ready,” she said, seemingly worried herself. “I mean, I’m not even sure if I am either.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready,” Hoshiumi said apologetically, the feelings he was drowning in spilling out in unintelligible words. “I’ve done everything wrong here. I think that I owe you the apology of a lifetime because I was never ready for any of this. Well, I thought I was, but… you don’t deserve any of this.”

Hana struggled to understand Hoshiumi’s words, too stunned by his actions to feel hurt. “Kourai-kun, what’s going on with you?”

“Y’see back there, when I was going off about what love should be I realized that I’m no better than the people who completely miss the point of it. I’ve been lying to myself the whole time and you too. It feels wrong kissing you right now because I can’t, with 100% confidence say that I-” Hoshiumi tried to find a way to sort out his feelings that wasn’t crude. “You and everyone else deserves someone that knows they love you with all their heart. And I am not that right person for you.”

“That’s very noble of you but,” Hana started, wondering if she had met her match when it came to being the naive friend among her group when it came to love. “You realize most first kisses don’t happen between two people who love each other with their full heart right? That takes a long time to develop. It’s not immoral to kiss someone that you might love like… fifty percent.”

“Trust me, I learned that the hard way,” Hoshiumi said, rubbing his head agitatedly. “That’s what my first kiss was like. Actually two weeks ago, I had no experience with love whatsoever. My teammates made fun of me for being the most inexperienced guy for my age that they had ever met, so I thought that I’d spend my break searching for whatever that was that I was missing. But then like a fool, I actually fell in love with someone.”

Hana gave a melancholic smile, her fear finally being said aloud by the other person. “So there’s someone else you’re thinking about right now? Were you two together?” she said almost sadly, in a way that made Hoshiumi feel like the world’s worst person. “How is she like? I guess it makes sense, I thought it was too good to be true.”

“He,” Hoshiumi corrected, watching the surprise show in her eyes as he looked at her earnestly. “So this is going to sound really weird, but I promise you it’s not someone I just met or anything. I don’t fall in love like that. It’s someone I’ve known for a very long time. And it has nothing to really do with how he looks or what he has that everyone’s missing, you see I realized the other day I might have loved him the whole time and I never knew it. Can you keep a secret? Especially from your friends.”

“I guess I don’t have a choice,” Hana said, still surprised by Hoshiumi’s revelation. She thought to herself that if this was all a drama that she was watching, this plot twist would have definitely caught her off guard. “But your secret is safe with me, Kourai-kun. I’m not the type to gossip.”

“Well,” Hoshiumi said with a resigned sigh. “I got a really fast crash course in love. It honestly felt like living an entire decade in two weeks and I learned that love is a really painful thing when you’re the only person playing in a game of two. I was on the receiving end of what could have happened between us and it was awful. You know when you share a special moment with someone that could be the most amazing thing in the world, except it’s not because they don’t return those feelings for you? I can’t do that to another person and especially not you. No matter how much pain I feel right now, I refuse to lead anyone on the way I was. I’m not him. I’m not Sachirou.”

With those words, everything that happened made sense to Hana as she let out a cathartic chuckle. “Well, thank you for sparing me from indirectly joining the Heartbreaker Hirugami club,” she joked, realizing who her mysterious rival in love was the whole time. “Please Kourai-kun, don’t feel so bad. This is just the second date after all if you count all the times we met up for volleyball. You’re not ruining my first experience at love. I’ve been in love before.”

Despite her reassurance, Hoshiumi still felt awful about the whole thing. Hana inched away from him to give them some respectable space to talk about their feelings. “I actually have been getting over some sore feelings myself. Ever since I made the decision to pursue volleyball instead of committing my life to studying abroad, majoring in something practical, it led to a disagreement with my boyfriend. We were together for three years,” Hana said, her voice crumbling as she brought up her own painful memories. “We broke up about a week before we met up at the park. It was terrible. I felt a lot of doubt over whether I made the right decision or not. I planned to follow him overseas to college and study together, but it wasn’t what I loved to do.”

“I understand that actually,” Hoshiumi said, thinking about his fateful conversation with Sachirou at their usual spot as they discussed the fork in their paths.

“I love volleyball, too. I love myself the most when I’m playing it, and even though going professional is a hard road ahead, practicing with you made me feel more confident that I made the right decision. I was going to settle with division two and look for some part-time work on the side, but you made me feel like I should aim higher for myself,” Hana said, the timidness in her voice disappearing. “So thank you, Kourai-kun. You’ve helped me a lot. And your comments about my looks and encouragement honestly did a lot for my self-esteem.”

“I mean,” Hoshiumi said, blushing. “You _are_ beautiful and a very competent player, I’m just… it’s just a shame that-”

“You have your heart set on someone else. It’s okay,” Hana said, feeling relieved that the awkward conversation developed into something more comfortable. “You love Hirugami Sachirou, huh? That’s why it hurts so much to listen when other people talk about him like that.”

“Yeah,” Hoshiumi said, noticing for the first time that the fireworks show had long since ended without him realizing it. The starry night sky was now muddied with the remains of fireworks long past, and Hoshiumi thought to himself that even though he was alone again, it was a marginally better feeling than before. “It’s a hopeless love, don’t worry. I’m getting my payback for leading you on. If you don’t want to see me again and relive this moment, I don’t blame you at all, but just know that all of this was really nice. Maybe in another life, this would have been something.”

“You didn’t lead me on at all,” Hana stressed, wondering if Hoshiumi’s stubbornness was a trait that could be fixed. “You were honest where it counted, and trust me, I think about ‘another life’ a lot myself when I think about how I could’ve followed my boyfriend into his world. But there’s only one life and as terrible as it is, the best thing we can do is make every decision the right one. Isn’t that what you taught me about committing to blocks in volleyball?”

“Yeah,” Hoshiumi couldn’t help but let out a proud smile as he saw his student become the teacher. “Well look at you, Hana-chan! You’re the one helping me out now. Even if I love Sachirou, I have to say there’s no one else I wanted to share this night under the stars with than you. So thank you for being patient with me. Promise me you’ll let me know how tryouts go and if you’re looking for someone to help you with a compilation video or find an agent, I know a few things!”

“Thanks Kourai-kun,” Hana said, extending a hand to Hoshiumi. “We might not be in a relationship, but I feel like you could be my best friend. We agree on a lot of things.”

Even though the evening was, by every sense of the word, a failure when it came to his goals, Hoshiumi couldn’t have felt better about the outcome. “Of course,” he said, shaking her hand enthusiastically. “Well, you know if you need someone to practice with or cheer you on, I’m just a call away.”

“Yeah,” Hana said, quickly checking her phone before her face dropped. “Speaking of which, my friends are leaving now and asked if we want a ride back. I’d rather not walk home all the way in these shoes. Do you want to come along?”

Hoshiumi considered her offer for a few seconds, but responded with an answer that felt right to him. “Actually, I want to stay here a bit longer by myself. I hope you don’t mind,” he said, giving her a friendly wave. “Again, I’m really, really-”

“Don’t say it anymore,” Hana said, cutting Hoshiumi off as she packed up her blanket. “Don’t think about what could have been, Kourai-kun. Now promise me you won’t sulk the moment I leave, okay?”

 _Why is it that every meaningful relationship I form ends with people talking to me like they’re my babysitter or something,_ Hoshiumi thought with an irksome look on his face. “I’ll be fine,” Hoshiumi said, as Hana shot him a quick look of reassurance before turning away. He gave a final callout, “Just don’t forget to tell me how tryouts go! I’m actually invested, okay?”

Finally alone in the company of the stars, the sky, and afterimages of brighter times, Hoshiumi laid in the grass, laughing woefully in the face of failure. “Damn it Sachirou,” he said, wiping his eyes. “You’ll never leave me alone will you? I’m going to love you for the rest of my life like a fool, then.” 

* * *

Watching the festival grounds clear up as vendors packed away their stalls and people started to leave, Hirugami leaned against the wall thinking to himself that love definitely made him stupider. Without any way to contact Hoshiumi, as he forgot he deleted Kourai’s number from his phone, and no idea where he could possibly be in the sea of thousands of people, Hirugami scratched his head as he realized how dumb his plan was, if he really had one.

Hirugami mused over how he used to give the male leads in the dramas that Shouko watched such a hard time whenever she forced him to watch them with her. They were always acting out of desperation and without any kind of sound logic, and he would laugh to himself as his sister ate it all up, crying and pointing at the screen. As people in yukata walked past him, the only guy wearing normal clothes at a giant fireworks festival, Hirugami realized he too, was a fool.

Slinking behind the stalls for some peace and quiet, a part of Hirugami wondered if Hoshiumi was among the people making their way out of the festival. Hoshiumi’s mom had described a hill that she recommended him to take his date to, but Hirugami hadn’t seen anyone go down that hill for the time that he was searching for Hoshiumi. _Maybe while I was looking through the crowd, he already left,_ Hirugami thought, spotting a flash of something black and white at the corner of his eye.

It may not have been what he was looking for, but out of instinct, Hirugami had the urge to follow it. After all, what got his mind off Hoshiumi the past few years was his other passion in life-- his love for animals. Wondering if it was a skunk, raccoon or a cat, Hirugami traced the mysterious animals’ path. _Ah well,_ he thought, trying not to dwell on his disappointment at not finding Hoshiumi. _Let’s make this night count for something._

Coming down from the hill and taking in the sight of an abandoned festival, Hoshiumi watched as nature was reclaiming itself. The charcoal smell that permeated through the night was fading and as less people were around, he could feel the night getting colder. Now that the noise died down around him, Hoshiumi could finally hear his stomach rumbling, as he realized his appetite was coming back. He walked around, looking around for a stall that might be open to no avail. “I hope Mom cooked something at home today,” he said to himself, about to make his long walk home when he thought he heard something unusual-sounding in the distance.

At first, the clicking noise sounded like a persistent insect or some kind of bird Hoshiumi never heard before, and a part of him was curious to find the source. “What the hell is that noise?” Hoshiumi muttered to himself, a part of him worried he was going to run into a weird person in the process as he registered that something about it sounded human.

He followed the sound, dipping behind the row of stalls into an alleyway, where he saw a tall man leaning over a cat fondly, making scratching gestures on his knee to entice the cat to come over. “You’re too friendly to be a stray aren’t you? Now, now, the fireworks are over. There’s nothing to be scared of anymore,” the young man said, petting the cat gently and pulling out a treat from his bag. “See, I’m friendly-”

The man’s voice fell as at the corner of his eye, he saw that he was being watched. Standing away from him with a look of utter disbelief in his eyes, was the person that he was looking for all along. Hirugami never believed in concepts like fate or luck, but as his eyes and Hoshiumi’s met for a brief moment, he wondered if some god had answered his prayers. 

“Sachirou,” Hoshiumi said, his voice with the same intonation as the time that they first met. Hirugami felt as if he was being jerked from behind by some force of blinding light as he realized it was in fact him.

“What the hell are you doing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will update with author notes eventually. god im suffering. what do i do now that haikyuu ended. let me know on twitter or in the comments if u had a good time reading this bc god it makes me so happy when i get one but no pressure of course even if its like "lol nice" id be like haha thanks. i am so sorry if i didn't respond to last updates comments but i like screenshot them to look at my phone whenever i feel down and love everyone who reads this so much. thank you for being patient with me. i give u the hiruhoshi reunion this time because everything i do. i do for them. those seagull boyes. they take up so much of my life. especially hoshiumi. hoshiumi i want my life back. cant believe he is #5 gao is #7 and where. where is sachirouvet. where did he go. they left room for kamomedai number six but where is he. u know what. i bet hes at home with the dog watching the game with fukuro. thats my headcanon. life has been suck lately but i hope i can make people happy with what i write i love you all


	17. Perfect Goodbyes

The world as Hirugami Sachirou knew it came to a halt as he felt suspended in time, questioning if what was happening before him was truly reality. His ears rang with the sound of Hoshiumi’s voice, loud and clear in the night. His vision focused on the snowy-haired boy looking directly at him. Hirugami was sure that his eyes and ears were working together to deceive him, but the presence in front of him was too vivid of an impression to be imaginary. 

Though he had come here to find Hoshiumi, he never expected it to happen. The festival was packed with thousands of people, covering a huge expanse of land. The odds of their paths colliding with no coordination were infinitesimal. Searching for Kourai was more of a sentimental mission to Hirugami, like diving into the ocean searching for a precious lost coin to prove it still meant something to him. The entire drive to the festival, he had braced himself for the most probable outcome of returning home empty-handed, wasting some time along the way. 

“Kourai-kun?” Hirugami said in disbelief, scaring the cat away as he spoke too loudly. “Is this real…”

Hoshiumi looked as if he came out of a vision-- dressed up and standing in the light while looking down at him with a judgmental gaze. Hirugami felt like a mere human baring penitence in the face of an angel. Hirugami wondered if his mind, run down with lack of sleep and overwork, was showing him a glimpse of what he wanted to see.

Hoshiumi had no doubt that this was reality, or at least the farthest thing from dreaming. During the time he spent away from Hirugami, he built an image of Sachirou in his mind that was incongruous with the broken man in front of him. The voice that haunted his dreams was something pleasing and unattainable, but the Sachirou in front of him reminded him of a wounded animal. In his mind, Sachirou was a corporeal ghost of the past that represented something beautiful that he couldn’t have, and couldn’t just reach for it without losing the game in the process.

However, as he stared down at the man in front of him, that image fell to pieces. Hirugami was much worse for wear than he was, with dark circles under his eyes and his hair longer and messier than Kourai remembered it to be. Hoshiumi gazed down at Hirugami and was filled with the same, strong feeling he had when they first met.

_I want to get you out of here._

His heart fell as he noticed the cast on Hirugami’s right hand. “Sachirou,” Hoshiumi said in a small voice, eyeing Hirugami’s injury. “Even now, you still have it worse off than me.”

Hirugami was shocked at the absence of anger in Hoshiumi’s voice. Without letting another moment past, Hoshiumi walked over to Hirugami’s side, bridging the space between them effortlessly as if the walls between them never existed. Taking Hirugami’s cast in his hands, Hoshiumi couldn’t think of anything else. “Please tell me,” he said, his own hands shaking. Hoshiumi’s eyes were distant, remembering an unpleasant memory as he looked up at Hirugami’s face. “Did you…”

“You’re supposed to be angry at me right now and I’m probably the last person you wanted to see tonight,” Hirugami said, his voice hollow with guilt. “And this is what you’re thinking about? Kourai-kun, how are you so kind?”

“I’m just so worried for you right now,” the words spilled out of Hoshiumi’s mouth without concern. “I can’t focus on anything else until you tell me. Please.”

Hirugami hesitated, drawing back his hand. “It was an accident this time. I wouldn’t have done it if I knew I’d hurt myself. It happened without thinking. I’ve changed since then, you don’t have to worry about me hurting myself ever again. If you give me time, I can explain.”

A wave of relief washed over Hoshiumi, his expression softening. “Thank goodness,” he said, giving Sachirou a cursory glance. “You look different, Sachirou.”

Hirugami gingerly touched his messy tangle of brown hair with an apologetic smile. “I’m sure I do,” he replied with soft laughter. “I look pretty terrible don’t I, Kourai-kun?”

“I mean,” Hoshiumi said, looking at the bags under Hirugami’s tired eyes. His voice changed to accusatory. “You haven’t been taking good care of yourself again, have you? I’m not going to encourage that behavior.”

They glanced away from each other awkwardly, diffusing the tension that arose from reuniting so quickly. Though Sachirou was someone that Hoshiumi knew for so long, he still felt as if he was in the presence of a stranger. “You sound different, too,” Hoshiumi muttered. “What are you doing here? Are you with friends?”

Hirugami shook his head. “I’m all alone. I’m surprised you are, too,” he said, watching Hoshiumi’s expression shift to an unpleasant one. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that. You see, I came here to find you. That’s it.” 

“Are you stupid?” Hoshiumi blurted out. “I was on my way out and had no idea you were even here. It’s a miracle we even found each other. You could’ve given me a call or texted me!”

“I deleted your number and everything else,” Hirugami responded, a surge of guilt passing through him as Hoshiumi’s face fell. “I didn’t expect to find you when I came here, but I felt like I had to try. I owed it to you not to give up so easily. I guess I was lucky.”

“What are you talking about?” Hoshiumi had never been so confused when it came to following Hirugami’s logic. Though he was confident about reading peoples’ emotions better as of late, Sachirou was still one of life’s greatest mysteries. Hirugami was still the boy with an overgrowth of walls protecting his emotions, choosing what light to pass through when it benefited him, much to Hoshiumi’s frustration. “I still don’t understand you.”

“That’s my fault,” Hirugami said, much to Hoshiumi’s surprise. “I’ve been really unfair to you, Kourai-kun. Probably the whole time that we’ve known each other, too. Even what I’m doing right now is selfish. I wanted to see you again, or at least try. I can’t believe you found me.”

“You and your habit of trying to win the trust of every stray animal in Nagano,” Hoshiumi grimaced, feeling conflicted as he remembered pleasant memories of their youth. He used to watch in annoyance as Sachirou would break away from jogging with the rest of the team to pursue a stray cat with treats stashed in his pocket. Hoshiumi hated admitting that it only made him fonder. “Who else could it have been?”

Hirugami straightened his back, brushing off the dust on his pants and old brown jacket. “You still remember that huh?” Hirugami said with a rare smile. “It’s been six years since you’ve seen me do that.”

With most of the people gone from the festival, the night had become still and quiet, save for the sounds of humming cicadas and faraway noises of running water close to the river. The sky was still clouded by the after-images of long-gone fireworks, blocking out the light of the stars with smoke. Hirugami reminisced of his childhood days, stuffing his ears with tissue and pressing his hands against them to block out the noise. He always preferred the stars as they were alone, and fireworks just scared peoples’ pets and outshone the stars. Whenever he tried explaining this to his peers, he was always labelled an old soul.

The evenings in the mountains, no matter the season, always got colder the longer they went on. Noticing Hoshiumi shiver as he had nothing on but a yukata and sandals, Hirugami started taking off his jacket. “Kourai-kun, you must be cold just wearing that,” he said gently, making a move to offer his own.

“I’m fine,” Hoshiumi said pointedly, still annoyed from failing to understand Hirugami’s train of thought. “You need that more than me right now. Anyways, it’s a festival. Do you know how lame you look in just a jacket? Good thing everyone’s already left. Knowing you, you probably think traditional wear is gross-”

“Actually,” Hirugami interrupted Hoshiumi, stopping to admire how the man beside him looked. He couldn’t help but smile to himself as he looked at Hoshiumi, stubborn as ever as he tried to minimize his teeth chattering. “I think you look great, Kourai-kun. I mean it. You cut your hair recently, too. It’s nice.”

The back of Hoshiumi’s neck prickled at Hirugami’s compliments. “Stop it,” Hoshiumi snapped. “You don’t have to try to make me feel good because you feel bad for me.”

Hirugami sighed, still rummaging in his bag for an extra sweater he grabbed on his way out. He knew Hoshiumi would be too stubborn to admit he was cold at night. “Here’s something more familiar for you, then,” he said, pulling out his old, long Kamomedai jacket. “It doesn’t fit me any more. You can keep it if you’d like. At least let me talk to you, I promise I’ll drive you home.”

“I’m tired,” Hoshiumi sighed bitterly, pulling the sweater over his head and zipping it up to the top, glaring at Hirugami over the collar of it. “How long is this going to take?”

“It’s going to take a long time,” Hirugami said, not mincing words. “Because I want to talk to you about everything that’s happened.”

Hoshiumi glanced at Hirugami reluctantly, feeling a pit form in his stomach. _There are words that I don’t think I can handle hearing again, especially from you._ “It’s late,” Hoshiumi replied flatly. “Why can’t you tell me now?”

“Because I have a lot that I want to say, and it doesn’t feel right doing it here,” Hirugami pleaded, alarming Hoshiumi. “I promise afterward, I’ll take you home and you can decide if you ever want to see me again or have anything to do with me, but if this is the last time we’ll ever see each other… I want to go back to where this all started.”

“The cafe?” Hoshiumi said, grimacing at the unpleasant memory of their first “date.”

“No, somewhere even more out of the way. The old place,” Hirugami said, unable to keep the desperation out of his voice. “Kourai-kun, if you’re tired you can sleep in the car. It’s a long drive after all. You don’t have to do anything.”

Hoshiumi crossed his arms, making a face as he realized how far back Hirugami wanted to go. He had a gut feeling that going along with Sachirou had the possibility of leading to another inevitable heartbreak, rehashing old wounds that he spent drying over. At the same time, this Sachirou felt different from any of the ones he’d encountered before. 

“How do I know you’re not playing with me?”

“Because,” Hirugami hesitated, facing Hoshiumi and looking into his eyes. “I don’t care if this is the end for us or not any more. As long as you know the truth and decide for yourself if we can still be friends or not after everything that’s happened, I’ll be happy with whatever decision you make. I’m not trying to save anything here or make excuses for myself anymore. I’m staking all of those 11 years on this one moment, if you’ll give it to me. Just one last time.”

It was only an hour ago that Hoshiumi confessed to another person and the night sky that he would foolishly love Sachirou for the rest of his life with so much conviction. It embarrassed him to think about it. The hour ago felt like an eternity as their paths unexpectedly collided, and Hirugami had materialized in front of him as a very real person with unknown feelings. In that moment, Hoshiumi wondered if the truth was something he wanted to know, or just another series of words that would break his heart. Was it better to leave the unknown, unknown?

_It’s because I love you that makes it so hard._

Finding his resolve, Hoshiumi made his decision.

“Okay. I’ll go with you.”

* * *

The walk to Hirugami’s car was silent, not a single word uttered between them as Hoshiumi got into the passenger seat, buckled in, and crossed his arms. Though the two were side by side again, the distance between them had only increased, measured in unsaid words and wayward glances. Starting his car and placing a hand on his passenger seat to look over his shoulder, Hirugami felt relief as the statue that occupied it didn’t seem to mind.

“Are you comfortable?” Hirugami asked. It was a question that he knew would go unanswered as Hoshiumi’s response was to shift himself closer to the window, an expected rejection. The part of him that was in tune with Kourai’s feelings knew that this was by all means an uncomfortable situation. He was confining a restless spirit to the mercy of waiting for an answer, one that was part of Hirugami’s idea of a perfect farewell.

He set out to their destination without a second glance at directions. Attuning his eyes to the poorly-lit roads that carved through the mountains of Nagano, Hirugami chased the memories that played through his head. Memories of running up the mountains in every season alone, panting as he made his way up the stairs, and gazed out at the lonely sunset as he thought of his place in the world. 

But when Kourai, with his larger-than-life presence, came crashing down into his world like a meteor, the stillness of living was replaced by ripples and waves of happiness. Hirugami’s lonely sunset was filled with boundless conversation as Hoshiumi animatedly talked about their futures. “We’ll go to Kamomedai together and train under Coach Murphy,” Hoshiumi said at the end of the third year in middle school, “Then with your blocks and my skills, we’ll take on the entire country at the Interhigh. And after that, the world. Right, Sachirou? You and me?”

Looking into Hoshiumi’s sparkling eyes and wide smile, Hirugami choked on his words. In his heart, he knew the truth. There was no such thing as “after that” because Hirugami knew he wouldn’t go further down the path that connected them. But in that moment, he could not bring himself to rob Hoshiumi of his happiness. Closing his eyes as he turned to the boy that he loved, Hirugami began the chain of lies that cursed them from the start.

_“You and me.”_

The last time they visited the sunset was at the end of their third year of high school. Hirugami broke the news to Hoshiumi, coming clean with the truth while he pulled out his veterinary school acceptance letter. Hoshiumi, who was always so loud and full of life, fell silent as he read the letter in front of him, torn between happiness and grief. “I knew all this time,” Hoshiumi had said, admitting to himself that he had seen past Hirugami’s lie from years ago. “I knew from the moment you invited me here. It’s to say goodbye right?”

At the time, Hirugami felt in his heart that both of them would be okay in the end. After all, they were going their own ways in the name of love. Though it took some time for Hoshiumi to warm up to the revelation that they were going separate ways, their friendship resumed easily after a few weeks. Hoshiumi always saw the parting of their ways as a destiny that he wanted to fight, but Hirugami knew it was something more pragmatic than that. They could still talk, still be a part of each others’ lives even if they drifted apart naturally. Hirugami swore that getting over Hoshiumi Kourai would be an easy process after this. His experiences with the concept of fate left him a realist, as he learned that humans were not immune to time and distance. 

In the beginning, his prediction came true. He and Hoshiumi still had their long conversations about life over the phone, and were seamlessly integrating into their new lives. Hirugami knew that Hoshiumi was surrounded by teammates and rivals who would stand on the world stage beside him, most notably someone who was just like him. Hoshiumi would have definitely called that fate. 

Over time, Hoshiumi would fill the vacancies Hirugami left with new people that could play the role better. Even his brother became Hoshiumi’s dependable teammate. The interviewer from the Spring Interhigh became a translator, who could turn Hoshiumi’s rambles into stories. Hinata Shoyo was Hoshiumi's ideal rival and teammate, someone befitting enough to stand by his side and challenge theworld together with. To Hoshiumi, Hirugami was just "Sachirou" now. The stones were laid out for him to walk over to get over that boy. All Hirugami had to do was cross the bridge into that unknown.

Except, he couldn’t. 

Because even if humans were not immune to time and distance, Hirugami came to learn that love wasn’t. The times that Hoshiumi still reached out to him as a voice of comfort, laughing over the phone at old memories and jokes, Hirugami’s heart was filled with longing. Every time they met up in the city, with the Schweiden Adlers based in Tokyo, they would treat each other out to dinner and make up for lost time, and Hirugami would realize that his love for Hoshiumi had only grown more hopeless. His heart would swell as Hoshiumi insisted that they needed to meet up again when he was still in town. It would stop every time he was on the verge of being unable to hold back his feelings, wanting nothing more than to hold Hoshiumi close to him. 

And then, they decided to play a game with their emotions and friendship at stake. Hirugami never expected that it’d be Hoshiumi to make this drastic move, but when the opportunity presented itself, he couldn’t say no. The ideal outcome was that it’d be a crash course on how to get over his feelings for Hoshiumi as he’d come to learn, through simulation, that a relationship between them would never work out. The worst outcome was the one that they were sitting through right now.

In the span of two weeks, they had become strangers to one another. Fumbling with the concept of love in the midst of letting go, they crossed the rubicon with their relationship in ways they couldn’t understand. By exploring one another, they kept stumbling across unfamiliar territory. Both Hirugami and Hoshiumi knew that in this moment, things would never go back to normal again. It wasn’t like the first time where their problems could easily be fixed with time and distance, because this was a matter of love.

And because this was the end, Hirugami knew that there was nothing that could come between them any more. He was going to savor every moment of this perfect ending, holding on to every word that left Hoshiumi’s mouth so he could hear it in his mind again.

_I can finally let myself go knowing that this is the last time. I can tell you how much I love you with nothing holding me back, without assuming that it’s something you already know. And then, you’ll feel better about letting go of me._

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of soft snoring. Hirugami recognized that sound anywhere, especially from the years that they slept on their mats side by side during overnight travel to away games. Hoshiumi’s silhouette, staring out at the changing landscapes out of the window, was no longer rigid as it melted into the passenger seat. Somehow, Hoshiumi managed to find some kind of comfort again, in spite of what lay ahead.

Hirugami smiled to himself as he gazed lovingly at the sleeping white-haired boy curled up in his old Kamomedai jacket. He watched Hoshiumi sleep from the corner of his eye, unable to hold back the fondness in his eyes. “I used to dream about us traveling the country together like this,” Hirugami muttered softly, using one hand to pull over the hood to cover Hoshiumi’s eyes. “I think in another life, it’d be a lot of fun. We could pretend to be tourists and you wouldn’t even have to leave Japan, which I know you don’t like to do. I guess this is the closest we’ll get to that.”

Imagining that other life with Kourai and what could have been, Hirugami choked back tears as he allowed those feelings to reach him. Watching the countryside roads unfurl before him as he went deeper in the night, Hirugami wished he could believe in something as comforting as fate. 

* * *

“Kourai-kun?”

Hoshiumi’s eyes fluttered open as he woke up to the sound of Sachirou’s gentle voice calling his name, accompanied with some light taps on his shoulder. “We’re here.”

Hoshiumi could hear the chill night breeze rustle the trees around them, feeling it ruffle his hair as he walked out of the car. Forcing himself to blink as he fought against his heavy eyelids, Hoshiumi’s vision went from blurry to clear as he realized where he was. The air up here was thinner, carrying a familiar scent that reminded Hoshiumi of how pavement smelled after a light rain and manchurian ash. It was like he was transported back into the past as he recognized the empty parking lot of their old middle school. 

“I feel like a kid again every time we come back here,” Hoshiumi said out loud. He turned to look at Hirugami, almost expecting to see the younger Sachirou he remembered from middle school. Instead, he came face-to-face with a grown man with tired brown eyes, breathing clouds into the cold air.

“A lot has changed since then,” Hirugami replied, his eyes gentle as he looked at Hoshiumi. “Is that jacket enough for you?”

“Yeah.”

They both knew where to go, but today, Hirugami led the way. Hoshiumi followed him with brisk steps, taking in his surroundings with bated breath. They were at the top of the mountains, at the foot of a concrete staircase that carried shared memories of their youth. As Hoshiumi walked up the stairs following Sachirou, he felt as if he was in some kind of lucid dream. The night sky was clearer than it had ever been, with every star calling out to him as the constellations in all their glory could be seen by the naked eye. Climbing higher to their perfect vantage point, the precipice where the entire lightless city could be seen beneath their feed, Hoshiumi started to understand why Hirugami wanted to return here one final time.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Hirugami said, stopping to let the moment linger as he looked over his shoulder at the sleeping town behind them. “The night sky here is really something. I’ve been here a couple of times without you, just to clear my head. It’s no Achi Village, but it sure is special. And free.”

They stopped to gaze at the stars together, their eyes feasting on the lights thousands of years away and the universe that they were a small part of. It was a shame that most humans aren’t nocturnal creatures, Hoshiumi thought to himself with a smirk. Or else more people would understand him better, and how it felt to be so small in comparison to the world. 

An errant thought crossed his mind, and in his tired state, Hoshiumi couldn’t help but say it outloud even if it killed the atmosphere. “Do you take other people here?” he asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

“Hm?” Hirugami’s eyebrows shot up, surprised at the suggestion. Back at a place where his thoughts could run clearly again, he felt no need to hold back his stream of consciousness. “Of course not, Kourai-kun. Sometimes the best thinking that I do is when I’m alone.”

Hirugami tilted his head toward the sky, breathing in the night air. “Having a view like this puts life into perspective,” he continued. “You probably see me as a big guy, but when you look at the mountains, the sky, and the city… I’m pretty small. We humans don’t live as long as everything else around us, too. Even the trees were here hundreds of years before us and will be around well after we die. So when I’m surrounded by all of that, it’s a nice reminder that, in the grand scheme of things, I’ll be okay. Whatever’s troubling me now is just as small.”

Hoshiumi made a face. “It’s like every time we come back here, you become a philosopher or something,” he said, irritated as he took in Hirugami’s words. “Are you saying that because something is small, it doesn’t matter?”

Hirugami let out a small laugh in response. “I was just going to say that, recently, I learned I’ve been wrong about this mindset,” he said quickly before Hoshiumi could interpret his laugh as mockery. “Sometimes, it is the small things that kill you. We see it all the time at veterinary school. It’s the smallest things that go wrong that lead to events you can’t recover from. Problems that you think can be solved easily and painlessly, things you think that you can move on from but you can’t.”

The decade he spent knowing Hirugami, Hoshiumi was able to sense when Sachirou was being evasive. It was the same feeling Hoshiumi got when he pulled in Sachirou for a kiss one last time, and the same tone of voice as their previous farewell. “You’re telling me all of this,” Hoshiumi said in a low voice, “And yet, you’re running away from me right now. Don’t think that because we’ve been away from each other for over a week that I’ve forgotten everything. What are you scared of, Sachirou?”

The rustling of the trees from the mountain winds sounded louder as Hirugami knew he had run out of places to hide at last. Fear was an emotion that he believed he outgrew years ago, but it had never truly left him or the place they were standing. Just like the young boy from years ago, Hirugami drew his breath in. There was nothing more to say than the painful truth. _I’m scared of my feelings for you._

“There’s something that I have to give you.”

Hirugami took out the thick stack of papers from his jacket, bound by a single clip and held it out to Hoshiumi, whose face was plastered with an expression of disbelief. _I’m giving myself to you,_ Hirugami thought, knowing the person he usually was would laugh at his choice of words.

Hoshiumi took the stack of papers in his hands, his eyes wider than ever. “Sachirou,” Hoshiumi’s voice trailed away. “What is this? Why is it so heavy?”

“I know you hate reading, so I’m sorry about this,” Hirugami said, motioning at a streetlight by the familiar stone wall where they first met. “There’s a light over there. It’s too dark to see anything from here.”

Hoshiumi glared past Hirugami at the foreboding wall, shrouded in a faint orange haze from the light. There were vines growing through it, portraying a morbid struggle of life trying to squeeze its way through small cracks in the stone. “I hate that wall,” Hoshiumi protested. “I don’t want to go back there.”

“I understand that feeling all too well, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami responded, reaching for Hoshiumi’s shoulder. Hoshiumi was too stunned by the turn of events to recede from his touch.

“I’ll read it,” Hoshiumi said, cutting across Hirugami’s words with determination. He took a deep breath and moved toward the light alone, looking over his shoulder at Hirugami who remained immovable. “Aren’t you coming with me?”

“Well, I’ve spent a lot of time there already,” Hirugami gave a wan smile and pointed down the stairs. “Besides Kourai-kun, I think that it’s best I leave you alone to make sense of the truth. Just as I said before, sometimes being alone is really when you can think the clearest. I don’t want my presence to influence your thoughts.”

“So you’re just… leaving me?” Hoshiumi said, watching Hirugami turn toward the stairs.

“Not for long,” Hirugami answered, his steps feeling lighter. Handing off the letter to Hoshiumi felt oddly freeing, as he started to feel his old self coming back to him. “I just wanted to peek into the old classrooms and soccer fields. See if they’ve changed anything and how small the desks actually were. I’ll be back in an hour. I promise.”

“Okay,” Hoshiumi said finally, thumbing the corner of the stack of papers in anticipation. He wasn’t used to receiving letters or books as presents of any kind, unless they were quick fan memos of papers that he would pass off to his captain to fill out. “I’ll… be here. I think.”

As Hirugami’s footsteps faded into the night, Hoshiumi sat alone with the unknown before him. The whole situation felt strange to Hoshiumi, who had no idea what Hirugami could possibly want to say to him that he couldn’t say face to face. The thought of a letter instead of an honest admission felt wrong to him. At the same time, Sachirou had always been someone who never existed in the realm of his expectations.

Hoshiumi pinched the first piece of paper and took a deep breath, preparing himself to dive into the contents of what Hirugami left him with. He flipped the page and came face-to-face with Sachirou’s handwriting, messy and frantic as it scrawled out a story that he didn’t expect to begin so far back.

_Page 1. The Day I Met Kourai-kun._

“Sachirou,” Hoshiumi muttered under his breath, thumbing through the pages to see more and more words, titled with memories that he barely remembered and organized neatly with page breaks. His own heart started pounding as he picked out words and sentences that he never expected to see from Hirugami, along with how far back they started. _Love?_

Each word seemed to beat with life, calling to him like the stars in the sky had. Hoshiumi’s blood ran cold as he flipped back to the beginning.

_Did you just give me your heart?_

* * *

Walking around the old school building, Hirugami bided his time by glancing into his old classrooms and listening to the sounds of Nagano’s nocturnal creatures. Trying to distract himself by trying to identify the animal behind each noise, Hirugami couldn’t keep his feelings of dread at bay any longer. The second he left Hoshiumi out of his sight, his nervousness returned with full force as his mind was filled with possible worst-case scenarios.

If Hoshiumi was the sky, Hirugami was rooted to the ground. Kourai’s heart was open and free, an entire world that existed far above him that he longed to join. It was a world that Hirugami longed to be part of, one that he was willing to uproot everything he had built up for years for a chance of getting closer to. Hoshiumi may have been the sky, but Hirugami obeyed the laws of gravity, making his home in the comfortable earth. They had existed like that for years until an hour ago.

The moment Hirugami handed off his volume of thoughts to Hoshiumi, he knew he had uprooted himself. Laying ruin to the walls that guarded his heart, his last act of self-sabotage was a selfless one that he would never regret. 

_“Sachirou?”_

Hirugami closed his eyes as he remembered the last time they were at this place, walking back to the car after the sunset.

_“What’s being in love like? I know we were just talking about making jobs of what we love, but that can’t be all there is to love right? I’ve been wondering about the other kind of love. Y’know. When you love a person.”_

_“What about your mom?”_

_“Hey! Stop teasing me. You know exactly what I’m talking about. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that before.”_

Hirugami put a hand to his chest, softly laughing as he could feel the younger Sachirou’s pain when Hoshiumi said those words. At the time, he tried to reassure himself by thinking it would have been even worse if Hoshiumi actually named someone he loved.

_“Well, maybe that’s a good thing. You won’t get distracted then.”_

_“You know what, I regret asking you already. You probably think all this love stuff is gross, don’t you? They’re just boring old emotions to you. Maybe you haven’t found the right person, but…”_

Hirugami froze in front of the parking block, almost feeling as if he could see third-year Hoshiumi Kourai, spreading his arms out and balancing on the block, challenging him. 

_“But someday, both of us are going to experience it. I’m talking about the real thing. Personally, I can’t wait until there’s someone out there-- not my mom-- who looks at me like I’m their whole world! Someone that thinks I’m special for once and doesn’t boil me down to things like height and how good I am at volleyball… someone who likes the real Kourai. And in return, I’ll give them everything too. Then you’ll see how beautiful it is, and you won’t make that dumb face anymore!”_

Hirugami swiped the air in front of him instinctively, as if he was pushing aside that after-image physically. “That’s why I did this, Kourai-kun,” he said, recalling the pain of thinking how Hoshiumi Kourai, the person who mattered to him the most, thought no one loved him. Figuring he spent enough time away from the real thing, Hirugami resolved to face his fear one last time. “Now you probably know.”

Hirugami walked back to where he left Hoshiumi, the memories connecting them flowing back. With every step, he felt as if he was rewinding time itself as he returned to the place where he and Hoshiumi’s lives were bound forever by the world’s most unfortunate red string of fate. It was a euphemism that Hirugami coined to describe the streak of his own blood on the wall, a desperate cry for someone to save him. As he carved out that line with his own flesh, Hirugami knew that he was just screaming into the dark. He never expected anyone to answer his call. After all, no one ever had.

Hirugami hated his given name “Sachirou” growing up. It was a part of a set of fortunate names chosen by his parents that meant “lucky”, because his parents hoped he would live an auspicious life according to their plans for him. His name combined with his brother’s to form “happiness.” But at the darkest point in his life, “luck” and “happiness” were meaningless concepts. There was only strength and weakness, and he had to punish himself for that weakness.

But when Hoshiumi Kourai answered his cry for help out of nowhere, filling his empty sky with the light of a guiding star, Hirugami felt lucky for once in his life. He learned to love the name Sachirou, as it was what Hoshiumi insisted on calling him. Even if Hoshiumi was a light that burned for himself, Hirugami couldn’t help but find himself irresistibly drawn to it, using it as a guide to steer him back into the light of the day.

Hoshiumi, true to his word, hadn’t moved from the wall. Hirugami could see the outline of his back as he came closer, knowing that there was nothing between them anymore. At this surreal intersection of night and day, they were finally able to see each other. 

“Kourai?”

Hoshiumi’s back was a wall of silence. The howling of the wind between the trees filled the air between them, shaking the power lines overhead. Standing in the same circle cast by the faded orange light of the streetlight, there was nowhere else for any of them to run, as they were surrounded by an ocean of pale blue from the dawn sky. 

“You came back,” Hoshiumi said without turning around. “A part of me wondered if you would make do like you always do and run away as far as you could from this place. Because the Hirugami I used to know would’ve done that. I read everything you had to say.”

Staring at Hoshiumi’s back intensely, Hirugami knew that he could never lie to him again. He opened his mouth to speak, but Hoshiumi had turned around to face him with tears streaking the side of his face. “I have one thing to ask you,” Hoshiumi said, his voice barely above a whisper.

The sight of Hoshiumi’s tears shocked Hirugami into silence. It took all of the composure he had not to bridge the distance between them and hold the boy in front of him. “I’ll answer anything you have to ask me,” he said softly. “Anything.”

“You wrote everything in past tense. So do you still… do you still love me?”

The last wall between them shattered as Hirugami knew that this was the final goodbye to his old ways. The chain of lies that once kept them together was at its final link, and he was ready to let go. “I always have, Kourai-kun. I never stopped. I still love you right now,” Hirugami said, unable to keep his voice steady. The immaculate wall he built had finally fallen, and he felt as if he was floating. _There’s nothing keeping us apart any more. And nothing to keep us together either._

With no more walls to block out the light, Hoshiumi felt as if he was looking at Hirugami for the first time. The ruins of Hirugami’s last defense made way for the light to pour in. It was Hoshiumi’s turn to disarm himself as his eyes found Hirugami’s. 

“Thank goodness,” Hoshiumi sighed, the tears shining in his eyes spilling out, stained golden orange by the dim light. “Because I love you, Sachirou. I think that I’ve loved you the whole time too, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized it for myself. I think I’m ready now. You’ve been hurting for so long.”

_You what?_

Hoshiumi started laughing through his tears. “You really did have it worse than me, Sachirou. As usual,” he said, wiping at his face, “I left you alone for so long. I broke your heart so many times without knowing it, and you were so scared. I should’ve noticed. We really put each other through so much. Did you know just a few hours ago, I couldn’t even kiss a girl because all I could think about was you? You see, I love you too. First off, I’ve never cried this much over a person.”

Just as nothing involving Hoshiumi Kourai ever went according to plan, Hirugami never thought he was capable of misreading a situation so badly. He struggled to register the words that came out of Hoshiumi’s mouth as the moment that he had dreamed of for years unraveled before him. “Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said too fast, feeling dizzy. “Can you punch me right now? This doesn’t feel real.”

“Huh?” Hoshiumi said impulsively, before his expression shifted back to concern when Hirugami covered his face. “Sachirou, are you… are you crying?”

 _I look so stupid right now for sure,_ Hirugami said, unable to stop the tears from flowing. He was well aware that what he was doing wasn’t just crying, but full-on weeping. He had never cried tears of joy in his life, but he had seen others do it. At every championship match he went to, he remembered seeing entire volleyball teams break into tears when winning.

Alarmed, Hoshiumi grabbed his shoulders, shaking him. “Sachirou! Hey! Hirugami Sachirou,” he said loudly. “You’re not acting like yourself. It’s already bad enough that I’m crying. Please, you’re killing me with the silence. What’s on your mind?”

“Kourai-kun, it’s alright. I’m so happy,” Hirugami said, his voice hoarse as he looked at Hoshiumi with large, wet brown eyes. “I don’t deserve to be this happy. I thought you were so mad at me. How do I know I’m not dreaming?”

 _That’s the color of brown that I like the most. And the nicest face in the world looking back at me. I’ve really won this time_ , Hoshiumi smiled fondly at Hirugami, taking his hands in his. He gripped Sachirou’s cast with care. 

“I’m not mad at you anymore. I can’t be after reading all of that because I understand your feelings now,” Hoshiumi said tenderly. “Also here’s proof you’re not dreaming right now… because this is a lot better.”

Hirugami’s mind blurred as Hoshiumi drew him in for a kiss. Under the stars with no one around for miles, they leaned into each other for a passionate kiss that seemed to last as long as they had waited for it. It was more intense than the kisses they shared before, a bridge stretching to overcome all of the hurt, unspoken feelings, and lost moments between them. 

_This is how love feels like,_ Hoshiumi thought to himself, his heart pounding. The wall was no longer there, pushing against him. Their first kiss had been closed off and cold, but the Sachirou in front of him was a warmth that drew him in closer. _You’re mine now._

All that Hirugami could think of was how Hoshiumi’s body felt against his, the gentle feeling of his lips, and how it felt like just the most natural thing in the world to kiss him back. It was the kind of kiss that Hirugami had never had before, the kind shared between lovers. Hoshiumi didn’t realize when he had stopped holding Hirugami’s hands, as he found his hands searching for the base of Sachirou’s neck, thinking to himself that right now, they were the only two people in the whole world. 

“I love you, Sachirou,” Hoshiumi muttered in between kisses, feeling as if they were breathing each other in and out. “If you give me the rest of your life, I promise that every day with me will be a happy one. You’ll never have to wait for me again.”

Blushing from Hoshiumi’s brash proposal, Hirugami laughed knowingly. Who was Hoshiumi Kourai without grand promises and strong declarations in the heat of the moment? Hirugami brushed the side of Hoshiumi’s face adoringly, pushing away his soft, white bangs to see his face even more clearly. “Kourai-kun,” Hirugami whispered, staring at his favorite pair of eyes in the world. He knew his old self would say that Hoshiumi’s words were gross, but he couldn’t deny the effect they had on his heart any more. “That’s my job now. I’m the lucky one here.”

The lifeless wall that once was the blank canvas where Hirugami and Hoshiumi started their story together had finally become the place where they came together. The hopeless red string of fate that brought them together at an unpleasant intersection of their lives transformed into a promise to give each other a lifetime of happiness. 

Tilting his head toward the sky, feeling on top of the world, Hoshiumi couldn’t help but feel giddy. Still holding Sachirou’s hand, his eyes swept the stars with animated fascination. “The stars really are something special up here,” he said grinning, trying to search for familiar constellations that his mom would point out to him as a boy. “They say if you follow the brightest star in the sky for long enough, you’ll find your way home. Maybe we should try that sometime and see where it takes us.”

“Yeah,” Hirugami said with a smile, leaning against the wall. He found it hard to look at the sky with such a bright light standing next to him, his eyes lingering on Kourai’s smile. “They sure are nice tonight.”

“Did you even hear what I said? You’re barely listening, aren’t you,” Hoshiumi snapped accusingly, “You’ve been acting weird lately, Sachirou. What happened to hating when people kiss in public?”

Hirugami shrugged, surprised that he couldn’t care less. “I guess it doesn’t matter to me as much at the moment,” he mused, giving a sheepish grin. “Can I get another kiss from you?”

Hoshiumi rolled his eyes before obliging Hirugami, leaning into him for another long kiss. The dawn seemed to get lighter, the stars in the sky growing faint as time passed by. It was wetter and messier than the first time they kissed, none of them caring what was good or not as all Hoshiumi could think to himself was that he wanted more. Feeling Sachirou’s hands slide down his waist, Hoshiumi shuddered. A strange desire to keep going further awakened in his chest, but Hoshiumi quickly remembered where they were. “Wait,” Hoshiumi said, flustered as he broke away from the kiss. He shot Hirugami a look of annoyance as Sachirou raised his eyebrows innocuously. “Give me some more time to warm up before you go in like that.”

“Sorry Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said apologetically, a hand behind his head. “It’s nice not having to hold back with you any more.”

A light blush surfaced on Hoshiumi’s face as his emotions started to flit around. “I mean, I like it… I’m just a little ticklish right now and in disbelief this is even happening,” Hoshiumi muttered, unable to meet Hirugami’s gaze. “Let’s save kisses like that until we get home at least. I want to focus on the view.”

 _You are so bad for my heart,_ Hoshiumi thought as he scowled at Hirugami. He directed his gaze back to the mountains, realizing they had spent so much time out here that it was already close to sunrise. Hoshiumi leaned closer into Hirugami, who instinctively took him into his arms.

“So,” Hirugami said, as they faced each other before the sunrise. He took Hoshiumi’s hand in his and laced their fingers, staring at the still of their hands together. “What now? What do we even call this?”

“Are you serious? After everything we’ve been through together, you still don’t know what to call this” Hoshiumi barked, his hair brushing Sachirou’s chin as he whipped his head around indignantly. “I love you and you love me. I’m yours, and you’re mine. That’s it.”

“Wait,” Hirugami said, reality crashing down on him. “It can’t be that easy with everything else going on. I love you too, but we can’t be irrational about this. What are we going to tell everyone else… Isn’t the world watching you? I can’t take all of those things from you or let you-”

“Let me what?” Hoshiumi said, shaking his head as he cut Hirugami off. “I would be proud to call you mine in front of the world, Sachirou. If you’re worried about it leading to my ruin, it’s something I’ve thought about a lot.”

Hoshiumi paused, thinking about how he constantly saw his place in volleyball as something that could stop existing at any time if he slipped up. Because he thought about it so often, he had an answer for Hirugami.

“The world’s already watching me and they’re always trying to find reasons to tear me down, like my height. Whatever’s out there, I’ve heard it. So what if I’m in love with you? Says more about them if they care so much. It’s not like we have to tell everyone. Just our loved ones,” Hoshiumi said. “It’s none of their business anyways. It’s between you and me.”

“But what if it puts everything you’ve worked for at stake? If I got in the way of your dream, I don’t think I could forgive myself,” Hirugami said, his own fears resurfacing. “Besides, aren’t you still angry at me for lying to you?”

“Sachirou,” Hoshiumi said firmly, “I’m going to stop you from punishing yourself anymore. Besides, I’m the Little Giant. I’ve gotten really good. There’s no way that I’d ever _not_ be able to play volleyball. So don’t worry about my dream.”

“What about everything else I’ve done?”

“I read all of that letter you wrote me. I understand why you did those things now, and why everything had to happen this way. If it didn’t, I don’t even think I would have known how to love another person properly. I get it now,” Hoshiumi said earnestly, reassuring Hirugami. “We have all the time in the world to talk through this together. You’re not alone any more.”

Hirugami’s eyes watered up again, wondering how it was possible for Hoshiumi to be so empathetic as he always was. “I thought I’d have to conceal these feelings for the rest of my life,” he said distantly, remembering the shame he felt that came with his initial feelings. “I’m sorry we had to come to this realization through such an unpleasant situation. If it means anything, I did want to do those things with you in the first place.”

“Well, what are we if not a series of unpleasant situations,” Hoshiumi said, stretching his arms as he stifled a yawn. He wanted to continue this situation with Sachirou, but fatigue was finally catching up to him. “Anyways, you look like you’re going to pass out on me. Want to head back to your place?”

“Yeah,” Hirugami said, unable to suppress his own yawn. He slouched as he stared off at the sky. “I’m so tired, Kourai-kun…”

“Me too,” Hoshiumi said, slumping alongside him. “I want to fall asleep right here, but we should go home. Get some sleep and privacy. I want to do more than just kiss you, you know?”

“What?” Hirugami said, feeling his face flush. “Kourai-kun, you can’t just say things like that.”

“What are you going to do? Take away a point from me?” Hoshiumi teased, poking the side of Hirugami’s face. “It’s boring playing a game of formalities. I never want to do that again. It’s just easier if I tell you what I want from you from now on. Let’s sleep together.”

“Do you even know what that means?” Hirugami said, already exhausted from bantering with Hoshiumi.

“I’m talking about the normal kind of sleeping this time! Your eyebags look like they’re weighing down your entire face. You could look so much better right now,” Hoshiumi said, already reverting back to his comfortable self. “I’m sure I could too.”

“You always look good, Kourai-kun. Not just to me,” Hirugami said, relieved he could finally compliment Hoshiumi freely without fear of consequences. He grimaced as he remembered Hoshiumi’s mother’s words. _You really could get anyone that you wanted. I’m glad that it’s me._

“Well, it’s your input that matters the most to me,” Hoshiumi said with a smile, wrapping his arm around Hirugami. “I want everyone else to notice me for my skills though.”

Hirugami gazed at Hoshiumi in awe, thinking of everything that brought them together. Running on four hours of sleep and being subjected to a lifetime of emotions in one evening, his heart felt softer than it usually was. 

“Kourai-kun, I love you,” Hirugami exclaimed emotionally, his own outburst surprising him. The overwhelming urge to cry again came back. _You’re so good to me._

Before Hirugami’s tears started again, Hoshiumi stuck out his hand, nudging him in the process. 

“That’s enough, Sachirou. Give me your keys, you big baby,” Hoshiumi said with a smirk, but the tone of his voice was one of care. He ran a hand through Hirugami’s soft brown hair, ruffling it affectionately. “It’s your turn to sleep in the car. You better have some good music to listen to for the drive back.”

Without a second thought, Hirugami surrendered his keys and let Hoshiumi grab his sleeve while dragging him back to the car. Looking over his shoulder at the mountains behind them, the sky lightening to give way to the sunrise, Hirugami realized this perfect ending had a beginning. The stars were still shining, even with the light coming in. Hirugami always believed that the stars at night and the light of the day were two entities that could not coexist together, much like him and Hoshiumi, but the view before him said otherwise. 

_I guess you can see stars during the day._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here... thank you for waiting for it and being so patient. Life has been so hectic and I wanted to give this love story a satisfying conclusion, and though this isn't the end/end yet (thinking of a chapter or two after, including an epilogue!) into Kourai/Sachirou's time as a couple I'm sure this is the scene everyone has been waiting for. Thank you so much to my friends @ko_ho, @championstunic, @listenlaughgod, Jun, Lexa, Nix, and Rin for being such a big part of helping me get this chapter out, and thank you so much for reading Guiding Stars. From now on, HiruHoshi will be an established pair in this work- yay! I have to say it was a really hard chapter to write, but I hope that you all love it. Please feel free to come yell with me about Hoshiumi Kourai or HiruHoshi or Hirugami (I have now adopted him as well) on Twitter at @KurapikasDad! Thank you for all of the comments, I read and print some of them out to motivate me to keep going. Also HiruHoshi translates to "day/noon stars." So I thought it'd be a nice touch to have them get together at the daybreak. The start of their new relationship and a goodbye to what they used to be.
> 
> I'll be taking a while to update for some health/work reasons but as of 9/26, I've been working on the draft. Need to re-read my own work for loose ends aaa


	18. Always With You

“Hirugami. That’s a funny last name. I never noticed it before.”

Standing among their new teammates at Kamomedai, fourteen year old Hoshiumi Kourai was eyeing the lettering on his companion’s t-shirt with a curious expression. They arrived early enough to warm up and do stretches before orientation started, waiting for the famous Coach Murphy to show up.

The taller boy ran a hand through his short brown hair, almost nervous under Hoshiumi’s intense gaze. His eyes flickered to Hoshiumi’s name tag, musing to himself about how unique, but strange that combination of characters spelling his name looked. _“_ You have a pretty strange last name too, Kourai-kun. I don’t think I’ve ever met another Hoshiumi in my life.”

“It’s pretty great isn’t it! An ocean of stars, and then you have me, Kourai. Incoming light!” Hoshiumi said loudly, striking a dramatic pose that made Hirugami giggle. “But I was just thinking of yours. Day god. Or is it afternoon? Who knows, but it made me think of something…”

“Oh?”

Hirugami mirrored Hoshiumi’s curious expression, unsure of what was running through Hoshiumi’s mind. Meanwhile, Hoshiumi’s mind was churning as he was coming to terms with what their names meant. _Stars at night. God of the day._ Two different realms that never intersected, but cohabited the same world. He looked up at Hirugami incredulously with a solemn gaze. “Sachirou, it just hit me. We’re like…” Hoshiumi’s voice trailed off, before he regained control of his thoughts, pointing up a finger suddenly. _“Tanabata_!”

Trying to stifle the impulse to laugh at Hoshiumi’s nonsensical answer, Hirugami scratched his head. “I have no idea what you’re talking about Kourai-kun, but if you’re trying to come up with a name for us as a duo I’ll have to pass on that.” 

Annoyed that Hirugami didn’t seem to understand his genius, Hoshiumi pouted, his hands on his waist. “Let me explain it to you okay? Just because you don’t get it doesn’t mean it’s nonsense. You and me—”

Hoshiumi never got to communicate his thoughts back then, as the moment the words left his mouth, Coach Murphy made his grand appearance. Caught up by the excitement of their first practice and the start of a new era of volleyball for him, Hoshiumi forgot what he wanted to say to Hirugami that day.

Yet, during the time they spent apart, it was all Hoshiumi could think of. As a child, myths and legends always fascinated him. Stories of inhuman feats performed by mortals, destined partnerships, and larger-than-life concepts captivated a young Hoshiumi, who always imagined himself as the hero of these stories. He wanted to be the one who would take on life’s challenges and prevail, seizing treasures from the universe whether they belonged to him or not. 

Hoshiumi remembered when he was ten years old running down the crowded Unnomachi shopping streets, hands full of tickets and colorful paper slips documenting his family members’ wishes. His family always took him and his younger cousins to the Shinshu-Ueda Tanabata festival, held in the busy city of Ueda. He had lost sight of his grandmother who was supposed to supervise him, but was overtaken by festivities-induced giddiness. Gathering the wind with every stride, he was flying to the top of the world. It was the Star Festival, and he was a _Hoshiumi_. It was his time of the year.

“Kou-chan!”

Emerging from the sea of lights, he recognized the scent of his grandmother’s pungent perfume. He knew he was in trouble for over-extending his boundaries. His ears flushed with red as he felt her wrinkled hand clasp around his small wrist. “Kou-chan!” his grandmother scolded, pulling him close. “You should know better than to stray on Tanabata.”

“But it’s the star festival! And we’re Hoshiumi,” Hoshiumi protested, pouting. “This is my world to explore.”

A sad look crossed his grandmother’s eyes as she knelt in front of him. “Kou-chan, be careful of that confidence of yours. Have your parents ever told you the story of Tanabata?”

“Isn’t it just a celebration of the stars? Of the hero Hikoboshi?” Hoshiumi asked brashly, pointing at the star clip his mother tucked into his hair. “I’m Hikoboshi! The chosen star boy.”

His grandmother let out a sigh of disbelief at his naivete, muttering something under her breath about how his family babied him too much at times. Puzzled, Hoshiumi stared at her as she calmly explained, “The story of Tanabata isn’t like the stories you’ve heard before, Kourai. This festival exists because our hero Hikoboshi lost something precious to him.”

And so, his grandmother found a quiet place and calmly explained to a wide-eyed Hoshiumi what the tale of Tanabata really was. It was the story of the sky king’s daughter— a princess who wove beautiful cloth at her loom, day in and day out. Hoshiumi thought to himself that she sounded like a prisoner of fate. 

“Why couldn’t she just quit?” Hoshiumi piped up.

“You see, it’s not that easy Kou-chan,” his grandmother said. “When it’s all you know, it becomes a habit you don’t think twice about. Even if you don’t love what you’re doing, you become trapped in that cycle, but that’s where we get to the next part of the story. Orihime meets someone who shows her a whole world outside of just weaving. That’s you. Hikoboshi. You see… Orihime dreamed of finding true love.”

Like some cataclysmic event, the star boy Hikoboshi met the weaving princess and they fell in love. They were two people who should never have met, since they lived on opposite ends of the galaxy, but a chance meeting changed their fates forever. Freed from the obligation of weaving, Orihime and Hikoboshi lived a blissful married life in heaven. Hoshiumi hoped the tale would end there. His mind was racing with the thought of finding his own _Orihime_ when his grandmother spoke up again.

“It was a love that made them defiant. Hikoboshi became careless and proud, letting his herd travel uncontrolled about the heavens, wreaking havoc. Orihime never wove again, and the Sky King’s fury was incited. He separated the two lovers across the sea of stars, swearing to never let the two lovers see each other again.”

“What!?” Hoshiumi said much too loudly, startling a group of children beside him. He was angered by this turn of events, trying to rewind his grandmother’s words in his head to find a way to resolve this problem. “It can’t end like that… does it?”

His grandmother gave a sad smile. She explained that, to that day, Orihime and Hikoboshi still remained separated on opposite ends of the river of stars. However, on the seventh day of the seventh month, a bridge of magpies would come together to form a bridge of wings so that Orihime could cross to reunite with her love— as long as they weren’t stopped by rain. If it rained on Tanabata, Orihime and Hikoboshi could not meet that year. Hoshiumi’s eyes welled up with tears when he thought to himself about the unfairness of the situation. “It’s like night and day Kou-chan,” she said gently, caressing his hair. “One cannot exist without the other, but they can never exist together.”

Hoshiumi sniffed as he gazed up at the stars in the sky. “If I were Hikoboshi,” Hoshiumi said under his breath. “I would grow a pair of wings myself.”

“Well Kou-chan, not all love is favored by destiny. But you know what? You’re not Hikoboshi,” his grandmother took one of his hands in hers and fished the star clip out of his hair with another. Her hand lingered comfortingly on the side of his face. “You’re Kourai. You don’t have to follow old stories.”

A love unfavored by destiny. If there was a way that Hoshiumi and Hirugami could define their love, those words fit perfectly. Despite attending the same middle school, they had barely crossed paths. Hirugami had been his prefecture’s star athlete while Hoshiumi was a second stringer who longed to play on the court. They were searching, never knowing what exactly they were looking for, until the fateful day that Hirugami pressed his balled up fist to the cold stone wall. Like a trapped animal who had given up struggling against its cage, Hirugami decided the only catharsis he was capable of was inflicting pain on the person he blamed the most for his transgressions.

Himself. Those damned hands.

Hirugami never expected anyone to be there. Hoshiumi always dreamed about being the one to save someone, just like the heroes in his beloved stories, but he never expected it to happen right outside his middle school, with _this guy_ . It was an event that could have easily never happened in every permutation of fate. At the end of the wet, red streak on the wall, Hoshiumi found his _Orihime_ , staring back at him with scared, trembling brown eyes. 

_I’ll teach you the meaning of love so that you can break free, Sachirou. Even if it means you’re going to fly away from me._

Except, because it was the real world and not a legend, Hirugami was able to quit volleyball without any sign of divine punishment. It was an act of freedom he chose himself, fully aware that it would be another step in a direction away from love. And there was no one else who supported that decision more than Hoshiumi, who also knew the importance of love. 

At the same time, Hoshiumi grew tired of how every single cataclysmic event that happened between him and Hirugami was another goodbye. Another step in the opposite direction. Hirugami knew it too, but he seemed more resigned to fate than Hoshiumi had ever been. If time continued to move to infinity, so would the chasm growing between them. Because he was the first one to recognize his feelings for Hoshiumi as a curse called “love,” Hirugami was the first one to pull away, even if he was fighting against his heart. What he never expected was that Hoshiumi would realize what was happening.

 _I get it now_ . _You’re running away from me because you think you can’t change our fate._

But before Hirugami could cross the ocean of stars and disappear forever, Hoshiumi grabbed him one final time. Standing at the precipice of the world in the company of stars and heavenly bodies, Hoshiumi remembered his grandmother’s words. Sachirou wasn’t Orihime, and he wasn’t Hikoboshi. They didn’t have to be shackled down by fate. 

Smirking at the daytime stars, Hoshiumi pulled the frayed string holding him and Sachirou as tightly as he could taut, adding to the paradoxes around him. Loving Hirugami felt as if Hoshiumi was defying the gods; a rush that ignited all of his senses.

_Unlike Hikoboshi, I have wings. There’s no part of the universe that I can’t reach. Especially where Sachirou is. I won’t let things like fate separate us ever again. I’ll fight it with everything I have._

Intoxicated with the naivete that came from being young and in love, the words made Hoshiumi feel unstoppable even though he was anything but. The deeper Hoshiumi fell in love, the more he realized what Hirugami knew this whole time. At this point in their lives, they had spent more time apart than together. When they had reunited for the first time, Hoshiumi had been foolish enough to believe that their boyhood friendship was one of life’s constants, immune to change. 

Hirugami never thought of himself as a celestial object, but if he had to describe what meeting Hoshiumi was like, they were two asteroids drifting through space when their paths collided suddenly, setting off a chain reaction of shooting stars and fragments. 

But Hoshiumi would come to learn that not all of those fragments were beautiful. Some of them lay across the floor of Sachirou’s bedroom, in the form of ripped up photographs mixed in with shards of broken glass. Hoshiumi always thought of Hirugami as his calm after the storm, forgetting the turbulence that brought them together. The bliss disappeared from Hoshiumi’s eyes when he noticed the colored pieces of paper on the floor, broken scenes that spanned the decade of their friendship.

“Sachirou… did you do this?”

Standing in the doorway, Hirugami drew in a sharp breath, freezing like a child who caught doing something wrong. Knowing that it was unlike him to act out so emotionally, he felt himself shrink under the weight of his previous decisions. 

“Kourai-kun,” Hirugami answered, steadying his voice. “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have seen this. I was so carried away with the letter that I forgot to clean everything up-”

“No,” Hoshiumi cut in, putting a hand on Hirugami’s shoulder. “Let me help you clean this up.”

Hirugami shook his head, a wave of shame passing over him. “This has nothing to do with you, Kourai-kun. It wasn’t appropriate for me to release my emotions like this and destroy years of memories. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

For all matters unconcerned with Hoshiumi Kourai, Hirugami was always good at manipulating the cloud cover that obscured his emotions. He knew Hoshiumi was always destined to belong in the heavens and he feared becoming the mortal that dragged him down. Hirugami knew Hoshiumi like the back of his hand, fully aware that Hoshiumi was the type of angel to stop mid-flight and plunge back down to the ground if the earth beneath him was broken. Hirugami saw his misery manifest like living vines, snatching small birds that were unfortunate enough to fly near him. He owed Hoshiumi the opportunity to escape one final time.

_Are you sure you want this?_

“You can leave, Kourai-kun. Don’t feel like you have to stay with me, even if you don’t like to back away from a challenge.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Weren’t you the one that was supposed to teach me in the beginning?” Hoshiumi let out a harsh laugh, his voice a low rumble as he put a hand against the wall. He looked at Hirugami with a triumphant smile, a jarring expression beside the mess that surrounded him. “This is love, too. When I see a bare wall, I think to myself that we can make this a canvas for new memories. Look at me being the positive one for a change.”

Hirugami found himself at a loss for words, his stomach no longer churning as the image he once held of himself faded completely. With no time to spare, Hoshiumi dropped to his knees and started picking up pieces of the past, sweeping them into a small pile to put away for ever. Hirugami knelt down beside him, his fingers like feathers, light and free. Walls and vines gave way to the light and sky, giving him a glimpse of a new day. 

In the years he spent in his cage, Hirugami forgot that he was a bird, too. That his feathers were the same color as Hoshiumi’s, even if they carved out a different path in the sky. Brushing wingtips as they carefully grabbed for the last piece of glass, Hirugami let out a smile that reached his eyes. “So _now_ the Immovable smiles,” Hoshiumi teased lovingly, reaching out to brush a lock of Hirugami’s hair from his eyes.

“You know Kourai-kun,” Hirugami whispered. The sides of his mouth wobbled as he tried to suppress a loose smile, overwhelmed with the taste of freedom. “I don’t think I’ve ever been immovable.”

Together, they would turn their mess into a paradise.

* * *

Tangled up in each other’s arms and whispering sweet nothings to each other, Hirugami asked Hoshiumi if he wanted to fulfill his previously far-fetched dream of seeing more of the world together. An escape from the familiarity that they were so used to, walking familiar trails and sharing kisses in the same rooms. Hoshiumi had always been a creature of habit, but when he was with Sachirou, he felt safe enough to break his own rules.

The remaining days were spent exploring. Mountains, lakes, minds, and bodies. Using words to untangle the years of confusion, kisses and touch to bridge the chasm carved by decades of silence, Hoshiumi finally understood what love was supposed to feel like. 

A fluttering in his chest, as if his heart had small wings that beat gently against his rib cage every time he saw the immovable boy break into a smile or comforting laugh. A warmth that radiated through him with every “Kourai-kun,” uttered in a sweet voice that Hoshiumi had never heard before. Hirugami had said his name countless times through high school, but the melody was different now. It was playful, songlike, and echoed with desire. A siren song that pulled him back into the sea of white sheets, except Hoshiumi had no qualms about drowning.

After all, there was nothing holding them back anymore. Nothing to stop the flow of desire, nothing keeping them apart from seizing everything that the world had to offer them. Clothes and afterthoughts lay strewn around the bed. For the first time, all they had to think about was what they wanted to take from each other. What Hoshiumi normally would have thought of as acts of surrender in the game they once played became vows of devotion as he allowed himself to fall deeper into the feeling called love.

Lying in the afterglow of passion with the moonbeam across his face, Hoshiumi lifted his hand up to the ceiling as if to catch stars. When he was with Sachirou, he felt that he could do just that. He thought to himself how it reminded him of his own love for volleyball. The one place he always felt invincible was in the air, playing volleyball as Japan’s Little Giant. But with Sachirou, he stripped himself bare of clothes and titles. Here, he was just Kourai, tearing through all of the obstacles that the universe put between them and succeeding.

And just Kourai was enough to defy fate.

He wasn’t sure if Hirugami had fallen asleep or not, but this sudden thought filled him with the impetus to take in what was his. Hoshiumi wrapped his arms around Hirugami’s waist, pressing his face to his back and breathing in his scent deeply. “Sachirou, are you awake?” Hoshiumi muttered, his voice muffled as his lips were pressed against bare skin. “Sachirou, I love you.”

“I’m here, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami replied, his face still pushed against his pillow. “I love you, too.”

Using his index finger, Hoshiumi started tracing the constellation of moles on Hirugami’s back with a sort of breathless awe. Every day, he learned that there were more features he had never discovered. “I’ve known you since I was a boy,” Hoshiumi whispered, his finger stopping at the base of Sachirou’s neck. At the pink crescent moons from the night before. “But it feels like I didn’t know you until I could have all of you.”

Hirugami turned around under the covers to face Hoshiumi, his eyes shining with fondness. “It really feels like a different world, doesn’t it?” Hirugami said softly, cupping Hoshiumi’s face gently in the palm of his hand. “I can finally have all of you. And I’m not getting full any time soon.”

A burning sensation spread through Hoshiumi’s body, manifesting as a blush blooming across his face. Hirugami’s smile was as disarming as ever as he leaned in closer, his fingers curving under Hoshiumi’s chin. “You like when I say things like that, don’t you Kourai-kun? You’re so cute when you’re flustered,” Hirugami said with a teasing smile.

“You’re so…” Hoshiumi began, but was cut off with the sensation of Hirugami’s lips against his, his mind a feverish haze as he felt a hand run up his thigh. The burning intensified, licking away at his subconscious until all he could see was red, despite the fact that they had gone at this only an hour before. He grabbed the wandering hand and laced his fingers with Sachirou’s, pushing against the brown-haired boy with all the strength he could muster. Every reaction between them was equal, but opposite. They were matched in fervor and hunger. At the mercy of attraction.

For the first time, Hirugami found it hard to detach himself. He had always imagined how intimacy with Kourai would be, shoving those intrusive thoughts away into a locked box in his mind. The repression from years of baited desire and impulses made feelings burst out of him in ways he could only communicate with his hands and body. If it was up to him, he’d be tangled up in Hoshiumi’s warmth, sharing the same breath, for as long as possible. He kept kissing Hoshiumi until he felt dizzy. Until he forgot that time and space existed.

“Kourai-kun, wait.”

Feeling Hoshiumi’s teeth scrape the nape of his neck as snowy white hair brushed against his Adam’s apple, Hirugami halted the escalation of passion when something dawned on him. They had spent the past few days as a new couple holed up in his bedroom, treating each others’ bodies like new landscapes, but Hirugami craved a change in scenery. 

_All of this is nice, but I want to go further with you in the time we have left. I keep dreaming about doing these same things with you in newer places._

Hirugami sat up and put a finger on his own cheek, wearing his famous thinking face, much to Hoshiumi’s annoyance. “If we want to get the most out of our last two days together on the road, we should get at least six hours of sleep,” Hirugami said, matter-of-factly. “I like driving earlier in the day, too.”

Hoshiumi wiped at his lips. “You switch between modes too fast,” he snapped. “What if I don’t want to sleep right now because I want to spend as much time with you as I can? Sleeping is boring anyways… I can’t even see you.”

Hirugami smiled fondly, using his finger to tap Hoshiumi’s nose. A sign of affection he normally reserved for his dog. He laughed gently as Hoshiumi let out a noise of indignation. Hirugami closed his eyes to preserve that image in his mind forever. “Then see me in your dreams,” Hirugami said, alluring in the silvery light of the full moon with his face framed against the palm of his hand.

“Give me something to remember then,” Hoshiumi smirked, running a calloused hand through Hirugami’s soft hair and pulling him in for another kiss.

* * *

Hirugami Sachirou had always been considered a strange person. Though he was the youngest in his year, he always spoke with a sense of omniscient wisdom beyond his years. The years that Kamomedai went to Nationals, Hirugami was famous for going on his solitary walks in the dead of the night, insisting that it was the best time of day to “think about what’s important.” Even in college, he was a transparent character. The type of friend who knew the right things to say and the right places to go. The person who would say, “let’s do it!” when someone suggested a crazy idea, like a spontaneous beach retreat to get away from the pressures of life.

For a long time, Hoshiumi wasn’t bothered with Hirugami’s odd tendency to disappear in the middle of the night. During away games, he and Sachirou would set up their mats beside each other or share a bed without a second thought. Sometimes, he would stir in the middle of the night and feel an absence of warmth beside him, shrugging it off. _Sachirou’s doing his weird thing again. Hope he gets enough sleep for the match tomorrow._

On the final night of Nationals in their third year of high school, Hoshiumi awoke to the sight of Hirugami in the act of getting out of his makeshift bed on the floor. He checked the clock on the wall to read the time. _2 AM._

“Oi, Sachirou,” Hoshiumi murmured sleepily. “Our match is at noon tomorrow. Get some more sleep, you dummy.”

“Did I wake you up, Kourai-kun?” Hirugami replied back, sounding worried. “I’m having a hard time sleeping, so I might take a walk to clear my mind.”

Hirugami looked so innocuous in the dark, his wide brown eyes staring back at Hoshiumi apologetically. It dawned on Hoshiumi that he never knew where Sachirou went on these walks, or what kind of things Hirugami would think about. He wasn’t fond of the cold or losing sleep— growth hormones were produced during sleep after all— but he was hit with another realization. 

This could very well be the last time he’d ever have the opportunity to walk with Sachirou this late at night in Tokyo. It was their last year of high school and their paths forward were shrouded in the unknown. Hoshiumi was seized by another fear as he imagined the brown-haired boy standing before him fading into the night. For someone so steady, Hirugami paradoxically gave off an air of transience.

_How much time do I still have left with you?_

Either way, Hoshiumi didn’t waste time zipping up his thick winter coat to his neck and wrapping his scarf several times around his neck before begrudgingly following Hirugami outside into the city. He wasn’t sure how he felt about cities, never being fond of expansive urban landscapes packed to the brim with strangers that would brush against him uncomfortably. He could pick out hundreds of things he didn’t particularly like about Tokyo, but none of them came to mind while he trailed Hirugami, listening to his stream of consciousness.

With Hirugami, the city landscape seemed more welcoming. Hoshiumi was completely at ease among the haze of neon lights and thousands of flashing signs and advertisements. There were still a few people roaming the streets, of course, but with Sachirou, Hoshiumi felt as if it was just the two of them. Two country boys braving the winter as they trudged through the city, untangling their thoughts.

“Hey Sachirou,” Hoshiumi piped up for the first time, interrupting Hirugami’s animated monologue on the types of birds you could still find in the urban landscapes of Tokyo. He enjoyed listening to Hirugami’s reassuring speech on how nature always found a way to thrive, even in the busiest environments, but a thought crossed his mind that he had to say out loud. “I hate going to new places. It might bite me in the ass if I ever go pro and have to train overseas. You know that right?”

“I know,” Hirugami answered, his face softening with fondness. He knew Hoshiumi’s quirks inside and out, even if his partner still saw him as a mystery. “But you know, Kourai-kun, I wouldn’t worry about that. Remember what Coach told us? We’re seagulls.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Seagulls are some of the heartiest birds in the wild. They can brave everything. Wind, water, and if they can’t find anything to eat, they’ll adjust. True omnivores. But they’re also creatures of comfort. They always return to the same place to roost and nest,” Hirugami replied quizzically. “So I know if you have to, you’ll adapt. It’s like how you’ve overcome height, Kourai-kun.”

Hirugami had a way with words that made Hoshiumi feel as if he’d levelled up when receiving them. At the time, Hoshiumi didn’t understand what made the city so inexplicably lively that night, or why he felt his hands and cheeks burn hot even in the cold of winter. When Sachirou talked, Hoshiumi never wanted to interrupt the stream of comforting words that opened his eyes to a new world. Hirugami would have disagreed with him on this, but Hoshiumi knew in heart that Sachirou was truly special. Not in the way that others called Hoshiumi “special”, as if he was the obvious main character in some greater, omniscient story. 

Hirugami was special without even trying. An unassuming song that you’d listen to once without much thought, only for it to take root in your heart and run through your mind at the most unexpected times. “A comforting dish that you’ve had at the family table all your life. You don’t realize you miss it until you go to college,” as his mom would say. Whatever it was, Hoshiumi knew with certainty that anyone who had ever crossed paths with Hirugami never left as the same person.

 _Place to return to…_ Hoshiumi’s mind lingered on those words, chewing them over as he tried to think about what that place was. The gym back at Kamomedai, his bedroom back at home that he used to share with Akitomo. None of them were places that he could dream of missing that much when the time came. What was something he never wanted to lose?

“Sachirou, no matter how old we get,” Hoshiumi said in a determined voice. “Let’s keep returning to see the sunset.”

“Aren’t you going to get tired of doing this with plain old me?” Hirugami teased, slipping his gloved hands into the pockets of his jacket. “Saying the same old stuff, throwing in some cheap jokes, and nagging you to follow me places? Besides, I’m sure that’s not the place you want to return to. Think harder.”

Hoshiumi furrowed his brow, annoyed at the playfulness in Hirugami’s voice when discussing his own expendability. “Well, who else would it be? Where else?” Hoshiumi said, his voice trailing off.

_I get it now._

Sitting in the passenger seat of Hirugami’s car, bumping along the rough countryside roads up the mountains of Nagano, Hoshiumi recalled this question he asked himself years ago in Tokyo. 

_I was wrong back then, too._

Spacing out at the boy, no young man currently beside him, Hoshiumi wondered how he could have ever answered that question wrong. It wasn’t the sunset that he wanted to return to, even though he was sure that was the place. He imagined all those scenes he thought about when his teammates asked him what “home” was, but as pictures of those settings popped up in his head, nothing felt special about them.

Hoshiumi took in the image of Hirugami beside him, trying his hardest to suppress a budding smile. Draped in the soft, yellow colors of the afternoon and singing softly off-key to old folk-rock Japanese bands that Hoshiumi used to consider too boring for his tastes, Hirugami Sachirou was the answer he was always looking for. 

“What’re you looking at, Kourai-kun? See anything funny on my side?”

“I’m just looking at you,” Hoshiumi replied, his smile spreading across his face. He was no longer embarrassed to be caught in the act of catching glimpses at his boyfriend. “And how usually, I’d absolutely hate being stuck in a car driving up a bumpy road in the middle of nowhere…”

“I’m the one driving,” Hirugami protested, shadows of trees passing over his face. “Besides, Kourai-kun, it’s rural Nagano. These roads haven’t been serviced in years.”

They had been traveling along Nagano’s famous “Romantic Road”— a scenic drive over 350 kilometers long that ran through quaint towns, spanned the countryside, and was home to some of the most beautiful sights in the prefecture. Hirugami never dreamed of taking anyone with him on a drive like this. For starters, he found the name of this route particularly cheesy and the thought embarrassed him. At the same time, he knew the stops and streets along the way well because of the countless family road trips his mother insisted on taking.

“That’s not what this is about, Sachirou. Normally, if I had to listen to someone mess up the lyrics of _Kaze wo Atsumete_ this badly while holding back my usual car sickness, I would be in the worst mood ever.” Hoshiumi chuckled to himself, a noise that made Hirugami whip his head around to make sure he was hearing correctly. “But because it’s you… I’m so happy.”

“Thanks, I guess,” Hirugami frowned, wondering if his singing was really that bad. He paused, recalling the times he had driven past these same landmarks while being squished between Fukuro and Shouko, who were exuberant passengers. “Now that I think about it, it’s a lot nicer driving with you than with my family. ”

“I should hope so.” Hoshiumi laughed in response.

Hirugami made a sharp turn around a bend, feeling bad for his old car that he'd been meaning to get serviced. “If you’re getting bored, Kourai-kun, I can entertain you with some fun facts about the road that you’ll forget the second we reach land…”

“Nice kill.” Hoshiumi drummed his fingers on the dashboard. He leaned over towards Hirugami's side of the car, giving him a surprise kiss on the cheek. Easily flustering the immovable boy filled Hoshiumi with a sense of victory as he pressed on with his praises. “Sachirou, you’re kind of a strange guy you know? But I like it. You’re really special.”

“Kourai-kun… where did that come from?” Hirugami said, trying to focus on the road even though all he could think about was kissing Hoshiumi Kourai back.

“Oh, nothing. It’s just something I’ve been holding back for way too long.”

* * *

Spread out on the floor of their cozy accommodation, Hirugami and Hoshiumi rummaged through the plastic bag full of snacks and drinks they got from the nearest convenience store. Thanks to family travel connections, Hirugami had been able to net a reservation at one of the best hot spring resorts in the country. He could already hear his mother’s voice nagging him to use this time to try the local delicacies and not waste a moment on idle time, but it was different with Kourai.

When it came to happiness, Hirugami and Hoshiumi were simple with their needs. The moment they stepped out of the car, they looked past all of the expensive dining options that surrounded them and then at each other. “So where’s the nearest konbini?” Hirugami yawned. Hoshiumi’s eyes lit up as he realized they were on the same page.

Summer was on its way out, but even altitude couldn’t help them escape from what forecasters on the radio were calling “the hottest day of the year.” Maybe it was unfortunate timing, but the last thing that Hirugami wanted to do was submerge himself in warmer water, even if they were at a famous hot springs resort. Hoshiumi, who was the type to still wear a sweater in the summer, had no strong opinion about the heat. 

At the same time, they were both content with just lazing around on the floor with their clothes clinging to their bodies as they fished out their popsicles of choice. “Maybe I should just brave the heat,” Hirugami said to himself, flipping through a brochure on the floor. “I can’t tell how much of this is actually medically backed up, but locals seem to have a lot to say about the health benefits that come with these waters.”

Hoshiumi rolled his eyes, retrieving his chosen garigari-kun soda-flavored popsicle. “Can you take a break from studying for once? This is a day trip, not medical school,” he said easily, sticking the light-blue square in his mouth and sucking on it. “Eat yours before it melts or I will.”

Hirugami grimaced, fishing for the bright red wrapper of his own popsicle. “You don’t even like cherry flavor,” he said, pouting. “It reminds you of cough medicine. That’s why I got it.”

“Well now that I know that, I’ll definitely eat it if you don’t. Even if it gives me a stomach ache,” Hoshiumi taunted, ruffling Hirugami’s hair so roughly that he left the taller man dizzy. “ _Sachirou-kun_.”

Cringing at Hoshiumi’s sudden affectionate nickname, Hirugami wrinkled his nose. “Oh please,” he said, giving Hoshiumi an evil smile. As the insufferable baby of his own family, he wasn’t about to let Hoshiumi Kourai beat him at a game he knew better than anyone else. “Watch this.”

Hirugami deftly unwrapped his cherry ice pop and, to Hoshiumi’s horror, deposited the entire length in his mouth nonchalantly, withdrawing a clean, red-stained stick. He skillfully ignored the disparaging noises of shock Hoshiumi was making and picked up his brochure, continuing to read. “Anyways Kourai-kun, you’ll like this corny fact about our location. ‘The locals believe that the hot springs are able to cure all types of pain, except for love sickness.’”

“What the hell?” Hoshiumi exclaimed indignantly, on the verge of jumping up and down. “How do you not choke or get brain freeze? You freak me out!”

“Hm?” Hirugami shrugged. He was feeling disgustingly happy even if he was fighting to keep his face neutral. “I’ve always eaten them this way. It’s more efficient. Also, it means that I win every eating contest. Maybe you’re just slow, Kourai-kun.”

Hoshiumi let out a strangled cry, not noticing that in the midst of his yelling, his own popsicle was melting. He cried in alarm, watching the blue juice stain his shorts. “It’s melting!”

Hirugami chuckled, watching Hoshiumi frantically fan his popsicle while lapping up the artificially colored blue juice that dripped down his arm. Like the crude layers of his stark-white hair and the curses he stringed together so effortlessly, everything about Hoshiumi Kourai was rough. He might be an angel on the court with his gravity-defying stunts and fluid movements, but once he stepped out of volleyball, he was Kourai. A true diamond in the rough. Unyielding, resisting, and always ready to bite onto whatever challenge presented itself. Especially challenges he was not built for. Watching Hoshiumi struggle, Hirugami’s heart overflowed with a strange fondness and gratitude. _Is it possible to be wholly in love with every single part of a person?_ he thought to himself.

“I’m so glad I never lost you.” Hirugami hadn’t caught himself speaking until the words vibrated against his tongue, slipping out with his thoughts.

Hoshiumi looked up at his boyfriend, his face mocking him with his signature “huh?” face. He flashed a smug grin before scooting closer to Hirugami, close enough that their legs were touching. “You’re with me now,” Hoshiumi said softly, putting a hand on Sachirou’s cheek. Unlike Hirugami, Hoshiumi’s hands were far from soft, calloused by the impact of spiking thousands of balls. “You’re not going to lose anything ever again.”

“It doesn’t feel real sometimes, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said sheepishly, unable to keep his own hands off Hoshiumi. His thumb rested on Kourai’s lower lip, like the first time they kissed. He never thought that he would experience love like this, at such a high intensity, especially with the person that he had wanted to be with for so long. His eyes fixated on Hoshiumi’s parted mouth, knowing what came after this. Sachirou knew to choose his next words carefully, issuing a final challenge to Hoshiumi to rile him up. “Leave an impression on me to prove me wrong.”

They clashed like a tidal wave slamming into a cliff, falling into a kiss so passionate that it knocked them both onto the floor. Hirugami licked into Hoshiumi’s mouth, tasting the fizz of light-blue soda on his tongue, reminding him of ocean spray. His hand steadied Hoshiumi’s body, giving him no room to squirm out of this in any way.

Hoshiumi remembered what drove him crazy about how Sachirou kissed him. They were kisses so sweet that they left him disoriented, but also left him hungry for more. The kind of kisses that made his imagination run wild the moment Hirugami broke away, making him want to beg for more than just kisses. Hirugami kissed like someone who knew exactly what he was doing with every part of his mouth, and Hoshiumi knew if he wasn’t in control of his breathing or mind, he could get lost at sea.

“Damn you,” Hoshiumi pressed his nose against Hirugami’s, speaking against his lips. A bead of sweat ran down the side of his face, his heart pounding against his ribcage. It was no longer a flutter, but a desperate beating. He was in love, but it was matched equally with lust. “You know exactly what you want from me.”

 _That’s enough of taming the beast_ , Hirugami thought to himself, pulling Hoshiumi away from him gently by the scruff of his hair. “I have Japan’s Little Giant all to myself for a little bit. I want to make the most of our time,” he said, holding Hoshiumi’s face in his hands affectionately. “I’ll give you back to the world after this, I promise. But let me be selfish with you when we’re alone.”

Their tongues were now stained purple, a messy union between the separate red and blue that used to flavor the insides of their mouths. 

“I thought you’d never ask,” Hoshiumi shot back with a satisfied smile, his grip tightening on Hirugami’s arm. He didn’t say it out loud, but he thought of Hirugami in the same breath. Sachirou had always been strikingly attractive, unintentionally leaving a string of broken hearts as he stumbled through adolescence. _Everyone wanted you for themselves, but the only one you’ve ever wanted has been me. Only me. How can that not get to my head when I’m with you?_

Hoshiumi licked his lips, his heartbeat surging as he gazed back into Sachirou’s pretty brown eyes, knowing that his desire matched what Hirugami wanted. “It’s about time you learned how to be a little selfish, Sachirou. Be as selfish with me as I’m about to be with you.”

* * *

“Is this the first time you’ve ever showered with someone else?”

Hirugami’s voice echoed pleasantly in the shower, framed by the sound of running water. Hoshiumi could feel Hirugami breathing against him, Sachirou’s chest pressed against his back as warm rivulets of water coursed over them. Hirugami closed his eyes and let his imagination take over, thinking this was the closest he’d ever get to standing outside in the rain, naked, holding a loved one against his heartbeat.

“I used to run around naked in the rain during the summer with Akitomo when we were kids,” Hoshiumi said, raking his embarrassing childhood memories of being shoved in the mud by his older brother. “Does that count?”

Tinkling laughter filled the space around them, bouncing off the smooth stone tiles on the floor and wall. Hirugami planted some gratuitous kisses on Kourai’s wet hair, and he didn’t even mind that the showerhead was pointed at his face. “Ah,” Hirugami let out a happy sigh, letting go of Hoshiumi. “It feels like I’ve fallen in love for the first time. This is so nice, Kourai-kun.”

“Yeah,” Hoshiumi agreed, reaching for the soap. He sniffed the bar a few times, a puzzled look on his face. “What’s this scent supposed to be?” 

“I think it says lotus, but I wasn’t aware that lotus had a smell. It smells like,” Hirugami took a cautious whiff of the bar, “A faceful of flowers. The spring. Milk?”

Hoshiumi laughed, running a hand through Hirugami’s hair. Now that there was nothing stopping him from doing so, he used any excuse he could find to touch it. “You really are a dog person,” Hoshiumi teased, poking the side of Hirugami’s cheek. Hoshiumi never expected himself to feel so calm in the presence of someone that he liked so much, but Hirugami’s presence remained as soothing as it was when they were friends. It made love easy. 

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Hirugami said, watching Hoshiumi lather his hands with soap and spread the bubbles on his body. “Want me to get your back?”

Right outside the bath was a glorious view of the beautiful mountains and the springs that surrounded them. The hassle of driving seemed like a distant memory, as well as all the other struggles that culminated into this single moment in time. Hirugami ran his hands down Hoshiumi’s back, his touch causing goosebumps on the latter’s neck. He massaged down the knots in Hoshiumi’s back, marveling at its definition

They bathed together before at the communal baths provided by the hotel Kamomedai stayed at for Nationals, and they’d gone out to onsen with their teammates before. Hirugami had seen Hoshiumi naked plenty of times prior to their courtship, but he never stopped being in awe of Kourai’s physique. “Remember the first time we met, you were the one telling me I had a strong, muscular body? When we were in middle school,” Hirugami said gently, his hands on Hoshiumi’s shoulder. “It really caught me off guard.”

“Don’t remind me,” Hoshiumi blushed, recalling his impulsive words. “I was just trying to cheer you up in the moment.”

“Well Kourai-kun, I think out of the two of us, you’re a lot stronger than me now,” Hirugami whispered. “I’m really impressed.”

Hoshiumi’s ears burned hot, his face getting redder as he could feel Hirugami’s gaze trace the muscles on his back. “Let’s switch,” he said hastily, grabbing Hirugami’s hand and pushing him to the front. The shyness he felt in the beginning was returning in waves. “Oh, how did things end up going with your classmate? The nice one...”

“It went pretty well actually,” Hirugami said with a smile. “She was the one who helped me write that letter for you. Guess I have a new best friend at school.”

"HUH!?"

Hirugami winced at the sudden loudness from Hoshiumi’s voice, jarring in such a tranquil atmosphere. “Oh yeah,” Hirugami said, pointing a finger up as he felt Hoshiumi vigorously rub the entire bar of soap into his back. _He’s sort of bad at this._ “I guess we should fill each other in on missing days. Basically, I ran into her at the library, had a heart-to-heart, and now I have a good confidante at school. Rina-san really is a kind person. Did things go okay on your date?”

Hoshiumi gawked at Hirugami. “Obviously not if I’m here with you,” Hoshiumi muttered, stopping for a minute thoughtfully. If he had to be honest, things with Hana went much better than he expected, even if they met in less fortunate circumstances. “But actually, I’d say it went better than okay. I made a friend, too. We’re still talking. She actually texted me on the drive up to tell me tryouts went alright. I think she’s juggling some contracts right now.”

“Has Hana-chan heard back from all her offers? I can give her my sister’s number if she has any questions. Nee-chan loves an excuse to talk, especially to new recruits,” Hirugami said, wincing again as Hoshiumi scratched him on accident when lathering in the soap. “You know what Kourai-kun, I think I’m good back there.” 

Hoshiumi could talk to Hirugami for hours. Whenever he played overseas, their phone calls would last hours, both of them hesitant to hang up on the other as they discussed things like their new lives, talking through life philosophies, and small details like meals they’d eaten lately. Though they went their separate ways after school, it felt as if Hirugami never really “left” Hoshiumi’s life. 

“I think I’m done,” Hoshiumi said, rinsing the shampoo out of his hair. He was about to step out when Hirugami gently placed a hand on his shoulder, drawing him back.

“Kourai-kun, do you not use conditioner?” Hirugami asked in disbelief. He couldn’t imagine not using conditioner for his own hair, which had the tendency to get unruly and tangled if he didn’t manage it. 

“I use 2-in-1 during the season. This is the most time I’ve ever wasted in a shower by the way, because it’s the nicest one I’ve been in,” Hoshiumi said, raising his pruney fingers gingerly. “Why do you look so horrified?”

“Get back in here. You are missing out on how soft your hair _could_ be,” Hirugami said, depositing conditioner on his hands. “I can make your hair as soft as mine, since you like touching it so much…”

Smiling as his boyfriend let out an angry squawk of defiance, Hirugami worked his hands through Hoshiumi’s hair, gently running his fingers through the layered strands with tender care. He had always loved Kourai’s hair and how it reminded him of stars. Both of them had grown out their hair around the same time as boys, Hoshiumi opting to gel his up towards the sky while Hirugami’s hair fell in light-brown curls that framed his face. He loved every version of Hoshiumi, remembering how his peculiar high school haircut was easy to spot in crowds and stabbed at his chin whenever they’d lean against each other and sleep on the bus. 

Feeling Hirugami’s fingers comb through his hair, Hoshiumi let out a contented sigh. Everything about Sachirou’s presence was soothing and made Hoshiumi feel at home even at the strangest of places. Time moved so fluidly when they were together. Each scene blended into the next like a natural progression. One moment, he was rinsing his hair as Hirugami mused to him about getting back to Nagano at night to pack up the rest of his things. The next moment, Hoshiumi was sitting on a chair in the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist as Sachirou held a blow dryer up.

“I’m guessing you don’t blow dry your hair either,” Hirugami said, unwrapping the cord as he held a comb in his mouth. “I’m about to really spoil you here.”

Zoning out as Hirugami got to work on his hair, Hoshiumi wanted to forget that this was the last day he’d be able to spend with Sachirou in a while. In exactly twenty-four hours, he would be on a train back to Tokyo to meet up with the rest of his team, spending his waking moments training and playing volleyball. It was what he loved to do after all, but at the same time, he wished he could have figured out his feelings sooner. The dryer switched off, awakening him from his reverie.

Hirugami fluffed up the sides of Hoshiumi’s hair with a twinkle in his eye. “See Kourai-kun, doesn’t it feel nice?”

Hoshiumi ran his hands through his hair, his eyes widening much to Hirugami’s satisfaction. “It _is_ nice,” Hoshiumi exclaimed, ruffling his hair with excitement. “I want to do my hair like this all the time now.”

“Perks of having an older sister,” Hirugami said, drying off his own hair. “You learn a lot of these nice tips when it comes to self-maintenance.”

Hoshiumi watched Hirugami fondly in the mirror, standing up to fling his arms around the taller man as he buried his face in Sachirou’s neck. He breathed heavily, smelling traces of the soap from before along with Hirugami’s natural scent, thinking to himself that if he could choose a superpower, he’d want to stop time. “Sachirou,” Hoshiumi said, his heart heavy. “Part of me doesn’t want to go back tomorrow. I’m going to really miss you this time.”

“Don’t say that,” Hirugami said softly. He bent over to stick his face in the softness of Hoshiumi’s hair, his chin pressing against the top of Kourai’s head gently. “We’re both in Japan for now, right? If you ever need me, I’ll come running to you. Not that you won’t be able to handle things on your own. The Schweiden Adlers need their Little Giant, along with every under-six-foot tall player in volleyball. As for me, even if I’m not by your side, I’m always with you. Just like I have been this whole time.”

“Ha, you know nothing in the world would stop me from playing volleyball while I still can.” Hoshiumi took Hirugami’s hands in his. “Keep watching me. I’ve only gotten better.”

Their bodies fit together, with every missing space filled with the warmth of the other’s body. Naked in the pale sunlight of the late afternoon, they came together as a perfect match. Not two pieces of a whole, or puzzle pieces that needed each other, but two separate beings that so happened to choose one another.

* * *

Nagano Station was buzzing with people in transit, heading one way or another and disappearing into the sea of faceless bodies and unknown destinations. Carrying Hoshiumi’s duffle bag on his shoulder and peering over the heads of countless strangers, Hirugami thanked his ancestors for blessing him with height and decent vision.

“This way, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said, steering Hoshiumi and his luggage over to the nearest escalator.

Hoshiumi grumbled under his breath about knowing the way, motioning at Hirugami to give him back his duffle bag. “I can get that y’know,” Hoshiumi muttered, his eye twitching when Hirugami snatched the bag further away.

“Let me help you while I still can.” Hirugami beamed a facetious smile. “I like feeling useful.”

Hours ago, they were rushing to pack all of Hoshiumi’s belongings that were distributed evenly between the Hirugami residence and Hoshiumi’s home. They had gotten up far too late, falling into the unfortunate habit of staying up talking to one another until Hirugami could hear birds singing outside his window. Hoshiumi’s mother was gracious enough to help them pack, her face plastered with a smug smile while she watched them. With her hands on her hips, she called out her son as he sleepily stumbled over a folded-up shirt on the floor. 

“You really are in love, aren’t you, Kourai?” his mother said with a satisfied grin. “All of these years, you’ve always stuck to a strict sleep schedule. Never wanted to lose an ounce of energy for the next day or miss out on growth hormones. I’ve never seen you as tired as you’ve been the past week!”

Hoshiumi let out a strangled noise, grappling for a good comeback against his own mother when Hirugami started chuckling. “Hey, you’re not off the hook either!” Hoshiumi’s mother barked, a teasing look on her face. “Sachirou-kun, you’ve got love written all over your face. It’s a good look on you!”

It was a remark that made Hirugami want to hide in the folds of his university hoodie. The scene played over in his head as he wondered what that expression looked like. Walking along the side of the platform next to Hoshiumi, Sachirou paused for a moment to look into a small mirror that hung over the benches where people waited, searching for the “love in his eyes.” He thought to himself that whatever it was, it seemed like one of those disgusting lovey-dovey expressions that used to make him roll his eyes, remembering his sister and her boyfriend.

“Sachirou, you’re so slow,” Hoshiumi nagged, pulling on his boyfriend’s sweater before Hirugami could inspect his own face thoroughly. “I’m carrying way more than you, too.”

“Well, one of us is an Olympic athlete and the other is a tired college student,” Hirugami said dryly, giving a dismissive chuckle.

Even in his pajama pants and a beaten down jacket, Hirugami was still eye-catching in the faceless mass of people. Hoshiumi spared a glance at him, knowing he wasn’t and wouldn’t be the only one to do so, even if Hirugami wasn’t aware of it himself. Apart from being handsome at every angle, Sachirou had a soft face. The kind of face Hoshiumi always searched for everywhere he went. He would find that light brown in the most unexpected of places, from hotel furnishings to paintings, and even people. While they were apart, Hoshiumi realized he was always searching for a piece of home, despite not knowing what exactly he was looking for in the first place.

“We made it with ten minutes to spare,” Hoshiumi said, heaving a sigh. He collapsed on top of his luggage, swearing over his lack of sleep from the nights before. He didn’t want to waste a precious moment with Hirugami, savoring every word of their late night talks so that he could call upon those memories later. “Thanks for driving me to the station, by the way. Damn parking…”

“It’s no big deal, Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said, staring out at the empty platform. In ten minutes, Hoshiumi would be speeding the other direction at about 200 kilometers per hour. They’d go their separate ways in life again. It was a cycle of farewells that he knew they were never immune to; a repeat of their last sunset in high school. “I’d drive you all the way to Tokyo, if I didn’t have a shift to attend to after this.”

“With all that traffic? You must really like me,” Hoshiumi smirked, crossing his arms. “Wish you could fit in my luggage, but you’re too damn tall.”

He was making jokes to lighten the situation, but Hoshiumi couldn’t escape the feeling of heaviness in his chest every time he had to say goodbye to Hirugami in particular. With his family, he was always excited to break away from his mother’s tight embraces and exuberance, but when it came to Sachirou, it was harder. 

“When can I see you again?” Hoshiumi broke the silence as soon as it settled, shaking Hirugami out of his own train of thoughts. 

“My schedule is a bit hectic with my internship and classes,” Hirugami said honestly. “So we’ll have to play it by ear. I’m sure you’ll be plenty busy when the season starts, too.”

The train behind them (not Hoshiumi’s) zoomed past them, sending a shockwave of wind that reminded them of what was to come. “I see,” Hoshiumi said, pursing his lips. It was a practical response, but his worries were still alive. “We’re not going to ever… you know…”

Hoshiumi struggled with the right words to say, fumbling over the weight of an inevitable farewell. “Die out, right?” he blurted out, knowing already it wasn’t the best choice of words. Not that it mattered, because Hirugami always had a way of understanding him. “Being in love with you is one of the best feelings I’ve ever felt outside of volleyball. We live such different lives, and love isn’t guaranteed to last...”

While Hoshiumi was floundering for a way to convey his emotions, a light switched on in Hirugami’s mind. He, too, was unsure of the right words to say, but had one last parting gift for Hoshiumi. “Hey Kourai-kun,” Hirugami said, checking his watch. _Five minutes to spare._

Scanning the area for the most private place he could find in the crowded station, Hirugami grabbed ahold of Hoshiumi’s sleeve, pulling him along as he spotted an ideal location. “Sachirou?” Hoshiumi hissed under his breath, “What are you doing—”

Ducking behind a wall dividing the platforms, Hirugami interrupted Hoshiumi’s train of thought with a tight embrace. It was the hardest he had ever hugged another living being to date, including his dog. It had been a long time since Hoshiumi Kourai, the Little Giant, felt small with his larger-than-life presence. Under the weight of Hirugami’s love, though, he couldn’t help but enjoy the feeling a little bit.

“Sachirou, what’s gotten into you? We’re in public,” Hoshiumi said, despite wrapping his own arms tightly around Hirugami, almost competing with him in terms of intensity. “Don’t you hate this?”

“Not with you. Everything’s different with you.” Hirugami’s voice was muffled as he buried his face into Hoshiumi’s hair. Being a wall was exhausting, after all. “Kourai-kun, I’m going to miss you so much.”

He knew that he looked far from flattering with his cheek squished against the top of Hoshiumi’s head. It was completely irrational to cry in this given moment, knowing that Hoshiumi was just going to be a train ride away from him, under the guidance of his older brother, and always a text away. But love made Hirugami break his own personal rules. He held Kourai to his chest, just like the last hug he gave his dog before moving out to the dorms for his first year of university.

With everything changing in the world, clinging onto something so soft and warm gave Hirugami a moment of solace. 

“You really are full of love, you ever-moving boy,” Hoshiumi said gruffly, fighting his own urge to cry.

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine,” Hirugami said, wanting to laugh at himself for being so pathetically in love. “I was just thinking to myself that, even if we’re saying goodbye right now, I know that in ten years, maybe eighty I’ll still want the same thing. I want to see a hundred more sunsets with you. I want us to be old, grumpy _ojiisan_ staring out at our same old sunset and scaring away all those middle schoolers.”

Listening to Sachirou’s heartbeat as he uttered those sentimental words, Hoshiumi felt his skin prickle with goosebumps, as if those words reached a part of his mind that he previously kept guarded. “Sachirou, you can’t just say things like that right before I’m going to leave,” Hoshiumi’s bottom lip trembled, his eyes watering up.

Hirugami rested his index finger on Hoshiumi’s lip, holding it in place. “One more,” Hirugami whispered.

The last kiss was slow and sweet, even in the midst of the noise and chaos of a bustling train station. It was a statement that said that this goodbye was not like the others, because there was an eternal promise between them to return to each other.

Breaking off from the kiss, Hoshiumi gave Hirugami a hard look. “You’ve changed, Sachirou,” he said with a blazing look. Sachirou used to be the one who always grimaced at couples in parks who were too bold with their public displays of affection. The boy who would glance off to the side shyly during romantic scenes in movies. And yet, he just pulled him in for a kiss in broad daylight.

“You went on your tip-toes for that, didn’t you Kourai-kun?” Hirugami goaded, dodging the sentiment. “Very cute.”

He dodged a swipe from Hoshiumi’s elbow as they made their way back to the platform, reuniting with their unattended luggage and pretending nothing had happened. Within a minute, as the hand on Hirugami’s watch ticked to the start of a new hour, the train arrived at the station. 

“Well,” Hoshiumi said, slinging his duffle bag over his shoulder and looking back. “See you later, Sachirou.”

“See you later, Kourai-kun. You’re coming to my graduation right?” Hirugami called out, watching Hoshiumi board the train. 

Turning around to face Hirugami with a serious look in his eye, Hoshiumi whipped out his hand to give their signature thumbs up, a gesture that he borrowed from Karasuno’s libero many years ago. It was a strange tradition between the two that few others understood.

Beaming in response, Hirugami returned the gesture, much to Kourai’s delight. The train doors closed and sped off as quickly as it came, disappearing from Hirugami’s line of sight within seconds. Sachirou’s heart was filled with happiness, his steps feeling lighter than usual as he walked back to his car alone.

After all, he knew this goodbye was different from the others that he and Hoshiumi had shared. Humming the same song that played in the car when his boyfriend teased him about his archaic music taste, Sachirou knew that this goodbye was only the beginning to the long forever he was going to spend with Hoshiumi Kourai by his side. That when they stood next to each other at the precipice of the world with their backs facing the past, they were as eternal as the cycle of day and night. Forever beautiful in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song that got me through writing the final chapter: _[kaze wo atsumete (gather the wind)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0b6inZfiGrw)_ — happy end.
> 
> it's the same one sachirou was singing in the car. thank you for being patient with me until the end, i know it took a while to get this final chapter out and writing endings is so hard, but i hope this is what everyone has been waiting for. i hope you've fallen in love with hiruhoshi just as i have!


	19. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (i updated with two chapters so be sure to check the one before this one!)

The Schweiden Adlers had won their third match of the season. A dominating win over the Azuma Pharmacy Green Rockets that left no room for doubt. Draping a wet towel around his neck, Hoshiumi walked into the locker room with a spring in his step, his eyes lit up like the stadium lights. He absentmindedly hummed to himself, spreading his arms like a bird taking flight in a perfect blue sky, the lyrics ringing through his head. 

_That’s why I want to gather the wind under my wings, gather the wind under my wings, gather the wind under my wings and run across the blue sky._

Hoshiumi didn’t notice his teammates raising their eyebrows as they watched him go about his business. In all the years he’d known Hoshiumi, Kageyama couldn’t remember a single instance where Hoshiumi had ever been so happy. Hoshiumi opened his locker with gusto, letting out a laugh to himself that earned him a look of concern from Ushijima.

_Across the blue sky._

Heiwajima entered the room, shaking his post-match protein drink vigorously. “Heard you whistling _Kaze wo Atsumete_ outside, Kourai. Didn’t know your generation still listened to Happy End. Do you like old music or something?”

Hoshiumi’s cheeks flushed with red as he realized he wasn’t alone in the room. “Actually,” Hoshiumi said, tilting his head back to face his teammate. “I don’t. It’s just this song.”

 _Hoshiumi-san sure has been more energetic since we got off break. He runs faster than I remember, and his jumps feel a few centimeters higher. I wonder what kind of training he did during the break_ , Kageyama thought, pulling out his volleyball journal. _It’s strange to see him so cheerful._

Digging his hand under his neatly folded clothes, Hoshiumi retrieved what he was looking for. A bright red lucky charm for victory that fit in his palm like a beating heart. He dangled it in front of his face, smiling to himself as he remembered receiving it. 

_“I know someone like you doesn’t need luck to win, but I know how much little gifts like this mean to you, Kourai-kun. I promise it’s a special one. I asked my grandma to help me make it. It’s not perfect and I’m best suited for sewing when it comes to sutures, but I remembered your face when you saw Suwa-san get one from his girlfriend.”_

_“Sachirou…”_

_“Kourai-kun, you’re not crying are you? It’s just a lucky charm. Haven’t you gotten these from fans?”_

_“It’s different coming from you.”_

Hirugami had been the one to tell him that charms didn’t matter compared to hard work. He always laughed off traditions like that as if they were illogical, cheap trinkets that people used to reassure themselves that “everything will end up fine.” Hoshiumi found it comical how the Hirugami, once immovable, was acting so blushy and shy. Like a teenager giving a sentimental gift to a crush.

Hoshiumi tucked the lucky charm safely into the front pocket of his bag, smiling over such a fond reminiscence. In the process, he took his phone out and thumbed through his missed texts from his mother and other friends. He stopped at the last text, his finger lingering over Sachirou’s name.

_“For every block you miss, that’s one less kiss you get next time I see you.”_

At this point, his other teammates had gathered in the room. Hoshiumi had an unwitting audience as he leaned against the lockers, all packed up and smiling at his phone with a grin that was almost too big for his face. Ushijima was the one that broke the silence, his own curiosity too much to bear.

“Hoshiumi. What are you smiling at?”

Hoshiumi looked up, his eyes shining. “Ushiwaka, I think I’m definitely in love with someone,” he said without missing a beat. _It’s about time the world knows_ , he thought to himself.

Hoshiumi’s teammates shot glances of surprise at each other, but he couldn’t be bothered. His mind flitted back to the lucky charm, thinking about how Sachirou was right. Giving it some thought, he knew deep inside he didn’t need things like lucky charms at all when it came to volleyball. It was the gesture itself that made that piece of fabric over wood so special. At the same time, Hoshiumi knew in his heart he did have a lucky charm, in his own strange definition of one.

Flipping through the new memories on his phone that they’d made together, his eyes hovering over the countless pictures he insisted of taking of Sachirou and himself in all the places they’d gone, Hoshiumi Kourai knew that he was loved. That he was truly the star in someone’s sky, and that the boy who played such a profound role in his volleyball journey was happy with him. That knowledge alone made him feel as if he could do anything.

_“Sachirou is a lucky name, isn’t it? So if you’re mine, that means I’m lucky too.”_

_“Kourai-kun, that’s so embarrassing…”_

“Well congratulations on the new relationship, Kourai!” Heiwajima said, recoiling a bit as he remembered the drunken conversation he and Sokolov had with Hoshiumi a couple months ago. “Sorry we ever doubted you.”

“I never doubted you Kourai!” Romero called out from the other side of the room, boasting a thumbs up. “You’re a very handsome man. The Little Giant! Deserves an equally handsome partner.”

“Thanks, Nicholas,” Hoshiumi chimed enthusiastically. “Yeah, my boyfriend is really cute! You want to see?”

Sokolov and Heiwajima exchanged looks of surprise, while Ushijima and Kageyama made knowing glances at each other. Romero walked over to Hoshiumi with glee, patting him on the back as the others peered over his shoulders to see what the white-haired man was looking at on his phone.

Walking into the locker room after catching up with the coaches, Captain Hirugami Fukuro wondered if he was missing a team huddle. “You’re not starting the post-match briefing without the captain are you?” Fukuro laughed, knowing the rookies on his team were always eager to go on without him. “What are you all looking at?”

“Hoshiumi-san is showing us pictures of his boyfriend,” Kageyama responded plainly, squinting for a better view.

“Hey Kourai...” Sokolov glanced back and forth between Hoshiumi’s phone and their captain, who stood over them with his hands on his hips. “Your boyfriend… he doesn’t happen to be…”

In his hubris, Hoshiumi had completely forgotten the situation he was in. He froze like a deer in headlights, staring back at Hirugami Fukuro like he was about to be sentenced to death.

“Come to think of it, Sachirou mentioned he’s seeing someone new, too. He’s been annoying our sister about it but he won’t tell me anything, as usual,” Fukuro responded obliviously. “Why don’t you two plan a double date or something down in Tokyo next week when we’re playing in the city? Might be a good excuse for me to check on him.”

 _Ah. That is definitely Hirugami Sachirou from Kamomedai._ Kageyama and Ushijima still remembered the captain’s brother well, and his annoyingly tenacious read blocking. They made silent prayers for Hoshiumi as the captain made a beeline toward them, his own curiosity taking over. “Who’s the poor guy who’s shackled to our Kourai?” Fukuro said jovially, towering over his teammates as he craned his neck for a better look. His toothy grin was slowly replaced with an unreadable expression, the light in his eyes vanishing when he spotted a picture of his precious younger brother in the arms of the biggest troublemaker on his team.

“Surprise,” Hoshiumi said with a weak smile. He knew that Sachirou had plans for his brother to find out gradually, reassuring Hoshiumi that Fukuro was the type of laid-back guy who wouldn’t care.

_“Nii-chan is pretty open-minded. I wouldn’t worry about that. However, if you don’t have a good rapport with him, he is pretty protective over me and nee-chan, so you might want to watch out for that.”_

Bearing down on Hoshiumi with a gaze that could melt metal, Hirugami Fukuro connected the dots in his mind and realized that, yet again, Hoshiumi wiggled his way into his family business. Hoshiumi returned his captain’s intense stare with a nervous, innocent-eyed smile. _Now this is a mistake I might die over_.

“Kourai… you’ve really done it now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so so much to everyone who read this fic. i never thought i would have such a great audience and this was my return to writing, and i couldnt have had a better welcome than this i think. all of your comments gave me the confidence to keep writing and sharing my work, and im so happy when it helps people love characters like hoshiumi and hirugami more. they have such a wonderful relationship in canon with amazing life lessons; i really slowly fell in love with them myself as i was writing this. it means so much when i hear that people around the world love this fic and leave comments in different languages, i love it so much. i'm on [twitter](https://twitter.com/kurapikasdad) by the way!
> 
> thank you to my beta readers: [feints](https://archiveofourown.org/users/feints/pseuds/suganii) & [championstunic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/championstunic/pseuds/championstunic)!! you two are also my comfort fic writers with great on-going works that read like the light novels... minty i hope u write hrhs someday... fatima writes some of the most comforting hrhs fics ive ever read, i cannot wait for star struck to update!! also both of u are amazing friends, writers, people, i really love you two... and sara for the last minute sanity check... (yes im anxious...)
> 
> and also some more shoutouts:  
> @killugod on twt for shading me for making hirugami sad. so i said i will write a sachirou so happy and a hoshiumi so sexy,,, that you will,,,, and being my emotional support twt acct with the cutest headcanons  
> [nix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/noknockback/pseuds/noknockback): for being the person who got me deeper into hoshiumi stan hell, you are the blueprint. thanks for always supporting my work and being one of the main reasons i wrote this fic  
> [elo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fatal/pseuds/fatal): aka ao3 user fatal for being my friend ily so much... you wrote the hrhs breakup letter that got me, someone who was writer blocked to all hell the past 2 months and cant write fluff to save my life, to want to write fluff to cure my soul. a master at perfectly selected words to unlock a whole world of emotions and i love you for that  
> [inoko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/inoko/pseuds/inoko): one of my best friends you have the biggest heart and helped me out so much and can diagnose vibes like a champion, also an author who lays waste to my heart with words!!  
> [isa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvery_sunset/pseuds/silvery_sunset): i love your fics and your jokes never change. 
> 
> @kitakitsunes on twt for everything lmfao. i would be a mess without you  
> @ jun and maid. well jun got me into hrhs hell and inspired me to write this fic and maid really is the best rp partner i could have ever asked for. thank you for getting me deeper into kamome hell...  
> @ koho and sky. i dont know what i'd do without you two and our hrhs headcanons. thank you for talking to me every day you've made my life a lot less lonely and make me feel confident enough to send people my writing i cant thank you enough, also you two are extremely talented people... 
> 
> @kenmamacarena on twt for being one of my greatest inspirations in life god-tier writer and kind person who is probably doing exams right now but thank you for the early encouragement.
> 
> @literally everyone else here you have helped me thru some hard times this year and i hope that i can give you something happy to read. i love you. thank you for all the comments i read them a lot and they give me motivation to write. shang too for sending me all the hoshiumi stuff on lofter and weibo i love it so much... ok i am getting repetitive i just want you all to know how much you mean to me. especially people who wrote long comments... ams i hope this is a welcome thing in your inbox as you study hard too...
> 
> oh and @HIRUHOSHI NATION HOLY SHIT I AM NOTHING WITHOUT YOU, SOME OF THE MOST CREATIVE PEOPLE I'VE MET IN THE HQ FANDOM AND I CAN WRITE A PARAGRAPH ABOUT EACH ONE OF YOU. YOU ARE SO WILD. NEVER CHANGE. literally one of the nicest corners of the internet, if you want a link to the discord feel free to comment below and ill send you one, it is such a wholesome place
> 
> thank you for everything, and it has been an emotional ride for me. i never thought i'd finish a 100k fic but here we are! feel free to tag me in anything related to guiding stars i love reading reaction threads and everything else! thank you so much. im crying a little bit sorry for the long comment im literally just writing whats on my mind right now. wow i cant believe its done. stan hoshiumi kourai.


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